Part 16: Horny Toads... I'm F#%king Serious
This is where the game just gets really stupid.
Leonard: So no one else saw the ship?
Yulie: Kara, you live in Albana, right?
Eldore: Which means you must know the lay of the land. Leonard: How can you stand the heat?So you would think all we need to do now is head for the ruins in the Sand Maze and use the White Knight-shaped “fuck you, I win” button to rescue Cisna and Lena from the Magi. Right?
Well…
CUTSCENE: The Latest Dilemma
Kara: Wait.
Kara: We can’t get through the south gate without a pass…
Kara: And for one of those, we need to talk to the Don.
Yulie: Who’s… the Don?
Kara: Nobody here so much as breathes without his saying-so.
Kara: Don Phibianacci runs Albana; he’s got his fingers in every pie in town.
Orren: Gods, I hope that’s not a euphemism for something…
Yulie: Hmm. The big cheese. Guess he’s pretty scary.
Eldore: It sounds as though we’ll have to speak with him regardless.
Leonard: Fair enough. Come on. Orren: Wait a second. Hey, lady? Why couldn’t you have told us this before we went all the way to the South Gate? Huh? Kara: I explain myself to no one.
Orren: Fuck you…?
Eldore: Uugh. If they don't tax your goods, they'll tax your patience. Leonard: I wonder what the Don's like. Orren: Wait for it… Yulie: So… We just need to talk to this Don Phibianaci character. Eldore: Stay vigilant. The Magi might still be about. Leonard: Wouldn't surprise me. Yulie: Don't worry, we picked up an extra sword along the way!So we’ve not got to backtrack and head towards Don Phib’s palace. And what a palace it is. I gotta say, the Don likes his swag, apparently.
Awwww, Christ. I know what’s coming next. I don’t want to do it. I reeeeealy don’t want to do it.
But I have to…
…Fuck.
Let’s go meet the Toads.
CUTSCENE: An Errand for the Don
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Don Phibianacci” (Disc 1, Track 27)
Pedro: Yeah, what do ya want?These guys have the thickest fake Cockney accents ever.
Padro: Dis ‘ere’s Don Phibianacci’s mansion. And Boss Phibiancci’s sick, and he ain’t seeing no one.
Padro: So buzz off.
Pedro: Hoho, whut? Can’t leave without seein ‘im? In dire straits, are we? Well, there’s nuthin we can do bout it, is ere?
Padro: Umhuhm! That is, unless yer reeeealy desperate…
They start whispering to one another.
Pedro: Give us a sec, alright?
Padro: Do you think we should tell ‘em? Pedro: Whut, about that? Oh, I dun know mate.
They start muttering to one another.
Pedro: Mm. Right then. Sorry to keep ya waiting.
Pedro: Now, there is a way to cure the boss of dat which ails him, and you lot can ‘elp. Padro: We reckon dat when Boss Phibianacci’s feeling all perky again, he might be willing to welcome you into his home.
Orren: Don’t do it, buddy. All these little bastards will do is get you to make an ass out of yourself for their enjoyment. It’s not that big of gate. Just use your Knight on it and walk right through it. Leonard: What’s a Knight? Orren: Son, I will murder you one of these days.
Pedro: Oi! Don’t you go listening’ ta Fauxhawk McStupidbraids ‘ere! We’re totes above board, ya know! Pedro: Ya see, the Boss is suffering under the pangs of—well, ya know… “love.” He’s love-struck, he is.
Pedro: Tha things I’ve ‘ad ta do in tha last few days…. Urrrgh. Padro: So ‘ere’s the plan: you lot can scamper on up to the oasis in the north, find the famous beauty, a bird called Verruca … 
Padro: And give her dis letter.
Pedro: See she gets it now!
Pedro: If tha Boss stays sick, none of us’ll ever get any business done.
Leonard: Not so fast! Why not just take it yourselves? Orren: Oh my gods, did you just ask a legitimately intelligent question?Thank god, Leonard’s flash of critical thought is going to get us out of this stupid fetch quest.
Pedro: Mmm, well you might ask that; reasonable enough question.
Pedro: But who’d want any part of this stupid—
Pedro: Urgh!
