Xenogears Part #50 - Episode XLVIII: Xenogears and the Trials of the Lazy Ass Dungeon Design

Part 50: Episode XLVIII: Xenogears and the Trials of the Lazy Ass Dungeon Design

Episode XLVIII: Xenogears and the Trials of the Lazy Ass Dungeon Design

Music: Invasion

*ponders* "We cannot make a wrong move with security this tight..."

"Hammer's our only hope... He's awfully late though."

Secret knock!

“Looks like Hammer's here."

Fei opens the door and Hammer shuffles in...

“I got the key info that should help us get outta the capital!"

<What in the hell am I looking at here...?>

"So what's the info?"

”If you give me a tutorial on entering the World Map, I’m giving you a swirly in the back toilet.”

"The empire's new super airship... 'Goliath'. This is it, bro."

”...That’s what?”

"The empire's new creation... the super airship 'Goliath'?"

"...Super airship. Is it that big?"

<...Is he a camel man or...?>

"Tsk tsk, it's beyond big! !?..."

”Err... Name?”
<Or is it a rat guy...what’s with those gla—ah crap. I think it’s talking to me...>

"...It's Elly."

"!? ... As I said, it's beyond big, Elly! The 'Goliath' is of extraordinary magnitude! It's said that the 'Goliath' can even make a Gear look like a pea. It's rumored that it can even decimate the Aveh capital, Bledavik, all by itself."

*shakes head* "By itself, annihilate Aveh!? It must be a monstrous battleship."

"According to my reliable sources, it's located north of Kislev in an underground dock at some military facility..."

*shakes head* "... The military facility... north of the capital..."

”By the mountains? Crap security? REALLY boring interior design...?”

*nods* "I know that facility. I've talked to you about it before. The Imperial facility... I infiltrated... I never knew that something like that was in the basement..."

"...Elly, do you think you still remember...how you infiltrated the base?”

*nods* "Yes, Citan. Way north, beyond the Kislev Imperial capital... beyond the 'carved out portion of the mountain peak' lies the Imperial city's military facility."

”Big set of giant steel doors. Can’t miss it. It is really less ‘hidden’ and more ‘located in an inconvenient area’, to be honest.”

"Good, let's take that...before the empire decides to launch a counter-attack against Aveh."

...So our new plan is to steal Kislev’s secret super bomber plane and fly back to Aveh? Yeah, there’s no way this is going to end poorly. But first things first.

"Elly, your face is red."

”What are you, twelve?”

"It's... n, nothing! Let's hurry up and go, Fei!!"

"Fei, that is the toilet. The exit is that way, unless...you cannot hold it?"

"........."

*busts out laughing* "I am just kidding."

”What is with you two? I gotta drop a few pounds in the back. It’s been a long night... You know what? Forget it. I’ll just use the toilet in Weltall.”
“...What are you talking about, Fei?”
“The built in crapper in Gears beneath the pilot seat.”
“I have...never heard of such a function in a Gear.”
“What are you talking about? The seat lifts up and there’s a toilet hole underneath. Like for during long range flights and junk. Right...?”
“I have never heard of that either, Fei.”
“...”
“Note to self...never flip Weltall upside-down in battle...”

The party attempts to leave...

"You've seen him?"

"Yeah, and I brought up our plan to escape from the capital... Says he can't help us though."

"...I see."

"Fei, he has his own path he must take. Now...let us go."

”Hey, I wasn’t about to give it more than two thoughts...”

"...Fei, we must hurry to Aveh..."

”Err...right? I am still rather sketchy about what all your plans are...”

"Huh? Uh yeah... I know, Elly. We have to hurry... If we go through the front gate we might have to fight the guards... Hammer, once we break through, fall in behind us."

"That's my specialty. Leave it to me, bro. And put up a good fight!"

"Doc, Elly. Let's go. Our destination is the imperial military facility up north."

Everyone turns to leave...

*blinks* "Tell... me?"

<Do not like where this is going!>

"Yes'm! It'll be real quick."

Elly and Hammer go off to the side and he whispers sweet nothings into her ear...

"... All right?"

"Uh, nothing!! Good-luck-in-breaking-through-the-front-gate, bro, and-you-too-Citan!"

Alright. If you cannot tell, we are back in A Block. The city is now under martial law thanks to Gebler’s attempted nuking of the town last night. Also, Fei is apparently a fugitive and wanted posters of him are up around town. Nobody bats an eyelash at the chick dressed in a full Gebler military uniform, though. In either case, we’ll need to “sneak out” of town.

