Part 18: Episode XVIII (Part 1): Fei Fong Wong Gets Drunk and Breathes Fire
Episode XVIII (Part 1): Fei Fong Wong Gets Drunk and Breathes Fire
”Man, it felt like it took forever to finally get into town...”
“That walk did seem strangely long...”
“You two are just imaging things.”Music: Aveh, The Ancient Dance (Hey listen to this. It’s so damn festive!)
So welcome to Bledavik. It is kind of a big town, if the mini-world map of the region didn’t clue you in.
A woman runs over to Fei shortly upon trotting into town...
“Welcome to Bledavik! We're having a festival celebrating the founding of our country, Aveh. There's a martial arts tournament too. It's been a while since we have had so many visitors. Do you already have a hotel?” ”Not yet. We’ve only been in the city like five minu—“ “You'd better get a room soon or they'll all be gone. I know a good hotel. The hotel I am talking about is... That one. Tell them my name at the front desk and they'll give you a deal.”
So if you couldn’t tell, our next plot trigger is over in the hotel there. We can also name drop that woman to get a discount rate if we choose to stay there. Only she didn’t give us a name... But, if Fei basically goes “shit I dunno her name” the innkeeper will accept that. Anyhow, we could just waltz in to trigger the next scene...
However, if we act like dicks and bust into the hotel by circling up to the rooftops and going through the window, we can a more amusing trigger for the event. Besides Fei is seriously slacking on his jackass quota the last few chapters.
The trio busts into a nun’s hotel room and scare the piss out of her...
”Sup?”
“Good lord, what in the hell?!”
”If you didn’t want people to bust in through your window, you shoulda kept it closed.” “We’re in the middle of the desert in summer...” “Details.” “Mister, I’ll have you kn—wait... Is that...? “Prince Bartholomew!” ”Sup?” “...I’m sorry. I heard Prince Bartholomew was coming here... I just never expected it would be through the window... Please come in. Though... Excuse me but who are they...?” "Oh, this is Fei and Citan. They're going to help rescue Margie." “Thank you for coming here in this desert heat. I am a servant of the Nisan Sect. Ever since Shakhan took Mother Marguerite I've been looking into ways to get her back. I've been trying to find out where she is being held. I've been busy listening to workers talk about the comings and goings from the castle... And giving food to the guards who are preparing for the Tournament to loosen their lips too.” ”Kinky...” “...”
*frown* “Finally yesterday, I got some information... Margie's in the citadel. The problem is how to slip into the castle... I thought about it a lot but it looks pretty bleak. I'm sorry.”
“I mean, it was the most obvious place you could think of in the city. But ‘A’ for effort.” “You just relax, we'll find a way to slip into the castle." ”Umm...not too familiar with religions or anything but err...shouldn’t there be a bit more than just one nun looking into the Pop—‘Holy Mother’ getting kidnapped by the leader of some country?” “I do not follow...” “My apologies. If there is anything else I can do to help just ask... Do you have any good leads?” "Not yet. We're gonna hit the streets for info. Then we'll think about the rest later." “I see. I'm very relieved that you are all here. Please come see me again if you hear anything new.”Alright...new objective: totally wing this entire operation and report back to the single nun they sent to gather intel about the kidnapped fantasy pope. Great...
Welp, the best way to gather info is to just poke around town. There are quite a few points of interest in the city. Right next to the hotel is another one of those Ethos hooligans’ Gear shops. I dunno if I can, in good faith, frequent an establishment that preaches religious mumbo-jumbo like “evolution” and other such rot.
But, if I did I could upgrade Heimdal’s engine to give it a decent boost to HP. Always helpful.
In town there are assorted stands we can buy fresh produce from. This merchant had best raise his prices for those Lahan Radishes... We can haggle prices from assorted vendors in the square by just sitting idle for a few seconds before buying something. They’ll slash the price tag a couple bucks the longer we wait around. I’m Commander Wong and this is my favorite store on the capital.
Further down the market district we can come across a couple of kids shoplifting a grocer. Unfortunately said merchant is kind of a moron and doesn’t notice it was a two kid job and blames the wrong kid. But, the all seeing eye of the 3rd person camera observes all.
We can follow the thieving kids up a nearby flight of stairs right next to the shop. They basically tell us to go fuck ourselves. However...
”Eh...I’ve got radishes from a town that blew up... But I guess.”
The kid decides to be a dick and asks for a G-note to keep them fed. We can actually commit to their offer here and it may open up something of value later down the line... The kiddies will basically go “holy shit REALLY?!” and swear off a life of crime and promise to pay us back when their dad comes home from the war (he’s totally dead.)
In the same little child filled balcony area we can speak with this little jerk who wants to play hide-and-seek. It is highly recommended to oblige his request, as it may yield a special reward. Anyhow...a cliff notes version of where the kid hides.