Padro: Uuuuh-heh heh ha hah. That is, well…
Padro: You know, we’re not exactly good at desert travel. Not like experienced travellers like yerselves!Despite the fact that they live and work in the middle of the goddamn desert.
Padro: Best of luck, then.
Yulie: Love-struck? You believe that? Orren: Look at who you’re talking to. Yulie: …dammit.
Kara: Phibianacci has total control of this town. If he says jump, we say “how high?” Yulie & Eldore: Urgh…
Orren: …Why am I still following you people?
Leonard: Those Toads could talk a fly into joining them for dinner. Eldore: We'll just have to do what they say.Woo. So this is the first of the game’s “there and back again” fetch quests. It’s priming you early for all the bullshit fetch quests you’re gonna get slammed with in Greede, when you do errands and quests, and what you put up with for the majority of game two.
CUTSCENE: Courting a Powerful Ally
We head back out into the goddamn desert…
And Leonard is still acting like a pussy about the heat, while everyone else has gotten used to it by now.
Leonard: I am reeeeally starting to hate deserts. Orren: Then go back and wait in the town. Between Yulie, Kara, and the old fart, we can easily do this without you. You know?
Eldore: Enough complaining.
Eldore: Phibianacci is a powerful merchant who rules the arms trade on this continent.
Eldore: And word has it, he owns technology that allows him to fuse weapons and make them even more devastating. He’s a powerful ally, provided we manage to get the Don on our side.…Why am I suddenly imagining Dead Rising-esque sword-spears with teddy bear pommels when Mr. Sheffield starts talking about “fusing” weaponry together?
Though like everything else in this game, my imagination outpaces the game’s
.But we’ll cover that soon enough.
Kara: Wow. Impressive. Eldore: I get out of the house a lot.
Yulie: Soooo…
Yulie: Any bets on what this famous beauty Verucca looks like? Kara: I think I have an idea. Yulie: You do?! Orren: With a name like “Verruca,” what exactly are you expecting?
Leonard: We’ll see. Come on.
Leonard: To the oasis!
So what you immediately notice once you get out in the field and get control over the party back is that we now have four characters in our party. This is because Kara is actually a guest character for the time being.
The difference between Kara and our previous guest characters, Raus and Cisna, is that Kara is actually useful. She comes equipped with a rapier-like weapon called an Estoc, and has comparable stats and pre-coded abilities to that of the party at this point in the game.
She’s essentially a 4th player character in all but name and character customizability. Sadly, this also means she’s controlled full time by the game’s remedial AI.
One thing to point out: if you check the map from the previous update, you’ll see that the Oasis, seen here, is actually close by the north gate of Albana, yet to get to it, instead of hopping down this cliff side (maybe using the Knight to cushion the landing in a burst of innovative gameplay), we have to take the long way around on a path swarming with enemies.
Because in Japan, Shirokishi Monogitari roughly translates out to: “tedious padding happy funtime big game.”
Yulie: You know, I think he’s sweet, writing a love letter. 
Eldore: That makes one of us… Leonard: Poor guy, separated from the one he loves. Kara: Heh, you might change your tune when you meet the lovely lady.
Leonard: Oh desert, so good to see you again. Orren: Was that actual sarcasm? Holy shit. Yulie: An oasis beauty, huh? Bet she must get lots of visitors. Eldore: Ehh, try not to get your hopes up.Damn, Eldore, you are just harshing everyone lately. Keep it up, please.
Also, here's a nice little piece of in-game continuity: the Lagnish Desert stretched out on to Nadias's eastern coast and you can actually see bits of the coastline on the world map screen. So Level-5 actually included a couple of views of the ocean out in the distance here and there.
Level-5 don’t go pushing that
button often, but when they do… it’s over some really minor detail-oriented crap like this. Leonard: Uuuh. I wish we had a monoship… Yulie: Shut up and walk, Leonard. Orren: Ditto that. Eldore: Remember now, we’re doing this for your Princess. Kara: Well, wouldn’t you just make a gallant prince…
But fuck that noise. Here’s the Oasis!
CUTSCENE: The Lovely Verruca
The party gathers on the shore of the oasis, wondering where they might find the lovely Verruca.
