Part 19: Episode XVIII (Part 2): Fei Fong Wong and the Fantastic Fair Fun

Episode XVIII (Part 2): Fei Fong Wong and the Fantastic Fair Fun

Music: Aveh, the Ancient Dance


”...Really, Fei?”
“Hey, you’re the one who said to make a fake name!”
“Yes, but...”
“I was thinking of ‘Wandering Boxer’ as my second choice. But then I realized the crowd might call BS on me if I started pulling off bicycle kicks and stuff.”
“...Let’s just get Bart and head back to the hotel to plan our next move...”

The trio returns to the hotel. I wonder what the manager thinks about three grown men continuously marching up to a nun’s room together multiple times. And then spending the night...


“Tomorrow is the Tournament. There will be betting at the arena. Surely, the soldiers' minds will be more on the Tournament than their job. We must use this to our advantage."
“What do you mean?”
"Fei will participate. We will have him put on a big show there."
“I'm sure today's the last day to sign up for the Tournament. You'd better register soon.”
“No need to worry. Fei already registered."
”I’m the Dragon-slaying Slacker.”
“I get the second part...but isn’t ‘dragon-slaying’ a bit much?”
“I beat a tyrannosaurs to death with Weltall a couple days before I met you.”
“Yeah right.”
“It is true. I delivered it to him with my Land Crab. He was attempting to fight it on foot prior to that.”
“...”
“...Remind me not to piss you off.”
“Fei is in the Tournament. He will draw the guards' attention. Then Bart will enter the castle through the waterways via the well. After that he will rescue Marguerite from the citadel. I will accompany Fei to the Tournament. I will also help work the crowd and secure our escape."

I’m picturing Citan acting like a pro-wrestler promoter. Likewise, I am hoping Fei slams somebody in the head with a steel folding-chair. Anyhow, Citan suggests we get some rest for tomorrow.


But fuck that noise! Old man Citan is not holding back Fei’s fun anymore.




We can totally go into that game tent now. And dammit, our drunken fire breathing hero is going to game!

Fei enters the tent...


Fei enters to discover an infinite void filled only with mysterious curtains and their gangly mutant abomination keepers... Also balloons.


For 10G a pop we can play the games featured in this place of nightmares. Let’s try Merry Go Pop and hope it doesn’t involve someone’s head exploding.


“Let me explain the rules. Different colored balloons will come out of the four holes. You must pop them. Each color is worth different points.”




Simple enough. Fei will automatically pop balloons on contact. The game lasts for a minute as our hero runs around like a spaz giggling and popping helium filled bags. We received a nice Iron Helmet for our troubles on top of it.


Upon completing the game once, an “Expert Level” version of the mini-game opens up in which that old horror of the late 90s, the dreaded COLORED LIGHTING, masks the shades of the balloons making it tremendously more difficult to get a decent score. But enough about that.


Time now for some child cruelty in our mini-games. Up next is “Whose Balloons”. An innocent enough title. But it holds a darker secret...


“Here are the rules. Children holding balloons will come floating down. Their balloons will fly away as they let go of them. You much catch the balloons and return them to the children. Return as many balloons as possible within the time limit.”
”Wait...children...? Whose children...?”
“The balloons.”
“...That doesn’t answer anything!”
*floats away on balloons* “The game begins now.”




So yeah... This guy is basically tossing small children from the roof onto a disco floor with only balloons to guide them to safety. There is no way this can be legal. Anyhow, this demented game is really a pain in the ass since the kids immediately start wandering around like...well children that are probably drugged and traumatized by being trapped in this nightmare realm. It’s easy to lose track of the kid and their balloon. And Fei has to talk to the kids to give said balloons (and will get bitched out if it’s the wrong kid.) To make no mention that toward the end there will be a shit load of stray children and balloons and flashing lights and so the framerate starts chugging and it is just a big mess.

But we did get 5 Aquasols by participating, so that’s nice.




The final ‘game’ is the “Mirror of Truth” It will...make Fei look kinda fat if he’s overweight. He can spin in place to see his chunky mirror image and...that’s about it.


Welp, that was like something out of a David Lynch flick. Perhaps Citan was right about not going into the tent... I think Fei could use another Bartweiser to relax after that the parade of flying children and balloons.

Fei returns to the relative sanity outside the Games Tent...


“!!”
<Ffffffff—>
“It's me. Moulten from the Laughing Pig Pub. You'd never know it from the way I look now though... Ha ha ha ha. So how's my wife and daughter doing back in the village?”
“Ahh... Well...”




”Uuuuuuuh... They’re umm...fine...”
“Of course, they're fine. That's the only thing they do well. Ha ha ha ha. I want to return soon but I still don't have the money to bring them to Aveh. I'm done getting the festival ready, and now I've got another job. I'm really busy. It'd be nice to have a little lodge in a small village like Lahan. To get the money together, I started a business and now I'm really busy. I want to send my girl to school and buy nice things for my wife... I guess I'm talking too much. Ha ha ha.”
“...Ahh, ...um...”
"...If I don't go soon the boss'll get mad. Well, see you Fei. Say 'hi' to my wife and daughter for me.”
“...”
”Welp...festival over for me... After like eight or nine more rounds at the bar...”


”What’s the matter, you look pale.”
“I saw a guy from Lahan.”
“Oh...I see...”
“He was pretty happy to see me.”
“Oh, well that is ni—“
“He told me to say hi to his wife and kid next time I was in town...”
“...Oh.”
“...”
“I kinda feel like I’m missing something here...”
*laugh track*

Welp, I’m sure that’s the last fallout from Lahan we’ll hear about while in town. See you next time when Fei Fong Wong the Dragon-Slaying Slacker takes on all challengers to become the king of street fighters.










Fei Fong Wong Portrait – They say when you gaze long into the haircurl, the haircurl also gazes into you.