Part 16: (bonus): Jewspeak Part 2
The second part covers Jewish identity, "the weird Jewish racial purity", Judaism's cultural aspect, and circumcision -- but also latkes, Hanukkah, and hey, even more Jewish (and Gentile) jokes!
The Saurus posted:
The weird Jewish racial purity is the most offputting thing about the entire faith.
FZH995 posted:
"Racial" purity is a little bit off-base. You can convert-- I did, because my mother's not Jewish-- and there are no religious or social distinctions between converts and Jews-by-birth in any sect that I'm aware of.
On that front, we don't evangelize, and converting requires a formal ceremony. Rabbis will generally want to make sure you're VERY serious about the faith before they allow you to convert. This is because Judaism imposes a lot of obligations on the faithful, whereas gentiles are, essentially, just expected not to be a raging dickhole.* So it's in everyone's interest that, if you DO decide to convert, you should understand the burden that you're taking on.
* More specifically: because of the Covenant, Jews are required to uphold all of the commandments God gives in the Torah. The traditional count says there are 613 commandments. If you want to follow all of them, your life will be complicated. From gentiles, on the other hand, God expects only a bare-minimum level of morally righteous behavior -- in order to be considered a "righteous gentile," you have to abide by the Noahide Laws, of which there are a whopping vast number: 7. And two of them are "don't murder" and "don't steal."
Iunnrais posted:
FZH995 posted:
In order to be considered a "righteous gentile," you have to abide by the Noahide Laws, of which there are a whopping vast number: 7. And two of them are "don't murder" and "don't steal."
Not to mention "don't cheat on your spouse" and "don't torture animals, even if you do eat them" (eat organic!). It's a pretty baseline level of decency (although rabbis disagree as to whether christians and muslims worship the same g-d we do, and whether that counts as idolatry).
Yeah. I wasn't raised observant to the mosaic laws, and started to become baal teshuvah* as an adult-- and it's not easy. Effectively, I'm a convert, although that's not how jews see it. I definitely sympathize with converts... not to mention that my wife is a convert (we actually learned together at the same time). I also have a non-jewish father, who is not actually happy that I'm observing now... "I didn't marry a jew!" he says, even though technically he did. It's... interesting.
*Baal Teshuvah: A non-observant person born to a jewish mother, who later becomes observant. Litterally "Master of Repenting".
loquacius posted:
I'm pretty sure that either the majority of people I know who self-identify as Jewish or a significant minority of them (myself included) are actually crossbreeds of some sort or another, so thinking of "racial purity" as a prominent quality of Judaism seems a bit misguided anyway.
The Saurus posted:
What else do you call it when social ostracism is applied on those who marry outside the tribe, and 'encouragement' from family and community to find a "nice jewish girl/boy". I know this isn't so bad anymore, but still common, and it was probably mostly unthinkable in historical times.
Gabriel Pope posted:
It's a semantic issue; Jews haven't really been a proper "race" for maybe a couple thousand years. It's part of this whole diaspora thing they have. It's true that if you're talking specifically about Ashkenazi Jews there's historically been a much stronger degree of racial homogeneity, but much of that was imposed on them from outside.
Viola the Mad posted:
The Saurus posted:
The weird Jewish racial purity is the most offputting thing about the entire faith.
I beg your pardon, what racial purity are you talking about? Jews are not a race. Admittedly, conversion is a difficult process, but converts and people genuinely looking to convert are usually embraced by the community. In fact, Judaism used to be a proselytizing religion during the rabbinical era, but that mostly ended with the advent of Christianity and Islam. As a tolerated minority, accepting a convert probably would have been a good way to piss off the authorities in a time when there was no separation between church and state. So conversion became a much more difficult process.
The desire to marry other Jews is NOT about maintaining the sanctity of Jewish blood. It's about wanting to maintain cultural and religious cohesion. Frankly speaking, it's much easier to raise your children Jewish if your spouse is Jewish as well. To their credit, many interfaith couples do a perfectly good job at it.
