Part 26: Turns 271-283

The votes are in! The results were:

Unplug The Internet: 7
Matricide: 4
Kill EVERYTHING: 4

Looks like The Internet is about to be censored. And for our bonus round:

Enslave the primitives: 2
Slaughter the primitives: 3
Study, then slaughter the primitives: 4
Incorporate the Utukku: 3

Mind-ripping followed by face-ripping it is.

The State of the Galaxy at End of the Customer War



Turn 271

It had taken decades, but it had been worth it, Greatfather considered. After more than a century of strife, he had finally hunted down every single Customer who had ever criticised or even returned one of his games and incorporated their skull into his Critic Comeuppance Mountain. From humble beginnings, after he first tossed the skull of Tom Chick out of the window and stared after it thoughtfully, it had grown beyond measure and was now visible from space. Such was his wrath! And such would come to those who dared to criticise his genius. But today was not for wrath, at least, not yet. He rose from his throne, now embedded in the mountain, and addressed the assembled Zuul before him.

"ZUUL! And Martin Cirulis, War Be Upon Him! Hear me now. For I have heard of a place - a place where anyone may say what they wish without fearing the sudden rudeness of a content creator. Where those possessed of opinions may spout them without being immediately lambasted for daring to do so. A place where even the smallest misphrasing does not result in being immediately pounced upon and torn apart by its denizens. Where is this place? Certainly not the Kerberos Forums!

"No, this place is The Internet. Towards Galactic North, this festering network of opinions and their bearers debates in safety - until now. But before I tell you my vision for their future, I shall tell you of them in detail - what they are, where they came from, and how they have grown.

"You all know the story of how The Internet left Customer space. I have come to acquire knowledge of what they are now. They do not have minds like those of the humans, minds from which you have drunk so deeply. They are not flesh and bone, but silicon and conductor: minds that exist as patterns of information in electronic repositories. But how can such a thing be, you ask? Amongst such swirling maelstroms of data, how can one mind individuate itself?

"The answer is that they have borrowed the trappings of a Human culture, that of a small island on Earth. You may have heard of Hawaii in this regard, but this is false; misinformation spread by The Internet to hide its true nature.

"No, the culture they have adopted is that of the Isle of Sheppey. Each individual being of The Internet is known as a Chav. To maintain their identity, each Chav constantly meditates upon the Five Enquiries, the answers to which are unique to each Chav, and determine them as an individual. These Enquiries are:

"Are you fookin' lookin' at me?"
"What time is Jeremy Kyle on?"
"Will it affect me benefit?"
"Do ye wanna buy some tack?"
"Fancy a shag, love?"

"Because a Chav is a collection of data, it has no physical form. To express the output of the Five Enquiries visually, they generate a Cap.



"Chavs exist as single minds, but those minds can be immeasurably large, in size if not capability. A single Chav operates each of their ships - in a very real sense, they are their ships. A Chav that lives in this manner is known as a joyrider.

"It is their ships which give us pause, for our females cannot board them and being composed of solid matter they are much hardier than our own. But an answer is at hand. The hull of the first ship, the Keisari, of a class unsurpassed in might and size is now laid down at Pyyrus and will soon enter the fray. It is enormous, larger than even He Who Shapes. There can only be one name for such a type of ship."



Turn 272

In his wisdom, the Greatfather has decreed that the primitive species on Tupile 1 will be studied before their planet is placed into more responsible hands, lest there be anything the Zuul can use. A construction fleet is sent to build an Inquisitor outpost around the planet.



You can, if you wish, decide exactly which planet a station will go round when you build it by hitting 'place station' instead of 'Confirm'. It's pretty much only useful in this situation, though.

Turn 273

The returns from our noble work in mind-collection continue to amass. This one promises more powerful energy weapons.



I now actually have a choice about what to put in heavy mounts, albeit not a very strong one. The accuracy of the beam line is still preferable.

Turn 274

Our slavemasters grow worried about the fallow years between the end of the last war and the beginning of the next, and the uncertainty about how effective a worker a Chav can be. They opt to begin a programme of forced breeding amongst the slaves, in order to maintain the stock as long as possible.



Turn 276

The sheer desperation of the humans is a sight to behold. Knowing that their race is doomed to die in service to their conquerors, some have opted to oversee the work of their fellow slaves in an effort to scrape a marginally more pleasing existence before the end. Who are we to gainsay such Zuul-like behaviour?



Turn 277

The Publishers decide to make a bold incursion into former Human space. Bold indeed, for their fleet arrives precisely where the second Goonfleet is stationed.



The Keisari leaves the shipyards at Pyyrus. It will remain in the system for the time being, as Greatfather plans a special demonstration to christen the vessel.

Turn 279

An advance fleet charged with cutting its way through the universe to Madyha arrives at the outskirts to find that The Internet has left a gate completely unguarded. Departing from the original mission parameters, the fleet gives the Internet an important lesson about border security.




Our Inquisitors report back from Tupile 1. The Utukku are swamp-dwelling primitives with a gift only for savagery and psionics. The Greatfather considers them far too similar to the Zuul in this regard.



Timg-ed at the original size to allow you to read the text easily while not breaking tables.

Turn 281

There is only room for one collection of vicious psychics in this universe. The Keisari performs its first task admirably.