Part 70: Episode LXVII: Elhaym Van Houten and the City Beneath the Sea
Episode LXVII: Elhaym Van Houten and the City Beneath the Sea
Music: Emotions
Our next destination is clear. However, eh...I’m not feeling any sort of urgency at this point. We don’t know what’s down there. For all we know we’ll probably fuck up and accidentally open the way to some ancient buried super weapon for the bad guys or something. So, let’s take this brief down time to run a few errands.
First of all, let’s head back to Ignas. Yeah, I know we’re on the top ten public enemy lists of two out of the three countries on the continent. But nobody seems to mind too much if we dick around in the area. Getting back onto Ignas is a bit of a hassle. We need to sail ALLLLL the way over to a beach south of Dazil to make it onto the continent proper. We’ve only got one stop to make here and it shouldn’t take much time at all.
We want to trek back to Nisan to do a little bit of shopping at a store in town.
We’ve got nearly 150,000 G in the old war chest and we can afford to splurge a bit on some rather broken items. As I mentioned forever ago, the shop in Nisan sells EtherDoubler and Holy Pendant accessories. An EtherDoubler doubles the power of Ether abilities for double the Ether points spent. Rather apt name. And the Holy Pendant I already explained provides double support effect time. This shop stops selling this stuff VERY soon. As in "the dungeon after next" soon. So, let’s drop 84,000 and pick up a pair of EtherDoublers and a Holy Pendant for the road.
The Holy Pendant isn’t really going to be helpful for a while. And I’ll get back to you on the EtherDoubler in a bit.
Our second errand takes us back to Billy’s orphanage. Remember that back room obscured by a bookcase we got chewed out for nosing about in earlier? Well with Billy in the party we can now rummage and loot all we want.
Turns out this was Jessie’s store room where he kept spare rifles, ammo, assorted weapons and armor and other manly stuff.
Billy somehow gets sentimental about looking around in the room, despite the fact we caught him beating off back there or something earlier.
In any case, we can grab a pair of Jesiah’s old guns to equip on Billy. Why Billy didn’t take superior weapons into the battle in the first place? Clearly the answer is a hardly “Fuck YOU Dad!”
Oh well, that’s enough for today. Let’s get to that Ethos Dig Site to stop Stone from doing something or other. Shut off any music you’ve got playing. All we get for this dungeon is the distant sound of metal clanging for half the dungeon.
“—what is Solaris trying to do?”
“The main Solaris army...why...all this... Well let us get down.” ”That...didn’t really answer my question.”
“I think that is Dr. Uzuki talk for ‘hell if I know’.” “Ah.”
The party rides the funicular waaaaaaay down to a cavern opening and find...
Gebler Troopers. Like much of Gebler, excluding Elly (usually), they’re terrible. They fire pea shooters, toss fire cracker grenades, and go down in a single Fierce attack from Citan. But, they always come in parties of four and nearly always get the initiative in battle. Jerks.
Meanwhile...under the sea!
Grahf is just sort of...chilling out on the ocean floor. I guess he’s still feeling rather embarrassed about that whole falling off the wing of a plane and then getting blown up by a rodent man thereafter.
“Soon, he himself will awaken also."
“You know what's there better than I do. He probably won't give anyone anything. But it's something we both need. You know what I mean?"
”Not remotely...” "...so, please." 
Welp, I guess Grahf has nothing better to do than run an incredibly vague errand for some incredibly vague reason at some incredibly vague location. As such, he zooms off to do...whatever the hell.
Meanwhile...
”I am Dr. Kim, and I am here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to a clearly explained backstory?”
“’No,’ says the man in Bledavik, ‘it should be needlessly convoluted.’”
“’No,’ says the man in Nisan, ‘just have faith in the world of God.’”
“’No,’ says the man in Nortune, ‘just rot in the same location for 5 hours and follow the bread crumbs.’” “I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...”
“Zeboim.”
“I’ve heard of it but...”Elly spaces out and walks on ahead...
“When we were buried in that vast mausoleum.” "Elly! Elly! What is wrong!!” *shakes head* "Huh? ... What? ...Did I just..." "No... Hurry on ahead." ”Is this...normal?” “It is difficult to say. Fei usually gets these sorts of scenes.” “I...see...”
So, down we descend into the Ethos Dig Site. See that impressive looking dead city back there? Looked neat huh? Well guess what? We’re not seeing any of that!
Copy and paste these three hallway templates for each floor. Add an elevator or staircase at the end. Repeat for four stories! Remember to add a high random battle rate. Oh, and don’t forget the doors that don’t actually open unless they’re at the end of a hallway. Cannot forget that! Yeah, this is one of the boringest dungeons yet and that is saying something.
Along the way we battle more Gebler troopers alongside Hammerhead...bird...mutant things that do silly dances and shit out explosives...
...Angry kung fu lizards...
...and undead dreadlock sporting mutants. Being undead, they get healed from physical and offensive magic but die from any healing spells. Very interesting.
Skipping ahead...
