Part 8: Hello, Rabbi Amos Zelig
Per request, let's collect all the Jewish jokes we can find in-game.1.
quote:
"Mom, I've decided to go back into the closet. I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What do you think of this news? You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard. I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mom, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what's her name?" the mother asks.
"Monica Lewinsky," replies Howard.
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
2.
3.
(Schmuck is the Yiddish word for a particularly contemptible person, originating from schmock, "penis".)
quote:
Sadie continues: "And if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be the world's second biggest schmuck!"
"Why only second place?" Maurice asks.
"Because you're a schmuck!" Sadie screams.
4.
quote:
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together.
The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism.
The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.
5.
quote:
Moshe's mother, Hette, once gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made sure he was wearing one of them.
As he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, Hette said, "What's the matter, Moshe? You didn't like the other one?"
6.
quote:
Ben Levy was in a hospital ward with two non-Jews. On his first morning, Ben puts his tefillin around his arm, but the non-Jews can't figure out what he is doing.
Finally, one says to the other, "Look how smart those Jews are! He's taking his own blood pressure."
Encyclopaedia Judaica posted:
Tefillin (Heb. "phylacteries") are two black leather boxes containing scriptural passages which are bound by black leather straps on the left hand and on the head and worn for the morning services on all days of the year except Sabbaths and scriptural holy days. In four passages of the Bible (Ex. 13:1-10 and 11-16; Deut. 6:4-9 and 11:13-21) there occurs the almost identical passage requiring the Jew to put "these words" (of the Law) for "a sign upon thy hand and a frontlet between thine eyes."
7.
quote:
Solly took his King Charles spaniel dog to the vet. "Doctor Cohen," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
Dr Cohen stepped back in shock, "Solly, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Oy vey, my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome.
8.
quote:
Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist.
"I had a weird dream recently," he said. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face."
"I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
9.
quote:
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him.
"Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with "Fellow Goyim..."
10.
quote:
Medical experts from London have published a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped liver and charoses.
Their research shows that if they do, it can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
Seder (Heb. "order, arrangement") is a Jewish ritual feast marking the beginning of the Passover. Charoses is a sweet paste of fruits and nuts served primarily during the Seder.
11.
quote:
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?"
So yeah, 11 jokes in total.
They should set up a nice contrast to what we're going to discover in Zelig's mailbox -- once we've hacked his Ravnet account, of course.
We log out first.
And have another look at the card.
"rabbiz@ravnet.com"
rabbiz is the login, then.
Even though we could easily guess the password from the info we already have, there is a clue, so let's consult it.
Whoever uses his pet's name for the password, deserves his account to be hacked.
The name of Rabbi Zelig's pet is in his bio.
Really, he couldn't even choose a less publicly available password?
Anyway, we're in.
I'll skip the Ravnet welcome mail, it's the same as in Rabbi Stone's account.
quote:
FROM jkotok@gcove.com: Wonderful!
Hello, Rabbi Zelig! So you've finally joined the 21st century, eh? IT'S ABOUT TIME! Haha. Mazel tov, etc.
Just wanted to congratulate you on another hair-raising sermon today. Everyone was glued to their seats.
See you next Friday,
- Jeff Kotok
Apparently Zelig is better at sermons than Stone.
quote:
FROM jnewman@jweekly.com: Interview
Dear Rabbi Zelig,
My name is Jared from the Jewish Weekly. I have heard of your recent philanthropic activities and was wondering if you'd consent to an interview. Feel free to contact me anytime.
- Jared
As well as more popular (and better at PR).
quote:
FROM dsmall@bcrossing.net: inspiring
Rabbi Zelig. Just got back home. Thanks for giving me a tour of your temple. It's interesting to see how things are done in the Big City.
Your sermon was, as always, awe-inspiring. You are right. Times have changed since bible times, but people sure haven't.
Thanks again, Amos. Be sure to look me up the next time you're in our neck of the woods.
