Part 34: The Third Birthday

*sobbing*


New Music: Wachet auf, ruft uns der Zeitpunkt Null “Based on a cantata BWV140 by J.S. Bach”



*continuing to cry*



*many tears*



Can you hear me? Miss Crybaby.
Is this thing on? Well… I guess you were right about this being a bad idea, huh…? Should have went with around Easter…



Do you remember what our rings mean? What we wished for?
R-Rings…? N—Oh. Right I’m Ay—YES! Yes, I remember. Oh geez…

Aya Eve gets up and runs to the bullet riddled Kyle Madigan’s side…







That's right, Aya. I want you to believe in eternity. I want you to believe we're going to surpass death and even time, and we're going to meet again someday.
I mean… I’m a ghost talking to you right now. This very moment. So, you know… Afterlife confirmed!





Eve… This is weird. Stop being weird about what was supposed to have been your brother-in-law. I know he’s a ghost and that’s weird to begin with bu—



Eve’s tears fall on Kyle’s face as she lam—



…Oh. Umm… Err… Madigan isn’t actually dead. So… Disregard everything his disembodied ghost voice just said! We’re still technically in Time Zero. Everything is all timey-whimey and in flux. Don’t worry about it!





It is… umm… still Christmas Eve.
Oh? That right…? Well. Maybe the traffic won’t be that bad… I um… think I need to go to… to a doctor… *coughs up blood*





Eve starts crying again and gives a spirit hug or… Whatever. Glowing anime auras are occurring.



What led you here was… hope for tomorrow.



Aya?
Smile and walk toward the future. I'll be watching over you.
Just to be clear, I mean this in the like metaphysical from the afterlife sense. My soul didn’t shatter into future time monsters this time. Don’t worry about that part. And… it doesn’t LOOK like anyone is on fire. So good job, Eve.



…
*nods*



Well, I’ll do my best.
My area of expertise was weird science stuff. And even then, I was just kinda winging it. All this ghost stuff and the soul being an actual, tangible thing? News to me! Ergh… Anyway, I’m dead and I’m not gonna haunt you so. Later!
*frown*
…Oh and if some Japanese scientist guy named Dr. Maeda comes looking for me, KEEP THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM! There’s some papers in my closet, top right. Manila folder. It might be beneath some of my shoes. Take care of those by the way, they’re nice. But there was paperwork for a restraining order I was filing. Just take that to the court clerk after the holidays. You can thank me later.
O-Okay…
Alright. You take care, Eve. I’m going to go see if Kyle is floating around here.
Oh he’s not… umm…
Yeah, I know he’s not Catholic. I don’t think the ghost realm cares. There’s like a dragon up here and shit. Don’t worry about it. You take care, Eve.







And with that the old Aya Brea is gone for good. Oh also…



That's the world she hoped for.
…Don’t ask me where I’m getting this. It’s just a hunch. Also, some nice benefactor deposited a large lump sum of money into Ay—I mean, *my* bank account to say this. Full disclosure.





…to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse…



…for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health…



…till death do you part?
(Lord, for some reason this ceremony feels like it's lasted forever...)
…





Welp. Sure…



So this time we’ve ascended past Time Zero and reset the universe. The Twisted? They’re gone. Never existed, in fact. The High Ones? Never happened! Aya Brea’s soul and Eve’s body? Poof. Tossed in the Darkness Beyond Time with Lavos. Hyde Bohr and that SWAT Team that shot up the place? Unmade from existence. Getting killed in Time Zero apparently time frags you so hard that you never essentially existed in any timeline.

So in short, the entire events of The 3rd Birthday never happened in this final, new timeline. Well, other than the real Aya Brea, protagonist of the Parasite Eve series, getting shot dead and Eve usurping her identity. And that’s why time travel stories are always fucking STUPID! At best, the VERY BEST it’s about idiots unfucking-up things they fucked up. At the worst, it’s a few steps above “it was all a dream” in the grand scheme of things.




New Music: Superfly





Awkward.



Heh…
…?



You don't have to be anyone else.



Eve.
*gasps and stammers*
I was only mostly dead back there. I still heard everything…



Let me just slip that ring right off you… There we go.



Just… You know… NOT with me. Since… WOW. NO! Nononono. That is beyond weird and fucked if we stayed together. No…



We'll watch over you. Me and Aya.
From a distance… A very, very far distance.





