Part 32: Episode XXX: Fei Fong Wong and the Well Greased Guns of Vanderkaum

Episode XXX: Fei Fong Wong and the Well Greased Guns of Vanderkaum

Music: Forest of the Black Moon


"Please raise your head. My duty is to protect the young master. I'm sorry it took me so long to help you."
*shakes head* "I feel bad you had to get involved... I appreciate it. ...But I had no idea you could operate such a thing."
"It's a trick I picked up long ago... It's nothing special. I'm no expert on it. I'm actually a bit embarrassed about it."
”Yeah? Where’d you pick that up?”
“The Bledavik Butler Academy.”
“...Oh.”

Sigurd enters...


“We were the ones who took the bait. We must escape before we get caught! Head for the bridge as soon as you are through with your preparations!"
”Ugh... This has been the worst day. I wonder how Fei is holding up on his end...”

Meanwhile, across Aveh’s desert...




"Our job is to slow them down. So how do you want to do it?"




Artists, martial or otherwise, were never the best military tacticians... Welp, onward to the beginning of the Disc 1 Act 1 Finale!


"Falkon! Follow the kid! The rest of you, stay with your unit but follow me! Don't fall behind the kid! We're going in too!"

Elsewhere...


“Relay to all ships! Fire at will, begin evasive action! But, don't let fire support positions collapse!”
“Roger. Flagship to all ships... You are free to fire at will! Let's dance!
“All Rapid Fire Control Systems...commence operation!”
“Lay aerial mines. Projection pattern, mark 3!”
”Jargon yadda-1 switch to t-fin formation.”


"Comm officer! Change of orders. Contact Von Hipper... Have the second destroyer squadron approach the enemy flank. Open the fleet's side and bait them into entering the Kefeinzel's main gun's firing arc."
“Huh? It's stupid! There's no way the flagship's gun can hit speeding Gears...”
"Fire control! Gunnery chief! Ready the type 3 shells. Pull back the deck gunners and prepare to engage the Kefeinzel's main cannon... I'll annihilate them into pure energy..."


"Quiet down, Aviation Officer! Thanks for your valuable opinion but I am in charge, not you! What use are pea shooters and 40 sem guns?"
*turns to staff* “Discussion over. Captain! Not too fast! We don't want to leave the enemy behind."


So what’s the over-under on Vanderkaum surviving this chapter? I’m giving it about 20:1 odds...

Music: Steel Giant


Time to assault Vanderkaum’s fleet. There are no random battles during this segment.


Instead, we must evade several Gears maneuvering about the area, as well as laser fire from the frigates (-1 HP per hit) and aerial mines (-50 HP per hit.) It’s best not to hit get into any conflicts as we head westward, as Weltall really needs to conserve its resources for another back-to-back boss battle at the end of the segment.

Weltall successfully navigates past the first line of the fleet...


“You're not good enough to be my dog!"
“Our mobility is too different...”
”Seriously, the lead Gear just broke through our outer perimeter in 30 seconds. Our cannon takes 50 seconds to power-up and fire. This. Will. Not. Work!”
"Fire control! Gunnery Chief! It hasn't fired a shot yet! Range for Type 3 is within 500. Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes."
“Gears at battle speed can move at 2000 per hour.”
*pounds fist* "This whole ship! All of you are morons!"
”Morons and slackers!”
(You're the biggest moron!)


There is another round of speeding through the enemy’s line. The two escort ships alongside the Kefeinzel will provide fairly consistent gatling fire on Weltall. But, as long as we keep on the move it won’t be too much of a bother.

Fei breaks through the second line...


Weltall flies around in front of the flagship’s cannon to give it a fighting chance.


...And immediately dodges when it finally fires its first shot several minutes into the battle.


“You're not even close! Are you blind?"
“Destroyer Iltus' engine is down!”
“Flash signal from Luveh! 'Luveh, rudder out, rudder out, end.'”
“3 remaining allies!”
”Two of the three allies are transmitting the coded 'FUBAR' sequence and abandoning ship.”
"Idiotic! Idiotic! What is this mess...?"
*leaves the bridge* ”...Screw this. They can’t throw me in the brig for desertion if the commander gets blown up for being an utter knob.”
“Enemy Gear above! Enemy Gear diving from above!”
"Go down, dammit! Or Ramsus will have my hide."