The first one is easy. He’s behind the exit to the town’s north edge. He’s not even hiding behind anything. Sheesh!
Next is behind some barrels just outside the Ethos building. At least that’s a bit better. A real stealth master would have hidden INSIDE the barrel...
This one is kind of a pain in the ass since it is behind a place the camera simply will NOT cooperate with and unless you see the three pixels of the edge of his head sticking out, it is easy to miss.
Last one is again out in the open except the kid is genre savvy and knows we cannot see dick from our camera’s perspective. This final one breaks the young child’s spirit and causes him to give up Hide-and-Seek forever. He also calls our bullshit for being adults and playing this game like total man-children.
But he does give up a H&S Badge for our troubles to place right alongside the RPS one in our inventory of crap that will be useful tens of hours from now.
Next on the tourist agenda...we can also grab a bite to eat at a local restaurant. It requires first telling the stoner waitress to shut up about fish and actually seat us.
At this point we can order one of three vague meals, since this establishment lacks menus. We also do not get to learn the prices or effects of said meals until after we’ve already been served. Kind of a crappy business practice, to be honest... Something delicious is 300G and fully restores HP/MP for a bit of a weight gain. Something cheap is only 90G and restores half HP/MP but its greasy contents make us gain a shit load of weight. Something fast makes the waitress animates at double speed for 260G and restores only a tiny bit of HP/MP. Either of the ways, Fei will always snub her for a tip.
There is a little secret scene if we’re somehow totally broke as hell and cannot afford a 300G meal. The waitress will get pissed and run to get the owner...
At which point a little kid will burst through the fire exit and lead the party to safety. I think that meets our dickhead quota for the town. We can follow after the kid to learn what the hell that was all about...
“He said he could tell who would do that kinda thing. Since he went into the army there’s a new waitress... I want to make it easy for him to get his job back when he returns. I mainly bug the waitress and help bilkers who dine and dash get away.” ”You’re kind of a dick, kiddo... I like the cut of your jib.”
Alright, let’s get on task. In the upper eastern part of town is an old timer that mentions there’s a
“It's been a while since anyone asked me about that. Everyone wanted to know about it back then... Well... cough... I was still a kid when I hid in there. Actually I got lost... pretty embarrassing! At first, I thought I could follow the current out, but the grill stopped me. So I swam against the current. The speed of the current is always changing so if your timing's off it's really tough. I hear it's the opening and closing of the flood gate that changes the speed of the current. But if you keep going against the current you'll end up right under the castle. I was scared stiff by the manager guy there... The lid to the well's been locked since then. It was a great place to hide but it's no place for amateurs.” ”Cool story, bro. Do you know where the key to the thing is?” “Huh? The key? The old guy who is always sitting on the bench by the east well has it.”Back to the sewer grate...
“I've got it. I'm in charge of the waterworks association. What are you gonna do with the key?” ”Gonna go loot the shit outta the castle!” “Fei!” “You big fools! You kids are thinking of playing around and living the easy life while other kids are out there spilling their blood on the battlefield! Shame on you! Shame! You don’t deserve to live here. This whole town is rotting away... Damn! Dam that Shakhan!” “Don’t get mad, gramps. It’s a joke. A joke. Look at me. Do I look like a thief to you?” ”...” “Is that a rhetorical question? You’re wearing a bloody eyepatch...” “I don’t get it.........Oh? ...Oh! You... No, it couldn’t be!” “Gramps, are you senile? It’s true. It is me!” ”Shouldn’t you be keeping a bit of a lower profile that you’re a deposed prince of the area...?” “Fei, some random nun I’ve never met knew I was gonna be in town before I ever thought to come here...it’s pretty much the worst kept secret in the country...” “...Point taken.” “Prince Bartholomew? I thought you had died in that accident. You’re still alive...” “Still alive and I’m gonna save my cousin being held in the castle. That’s why I gotta sneak through the waterways. So help me out here gramps.”
The old man is totally stoked that Bart is still alive and he’s going to go save Margie (does that make Shakhan Homer...?) and hands over the key to the sewer dungeon. Well, that’s the problem of getting into the castle solved. But Citan thinks we still need
So let’s head further into the city and go dick around the festival to go find
I like this area. There’s a bunch of goofy stuff to dick around doing to pass the time with festivities. For instance this chicken-man sells...
Bartweiser Lite Beer. Guzzling that will cause the camera to start wobbling and shaking like it’s in a Jason Bourne flick for the duration of our stay in this area. Kinda hard to convey in static screen shots. But rest assured that Fei is pretty shitfaced for the rest of this update...
From the human-anteater hybrid we can consume flavored cake that either half-freeze to death our party, causing them to lose weight, or spicy desserts that cause they to explode and get love handles. Sure, why not?
This terrifying...thing...will read Fei’s fortune for 20G. This basically involves him turning into a non-corporeal being and mind-raping our hero to get...