"Elly... Do you remember seeing this?" "Y, yes...... I wonder why...? It's terribly lonely...and familiar." ”Could it be due to the fact we’ve seen this approximate room five times over now?” “...Yeah. That’s probably it.”
If we mess with any control panels in the area we’ll get a warning saying some sort of reactor is being isolated and the laboratory databases access is denied. So we’re in another Umbrella Lab. There had better be some freaky BOW at the end of this to make up for how bland a layout this area has. Or a 4000 year old Albert Wesker. I’ll take that too.
Slogging along...
”I remember this tedium...” "...Labyrinths are not usually built to protect against enemies... They are usually made to seal up something inside of them." "Not to keep something out, but to keep something in... I wonder what that something is?" ”Probably another boss fight. Or two...” “Do you mysteriously remember that as well?” “Nah. Just a hunch.”Over and over and over and eventually we come to a door with a message on it....
“The emergency button inside the reactor was activated 34999999 hours ago. From this point there is danger of nano contamination. When entering the room, please execute a manual scan and confirm safety. After confirming, please reset the emergency level at the nearest terminal. Execute manual scan?” “Execute.” “Please wait. ..................” “Scan complete. Confirmed, no nano contamination. You can reenter the room by resetting the emergency level at the nearest terminal.”
This means we need to backtrack a minute (and two or three random battles) back to some random console and then backtrack again to the door to proceed.
The party finally reaches the bottom of the complex...
“This floor is completely active.” ”How do you not know just this machine is active?” “Just a hunch.”
At the bottom of the complex we are greeted with a final two doors. The door to the right leads to...
...A deactivated console requiring a password. Terrific. Let’s try the left door.
Fantastic! I hadn’t seen this red colored hallway in at least two minutes!
Elly wanders to the end of the hallway and looks down at a dried up pool of blood...
Music: June Mermaid (You should probably listen to this.)
“There was no pain. Just...coldness and sadness..." "Elly!" "She has been here all by herself for all this time..." ”I should have just stayed at the orphanage...”Elly shakes her head and walks back into the previous hall...
“It certainly is covered in blood... And this...scorching heat... No, maybe it is radiation? Perhaps it is an emergency disinfection system... These marks are evidence that it has been used..."A door slams in the distance...
“Elly!" ”You...go check it out. I am getting slightly creeped out here...”Meanwhile, Elly is fiddling with that password locked control panel...
"Citan... Who... am I...? What am I doing? What am I saying...?"
”Umm...guys. Did one of you press something. There is err...a thing...going on in here... I am deeply regretting this journey...”
The room lights up and churns to life as out pops an...oh boy! A bio-organic weapon container tube! I’d know ‘em anywhere.
The stasis container’s contents starts flickering into a humanoid form. Hmm...well looking at it closely it seems to be taking the shape of a...a...
...a Troll Doll. A Troll Doll? That boring ass dungeon was all to stop Solaris from getting a friggin’ life sized TROLL DOLL?!?! ARGH!!!
”...” “Is it okay if I just head back to the Yggdrasil?” “Ditto.” “Hold. We should investigate this first.”
“Tch. Fine...”The party enters the lab and examines the naked girl in the tube...
“How did she suddenly change into human form...?" ”Science!” “Is there a more detailed explanation. Or is this just another way to say that you don’t know?” *adjusts glasses* "This girl appears to be an artificial life form created inside the reactor. She was probably assembled in the reactor by using that series in the database in the control room... Her body is most likely..."
"...Constructed from autonomic machines on a molecular scale... In other words, a colony of nanomachines."Music: Jaws of Ice
Bishop Stone and his cronies shuffle into the room...
“That is the existence, or key -factor-, which god will guide us by to free humanity from its yoke. So, if you don't mind..."The Etones rolling with Stone go mess with the control panels to release the nanomachine girl. Somewhere out there Hideo Kojima just popped a boner...
"Ah, Brother Billy. You're here too. This makes matters simple. I know you'll understand... This nanomachine colony needs to be in the hands of an honorable person. It's destined to be the 'salvation of humanity'." "An honorable person? I certainly do not think you are honorable anymore. Eliminating the 'Ethos' and any surface-dwelling humans who don't agree with your own will..." "What is the problem with eliminating those people not fit for 'salvation'? Why, isn't our very faith based on the precept that 'only the chosen will be saved'?" "...There is something very wrong with that. Salvation by faith is something that everyone should have an equal opportunity at attaining." ”Obviously someone has forgotten 3:19 of the Ethos scripture ‘...and then the LORD did sayeth: fuck thee, got mine.’”
“If Krelian uses the nanomachine colony, at least we can save some chosen people. But you don't understand how to utilize this. You can't save anyone. Are you willing to take the responsibility for the loss you will cause humankind?" ”I don’t have any idea who this ‘Krelian’ is and you have mentioned every inane thing other than what your actual intentions are...” "My job now is to bring this nanomachine colony back to Krelian. You see, unlike the 'Ethos', our aim is not the ancient weapons that lay in the city ruins. I don't think we conflict with your interests." "No! We can't allow them to take this child!" "Salvation or not... What are you planning on doing with this girl!? I just know your deeds are not honorable. Bishop... I am sorry to say this but... I cannot be a part of what you are intent on doing." ”Frankly, at this point I am highly suspicious of anyone remotely affiliated with the Ethos and small children...” "I see that I couldn't make you understand... Then it cannot be helped... I don't have the time to convince you further. Please excuse me, as I must hurry on ahead." "Wait right there!!"