Kyle—
Oh… Nonono. Not like that. I mean the actual her. Not you… wearing her skin like some puppet. Ugh… This is so weird. Just so we’re clear, all that stuff I said back in the other timeline? I didn’t know about the whole you being Eve thing. That’s new info. Do not take any of that the wrong way, Eve… We all were working with bad intel.





And a bar… And to clean out my things in the apartment. Hey, look… I’ll like… pay for the next few months’ rent until you get back on your feet. Or… I dunno. I just… I gotta go… I'll leave my keys on the counter.





Hm?





And I guess that is the titular 3rd Birthday. Eve Brea being reborn as a brain jacked adult Aya Brea. That’s a really weird thing to say! That’s a really weird thing to title the entire stupid game upon. But here we are… The 3rd Birthday.



Tabata you’re a negligent idiot that clearly didn’t care about any of this shit under your roof and were just there to assure a product shipped that fiscal quarter. I foresee you doing exactly the same with Final Fantasy XV.
Nomura, you were fine this go around but enjoy your freedom as Tabata takes your job and Square-Enix locks you in a dungeon until you finish Kingdom Hearts 3.
Kamikokuryo, your name is third in the credits with a vague title, but fuck you anyway.



Toriyama, you fucking creeper scumbag. Go fall off a cliff.
Sugimoto, nice job shipping a game with a pause screen glitch.
Shiroichi do I blame you for all the random upgrade drops, clothes ripping system, and multi-New Game Plus requiring weapon leveling? If so, fuck off.



Shibata, get the fuck out of my office until you can design something that can be described in less than a paragraph.
Yuichi, learn scale on a level not designed for 15 foot tall ape people. Or maybe the size of a city block. Or the average spacing of any building in Manhattan, you clown.



Matsuda, do I blame you or Nomura for the alternate costumes? That wasn’t his art for a lot of the illustrations I saw. Go drink paint either way.
Tsukamoto, stop jerking off to tentacle porn and don’t even try to tell me you weren’t with those monster designs.
Nishiiri, I hope you’re happy with modeling all those torn up clothes on the 12 year old in a 39 year old who looks like a 25 year old’s body.



Akiyama, were you the one with the novel of e-mails you could only read five lines at a time? Go walk in traffic.
Ikumori, do I have you to blame for directing that shower scene too? Is that on your resume? Directed softcore CGI porn? Degenerate.
Yoko Shimomura and Mitsuto Suzuki? You both did the only good jobs in this game. Nice work. Most of that soundtrack was lovely.



Hey Abe? HYAHYAHYAHYAHYAHYAHYAHYA. What is that breaking your concentration? What if I sigh like I’m taking a really involved shit? Would that help, you prick?
Nonaka you’re an idiot. Sad!
Obinata you’re in marketing, so awful by default, but also a pervert. Get bent.



Kitase you’re a fool that produced a trash heap.
Superfly you’re a generic as hell, shitty song that made me have to re-encode and re-upload a video to YouTube twice. Warner Music Japan Inc. can go eat out my asshole.

And the rest of you after this...? Get fucked!



And that’s it! That’s the ending to The 3rd Birthday. I like my final BP award for the last episode. It’s very fitting. I’m not sure how ten soldiers died. But you know what? I don’t care. 80+ soldiers died during the duration of this game except... whoops. Nope. They didn’t because everything got reset in this smouldering trainwreck excuse for a time travel plot.



As much as it pains me, there is still one more update left in the LP. A bunch of post-game logs can be unlocked giving epilogues to everyone in this new, final, The 3rd Birthday plot mostly undone timeline. And there is one final extra ending scene that unlocks by beating the game a second time. In a shocking twist, it's also really dumb.

Tune in next time when Let's Play The 3rd Birthday – The Assassination of Aya Brea By the Coward Square-Enix concludes.






Video: The 3rd Birthday Ending Part 3 (Had to fuck a lot with this in hopes Youtube bots don't take it down.)
Click Here: Skip to a real dumb thing I did to get around Youtube muting a generic ass J-Pop song.





Madigan Wedding Concept – Madigan, you at least redeemed yourself slightly by going "NOPE I'M OUT!" But you still need to shave that pube goatee. You look like a jerk.