A basic outline of our next objective. Sure...why not? Again...
At the northern part of the square is some crazy bitch breathing fire and she will teach Fei that via the power of will (and holding R2 + X) Fei too can spew fumes like he’s Dhalsim.
Sure enough...Fei totally gets to breathe purple fire at any time in this area. I am remarkably disappointed he was unable to do that at any point for the rest of the game. Since who wouldn’t love a random “breathe fire for the fuck of it” button? You dropped the ball here, Square.
Fei overhears a conversation...
“No, nope. Wait till the Tournament is over. I’ll buy you something better then.”
Fei can now proceed to shit on Chicken Dad’s wishes and go buy a Gear action figure to give to the Chicken Kid for some very valuable info.
”Here take it... You’re a frakkin’ man-chicken kid... It kinda puts my problems into perspective...”
“Really?!” *jumps* “Thanks mister. I’ll keep it forever. That’s it! As thanks I’ll tell you a secret. I heard this from my grandpa...you know that restaurant in town with the fish tank? And that treasure box in the tank?” ”I may be banned from there for life. Yes.” “Inside it...there’s a gold nugget! Good, huh? Here’s the best part... There’s a secret entrance to it through the underground waterways! This is TOP secret, OK? And you’re the only one I’ve told...really, thank you.”So yeah...that unlocks access to a trinket in the next dungeon we can sell for 2,000 Gold. Definitely worth the investment.
”What...ARE you?!”
“Free balloons!” *squeal* “You’re awesome!”
Sadly, Citan continues to be a killjoy and prevents us from entering the Games tent. Sheesh. First he cock-blocked us with the hot redhead Nazi girl and now he won’t let us play games. Citan is clearly not a good bro.
Anyhow...Picture: Our hero drunk, holding a balloon, and breathing fire. I think that’s enough for festivities. Maybe the castle holds something of interest...
Upon nearing the northern exit of the square...
"The castle's up ahead. If I go, it'll cause problems. If you're going to go, the two of you should go by yourselves. I'll wait here." "Fei, what shall we do?" *hic* ”Go visit the Games tent...” “...” "Okay, be careful."
”Oh Goddammit!” “What is wrong, Fei?” “I lost my balloon...” “...You can get another one, Fei...” *frown* “I liked that one...”
Alright, on to Fatima Castle. Kind of weird Prime Minister Shakhan re-named a town square after himself, but left the imperial palace named after the former rules he’d murdered...
Some jerk immediately runs up to Fei and Citan upon entering the area...
"The champion of what?"
“Huh? The champion of the 'Tournament'!” "Do they bet on this 'Tournament'?" “What? What are you talking about? Tournaments ARE gambling! Why do you think people even come here? To bet on who will be champion! Duh! “Excuse us, we have only just arrived and know nothing of the Tournament." “Oh, tourists, huh? Well let me tell you about the Tournament. Every year they hold a big martial arts tournament here in Aveh. Fighters from all over the world gather to see who's strongest. It's like a big brawl. Everyone goes wild over guessing who'll win. So, wanna give it a try? "Betting on the Tournament... Is that allowed at such a grand event?" “You bet. The soldiers are crazy about it. If Kislev attacked tomorrow Aveh would be dust.” <Bingo!> “What are you gonna do? Registration's not over yet, but all the strong ones have signed up. The rest are only after the consolation prizes anyway...” "Let us wait and see. Some strong ones might still register." “Ha! What a buncha cowards.”The jerk wanders off...
“If you create a stir at the Tournament, the guards will be watching you rather than their posts. It will make it easy for us to sneak into the castle and rescue Margie. What do you think, Fei? Will you enter the Tournament?" "Who... me?" ”I mean I’m pretty good at fighting. But what if like Bruce Lee is in this tournament and steals the show himself... This is a pretty half-baked scheme, doc...” "While you draw the guards' attention the young one can sneak into the castle. Surely you see that it is the only way we will get in? Right... Let us go sign you up." ”Great... Barely getting over my desire not to fight and you’re signing me up for a fighting tournament... That’s healthy...” "And Fei, do not use your real name, make another suitable one." ”...Okay...nobody at all is after me because of my name but you’re the doctor...”
So time for Fei Fong Wong to sign up for a Street Fighting tournament for extremely half-assed reasons. Sure, why not...once more...
We have a number of names to choose from. But eh...fuck it... I’ll let you jerks decide what to call Fei during the tournament. I’m old and grumpy so please clearly use BOLD tags for your vote on each title or else you will not be counted! And separate both choices to make my life easier, don't lump 'em together. Thanks!
For ease of selection:
- Dragon Slaying...
- Ponytailed...
- Wandering...
- Beloved...
- ...Boxer
- ...Youth
- ...Squire
- ...Slacker
Music: Aveh, The Ancient Dance
Citan Uzuki Portrait - So what does that extra glasses lenses do...?