Part 3: Chapter 3

Welcome back! Who's ready to beat up Bogarda?



So we go north from the village and the rugged forest into... an even more rugged forest. Color me impressed.



New encounter! Giant wasp things! They appear on the screen, go very slowly toward you, then zoom at you very quickly when they get close enough. One isn't much of a threat; it takes a lot of whacks at this point in the game, but acorns work on them.



This, on the other hand...



Shit.



So anyway, we come up to a... skeleton... guarding a cave.



Apparently he's psychic. Or he's telling me that I'm here to see him, whether I like it or not.





'kay



dead end number one



number two



By the way, I leveled up on skulls along the way. Nothing to write home about yet, but the EXP values sure are getting up there.



Meet the giant snake man. He sure looks intimidating, but he's easier than a rat dog in a fight.



He'll rush you if you get too close, but he gets knocked back each time you hit him. If it weren't for the fireballs he spits out after each hit, you could just do that. As it is, you can smack him twice, then retreat. The wooden shield will block fireballs for some odd reason, but it's very picky about where it lands on you to make it count. So, stab twice, then retreat. You can repeat this until the fight is done.



dammit, three



another snake man



four- Wait a second! I see a pink thing that may or may not be a treasure chest.



(Triumphant blah blah)

- "It is a golden image of a human face." "You have the light of life."

(Another triumphant noise)

- Did... did that treasure chest just get me pregnant?

That "Light of Life" business happens on several chests, actually. It restores your HP to full. Pretty handy in a pinch, but not all chests have it.



I know I fought you a few times already... but I'm going to do it again.



Take that, skull! Level four for me!



Not a bad stat increase. Some enemies will die in one fewer hit now. And only... more than double the EXP that I have to get to 5. Great.

One trip back to a very friendly old man later...



Yes. You kind of... told me that earlier.





Ah yes, can't forget the cackle. You just wouldn't be an evil skeleton without it.



POOF!



So, cave.



It's got lots of these



Sometimes they're back to back



Sometimes they also have bees. They like to charge at you mindlessly and take an insane number of hits to kill right now.



Or doorways, which, in some cases, can be even more stressful than giant red bees.



Hello chest



- Wait, the sword I've been using isn't for battle?

- "It is a solid and fairly heavy sword."

As most swords like to be.

- "You have the light of life."

Sweet, thanks. So, about that sword...



Yeah, it changed my attack from 9 to 23. I'm thinking I should keep it.



More bees later



Wow, another chest?



Huh, how'd that get down here? Well, invisibility will sure come in handy-

- "When you wear it your strength increases."

...Oh. Okay. No light of life either, it seems.



Here's my item list so far. One gold statue, and one ring. It gave me ten more points to my attack, so it sure wasn't kidding about my strength. Also, don't worry about equipping the ring; stuff in your Items list automagically equips.

I'm really hurt. I should go back to that battle sword chest and scrounge up some light of life.



Oh well... thanks anyway.



I also encounter this little cutie. When he raises his hands, sparkles appear all over the place, and then...



Willow the Pig time! You can't attack or use magic until it wears off, and he's shooting little glowing Cheerios at you until it does. Also, you can't leave the screen until you turn back to normal. I'm not sure why.

No advice on this guy. He just does his thing and then vanishes when you turn back to normal. Kind of a dick.



I



LOVE



CORRIDORS!



Uh oh, giant room. This must be the boss area. Healmace'd and ready to rumble.



That 8-bit jail door noise plays again, and then this guy instantly appears and the door disappears just as instantly.



- What!? You won't give me the statue. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! (sic) Do you intend to oppose me? You pitiful creature!!

- You are!



Boss fight! Boogerda here isn't very hard as far as tactics go.



He runs away from you and throws his axe, which floats in the air for a few seconds then returns to him. That's all he does. Ever. Over and over.



I stab him so hard that he turns invisible for a few seconds.



The end



I hit him so hard he turned back to normal. I'm sure good at my job.

- I will teach you the magic of flowing fire. It should be of help to you.

- You'll teach me... what?

- "You have the magic of flowing fire."

- Umm... thanks?

(Triumphantness)

- If you want to know more about Bavmorda, go and talk to Cherlindrea, the fairy who lives west of the village of Dew in legendary Lake Cheef.

Well, okay. No problem. Couldn't be harder than this little escapade.



- ...Fuck. I'm still in the cave.

Tune in next time for talking squirrels and old people with dragon scale fetishes. I'm not even kidding.