wtfuguyz posted:

Quarterly Report by Agent W.T. Fuguyz

I apologize for the lateness of this report. To be honest, not much interesting has been happening at the base until fairly recentely. At least, nothing worth-


W.T stopped as he heard that all too common interruption of "YOU'VE. GOT. MAIL." Sighing, he opened his mailbox and prepared to delete the inevtable slew of spam, porn advertisments, and spyware when he realized among his mail was a message from his direct superior. He opened it and read, in stunned silence :

Congress and the Senate has decided that our involvement with the X-COM organization is at an end. Majestic has managed to establish a treaty with the EBE's, which, although it will require the sacrifice of some of our population, will insure the survival of the majority and that the United States will continue to dominate the international stage. This gives us a Special Edge over the treaty that the UN has agreed to recentely.

There is an unmarked black van at the corner of 31st and Emerald. Taking the key you will be recieving in the mail, you are to leave the base on "official orders" and tell them your replacement will be there tommorow to drive the van to the American embassy in the capital, where a helicopter will be delivering yourself and the ambassador to the USS Cole in international waters, where the two of you will debrief the president on the X-COM situation, whether or not they plan to still resist despite the official treaty.

Picking his jaw up off the floor after an indeterminite amount of time had passed in shock, he could only mutter to himself. "Motherfuckers." Even after his hard youth in Detroit, he still believed in the USA, as a society if not the shitheels who were in charge of it. As someone who had come from the bottom of the social order, he knew just who would be handed over to the aliens. This was Class Genocide. There was no other explaination, unless...

He looked at his message, and just as he was about to delete it and close out his internet connection, he noticed something.

Infiltrators.

INFILTRATORS.

It all made sense now. The land of the free had been compromised, as had the UN itself. Security protocols had always been a clusterfuck when it came to getting politicians to agree to them. It would be so damn easy! He pulled out his cell phone and made a call on it while preparing a couple new E-Mails. "Hello, Police? There is a unmarked black van at the corner of 31st and Emerald. I believe it has a bomb on it. Good day." The man on the other end began speaking in some sort of foregin language, but he hung up. More important things to attend to.

MESSAGE TO: Captain Otto Xander (hotstudxander@x.com)
RE: URGENT!!!
ENCRYPTION: ASJD7828Y82UOIhjkskahj89uu828hsioWIJH

Captain;

It has recentely come to my attention that The United Nations as well as the US Government have decided to cut off all support of X-COM and begin negotiations with the aliens. For various reasons I find this unacceptable, and have decided to defect. I have attached a zipfile containing what relevant information about the US Government I can recall as well as the E-mail I recieved regarding this matter to you. Also, please have any packages or mail that is sent to me examined for possible letter bombs.

William T. Fuguyz

He sent off the letter, then began work on one more:

MESSAGE TO: Little grey bitch (awesomeman@nsa.gov)
RE:X-COM
ENCRYPTION: NONE

Hey. I got your message, and I thought that you could deliver this important information to our new friends. That is, if you're not one of them.

ATTACHED IMAGE: HELLO.JPEG

Consider this my resignation.


Realizing that he may, in fact, be the first man to ever Goatse an EBE, and what an important event in human history that would be, he hit send with a smile on his face.