The party wanders to the northern part of the area...

#1: "... Yeah, they say that everyone has two or three people that look exactly like them in this world... Besides, even if he was that 'wanted' guy, what chance would mere guards like us have against him? He's the ex-Battling Champ!"

#2: *looks at the guard and looks back at Fei* "Let sleeping dogs lie, huh!"

#1: "Exactly! So even if we were to see him here, then we'd just pretend that we haven't seen him, O.K.!"

Guard #3 looks over, jumps, and dashes forward hollering...

Music: Steel Giant

#1: "Are you stupid!?"

”Shucks. Those were the two smartest Stormtroopers I’ve ever seen. Shame we’re gonna have to kick the hell out of them now...”

"... So it is the only thing we can do, right?"

"Wait a second! Do you really intend to do this?"

”Yeah... Hope you don’t have any moral issues with killing assorted soldiers, military contractors, or security guards. Gonna be doing a LOT of that if you plan on hanging out with us...”
“...”

#1: "Oh no! They're serious!"

#2: "There's no way we can beat the Champion!!!"

#3: "Hahaa! You'll be our greatest achievement!"

#2: I am SO kicking your ass in the afterlife.”
#1: “Double team afterlife asskicking. Dumbass!”

Rico out of fucking nowhere murders the shit out of all three guards...

#2: "Egads...!"

#1: "D, didn't I tell you that..."

#3: "Oh, our reputation..."

Music: Invasion

<Oh GOD! What is this now?!>

"...I changed my mind. I'll leave Nortune for a while, until things calm down. You plan on seizing the new mega-battleship 'Goliath'? Well, I'll give you a hand...up to the city limits."

"...You don't want to fight together with us?"

"...Make no mistake here! I don't intend to become friends with you guys! I have something I have to do and I have to do it on my own...! When we leave the Imperial capital's precincts, you can let me out anywhere that is convenient, O.K.!"

”Uhh...whatever...? Cool, I guess.”

"Well, at least until we escape from the city area we have got a secure ally. That is good enough for us, is it not! Don't you think?"

"Well... yes... I suppose so."

<Assuming he’s staying FAR away from me...>

"We have no time to dawdle around here! We better get out of here before other guards who heard this scuffle come causing us trouble! So our destination is the 'north lands' of the outer Imperial city area, right!
Then the Kislev Imperial capital's military facilities await us! We had better make haste!"

”Wait, I thought you just said you were only staying with us to the city limits?”
“I just remembered there are no random battles within the city... That would be rather pointless.”
“...Whatever dude.”

Everyone walks off out of A Block... Just a few steps onto the city map we run across...

“You want to hear about my super muchacho information?"

"H, hey!? You're the one who stole my '5000G'. Give it back to me now."

"...Hey hey. That's just a minor thing. Being picky will only turn you into a boring adult. You gotta be...? How would you say... more open and deep like the sea. Well, setting that aside, you need to listen to my super muchacho information!"

"...You're funny. But keep it up an' you'll just piss me off."

“There was a deep deep reason, as deep as the deepest ocean, for doing what I did. As a way of making up for it, go back to that backstreet one more time and search the area... You just might find something good, for real!"

”Are you high or something? I think you’re high.”

"Hey, what's up? Huh? Me? I'm always the cool and nice guy!!"

”You’re the doc, doc. What do you think?”
“In my medical opinion, I would have to sa—“

"The wind, cloud, world... They are all calling out to me. We'll meet again. Adieu."

Big Joe fades away...

”...I have no idea.”
“Err...that was... So, am I high? Elly, you haven’t been getting back into that Drive stuff, right?”
“No... I err... Fei, are all your friends besides Dr. Uzuki umm...circus freaks?”
“You caught me at a weird point. Bart was pretty normal, I guess.”
“Who?”
“The guy I was working with before. I mean he was a one eyed sand pirate deposed prince of Aveh. But at least he wasn’t bright green or a furry. “
“Oh? What became of him?”
“A battleship was dropped on him.”
“Yup...yeah... Death by battleship dropping. Oh well, let’s go steal an airship!”
<Regretting this defection already...>

If we return to the alley where Big Joe basically mugged us, there will now be an “M Disk” out in the back? What is an M Disk, you ask?”

Well, it is a Music Disc we can slap into the juke box in the nearby bar to listen to assorted audio tracks from the game. Kind of useless nowadays when five seconds on Youtube can bring up any song you want in an instant. But it was sort of neat back in 1999. Here, have a vocal track that isn’t actually available anywhere in-game. Yes, I know about the secret video that has it on the game’s disc. No, do not link to it.