Music: Stage of Death


Fei decides that Vanderkaum’s overcompensation antics are so laughable that he’ll just take the ship on while standing in front of the main cannon. I like the new ballsy Fei now that he’s past all his Lahan moping about.


Kefeinzel’s main gun has a 5 turn countdown before it fires on Weltall. The only attack other attack that the Gebler flagship has at this range are two pathetic little turrets that do less than 10 HP of damage a shot. All Weltall needs to do is lay into the thing with Strong attacks and Level 2 Deathblows and it’ll go down in no time flat.


If the main gun fires, it will hit Weltall for 300+ HP of damage. But, we’d have to REALLY be dicking around to let Vanderkaum finally fire the thing on us.


Oh well. The coup might have failed, but I’m sure nobody is getting any brownie points for letting the entire front line fleet get its ass handed to it by a small squad of rebel piloted Gears.


“A, admiral...”
“Forget him!!”
”Even if he did escape he’ll be demoted to Admiral of the Imperial Mess Hall after this trainwreck.”

The two soldiers flee...


"Yes... I still have that... I still have that...yes. I still have that..."

Some time later...


"Yeah...and it's all due to your support. Thanks."
"Stop the border guards? Hah...we destroyed them! Well, we've done our job! I hope the others do OK!"
"Bart and his team... He's probably okay... Any word from them?"
"Nothing. They say no news is good news I guess. My Gear doesn't have very good comm equipment. They probably did fine though."
”Yeah. Bart is probably already slapping eyepatches on statues and crap.”






"What's wrong?"
”Ah crap... My boss fight senses are tingling...”
“No way! There’s nothing left but burning wrecks.”






”Told ya so.”

Music: Knight of Fire






Time to take on Vanderkaum’s crazy ass tentacle clawed cannon crab Gear: the Dora. This thing is the reason we didn’t want to tango with any of the cannon fodder on the way through the assault. A pair of Deurods are “helping” us during this battle. But they’re about as useful as any nameless red suited ally in fiction.


This is probably the first battle where it’s pretty damn useful to slap Weltall’s Booster function on for an increase in speed since Dora hits like a giant phallic truck and it I don’t think anyone wants to repeat that entire sequence. Plus this is the final battle of the act, so we’re free to burn through as much fuel as it takes during this battle.


Dora’s primary attack is its (surprise surprise) main cannot. It dishes out 100-200 HP to everyone per shot and Vanderkaum will use it quite often.






The Admiral actually had the tactical sense to put armor shielding on its main cannon/glowing weak point. As such, the ally Gears will do 0 HP of damage and Weltall won’t even make it to the double digits until the outer armor is destroyed.


Making themselves even more useless, the Deurods will each be snatched by Dora’s grabber claws during the course of the battle. This takes them out of the battle. This wouldn’t be too bad, seeing as they couldn’t Robot Kung Fu their way out of a wet paper bag. But...


Dora can smash Fei’s Gear over the head with his allies and that bloody hurts. It’s 300+ HP of damage a pop and Dora will hit with both snatched Gears, sometimes multiple times each. This can add up quickly, hence why we’re rolling with Booster for this fight.


Eventually Vanderkaum will decide that was too effective and the Deurods will be released to resume being useless. Luckily, by that point the machine is almost out of commission and just a few more rounds of Heavy Attacks/Deathblows and it goes down for good. We get a whopping 13500 XP for taking out the final boss of the act for our efforts. Nice.

After the battle...


”Uhh...fire the...err...”
“Stop jerking off in there, needle dick, and give it up already.”
“JEFF VANDERKAUM DOES NOT HAVE A NEEDLE DICK! It is as big as your arm, you worm!”
“Yeah, maybe a worm’s arm.”
*snicker*










”Oh, not Captain POWER again...”





Music: Grahf, Emperor of Darkness


"The power..."
"Yes, the power."
”What are you...asking me if I WANT power...?”
“Yes, power!”
“Then why didn’t you just say so? What’s with the Shakespeare act?”
“So, power?”


“I want it... I want the POWER!"










And Grahf provides Vanderkaum with THE POWER in the form of a powerful plasma blast to the face. Power.


Well, I’m sure that’s nothing to worry about. Power doesn’t even sound like a real word anymore...










Aveh Sand Cruiser Concept Art


Kefeinzel Flagship Concept Art


Dora Gear Concept Art