Part 37: Fuck this game

Fuck this game

Last time on Numenera we pleased a wacky tentacle monster. This time, we're about to do a whole bunch more shit that is going to make me very uncomfortable.

Anyway, we head down this way. I am a moron and thought it was closed.



To make a long story short, the Memovira thugs are collecting taxes from the mutants. The mutants are mad and set up an ambush because the Memovira sucks.



The word "fear-piss" is used.



So this is actually an encounter with a not-awful idea behind it. No one is fighting yet, and you can either talk to the enforcers or the mutants to try to resolve it peacefully or say fuck it and attack a side.



This being Numenera, I fuck up an 85% social chance and kick myself for not using the autopass skill I picked up.



Persuading the mutants to stand down is really hard.



Every turn they start shit-talking each other and you get messages like "the thugs don't expect a fight" or "the mutants are preparing to attack" to tell you whether or not violence is going to erupt.

Now, you are probably asking "Great Evil King, do they find some way to fuck this up?" The answer is yes, yes they do. So this encounter is not foreshadowed in any way once you enter Little Nihilesh (the mutant slum zone) so you might go and break out your stock of stat healing items to try to pass some of these intelligence checks.



Because we are in a "crisis" that the game doesn't consider combat, I can't actually use this. If I start a conversation with the guards I'm arbitrarily not allowed to use it either. Literally every good or intriguing idea this game has it turns into utter garbage by inept execution. Every single one.



Thus I end up throwing money at the mutants to make this shitty encounter disappear forever.



I'm legitimately not sure if this matters or not. Time to progress some sidequests!



Meet Aon-tozon. He is...a mind pervert? I'm not sure what the fuck to categorize him as.



Oh boy. No, the developers haven't sunk that low, don't worry.

: Do you know this man, Rhin?

: "No." She sounds certain, but her expression suggests she's still mulling it over.



Dude, you're making TLC feel like she's drunk and think sexy thoughts. I would also hide, then I would call the police and get this asshole put on a registry.

: Study the man.



: Are you trying to hypnotize me?



So, he uh, misgenders the Last Castoff here.



This is really fucking stupid.



This is reminding me of that idiot scene in Rise of Skywalker where Sheev Palpatine resurrected himself because of how horny Rey and Kylo were for each other.



I take the time to unequip everything off Rhin for...reasons.



: Did you want to talk to me about something?



: You were acting strangely around Aen-tozon. Why?



We go back to Bill Cosby over here.



: I've brought an ally to feed you, as you asked. Would any of them satisfy you?

I kinda feel dirty reading this dialogue. Are we supposed to be playing a pimp?



I...what? What?

: To Callistege.

: Past Oom without a moment's hesitation.



: What about me? I have strong feelings for her.



It's like they fucking realized they wrote him as a creepy sex offender but at least he's not a pedophile. Jesus Christ.

: Callistege.



Colin, what the hell? I can't romance Callistege but I can have a weird threesome with this dude in the middle of the Zerg hive? You are a sick fuck.

: Callistege speaks, but you can't focus on her words. You feel the heat of her regard for you diminishing, but find it momentarily hard to care.

What the fuck is going on?



Goddammit McComb. Who the fuck got this past an editor? Who was the genius who said "yes, we will have the Last Castoff and a PC get their freak on with a creepy date rapist and that's how you get the little kid character home?"

It gets dumber.



So, uh, yea. That's Rhin's homeworld. We prostituted the women of our party for this.



Fuck this game. Fuck it.



So, uh, yeah, we should have worn a space condom.



I just want to point out this scene becomes infinitely creepier because Callistege did not consent and you kinda maybe are controlling her with the Tides.

How does Callistege feel about all of this?



Same way she did at the beginning of the update!


I seriously have no idea what the fuck I just read. Maybe the ghost baby knows?



This is gonna get stupid isn't it?

: We've never met before.





How much stupid shit could they put into this encounter?

: Shake his hand.





: You came out of that Maw. Are you connected to the Bloom?



Someone realized this fucking Tides metaphor was never used. I assume this guy was added in the Oom update, as he resolves Oom's quest.

By this point I was dully clicking through the dialog boxes.

: How many times have we spoken?