In any case, there is very little left to do in Nortune. The Battling Arena is closed for repairs. The Administrative District is on lock-down due to the raid last night. And that Hecht bomber actually did fall on the outskirts of D Block, so that district is on lock down. So, you know what that means...?

After fifteen and a half updates, we are fucking DONE with Nortune for good! Fuck YEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!

Our path to escaping Kislev takes us far to the north of the Imperial capital across a river and down a mountain range. It’s not a bad idea to update Elly’s equipment at this point, as she’s still wearing the same crap from way back 20 hours ago in the Blackmoon Forest. Though, the upcoming dungeon is a Gear oriented affair. So it’s not a bad idea to swap out Citan for Rico’s powerhouse mecha suit.

Well then, welcome to the Goliath Factory. This is...this is basically the whole thing... A long, sterile series of box corridors with no music other than the occasional sound of vague industrial equipment in the distance. I’m fairly certain this is the least inspired locale of the entire game. So we’ll be trucking through it very quickly.

A bit into the Goliath Factory we come upon Hammer in a commandeered Fix Bot. It seems Elly filled him in on how to sneak into this base and shut down security, so all the doors are open from here to the Goliath. Not bad. Hammer is also nice enough to open up a much needed Gear Shop.

There is nothing new for Weltall. But due to the mandatory semi-villain to playable character heel-face flip power-down, Vierge is currently equipped with a Frame with only a pathetic 1500 HP and could definitely use a tune-up.

Heimdal also hasn’t been tuned-up and upgraded in forever. Mostly because Citan has ducked out of every major battle in the game thus far outside the one where his Gear was introduced.

And despite Rico’s claims to be ditching us after leaving Kislev, he’s full of shit and will be a party member for the rest of the game. He’s just ditching any sort of relevance to the plot back in Kislev. So we might as well tune him up a bit too.

Anyhow. The Goliath Factory... There’s a long, open warehouse with ambushes ever few feet...

Followed by ten minutes of walking down a linear corridor with overly frequent random battles...

And then a mirrored version of that ambush warehouse...

Followed by two minutes straight of riding conveyor belts back across the entire thing. Really. Two minutes of riding conveyor belts. You get off occasionally to flip a switch and jump on a different conveyor belt. But that’s about it for the dungeon. It’s pretty bad when you’re putting out sub-Drakengard caliber dungeon design.

At the end of the blandest dungeon ever is the blandest boss ever. Meet Fis-6.

Fis-6’s attacks include ramming into our characters’ Gears and...yeah. That’s all it does.

Well, okay it “Shifts Up” to get a buff to attack, defense, and armor. However, if it does that three times during the battle it overheats and breaks down, causing Mechanics to come out and desperately try to repair it. Yeah...

Yeah... I think that’s all I have to say about this boring ass dungeon. Let’s go steal us an airship.

"Get a load of this! I can't believe they'd make such a thing..."

*walks toward the pilot’s chair* "...Shall we see if it works?"

"Doc, do you know how to operate it!?"

”I mean, I cannot see how airship flying fits into the medical school curriculum... Helicopter flying maybe. But airships are pushing it.”

"Not really... But, Fei... You were not thinking of stealing this big thing without knowing how to operate it, were you?"

“Errr...”

”I was kinda secretly hoping you or Rico or...maybe even Hammer could fly the thing...”

*starts fiddling with the controls* "Well, anyway... I think we can do this. Well then, shall we go?"

<These idiots are going to get me killed...>

Citan starts up the engines. This of course automatically opens all the dock doors to the runway and clears the flight path. No security alerts or anything either. No wonder Elly managed to steal Weltall out of this joint so easily...

"Well everyone, this could be dangerous, so please be seated. It will...shake a little."

”Hey, this seatbelt doesn’t fit around me. And I was supposed to get off around here. I want out!”
“I am afraid it is a bit late for that.”

Click here to watch cutscene.

And away we go!

Music: Wings

Well, that was probably one of the easiest JRPG Airships I have ever hijacked. But most importantly, we’re out of Kislev for good! Hells yeah! Drinks are on me tonight.

Well, good thing having a medical degree and no flight experience still allows you to wing it successfully when operating high tech secret super bombers.

Fei and Hammer run over...

"Yeah..."

”Not sure where we’re gonna land this thing and how much they’re gonna freak out when a gigantic Kislev Empire bomber comes barreling into their borders. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

"!! Fei!"

"What happened, doc......!!"

*looks up* “Err...?”