The party proceeds to suffer SEVERE cutscene retardation as the Etones quietly lead the naked little nanomachine girl past them with absolutely no effort on their part to stop them. Seriously, we killed an entire Gebler platoon on the way down here. But three priests and one squinty eyed smug bishop is far beyond our ability to just murder the shit out of and be done with it?
Music: Knight of Fire
"Sorry to have kept you two ladies waiting... It's time for you to do your job, Elements."
“...Hmph!” "Tolone! Seraphita! Buy me as much time as possible!"Stone wanders off with his entourage as the two new
”...” “...” “...” “...” “...Do I know you from somewhere?”
*shakes head quickly* "Hey, Tolone. Let's hurry up and get this over with so we can get outta here! I don't like dark places!" "Yeah, right. It's only because it is on Ramsus' orders Jeez...! Now he's got us protecting this garbage." *turns to party* “Well, that's how it is folks... It'll help us if you'd hurry up and lose." "Who in heavens are you!? We don't have time to waste talking to you!" "Well, excu~se us! But we can't let you go just yet... We really don't care much for Krelian, but if we do a crappy job it'll make Ramsus look bad. But, thanks to you fools reviving her, we can get this mission over with sooner than we thought." "Yeah, we didn't know how to operate that machinery, so we were so confused! Thank you very much for your kind help!" *turns heads toward Elly slowly and glares*Tolone sighs and turns back toward Seraphita to bicker some more. If we had Jessie in the party instead of Billy, I’m pretty sure he would have just shot both of them in the head by now and we’d be half way up out of this dungeon at this point...
“Just as I was building things up to make us sound psychologically superior to them! Damn..." "What! ... But... When people do you a kindness you should always say thank you. That's what grandma always said... But, I'm impressed, Tolone! 'Psychologically superior'? Your 'Gin n'tonic Futon Brain' cyborg implants sure make you smart!" "That's 'Positronic-photon Brain', you idiot! 'Gin n'tonic Futon'...? You make me sound like I'm a sleepy drunk! (It's already bad enough as it is... 'Positronic-photon Brain Cyborg'... That's bound to get us into trouble with the makers of 'Star Trech'!)"
“They look harmless but they're really dangerous." "Then, even their conversation was planned..." "No, that's how they are normally! That's what makes them REALLY dangerous!!" ”May I start shooting people now...?”
Alright, time for our first on-foot battle against the Elements. Or at least the bunny girl and robot-gal half of ‘em. A cyborg, a bunny, an elf, and a blind girl... Did Ramsus go to an anime trope outlet to pick up this team? Oh well, let’s just get this over with. Despite what Elly says, they aren’t remotely dangerous.
Seraphita has access to both of Elly’s Fire Ether spells (and absorbs Fire damage.)
While Tolone has both of Ms. Van Houten’s Wind spells (guess which element she absorbs.) Tolone is by far more dangerous, as her Wind attack hits the whole party for decent damage while Seraphita’s is only a single at a time affair.
The two also come with a few unique attacks. Seraphita can do a cutesy dance which somehow steals 13 EP from a single character. Which is more annoying than anything.
Meanwhile, Tolone has a Wind Buster beam that hits quite heavily against a single target.
She also has a ridiculous dive-bombing technique where she plows head first into the ground for physical damage against a single opponent. Yeah... I’ve had about enough of these two. So here’s what we do.
While Billy is pretty much a dedicated White Mage as far as magic goes, Citan has a whole inventory of defensive buffs against every element. He also has Renki, which causes his next Ether ability to target everyone. So what we do at the start of the battle is have Citan cast Renki followed by Chiseii (blocks Wind element magic.) Tolone can now do 1 HP of damage with all her abilities except that silly ass divebomb.
With half the enemy completely neutered, we’re free to beat the shit out of her cohort as he only has 2000 HP vs. Tolone’s 2500. It is a very, very one-sided battle from here on out...
*walks off* “We've done the job that was required of us. Let's pull out!!" "A~hh! Tolone! Wait for me!" ”That was...” “...Dumb?” “I was trying to think of something more tactful. But yes. Dumb.” “I went to college with the pink-haired one. Those were...unpleasant times...”
You know what’s the best part of this dungeon? You know how it was one linear copy-and-pasted ad nauseum series of hallways the entire way here? Well guess what? We now get to backtrack through the entire thing again!
Music: June Mermaid (You should probably listen to this.)
Seraphita Portrait – I believe we have hit peak anime character design. We can get no more anime at this point. No more!
Tolone Portrait - Fem-Billy Bot 3000 reporting for duty