Part 1

And so, our story begins.


In a stunning display of technical achievement, Tecmo managed to cram this loading screen in between any and every slight change in camera angle or scene. At least half the game is just this load screen.


To top the pure efficiency of the load times, they made the game take up almost a full memory card.


Our protagonist will be named Norman. Norman is a fine, sane name for a man. I dare you to name a single person who ever killed anyone inside a giant house named Norman.


It took 2 load screens just to show this. I'm not exaggerating.


Lookit that, Norman's a prince!




Norman deftly avoids Gandalf's hug, and proceeds to the King.



I have no idea if this affects the story in any way at all, but I'm gonna say no just to be a dick.





I'm a Prince, I'm engaged, and I'm going to be King soon. The game is starting off well.


What?...!


Dammit, Gandalf



All right. Okay. Nobody freak out. He could have just had a stroke or ate some bad sushi. He'll be fine if we just take him to a doctor and



Fuck.




Oh, hey. Listen, the King kinda fell over then a giant sword dropped on him from out of nowhere. We need to investigate how that happened and who's responsible. Personally, I suspect Gandalf.


Wait, what?


But I...


Fuck!




I wouldn't mind this as much as I do if they didn't insist on filling the crowd with cardboard cutouts to make it seem bigger.



Fucking Gandalf!




Awesome! I bet I get some super powers to let me fly out of here and slay dragons and shit.


OH COME ON!




If I wasn't dead, I'd be so mad right now!



Suddenly, Norman wakes up to find a giant transparent blue woman in a forest.


Well, all right! I don't see the harm in that.








Whoops, wrong house.


Looks like I'm not alone.








... I just wanted to use the restroom.



ADD-riddled soldier dies at the hands of a guy dressed like Satan's personal bondage clown.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


Okay, so either I can follow the strange man into a secluded room where I will presumably be drugged and raped...


Or I can get carved up by the masked shirtless dude in the red and blue tux.


I'll take the rape room.


Tux guy has a name.




Scarred soldier guy does his best train impression as he leaves me alone in the dining room. Now all I need to do is somehow kill Ardebaran, gain the powers of evil, and get revenge on my former kingdom. Sounds easy enough.