Part 21: Episode XX: The Dragon Slaying Slacker vs. The World!
Episode XX: The Dragon Slaying Slacker vs. The World!
Man, Fei is just a huge hit with the ladies...provided they’re affiliated with the fantasy Nazi faction.
Music: Stage of Death ~ Orchestral Version
Time for the first match of the tournament: The Dragon Slaying Slacker vs. an Obese Gray-skinned Club Wielding Mexican. Hey...since when does martial arts include weapons...?
Gonzalez is a pretty simple fight. His only attack is to just whack the Dragon Slaying Slacker over the head with his club for 20 HP of damage. That is...unless DSS should perform a Deathblow.
If that occurs, Gonzalez will flip his shit and go berserk on Fei for 60-80 HP of damage.
But, just sticking to normal blows for some Deathblow practice and the pudgy fighter will go down in no time.
The game takes mercy on us for this solo boss rush. After each round of the tournament Fei is allowed to heal, re-equip, and take a breather before the next leg of the tournament. At this point, we switch over to Bart for a few minutes...
Bart has the lovely task of swimming through the Bledavik sewers to infiltrate Fatima Castle by himself to save his cousin, Margie. I’d really like to know what the hell happened to Sigurd or...Bart’s entire pirate operation. I somehow doubt that sending the sole surviving successor to the throne (and only person who knows where the other half of this Fatima Jewel thing is located) solo into a castle full of soldiers that will kill him on sight is a particularly good idea... But that’s just me...
So, did I mention that Bart is apparently an Olympic class swimmer? This isn’t a traditional sewer level there’s one of those later and it is up there with the one from Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines as worst one ever . It is just Prince Fatima swimming up current non-stop attempting to reach the castle. Occasionally floodgates will open causing the flow to bring Bart’s progress to a halt. So that’s fun... There are no random battles while swimming through the town’s water supply like a jerk. But every three minutes or so...
We cut back to the Dragon Slaying Slacker’s next match. Optimally, we want to get out of the sewers as quickly as possible as Fatima Castle fills back up with enemies as soon as the tournament is over. But...in practice that might not always work out. Especially if you do not know where you’re going in the sewer canals. Anyway, enough of that. Time for a viewtiful battle against Big Joe!
Despite all of Joe’s big talk he hits for a whole...1 HP of damage. Well...I guess the “big” part of his name doesn’t refer to DPS.
But, Big Joe was right about the power of fans. Joe’s fan club will hurl cans and bottles at Fei periodically. Gee, thanks Citan. You’re doing a bang of job of working the crowd. And isn’t this cheating anyway?! Is there no referee?!
The fans can also toss in refreshments and cheer him on for a quick 50 HP heal. This also seems rather BS. By these rules, can I just have Fei summon Weltall and stomp on the competition?
In any case, even with dubious regulations it doesn’t take much to whittle down Glass Joe’s 777 HP and win the match. Big Joe only provides 1 XP and 1G for the victory. But he does drop a swanky Metal Armor upgrade. So that’s nice.
Meanwhile...
”...”
*glub* “...”
“...” *sinks back into the drain* “...” “...” “I have GOT to stop hitting the pipe before starting my shift...”Back at the tourney...
Up next in the tournament is a battle between the Dragon Slaying Slacker and a little pill popping girl named after a Soviet tactical ballistic missile. Sure, why not?
Scud opens the battle by lobbing a vial of poison into Fei’s face. I get the feeling Fei should have just entered this tournament with an RPG-7 or something to even the playing field. This is getting to be a tad bullshit. If Fei has the foresight to
Other than that, Scud can also just nab a throwing knife out and just lob it at Fei’s face. Now that is just rude. But not particularly damaging at least. Pfft...who uses projectile and throwing weapons with any sort of dignity in a fantasy setting? She might as well be tossing a lamp for all its effectiveness.
Scud can also restore her health at will for 150-200 HP by popping some anti-depressants. This is a bit troublesome as we can only bust out maybe 150 HP of damage with just using our highest end Deathblows. However, Scud does possess one key weakness.
Fei’s Chi Shot completely ruins her shit for 90-100 HP of damage. Seeing as Fei can fire off two or three of those before Scud will attempt healing and combine it with the fact she only has 300 HP of damage and you’ve got a pretty quick fight.
Meanwhile underground...
”Grandma! Grandma look! There’s a man in the fountain!”
“What have I told you about being stupid?!” “But grandma he’s right the—“ “That’s it! Someone isn’t eating dinner tonight!” “Graaaaaandma!” “...”Back at Fatima Castle...
"Hmph! I escaped from Yui's place! I'm here to avenge my sister's death!"
<Man...how bad is the competition in this thing if a 12 year old is in the semi-finals...?> "...Please, Dan. Stop it!" "Shut ya mouth! I will never forgive you ... You murderer!!" "Ergh... What do you want me to do...?" ”I want you to suffer for what you did!” “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
It’s time to battle Dan from Lahan. There are actually two ways of dealing with this bobble-head of a child.
There’s the old stand-bye of just beating the ever-living shit out of the upset kid. This method will just make him call Fei a terrible bastard and he’ll run away crying. But, there is also a hidden alternative method of dealing with this fight too. This is the “correct” way to do the battle seeing as we get 1 XP for just kicking Dan’s ass and 500 XP for doing the alternate route. Of course, there’s no indication that this is possible. But, here’s the secondary method:
DEFENSE! Just defend every round and don’t throw a single punch at Dan the entire match.