- David Small
The letter from David Small is another reference to Harry Kemelman's Rabbi Small series, about a rabbi who uses Talmudic principles to solve mysteries.*
* Thanks to inkyz for the pointer
quote:
FROM tomo@undisclosedemail: special offer
For your network protection needs contact Tomo.
quote:
FROM ethang@gandw.com: Joe
Rabbi-
I'm a bit concerned about this investor you set Jack up with. Can you tell me what you know about him?
-E
The investor in question is, of course, Joe DeMarco.
quote:
FROM twalters@bluff.net: Thanks.
Yo Rabbi! Thanks for the KISS tix. Happy we could be of service.
- Tim
quote:
FROM jlauder@sharming-fashion.com: ???
Rabbi Zelig, I appreciate that you took the time to help us out. We were cash-poor and in serious need of help, but I can't help but be concerned.
Are you SURE this investor is on the up-and-up? He has money, certainly, but the man gives me the serious creeps.
We need the money, so I will accept his money for now, but I was hoping you could tell me more about him.
Thanks,
- Jack
quote:
FROM roy@undisclosedemail.com: no subject
Roy? Who's Roy?
quote:
FROM jdemarco@notmail.com: On it.
Got your message. Ethan's been giving me trouble, so that's not a problem. I'll get in touch when I "chat" with him.
- Joe
quote:
FROM jsandman@lilawyer.org: WOW
Rabbi!
I just wanted to write and tell you how EXCELLENT your service was! My friend dragged me on Friday even though I don't usually do the temple thing.
I've already signed up! You've got a new member! I'll be going to your temple from now on! I'm already looking forward to the next Friday.
See you then,
- Jennifer Sandman
quote:
FROM agoldberg@papmail.com: Thank you
Thank you, Rabbi Zelig, for the lovely service you performed for my husband Ethan. Your kind words and wonderful anecdotes put everyone at ease, especially me.
As you know, Ethan worked very hard for the jewish community, and to a lesser extent Beth Tikvah, and I'm sure he is very happy to know his work was appreciated.
Thank you again, Rabbi Zelig. I will see you bright and early Friday night.
- Allison Goldberg
A letter from a Roy. A message to Joe DeMarco. And then a funeral service. Hmm.
quote:
FROM jlauder@sharming-fashion.com: Ethan
Rabbi, the police are asking me about Ethan. I told them who he was meeting, but they say it's not important.
Not important?? How can this not be important? Rabbi, why aren't you doing something? I'm sure he has something to do with this.
What have you gotten us mixed up in?
- Jack
The police being corrupt or incompetent? That cannot be.
quote:
FROM rblackwell@village-eye.com: appreciate it.
Rabbi Zelig. Thank you for answering my questions. The article will appear next week.
- Rosangela
Another reference to the Blackwell series, where Rosangela Blackwell is the protagonist.
quote:
FROM jlauder@sharming-fashion.com: re: Ethan
Calm down? Ethan is DEAD. I fear for my LIFE. Your so-called "investor" is demanding more interest and is threatening me and my wife! You tell me to calm down?
How could you do this? How could you get us involved with a creep like that? Don't tell me you're not involved.
When I think of you looking all holy and pious during Ethan's funeral service I want to throw up.
I can't even tell my wife, I am so ashamed of myself. To think I was so blinded by greed that I couldn't see beneath the surface.
quote:
Watch your back, Rabbi. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Don't think this is over.
You call yourself a Jew?
- Jack
Another message from Joe DeMarco comes next.
quote:
FROM jdemarco@notmail.com: got it.
You're certainly keeping me busy. I got your message. I'll let you know when it's done.
- Joe
And then another letter concerning a funeral service.
quote:
FROM rlauder@sharming-fashion.com: thanks
Rabbi Zelig:
I am not Jewish myself, but Jack was very devout and I felt I owed it to him to give a proper Jewish funeral.
Thank you so much for your help and for answering all my questions. I'm sure Jack would have appreciated the effort and care you put into the service.
I am going to try to prepare a proper shivah. You are welcome to come by to pay your respects.
Thanks again,
- Rajshree Lauder
No letter from Roy this time, but the pattern is clear.
Rabbi Zelig's synagogue is already closed, but we can visit the scene of the crime again.