Part 1: What is Ultima IX: Ascension?

Ultima was a computer role playing game franchise created by a mildly anachronistic man named Richard "Lord British" Garriott. To this day it is one of the longest-running game franchises in history, spanning 17 games and 10 expansion packs. Ultima IX is the tenth game in the numbered series.

After Electronic Arts bought Origin Systems, the Ultima series slowly drifted toward becoming an action series. Ultima IX was meant to punctuate the end of an amazing trilogy of trilogies, but thanks to EA's influence it became less like an exclamation point and more like six pages of ellipses followed by a question mark.

Ultima IX is not finished. To simply finish the game you need to know dozens of cheap tricks and exploits. You need to know where to jump to avoid the polygons that cause your computer to hard lock. You need to know where to find key items, because the NPCs that tell you where they are were never added. You need to be able to navigate 3D slideshows with nothing but a compass and a stopwatch, because Ultima IX will drive even the newest computer to its knees.

It's been 8 years since Ultima IX came out and Ultima fans are still whining about it, and now I'll show you why.

Cast of Characters:

The Avatar - The Avatar is the Paragon of Virtue. He is the human embodiment of all that is good. He always exhibits the qualities of Honor, Truth, Justice, Compassion, Sacrifice, Wisdom, Spirituality and Humility unless he doesn't really feel like it. More importantly, the Avatar is a living example of how the Britannians couldn't open a can of beans on their own without summoning a supernatural hero from another universe to do it for them. The Avatar is the player character.

Lord British - The wise, kind, sorta-cowardly and (in the early days) money-grubbing king of Britannia. He rules from his castle, Lord British's Castle, in the city of Britain. His character is also very creative.
Lord British is originally from Earth. He stumbled into a magical portal while perusing the wares at a local renaissance faire and landed in what he originally thought was the world's largest SCA meeting. By bringing modern Earth concepts of law, morality and a smattering of technology to this ancient and primitive world, he was crowned king. And also because he's immortal and virtually indestructible.

Lord Blackthorn - Blackthorn used to be a friend and servant of Lord British. When Lord British went missing during one of his daily sojourns, Blackthorn assumed the leadership of Britannia. He was pretty good at it, too, until a triumverate of evil spirits took control of him and he became a totalitarian dictator. Lord British and the Avatar banished him to another world because it's cheaper than sending him to rehab.

The Guardian - The Guardian is a ridiculously powerful multidimensional god-creature. His hobbies include living in the ethereal void between universes, conquering the multiverse and slaughtering millions of people. Generally the Guardian conquers a world and turns it into a living parody of its former self, but when he's really pissed off he tends to destroy a world utterly.

CHAPTER ONE: THIS IS THE ONLY CHAPTER

A giant glowing column bursts from the ground and slices its way to the heavens. This farmer looks quite concerned.



And then he gets crushed by a rock.






The rich barotone of Hawkwind the Seer slices through the morning air, jolting the Avatar from his stupor.




I don't know if the Avatar is hung over, but I like to pretend he is.




Television brings back sad memories.




This is sage advice. It's also one of the only times you are ever told what to do in the entire game.




Bullshit.




Ultima IX features the occasional bout of creative interactivity. For instance, with this bread machine we can make the most important item in the game.




First we add flour, and an egg. Then we add my special "secret ingredient"






This loaf of death will help us cope with this EA product placement-infested hellhole. Let's take it with us for now.







This is one of the most powerful weapons in the game. We're on easy street now guys!


Now let's hurry up and get out of here, before the EA ads find us.



It seems the Avatar lives in a state park near Austin. Hmm.

Clicking on that telescope makes your computer hard lock, so let's keep going!




It appears an itinerant ethnic minority is trying to establish a home near my upper-middle class community. Not on my watch!




If you can remember this line of dialogue the game becomes about 20% shorter. For the sake of this playthrough I'm going to pretend to forget, but think about that for a second.




: Greetings, Avatar. Britannia awaits. This will be your ultimate challenge: the final battle for the destiny of Britannia. Should you complete this quest, you will never return to Earth again, nor shall you return to Britannia. Are you now prepared for this most important quest?

: Just show me the cards already, lady.

: *sigh* Give each question serious consideration. Your answers shall determine how you will begin your journey to Britannia.



So what will it be, guys? Will the Avatar be a damn dirty