It's amazing how much of this manages to be ripped off from other sci-fi franchises and ideas yet thinks it is deep and mind blowing. I cannot stress this enough. The few times we get anything approaching originality it's shit like having three-way sex in the street couched in sci-fi terms to send a little girl home.

I refuse to believe there were any women on the editorial staff.

: What are those scars from?

Seriously, T.H. White did this in The Once and Future King, and while it's been a while that book had much more to say than this incoherent garbage.

: Are you a ghost?



: What does your brother look like?



: What's the helmet about, anyway?





: The Sorrow destroyed a city?





So presumably the Changing God lives into the future if he meets this asshole repeatedly, right? He called us "he" so that was referring to the Changing God, and not just bad editing, right?

: Hold on. You know about the Tides?



Sure. Why not.



: [Raises Blue Tide] No.





I don't think you actually need this to complete the game. I do know, however, that despite being "specialized" at Tides control you still can't use them as a weapon, because Fuck You.



Oh, this is the NPC needed to complete Oom's quest. Really.

: Farewell.


Let's talk to Tides Dog and finish out his quest.





Oh, yes, now that we have Scan Thoughts we can get deep insight into Oom's shitty metaphors. "Speaking its shape without words" would probably be comprehensible to someone who got hit in the head with a hammer destroying their visual cortex, but to the rest of us it's just an idiotic way of saying circles are round. This "deep" and "philosophical game" has reached the level of kindergartners.

: Can I examine you?



: Align yourself with the Tides raging within Oom.



Here, again, the screen fades to black so you can focus on the terrible writing. If anyone can explain how a mighty civilization can rise without a name for themselves I'd love to hear it. I assume this is supposed to represent Oom's ignorance and longevity, but my god.

Also "You fall. Fall. Fall into a shallow pool of memories at the root of it all" strangely sounds like a pop song. It's probably the rhyme.



Yup. Oom is a toy robot made for space alien kids from a dead planet.



A dying world would just be too interesting to try to depict artistically in this game.

: What destroyed your world, Oom?



: The moon...that's the moon I saw through the cones in the Reef of Fallen Worlds.

Wow, look, a mystery solved.



I don't suppose we are going to explain why a children's toy comes with the ability to kill using the Tides?



YUP! That's Oom's entire deal. He's a lost toy robot. It's actually kind of hilarious, you know what? I'll concede that for the setting, this is a good idea.


...let's go finish out Rhin's quest.



: You recognize Rhin, don't you?



I dislike this phrasing immensely.



: "You emerged from another world while I was feeding on the dying love between a married couple." He beams at her.

I'm beginning to think this is how Rothfuss got his creepy sex shit in while still writing a little girl character. Fuck you, Rothfuss.



Because you're a sick fuck?



I can only imagine Rhin's parents would have shot this motherfucker for going near their daughter.

:

: [Raises Gold, Blue Tides] Turn to Aen-tozon. "What do I need to do to send Rhin home?"



Yup. Someone thought that writing a character who opened a door when he was part of odd threesomes to send a little girl home was an excellent idea. Somehow this got past the editors. Then it got past QA. Presumably it was demoed to some higher ups at this point. I assume it was reviewed by the publishers as well.

You all are some sick, sick fucks.

: Do any of my current companions have the connection you're looking for?



: Farewell.

The guy we need is literally standing next to us.





Screw it! Let's go max scumbag!

: [Raises Silver Tide] (Lie) I'm glad to see you again too, but I've forgotten your name.





: How are you, Wondor?





The weird thing is Oom is one of our more morally upright party members, so maybe we should - who am I kidding?

: Who was this 'stranger' you mentioned?



: [Raises Blue Tide] What were the thoughts?



Wow. I really don't like where this is going.

: I think you can help me open Aen-tozon's maw.



We really are awful, aren't we?



: My friend Wondor here will help me feed you.

: Wondor shuffles over, flushed with delight at the prospect of being helpful to you.



I'm not sure if this is us getting sci-fi high or an orgasm. I don't care. Fuck this game.





: [Raises Gold Tide] Go, Rhin. It's your home. Your family.









He might be a weird pervert who feeds off public fucking, but he really likes kids platonically.





Oh, yea, no more Rhin. She's gone. She did seem happier to hear from us though. Let's get Matkina up in here.



Remember when I said our party was at Tier Three, and there's no XP sharing mechanism?



Fuck this game.