Suddenly, the pond begins to bubble with activity.
Leonard: What the—
Yulie: A monster?!Ah great, another boss fight…
You’d almost think he was some kind of actual hero with that determined stare.
You’re fucking wrong, but it’s nice that you’re still holding out some home for him.
A massive form begins to emerge from behind the torrent.
Of course, while Leonard is still busy considering what he might possibly do next, Yulie springs into action, leaping towards the massive beast, ready to kill it with her bare hands.
Because Yulie is fucking awesome.
Eldore doesn’t seem to think this is such a good idea, however.
I wonder…
Eldore: Wait. I think this might be Verruca.
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Verruca” (Disc 1, Track 28)
Fun fact: in the Japanese version, Verruca is named Yvonne. Why D3 changed it when they localized the game, I have no idea.
Leonard: What?
Wut…
Yulie suddenly gets the shittiest of shit-eating grins.
She toddles up behind Leonard…
And shoves him towards the giant pink Naruto toad knock off.
Leonard: ’The fuck, girl?!
Verruca: Hey sexy… 
Orren: Please, ma’am, don’t encourage him.I love that she actually winks at him. In five seconds, Verruca has shown more interesting characterization than Leonard has in five hours.
Leonard tepidly approaches with the letter.
And she takes it off his hands.
Verruca: Dear Sir or Madam… You may have already won…
Verruca: RIB-A-RIBA-RIIIIBIT!!
Great, instead of non-stop badass Knight action his game has been five hours of fuck ups, wine deliveries, pointless running around, and now, frog orgasms.
White Knight Chronicles! …You’re not gonna see this shit anywhere else, trust me.
Eldore: Well, it would seem the love is reciprocated. Leonard: Y…you think? Yulie: Huh?
Sigh. At least someone is enjoying themselves right now.
Overjoyed at Don Phibs’ declaration of love for her, Verruca does a backflip cannonball back into her oasis.
Leonard: So I guess that’s mission accomplished, right?The kid just loves tempting fate…
Yulie: Let’s head back then.
Eldore: Wait.
It seems the lovely Verruca isn’t quite done with us yet.
This is close enough on a species level to count as a “Big-Lipped Alligator Moment,” right?
Verruca: Now I will sing for you the song of my people…
Yulie: Look! Is that a letter? She wrote back!
Eldore: I believe she wants this delivered to Phibianacci.
Verruca: Ri-bi-biiiiiii!
You go girl.
Leonard: Uh… Auu-ugh. Well… okay. Maybe this is our ticket to go see the Don.
Eldore: Let’s go find out.
I want to travel back in time to 2006 when I first saw the Tokyo Game Show bullshot trailer for this game and punch myself in the dick for getting excited over it.
I was sold on this awesome fantasy adventure starring a 20 foot-tall magic suit of armour. I bought a game where I’m playing a delivery boy and a 20 foot-tall magic suit of armour gets a brief cameo every three hours.
Fuck you, Level-5.
Eldore: Can't say I… uh… share the Don's taste. Orren: Who honestly WOULD?! Leonard: The Don had better see us now.
Oh look at that, we’re back at Don Phibs’ palace. Okay, let’s get this over with.
CUTSCENE: Love’s Labour Lost
Pedro: Oi! Back already? Orren: Behold the miracle of editing. Pedro: Did you deliver the letter to Verruca, then?
Padro: Ooo. Very nice! Suppose we owe you…
Padro: Except thing have, er, well, changed about while you were gone. Orren: I’d like to point out for the record that I have an axe, and I’m willing to use it.
Pedro: Mrs. Phibianacci, the boss’ missus, she found out about the letter, right?
Pedro: An now the you-know-what’s hit the fan, right! It’s like a bleedin war zone in there!
Padro: ‘Ang on, I got it! 
Padro: Maybe this lot could find some way ta calm tha missus down for us?
Pedro: Hm, yeah, it’s worth a shot, I reckon.
Pedro: Alright. Go on in then.
So the doors to the palace open up, and the party wanders inside.
This should be good…
CUTSCENE: Domestic Disturbance
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Don Phibianacci” (Disc 1, Track 27)
Say what you want about the Don…
They guy knows how to pimp out his digs…
The toads look on in awe and horror at the scene playing out before them.