Religious Christians and Muslims also look for spouses of their faith for the same reason. Hell, members of other ethnicities will often look to marry inside their communities as well. For example, many black women want to marry black men. I see no difference between them and a Jewish woman wanting to marry a fellow Jew.
There is not social ostracism for marrying outside the tribe anymore. Did you bother reading my post to the end? The interfaith taboo was largely a product of past historical conditions in which Jews existed as a semi-autonomous tolerated minority. In more tolerant periods, there was a greater degree of intermarriage; in oppressive ones, marrying out would have been the equivalent of leaving the fold. I'm willing to bet Christians living in the Islamic world emphasized marrying into the community as well.
Today we have an unsurpassed level of toleration due to the separation between church and state, which (ideally) integrates members of all religions and ethnicities into a general secular culture. It's not a coincidence that there is such a high level of interfaith marriages today. Jews who marry out can stay a part of the community if they choose, nor will their spouses be shunned for their non-Jewishness.
Oh, and by the way? Millions of people past and present have had no problem following those 613 commandments and continue to find comfort and connection to God in them.
You've just made a number of extremely insulting, ignorant, and offensive comments. You've dismissed my religion as absurd and singled out my community as a snooty bunch of racists, drawing upon a rather nasty anti-Semitic stereotype in the process. Stop. NOW.
The Saurus posted:
Isn't it a bona fide fact/belief that jewishness is only carried through female genes? It's not edgy, or "otherizing", whatever the hell that is. I've just never met an actually-religious Jewish person.
sniper4625 posted:
I have literally never heard that in my life. Maybe it's because I'm reform, but my congregation seems to care less about your bloodline than your current identity as a Jew.
Hell, by your definition, I'm not a "real jew" - my Dad's side is the Jewish one. (Though my mom did convert before marriage)
Agent Interrobang posted:
The Saurus posted:
Isn't it a bona fide fact/belief that jewishness is only carried through female genes? It's not edgy, or "otherizing", whatever the hell that is. I've just never met an actually-religious Jewish person.
Wow. I honestly can't tell if you're a troll or just bone-ass ignorant.
In any case, no, 'Jewishness' is not genetic, because Judaism is a religion and not an ethnicity. Judaism accepts converts to the faith as of equal status to those born into it, provided they observe the tenets of the respective sect they converted to(Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, et al). There are certain ethnicities which are OVERWHELMINGLY Jewish, such as the Ashkenazi, Sephardi, and Mizrahi, but those are not individual religious sects and their religion is not carried in their heredity.
Gabriel Pope posted:
The Saurus posted:
Isn't it a bona fide fact/belief that jewishness is only carried through female genes? It's not edgy, or "otherizing", whatever the hell that is. I've just never met an actually-religious Jewish person.
Matrilineal descent is kind of a thing for who is considered to be automatically born into the faith as opposed to converting, but nobody thinks jewishness is genetic you dork. And more progressive sects are kind of moving towards recognizing patrilineal descent too anyhow.
The Saurus posted:
I was assuming that matri..linear descent thing. Interesting to see the level of difference between orthodox and reform sects. So basically if your mom is a jew, you get autoconverted, but if not, you have to convert at a later date?
loquacius posted:
Depends if you get raised Jewish. If a Jewish guy marries a non-Jewish woman, and brings his 3-year-old son to the JCC for preschool, no one is gonna block their entrance and say "Hey pal, no dice until that kid has had a full conversion overseen by at least 3 rabbis". If you're Jewish from birth, you're Jewish from birth. If you get raised as whatever the mother is, you will probably have to convert before you become Jewish on your own.
e: I guess if you're at some ultra-Orthodox synagogue in a Hasidic neighborhood or something people might give you shit, but 99.9% of Jewry will not.
Agent Interrobang posted:
Yeah, basically, a converted Jew is the same as a born-into-the-faith Jew, going by official doctrine. Whether other Jews consider you culturally authentic is a different matter, but that's also distinct from ethnicity or genetics.
