Part 6: The Swordery Montage.

Nov 26, 2007

Well, I don't know about you, but i'm hankering for a good old fashioned fight. But I don't want to get hurt, that could be painful! Best get a little training first.




Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.




Ask me your questions, bridgekeeper!




Stand aside troll, I'm a mighty pirate.


You're no pirate! Why the town drunk could out-insult you on his back.




I can out-insult anybody, you brainless clay doppleganger!


I once owned a dog that was smarter than you.
Take THAT and stick it in your repertoire!


Alright, I fucking will!






How much is the toll?


Well, what have you got?




Some semi-rancid meat?


I want something that will attract attention, but have no real importance.




A rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle?


Don't be silly.


Attention, no importance, attention, no importance, attention, no importance, dental plan...
A red herring! I'm a genius!








Pass!













Useless knowledge: That guy was drawn to look like George Lucas.





Somebody's house, let's break in and re-arrange their furniture, and they won't know what the fuck.




I think i'll knock.

What sort of pirate are you anyway?






What a rude man, smoking shamelessly without a thought for anyone elses lungs.




Um... could you please put out that cigar.
It's not good for your health and it smells terrible.


Sure, I'd love to put it out...




Uh... Maybe i'll just leave instead.


Good idea.


I should report him to that nice officer Shinetop. But first we need his help.




Can we step inside, it's a little chilly out here.


What did you say?


I said it's a little chilly out here!


Hmmm...




God dammit.




Okay one more time.






Could you train me to be better than the Sword Master?




You? Ha ha ha! You could never be HALF the sword fighter Carla is. Even with hours of hard work and sweatin' blood.





Take a look at my graph.


You know, you really should quit smoking.


What I really should do is make you eat this stogie.


Okay fine, enjoy your CANCER and LUNG DISEASE.




I do so have what it takes!


You do not!


I do so!


You do not!


I do so!


You do not!


I do so!


Aha! The battle of wits is mine!




Of course... It'll cost you. What have you got?




All I have is this dead chicken.


That isn't one of those rubber chickens with a pulley in the middle is it?


Man there sure is a market for these rubber chickens around here.




What else have you got?


I've got 30 pieces of eight.


Say no more, say no more.
Let's see your sword.




I do have this deadly looking chiken.


Yes, swinging a rubber chicken with a big metal pulley in it can be quite dangerous...
BUT IT'S NOT A SWORD!!!


Okay, check it out.


Yes, this is a nice one. let's get to it.




Why don't you whip that sword out and let's see what you can do with it.










Boy! You fight like a dairy farmer!
I usually don't waste my time with vermin like yourself.
...But I need the money.






Yes. I can see this is going to take some special measures.
Just want you to know, I don't do this with everyone. I just feel that special...
...student/mentor/pieces of eight bonding...
That i'm going to these lengths.



*Ominous tone*




Oh holy shit, what have we let ourselves in for?




I wanna go home.




OH MY... god?




Come at me, don't be afraid, you won't hurt me.




Watch your footwork.
Advance, thrust, recovery, parry, reposte.
Distance, distance.
No, beat first, then lunge.










Now i'm gonna let you in on the true secret of swordfighting.
Any fool pirate can swing a sharp piece of metal around and hope to cut something...
But the pro's, they know just when to cut their opponent with an insult. One that catches 'em off guard. You see, kid, your wit's gotta be twice as sharp as your sword.
Let's try out a couple of insults shall we.




'You fight like a dairy farmer!'
You say?


Dairy who that lifted what?




You must be thinking of someone else, I am not a farmer.


I can see we have a lot of work to do here.
You should have responded with something like...


A legendary moment.




You see. It's razor sharp wit like that that wins fights.
Let's try another.
I say...
'Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish kabob!'
You respond with?


This can't fail!




How appropriate, you fight like a cow.


No! No! No!
That doesn't even make sense.
<sigh>
The correct response would be...
'First you better stop waving it around like a feather duster.'
See, razor sharp.




But that machine was an awesome feat of engineering brilliance...







And this concludes our orientation into the world of swordfighting management techniques. Next time, we go pick a fight with somebody weaker than ourselves!