Dan will attempt to use his noggin to his advantage via an E. Honda-esque flying headbutt.
He’s also got a mean flying karate kick...
And the Cranium Kid also has a “Deathblow” where he tackles Fei and just pounds the shit out of his face after mounting him. All three of these attacks do...1 HP of damage a piece (okay the third one does THREE HP of damage.) How in the world he made it to the semi-finals is a mystery. He must have been against Dan Hibiki, Roll, and Jigglypuff or something.
Well, perhaps I spoke too soon... Dan also possesses a fucking Kamehameha that hits for nearly 100 HP of damage. I guess Dan min/maxed all his skill points into magic and made strength his dump skill...
Fei refuses to fight back with Dan for several minutes...
“C'mon, I challenged you!"
“There's no way I could ever bring myself to strike you, Dan..." "...Darn! Taking you down so easily like this isn't going to satisfy the souls of my sister or Timothy! Blast! I'll save this duel for later. The next time I meet you, it's going to be your funeral! Scum! Until then, hang on to this! Every time you look at it, I want you to suffer and feel the guilt for what you did!"
Dan has apparently had his dead sister’s wedding dress stuffed down his pants this entire time and tosses it to Fei. This must be the weirdest friggin’ match ever for the spectators...
"Shut up! I don't want to hear your stupid excuses! Fei, you're such a bastard!!" *runs off*
Hah! Joke is on Dan. It turns out Alice made her wedding dress out of frakkin’ Kevlar or something, as it’s some of the best armor available now. So Fei just takes it upon himself to slip that on for the next match. Anyone who uses their artistic ability to depict Fei wearing a wedding dress to uppercut Dan (no shitty 3 minute MSPaint does not count) will be declared the best poster in the thread.
Back in the sewers...
Bart climbs to dry land after swimming up-current for about five miles...
“How many years has it been? Well, haven't you grown up? Are you really the child I used to play hide-and-seek with? Is this some sort of joke...? Well, answer me!? "What're you babblin' on about? Old man, even back when I was a child you used to ramble on and on. But I see it's gotten worse." “What!? Ramble!? Did you say I rambled on? Why you little brat. The only people who I ever allowed to call me a rambler were my late mother and the young prince. His Highness...what was his name?”
“Yes, his Highness Prince Bartholomew! Boy, you certainly know a lot. If Bartholomew was still alive he'd be just about your age... Did you know that both he and his family were killed by that Shakhan?” ”I’d heard something about it...” You won't beat me, Shakhan. I'll protect Aveh's water till I die. In remembrance of the kindness of the king and the young prince.” ”Neat... I’m gonna bust into the castle now.” “Hmm? What was that?!” “I mean...” "Really? Thanks old man. Father would be glad." “...Whaddya mean, father? Are you the son of an acquaintance of mine? Wait wait, I remember... ! No, no, that's not it. I don't recall the king having any secret sons.” "Sorry but I don't have time to explain. You'll remember. See ya!"
”Kept you waiting, huh? Infiltration complete. Beginning sneaking mission...”Back at the interesting part...
Music: Knight of Fire
It is time for the final fight of this king of the iron fist fighters tournament in the spirit of their fatal fury in the art of fighting. Now for a real samurai showdown in this match of the gui...ah, forget it. Final match: Fei Fong Wong the Dragon Slaying Slacker vs. the
Except not really since this is basically a glorified cutscene. Wiseman will effortlessly dodge each and every one of Fei’s attacks. This quickly pisses off the crowd of spectators, even if Fei had pulled the same shit during the previous battle.
A minute of whiffed attack later...
(This is not good. At this rate...)
"...Just as I thought." <Oh gawd... This is gonna be more cryptic BS, isn’t it...?> "You, where did you learn that technique?"
”Ergh... Med school...?” “...” "Who cares where... Come on, now... Put up a serious fight!" "Hmm. So then why do you fight? For yourself? Or for the sake of others?" "Why do you ask that for?" "Doesn't there have to be a reason or a goal, for a person to fight?" "My reasons for fighting are none of your business!" "So, you are fighting for no reason or goal?" ”So I don’t get my ass kicked...?” "Would you shut up! I'm in the middle of fighting for my purpose!" "...Then forget it! For there's no way you could find such." "What!?" "You appear to be looking forward...but in reality, you are only looking downward! You're only looking at yourself. Like that, you will find nothing." "How would you know...?" ”Has anything productive EVER come from navel gazing?” “...” "I know... By exchanging blows with you, I can tell a great deal..." "Argh! Shut up!!"
Fei attempts another round of punching this smarmy masked bastard in the face. But it once more ends in failure.
“But superficially, at least, it seems you've matured physically." "??" "You've done well in recovering from those wounds, Fei..." "How do you know my name!? I deliberately didn't use my real name when I entered this contest.” ”The youth in the previous match shouted it several times while you were fighting.” “Nuh-uh! You knew it before that too.” “...Clever girl.” “And that thing about me recovering from my wounds...!? You aren't who I think you are!?"Wiseman recoils in pain and falls to his knees...
“...I guess it can't be helped... I've got to be on my way!"Wiseman leaps off screen...
*crowd grumbles* "...Uhh, ahem. It appears that competitor Wiseman has forfeited... The remaining competitor will automatically be awarded victory!"
And...that is the end of the legacy of the Dragon Slaying Slacker. Did I mention it was 300G a seat for this thing? I think I’d be pissed at this point too...
Music: Stage of Death ~ Orchestral Version
Wiseman Concept Art - The giant dress gives +15 to Evasion.