BurningStone posted:
Is there ever trouble if an orthodox jew wants to marry a reform one?
Sethik posted:
Probably not, unless the reformed one is a child of an interfaith marriage where the mother was not Jewish. Orthodox and more Conservadox leaning congregations do not recognize conversion for a marriage's sake.
Viola the Mad posted:
BurningStone posted:
Is there ever trouble if an orthodox jew wants to marry a reform one?
They'll have to figure out their family's degree of religiousness, but you're not gonna see any Sharks vs. Jets going on.
Paper Lion posted:
My dad is jewish but my mom isn't and I still got a legit briss and stuff with the certificate from a Sephardi rabbi as a babby and all that other jewish stuff. The only people that really care are the super orthodox urban amish types as far as I've ever known.f
loquacius posted:
Pierzak posted:
The matrilinear descent is... quite interesting. Am I to assume that if a Jewish woman has a kid with a non-Jewish man, the child is Jewish? If so, what if the man is Catholic? The Catholic church says the child follows the father's religion of the parents are not of the same faith.
Man, the weird Catholic racial purity is the most offputting thing about the whole faith.
This really isn't that complicated -- I've known many people with Catholic blood on one side and Jewish on the other (hell, I'm dating one) (double hell, technically I guess I AM one), and what it comes down to is that the kid is raised as the religion of whichever parent cares more about it. Being raised Jewish means you necessarily get a huge taste of Jewish culture, which (more or less) makes you Jewish.
If two gay Jewish men adopt a baby, that child could be raised Jewish too, even though we have no idea what his/her birth mother thought about religious concerns and she probably isn't around to ask. (Of course, they would necessarily have to be Reform.) See what I'm getting at here?
If both parents are lapsed or agnostic or whatever, the kid can still be culturally Jewish, although this is more of a gray area and comes down mostly to a question of self-identification. You probably wouldn't have to formally convert if you didn't want to, since I'm still of the opinion that formal conversions are more for the sake of the convert than the religious organization. After all, I'm pretty sure you don't have to prove you're Jewish to join a synagogue or anything silly like that, which seems to be a tacit assumption of the thread. If you don't bring it up, nobody else will.
Again, this is mostly going by the values of Reform and (non-Conservadox) Conservative Judaism, because Orthodox and Hasidic Jews have their own crazy rules for a lot of stuff.
Wanton Spoon posted:
I also have a question about Jewish heritage. And just to preface it, I don't have much of a background in any religion outside of a handful of college courses, so I apologize if I get something wrong for any particular faith here.
The way a Conservative-turned-Reform rabbi explained it to me (or my understanding of what he said) is that Jews are similar to a race of people--not in the sense that there's any genetic component to being Jewish, but rather in the sense that once you've become Jewish, whether through conversion or birth, there's no possible way to become non-Jewish. You are Jewish for life, personal beliefs and actions aside. My understanding is that this is also one of the major reasons why converting to Judaism is so difficult--it's a decision that will have an unalterable impact on the rest of your life, as well as the lives of your children, so any rabbi who would convert you will want to make certain that you're completely 100% serious about doing it.
I don't know whether that would set Judaism apart from most other religions, but the rabbi said that it does set it apart from Christianity, at least, because you can always leave the Christian faith if you want to. The only thing tying you to the Christian faith is... well, your actual faith. If you stop accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you no longer qualify as Christian. A Christian that converts to Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, atheism, or anything else is no longer considered a Christian. By contrast, a Jew that converts to Christianity or any other religion would still technically be considered a Jew, just not one who was particularly observant of their Jewish faith.
The rabbi also said that there are certain perks that come with this system, namely, never having to question your personal identity. If someone who follows Christianity ever has a crisis of faith, or does something immoral, then they have the fear that they may not be a real Christian, and may no longer truly belong with their community. However, a Jew who experiences a crisis of faith never has to question whether they are truly a Jew or not; they're Jewish, period, and will always belong to the Jewish community, no matter what happens.