Oh for god’s sake…
Anura: Rib-rib-ribribrib-rib-riiiib! RIBIIIIT!Love this game’s idea of portraying women in Toad culture. Of the two female toads we’ve met, neither of them have been given any actual speaking lines, and one of them is a stereotypical nagging wife.
Don Phibianacci: You don’t understand, Anura, my sweet! My precious! Do have a heart! A man needs to have a dream sometimes. It makes life worth living! But I still love you best!I love how the Don’s trying to rationalize his affair by implying his wife makes him want to commit suicide. Smoooth.
Also, Don Phibs is so bloody camp I’m legitimately surprised he has two women to run around on. It’s like how Pegasus on Yu-Gi-Oh! is the gayest-acting man on the planet, yet the only person in the show’s universe to apparently have a wife.
Anura: [angry ribbits, because I’m already tired of trying to transcribe this crap]!
You know, on the other hand, suicide is looking like a very appealing option right now, eh Don?
Pedro: Oi! You lot! Can’t you see we’re busy? Clear out! Padro: Hang on a sec. We can use ‘em!
Padro: What ‘ave we here? Looks like some messengers from that bird Verruca! Leonard: What?
Anura: Ribbit?
Padro: Look, you lot! The boss already told your mistress that he can’t accept ‘er proposal, no matter ‘ow keen she is on ‘im!
Padro: So go on, scram! 
Don Phibianacci: Hmm?You know, I gotta commend the Toads on some level. They’re slimy, schecming fucks who screw the party over (across both games!), yet they’re also some of the smartest… ah… people(?) in the game, proving once again that in White Knight Chronicles, virtue and intelligence are mutually exclusive character traits.
Padro: So go on, scram! Wot? You came with a message? Alright, let’s see your message.
Padro: Ahem. My dearest Phibianacci, I have read your letter a thousand times, and each time has broken my heart into tinier and tinier pieces.
Padro: I understand now that your heart is given to one woman, and only one woman—your wife, Anura.
Padro: Oh how I envy her.
Padro: My tears just won’t stop flowing. The oasis has become quite deep, just like after a rain storm. …Uh… farewell forever, my sweet, sweet Phibianacci.
Click the thumbnail for a table-breakingly huge image of the “Pan Shot of Ball-Numbing Stupidity,” immortalized on canvas at the end of this update. Because Eldore’s epic winge just has to be seen to be believed.
Pedro: Well, there you have it! So, Boss, you only had eyes for Mrs. Phibianacci after all, huh?
Pedro: Cor, that’s what I call devotion! But at least that Verruca woman’ll leave you alone from now on. What a relief, huh?The Don’s madly nodding along just over his wife’s shoulder as this is going on. It’s actually kinda funny.
Anura: Ribbit?
Anura: Ribbit.
Anura: Ribbitribbitribbit.
Anura: Ribbitribbitribbitribbitribbit.Oh god, she’s even got frog cleavage.
Goddamnit, Level-5.
Once again another lovely little “Yulie” moment.
So Anura stomps off back to her chambers.
But not before screaming at her hustband one last time.
Anura: RIBBIT! Don Phibianacci: UAAAAAAAAH!…Well, now we know what the answer to the question “What would Kermit and Ms. Piggy’s kid be like?” This thing.
He checks one last time to make sure she’s gone.
Also, I just want to point out the Don’s hat here. Either the man built his palace to match his hat, or he had a hat fashioned to match the roof of his palace. Either way, that’s a ridiculous level of coordination. But then again, when you got more money than god, why not, huh?
Eventually, you can forge your own version of Don Phib’s hat for the characters to wear.
Padro: Cor! That was close.
Don Phibianacci: Your quick thinking certainly saved the day… and possibly my life.
Pedro: Yeah, nice job mate.
Padro: Nah, don’t thank me, thank them lot.
Don Phibianacci: Ohh, indeed I should! From what I am told, you are the ones who delivered my letter to Verruca. Isn’t that correct? Well? What did she say, my good friends?
Pedro: ‘Ere boss, let me read it!