Now, I know that whether or not someone qualifies as being a member of a certain religion is ultimately going to come down to the individual's personal interpretation of that religion. And I'm sure ostracization from the Jewish community isn't impossible, given how many times I've seen the sentence "You call yourself a Jew?" in this game alone. But now that I have the opportunity to get several different Jewish perspectives in a single thread, I thought I'd ask: Is there at least an element of truth to what I've put forth above, or is it off-base? Would you say it's possible to "leave" Judaism, and if so, is it a more difficult or complicated issue than leaving other religions, or not?
Patter Song posted:
Wanton Spoon, from the Jewish perspective, this is absolutely true (and very frustrating for people like me who have left the faith...where do those Chabad people get my email?). You can, for example, move to the State of Israel as a flat-out atheist who happened to be born Jewish (and, in fact, a lot of the ex-Soviet Jewry that emigrated to Israel over the last 25 years are exactly that).
Lufia posted:
loquacius posted:
This really isn't that complicated -- I've known many people with Catholic blood on one side and Jewish on the other (hell, I'm dating one) (double hell, technically I guess I AM one), and what it comes down to is that the kid is raised as the religion of whichever parent cares more about it. Being raised Jewish means you necessarily get a huge taste of Jewish culture, which (more or less) makes you Jewish.
Speaking strictly about religion, a kid isn't even Catholic unless he's baptised, no matter the religion of his parents, and that takes some caring to organise. As far as I know, a priest will ask that at least one of the parents is Catholic before agreeing to baptise a kid -- doesn't matter which parent, actually.
Of course, there are different levels of caring about stuff in the Catholic clergy, but religious fundies are crazy no matter which religion we're talking about.
Is there a sacrament equivalent to baptism in the Jewish religion? I know about bar mitzvahs, but's that more like confirmation.
loquacius posted:
Well yeah, I was thinking of baptism as part of being "raised Catholic." Same with first Communion, attending Sunday school / services, confirmation, etc.
The closest Jewish equivalent to baptism is probably a bris -- I don't think there's a counterpart to that for girls. Generally speaking, if you're a guy and you've had one of those, you're Jewish. I'm sure you can find a mohel to perform the ceremony for you even if one of the partners in your marriage is not Jewish.
If you are a man and you wish to convert later in life, you'll need to have a bris. This is somewhat more unpleasant if you're old enough to remember it, of course. Even if you're already circumcised, by a doctor or whatever, it doesn't count unless it's done ritually and you'll need to get a ceremonial drop of blood taken. This is to symbolize the covenant with God you are entering into, as well as to prove that you're HARDCORE.
The equivalent conversion ceremony for women involves being submerged in a ritual bath called a mikveh. It's oddly similar to baptism, if more private and intimate.
Sutureself posted:
loquacius posted:
Even if you're already circumcised, by a doctor or whatever, it doesn't count unless it's done ritually and you'll need to get a ceremonial drop of blood taken.
My rabbi like 15 years ago told my family a story about a guy who did this, and later on some people in his Jewish group asked the guy what it was like. "It wasn't bad, it's just a little prick."
Iunnrais posted:
My mother is jewish by birth. My mother had me circumcised as a baby, for the purposes of being a jew. No rabbi was present at that circumcision. Thus, when I decided I wanted to start being observant* I had to do the ceremonial drop of blood thing. I was given a pin, and in front of multiple witnesses, had to produce the blood.
There are two things you should know about this. The first is: it doesn't hurt one bit. Not even a little. I know that sounds weird, since you're sticking a needle in your junk, but it it's pretty much no different than doing that thing where you stick a needle under the uppermost skin layer in your hand-- kids do it all the time, and again, it doesn't hurt. There's no nerves in the part you're sticking.
The second thing you should know is that it's, pardon me for the partial pun, BLOODY DIFFICULT TO GET BLOOD OUT OF THERE. You'd THINK your dick would be absolutely pumping full of blood, but it turns out that there's just a couple little veins, and even once you've got a needle under the skin (which again I emphasize DOES NOT HURT) actually piercing one of those veins is incredibly tricky. You poke the needle at it, and the point of the needle will slide off! There were about 5 guys in my class under going the process on the same day, each in turn, and it took each of us half an hour to an hour EACH to get a single drop.
I've heard other synagogues will have a professional grab your junk and get the drop of blood, and quite frankly, I think I would have preferred it if the professionals can do it faster.
*By the way, conservadox is a neat term I haven't heard before, and I'm fairly certain I am one. My rabbi always used "Ultra-Conservative" though, as a take on "Ultra-Orthadox". He explained it as "If it goes Reform < Conservative < Orthodox < Ultra-Orthodox when it comes to observance of mitzvot, why not add in Reform < Conservative < Ultra-Conservative < Orthodox < Ultra-Orthodox.
loquacius posted:
The Saurus posted:
I guess it's a natural result of a religion and culture, and several ethnicities being all mixed up and everyone having different opinions on what constitutes a jew or not. I certainly know a lot of self-called jews who aren't religious in the slightest.
I actually kind of agree with you guys on this. There's a cultural aspect to Judaism which when I think about it probably has more to do with being ethnically Ashkenazi but gets conflated with everything else about it depending on who you're asking. I'm guilty of using the terms interchangeably, but this is probably due to my American-ness (and WHITE PRIVILEGE). I'd be fairly interested to see what kind of cultural differences there are between Ashkenazim and, say, Mizrahim, and if any of them go beyond the superficial level (i.e. latkes vs those donut things they eat in the mediterranean instead of latkes).
Paper Lion posted:
There's enough of a difference that as a middle class half Sephardi, in school I got treated pretty bad by the filthy rich Ashkenazi and mostly it had nothing to do with the social strata involved
loquacius posted:
Could you elaborate on this? We've had so many firsthand accounts of things in this thread, it seems about time to have someone talk about the differences between Jewish ethnic groups!
Paper Lion posted:
Well, keep in mind I was involved, but also in a lot of ways an outsider looking in. I'm half Sephardi on my dads side and not at all religious in any way, though I would do some of the big holidays to get money from my more wealthy relations and eat some badass spicy fish.
Really though, I think it mostly boiled down to othering. I didn't live in the jewish neighbourhood with them, I lived 30 mins away in Jamaicatown because middle class blah blah. Despite having gone to school with some of them since we were 6, it was always just sort of "well he doesn't live HERE, lives in a single parent household and we never see him at shul so kids don't hang around with that laddie too much" and from there it sort of got worse?
It's weird to explain really. What I did get to see of how they lived at home and stuff though, it seemed a bit different than my relatives that were more on the devout side. I guess they were all super reform or something because I think I remember them using lights and cooking on shabbat and stuff on one of the few times I went to their house, and as a total non jew even I was like "woah I thought you aren't supposed to do that?"
By high school it was basically the usual social shit you get with like the weird kid or the kid that smells bad, except none of that really applied to me and it was just "the guy that doesn't live around here and always has Stoli in his backpack"
Venomous posted:
...this thread really helped me learn a lot more about Judaism, especially in terms of the traditions and suchlike. Already knew of the circumcision, but the 'ceremonial drop of blood' ceremony...does not sound pretty at all, especially when you're performing it yourself. There isn't really a huge Jewish community where I live, so I've enjoyed seeing the input of other Jewish goons.
As a piece of supplementary reading, I'd like to point out an excellent thread in Ask/Tell that I found the other day about a woman who grew up in a Hasidic Jewish community, a side which wasn't really touched on throughout the LP. Well worth looking at if you enjoyed this thread.
http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3391326
Potato? Who said potato?
Lufia posted:
loquacius posted:
(i.e. latkes vs those donut things they eat in the mediterranean instead of latkes).
Do you actually associate potato pancakes with Jews? Because that's the first time I've heard that in my life.
loquacius posted:
Yes, actually!