Pedro: Ahem. Dear Phibianacci. Thank you for your kind letter. While I am very flattered, I could never leave the oasis to live near you.
Pedro: Because I cannot live very long outside the water, you see.
Pedro: I’m afraid our love is destined to remain unconsu… uh… unconsummated. Farewell, gentle Don.
Pedro: Aw. I’m sorry, Boss.
Don Phibianacci: Noooo! You LIE!
Don Phibianacci: It simply cannot—
Don Phibianacci: BEEEEEEEEE!
Don Phibianacci: WAAAAAAAUAAAAAH!!!
Yeah…
CUTSCENE: The Don’s Favour
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Don Phibianacci” (Disc 1, Track 27)
Don Phibianacci: Ahh, alas, I feel I’ve subjected our guests to a rather embarrassing display, for which I much apologize.
Don Phibianacci: Not only did you deliver my letter, you rescued me from a domestic disaster.
Don Phibianacci: I am in your debt. Tell me, how can I repay you? Anything, anything you desire, name it and it’s yours. Orren: Ten million guilders and a lordship. Don Phibianacci: Done. Orren: Wow. Now THAT’s service.
Yulie nods in agreement. Leonard, of course, has more simpler and immediate matters on his mind than Orren does.
Leonard: How about a pass for the south gate? We want to go to the ruins. Orren: …Yeah, that too.
Don Phibianacci: A pass for the south gate? Nothing could be easier, my short-tongued lad.
Leonard: Alright!Also, Yulie: that is the face of someone who’s drugs just kicked in big time.
Don Phibianacci: However, this is hardly enough to discharge my obligation to you. Don Phibianacci: The lad with the turtleneck’s lordship and dowry notwithstanding, I mean…
Don Phibianacci: Hmm. What else can I give you? Orren: Let me kill your little hencemen, and we’ll call it even. Don Phibianacci: Nice try, lad. Orren: fuck.
The Don ponders things for a moment.
One of his underlings tries to get his attention.
Don Phibianacci: Ohh! Yes! I have just the thing!
Don Phibianacci: My gut tells me you have a long road ahead of you.Oh please don’t say that…
Don Phibianacci: No doubt you carry weapons with which to fend off monsters of the wild.
Don Phibianacci: Give to me…
Don Phibianacci: Two weapons of your choosing.
Don Phibianacci: And I can bind them together to create a new more powerful weapon for you.
Don Phibianacci: This I will do whenever you wish.And he flashes a thumbs up, because the Don’s a salesman at heart.
Eldore: We thank you, sir.
Don Phibianacci: Oh, one small thing. At it happens, I consider myself a dabbler in all thing mercantile… if you understand me. I will have to charge a small fee for the service…
Don Phibianacci: Strictly for “business purposes.” I promise to keep the fee… reasonable.
Leonard: What kind of thanks is that?The shittiest kind ever, as far as this game and grinding go.
Yulie: Leonard!Luckily, though, Yulie once again is the only one with her head on her shoulders and tells Leonard to shut the fuck up and stop complaining in front of a man with enough money to have them all killed and then have their corpses dipped in gold for his own amusement.
Don Phibianacci: And what’s more! I happen to own a large number of binding posts in every corner of this continent. Henceforth, I shall see that those shops are equally at your disposal.
Eldore: Thank you. You’re far too kind.
Don Phibianacci: Yes. Bind to your heart’s content, as we like to say. Now then, friends, I suppose that you will be on your way.
Don Phibianacci: Allsalesfinalnoexchangesorrefunds.
CUTSCENE: Setting Out For The Ruins
I caught Yulie in mid-stretch in this picture. It looks like she’s doing the Robot, which makes her even cooler in my books.
Yulie: That Phibianacci, he’s quite a character… Kara: I suppose so.
Eldore: At least we can bind our weapons now. Before leaving Albana, we should prepare for the battle ahead.
Leonard: Right. Good idea.See, he’s learning! (At a pace that would make a 4 year-old frustrated).
And with that, we’re done this chapter.
Hallelujah. Now let’s go save the Princess and Blondie’s sister and call this quest a day.
I cannot believe I was actually looking forward to returning to Balandor at that point.
Well, I was about to be brutally disabused of that notion in short order. But it was nice while it lasted.
…I think.
- 9.1 – The Latest Dilemma
- 9.2 – An Errand for the Don
- 9.3 – Courting a Powerful Ally
- 9.4 – The Lovely Verruca
- 9.5 – Love’s Labour Lost
- 9.6 – Domestic Disturbance
- 9.7 – The Don’s Favour
- 9.8 – Setting Out For The Ruins
And now we come to our last major gameplay development until the unveiling of the Arc Knight at the end of the second game: the Binding Post.
So after clearing the Don’s little hurdle, we get a pair of infographics explaining binding in the most general way possible.
Item binding in this game nearly drove me to drink. So let’s explore it in detail, shall we?
So Item Binding is handled in this game exclusively by the Toads. Every town from here on out (including Balandor and Parma) will have a binding post in it denoted by the hammer and scroll icon there above Poltrain’s head.
You remember when I tried to access the Binding Post in Balandor I was told to get lost? Well, now that we’re in good with the Don, we have permission to use them now.
There’s five options to the Binding Post’s menu: Bind Item, Bind Weapon, Bind Armour, Bind Accessory, and Donate.
You can also see down there at the bottom “Member’s Rank” along with 2.5 million points there. That is your Binding Rank. Your Binding Rank is one of the many specific factors that determines what items you can and cannot bind.
You start out at level 1, and it goes up to level 20. Every time you bind an item, you earn points that go towards raising your binding rank. When you clear a certain cumulative point threshold, your rank goes up and your binding catalog expands.
The catch is, as you can see by the stupidly high number there, the Binding Rank point thresholds are stupidly high and you only get a comparably minute number of points for each bind you make.
This is where Donations come in.
You can donate any non-equipped weapon, armour, or item to the Toads for points to raise your Binding Rank. The idea being, the rarer the item you donate (and the larger the quantity), the larger your point haul will be.
The trade-off, however, is that the items worth the most points are also the ones you will often use in binding the rarer and most powerful weapons and upgrades. So the game forces you to triage your wants and needs around its shitty item economy.
Anyway, in the Bind Items screen, you can bind powerful consumable items (depending on your Binding Rank, of course), as well as, on the other tab, materials to bind additional items and weapons with.
TADA!
So you can see at the top of the screen here the binding recipe for this particular item. Each item across the entire binding catalogue had a unique combination of items (and quantities of items) required in order to be bound.
I’ll go over the game’s insane item economy later on, but let’s just say that 99% of the items on this list are thing that you will never ever get to manufacture unless you piss 1000 hours of your life away into this game or you just break down and buy a PS3 Game Genie, which, in my opinion is absolutely necessary to play this game now that Sony killed the online half of the game.
Anyway, down the center and side of the main panel on the screen you can also see how much it will cost you in money to bind the item, and how many of the item you have in stock.
Once an item has been bound, a red checkmark will appear beside it.
On the Bind Weapon screen you can bind weaponry you normally can’t find in stores, particularly in the upper extremes.
Some weapon recipes have a (B) next to their name, which simply means that you can get the same weapon using a different recipe. Standard recipies are either a) two (or more) weapons, or b) two items.
Weapons go from practical weaponry at low levels to insane World of WarCraft-looking kooky things like this. And of course, as you can see on the tabs, each weapon type has a binding line.
Same thing applies with armour binding. You can see there’s a tab for each piece of armour as well as for shields. Just like in stores, armours come in complete sets, sold separately. This, for instance, is where Orren’s jacket and turtleneck come from.
And again more of the same with the Bind Accessory screen. Here you can bind capes, helmets, hats, glasses, and non-visible accessories. The blank model here, for instance, is modeling General Dragias’s cape right now.
And no, you don’t get the chance of bind Dragias’s armor or helmet, sadly. There was a way that you could get a special accessory that overrode your character’s whole appearance and made them look like General Dragias (among other unique characters), but it was part of the game’s weirdass online guild economy, and has since been lost to history now that Sony shut down the serves.
…Unless you have a Game Genie or something.
So that’s it for Item Binding and for Chapter 9 in general.
INFOGRAPHICS!
Oh, one last thing:
Because why the hell not?