The word "latke" is Yiddish
Lufia posted:
Sure, but rösti isn't, for example. I associate potato pancakes with Swiss / German / Austrian cuisine. Tortillas with Spain. And most European countries have some variation on the "grate and deep fry potatoes" dish. What I'm saying is that if you tried to claim potato pancakes was "a Jewish dish" around here, you'd get some weird stares.
Patter Song posted:
Latkes are traditionally associated with the Jewish holiday Hannukah (and are one of the less fun Jewish foods...Hamantashen are delicious pastries and are probably my favorite). Hannukah is also one of the most blown out of proportion holidays on the calendar, and many of the more religious/observant Jews roll their eyes at its emphasis (the big Jewish holidays in a religious sense are the High Holidays and Passover).
loquacius posted:
Lufia posted:
Sure, but rösti isn't, for example. I associate potato pancakes with Swiss / German / Austrian cuisine. Tortillas with Spain. And most European countries have some variation on the "grate and deep fry potatoes" dish. What I'm saying is that if you tried to claim potato pancakes was "a Jewish dish" around here, you'd get some weird stares.
Where's "here", out of curiosity? I'm intellectually aware that plenty of other European ethnic groups make potato pancakes, but I live in the American Northeast and I've personally only ever seen them in Jewish contexts, referred to as "latkes." I guess what I was confused about is that you were able to correctly parse the Yiddish word but still didn't seem to know about the latke's place in Jewish tradition for some reason.
Patter Song posted:
Latkes are traditionally associated with the Jewish holiday Hannukah (and are one of the less fun Jewish foods...Hamantashen are delicious pastries and are probably my favorite). Hannukah is also one of the most blown out of proportion holidays on the calendar, and many of the more religious/observant Jews roll their eyes at its emphasis (the big Jewish holidays in a religious sense are the High Holidays and Passover).
Agreed -- Chanukah got turned into "the Jewish Christmas" in the eyes of the mainstream (Christian) American public due to happening to occur in December, and as far as I can tell we started giving gifts during it because Jewish kids saw all their Christian friends receiving mountainous heaps of loot fromtheir parentsSanta and developed inferiority complexes or something. But popular misconceptions and invented concepts surrounding Chanukah could take up their own damn thread.
I personally think latkes are delicious, but I love salty foods!
Lufia posted:
loquacius posted:
Where's "here", out of curiosity? I'm intellectually aware that plenty of other European ethnic groups make potato pancakes, but I live in the American Northeast and I've personally only ever seen them in Jewish contexts, referred to as "latkes."
France, and I've only ever heard them referred to as potato pancakes (galettes de pommes de terre) or röstis / tortillas if the speaker wanted to be more specific about a kind of potato pancake. I've never heard of them being referred to as a traditional Jewish dish.
Patter Song posted:
For those that don't know the Hanukah story (which has the dubious honor of being one of the most historical holidays on the Jewish calendar, and almost by definition one of the least "holy:")
In the early second century BC, the Seleucid Empire conquered Palestine away from the Ptolemaic Empire (these are both Hellenized successor states to Alexander's empire, with the Ptolemies centered in Egypt and the Seleucids controlling most of Western Asia). The Seleucid ruler, Antiochus IV Epiphanes, decided to Hellenize the Jews. Many Jews happily went along with this, getting special cosmetics to disguise their circumcision, hang out in the gymnasium, worship Antiochus as a god-king, and renouncing Jewish identity altogether. However, a priest named Matthias and his sons, the "Maccabees," led a guerilla war aimed at humiliating and killing Hellenized Jews and driving out the Seleucids. Finally, around 150 BC, the Seleucids were driven out and Simon Maccabee became King Simon I of the Hasmonean Kingdom of Judea.
The "legend" part (which is pretty clearly a much later fabrication to lend holy veneer to a secular victory) is that after the victory, the Maccabees found the Second Temple desecrated and covered in pig's blood, and the eternal light was out with only enough lamp oil for one day, but due to a miracle, the oil lasted eight days, long enough for more to be procured. A rather piddling miracle.
loquacius posted:
I had a Hebrew School teacher who told us a version of this myth's invention I quite liked. It is probably apocryphal but I enjoy it anyway.
Basically, the premise of it is that several hundred years after the Maccabee rebellion, Jewish theologians were trying to popularize the celebration of Chanukah. The problem was that they were currently living under the rule of the Byzantine Empire, and so found themselves getting asked a lot of uncomfortable questions by the curious Greeks who were suddenly in charge of them again.
: So, tell us about this new holiday you guys have. We haven't decided whether we're gonna let you celebrate it or not.
: Oh, it's great, it's about this awesome military victory we had hundreds of years ago! See, way way back in ancient times the kingdom of Judea was conquered by a bunch of Greeks trying to make us all Greek and stuff but we were all like "suck it Greeks" and totally kicked their dumb Greek asses the FUCK out of Israel and... um... I mean, that is to say...
Patter Song posted:
It probably is apocryphal, but it's fantastic nonetheless. The drier interpretation I've always heard was Rabbis trying to reconcile the holiday with how much the Hasmonean Dynasty ended up sucking (Hasmonean Judea is a very embarrassing subject, as it involves several things that Jews do not do, notably forced conversion of the neighboring Idumeans...the official explanation is something along the lines of "King John Hyrcanus was a colossal prick"), and making the holiday about something other than the Hasmoneans' rise to power seemed a natural way to do it.
Viola the Mad posted:
^^^^^^^
I heard that the rabbis didn't want to celebrate the Maccabees' victory because it was a secular achievement and of course all holidays should be about God. The miracle of the oil lasting eight days made everything kosher. Your explanation makes just as much sense, though.
The Saurus posted:
Here is my Jewish joke that the thread inspired me to come up with:
What drug do trainee Rabbis take to help them study?
Methamchetamine.
Patter Song posted:
Since Saurus is starting Jewish jokes, I might as well add my favorites.
Two Jewish men pass a Church with a sign in front of it offering $100 for anyone who converts. Curious, one of the Jewish men enters. When he comes out, his friend asks, "so did you get the money?" The other replies, "You Jews, always obsessed with money!"
loquacius posted:
To buck the trend a little bit, here's some Gentile jokes!
-A Gentile man calls his mother. He says "Listen, Mom, I'm really sorry, but I can't come to dinner this Friday night. Something really important came up and I can't make it." To which she replies: "Okay, that's fine. How about next week instead?"
-A Gentile walks into a clothing store. "Excuse me," he asks a clerk, "How much for that jacket?" "$250," the clerk replies. The gentile says, "I'll take it!"
-Two Gentiles meet in a public place. One of them says: "Oh, good to see you! I've heard you recently started up your own business; how's that going?" The other one replies: "Just fine, thank you!"
-Two Gentile mothers are talking about their families over tea. "My little Jimmy just got a job as a truck driver, and by God he really does take pride in his work and he is doing the best job with it he possibly could," one of them says with tangible pride. "That's great!" the other gushes back, "My son Christian became a pizza delivery boy, and he's just so happy with his life due to his wonderful friends and family, which is what really matters in the end!"
okay yeah these are actually jewish jokes in disguise
Gabriel Pope posted:
loquacius posted:
okay yeah these are actually jewish jokes in disguise
You son of a bitch, I spent like a minute and a half trying to figure out what the first joke was supposed to be
dregan posted:
Tangentially, Old Jews Telling Jokes was just broadcast on BBC4 recently. You should watch it, maybe?
I dont know posted:
This is always a classic.
Q. How many jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Oh, I'll just sit in the dark.
Pierzak posted:
Continuing the thread of Jewish jokes (I don't know how well this translates, so bear with me)
A devout Jew prays:
- Jahweh, my son has converted, he's a Christian now.
- Yeah, mine did too. Do what I did.
- ???
- Write a New Testament!
loquacius posted:
Jews don't ever say "Yahweh" especially while praying, voted your post 1, you horrible person
