Part 92: Episode LXXXIX: Citan Uzuki’s Big Retarded Plan

Episode LXXXIX: Citan Uzuki’s Big Retarded Plan


This is such a stupid plan. Especially since due to Citan having pulled it out of his ass, it’s almost definitely going to somehow work.

Music: Aveh, the Ancient Dance


But, while we’re in the area, let’s take a quick pit stop in Bledavik to see how people are doing now that Shakhan has been booted out of power.


I knew these yokels didn’t know what the hell a republic is...


Remember those kids we loaned 1000G to forever ago? Well, they’ve used their funds to open up a butcher stall out in the market area. They’re selling all types of Hob-meat for 70G (60G if you haggle them down.) Hob-Steak is a 500 HP heal outside of battle, so that’s not a bad deal at all.


They’ll also pay us back 100G every time we visit. Not that it is remotely worth it to farm 100G here unless you’re absolutely insane. Besides, it’s far more lucrative to buy Hob-Steaks here and sell them in Nortune for 450G.


If we head back to the area we met these two brats, we’ll get a cute little extra scene.


“If you don't like it, come and get her."
"...Help me Bartholomew!"
"You coward! Stealing Aveh wasn't enough for you, Margie too?"
"What's that, pirate!? I made this country what it is. You just wandered around the desert! You louse!"
"What the...? You bald geezer! Take this! Pirate kick!"

’Bartholomew’ kicks the shit out of ‘Shakhan’...

"Whoa, you got me. You brat."
*calls to a kid behind him* “Ramsus!"
"Ramsus is here! Fight me Bartholomew!"

’Ramsus’ kicks the shit out of the prince...

"Whoa, this guy is strong. This is gonna be tough!"
“The 'Dragon Slaying Slacker' is here! Ramsus, Shakhan, watch out!”
”Aww yeah!”
“What are you getting so excited about?”
“The ‘Dragon Slaying Slacker’. That’s totally me!”
“...”
“...Why are they calling ‘you’ that?”
“Hey, I totally kicked the crap out of that dinosaur thing that almost ate you. That's close enough to a dragon. And I’m not big on activities beyond fighting stuff. It was my name for the fight tournament I entered here.”
“...Naturally.”

The Dragon Slaying Slacker drops from the roof...


"Hmph, infidels! I'll kill you yet!"

The kids fight for a while...

“You're no fun!”
“What?”
“Playing Margie is no fun!”
“Well? You lost at paper, rock, scissors.”
“No! I wanna play the good part.”
“Stop complaining. I don't wanna play the bald coot's part.”
*notices Fei* “It’s the Dragon Slaying Slacker! Can I have your autograph!?”


”Yeah. I’m kind of a big deal.”
“Very impressive. Can we go now... Solaris? Cannon shooting and mirrors? Kind of important...”
*flexes* “Yeah, just a minute.”


”Pfft. Put it this way. Prince Bartholomew is MY sidekick!”
“Woooooow!”
“And I don’t even call him ‘Prince’ anything. I just call him Bart.
“We’re leaving now...”
“Yeah yeah. Now you kids remember to practice your kung fu and fight any giant thunder lizards you come across or else you’ll never grow up to be as big and awesome as the Dragon Slaying Slacker!”
“Did you just tell small children to go pick fights with dinosaurs?”
“Yup.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...Should I have not told them that? Where would you be if I didn’t pick fights with dinosaurs?”
“I am never going to live that one down...”


One last stop before we go. Remember that hotel room with the nun from Nisan. Well....


“Oh, I think I’m going to faint. How rude you are! What a dangerous town. Get out, now!”


”Can’t. Busy bouncing on your bed.””


“Get out of here this instant!”
“Can’t. Busy bouncing on your head! 500 points!”


Heh. Well, that was fun. The Fei douchebaggery quota has been suffering quite a bit lately. Anyway, with our side trek to the Aveh capital completed, we’re free to fly off to Babel Tower to begin this silly operation. Citan, Fei, and Elly are the required party for this segment  though Citan is sitting on his ass doing cutscene stuff, so he doesn’t matter  so it’s best to have them up to snuff. It’s also a rather decent idea to equip Vierge with a Flare Rod. There was one lurking about Babel Tower the first time we visited. But otherwise, they’re sold in Shevat’s Gear Shop. It will make life a lot easier coming up.


Thankfully, we do not have to re-climb Babel Tower. The Yggdrasil just dumps us off on the platform we fought Ramsus on last time we were here.

Vierge, Weltall, and Heimdal all shuffle out of the Yggdrasil...


"Look up."


“The Ft. Jasper beam will be reflected off that and destroy the gate. Let us hurry to the control room while our pursuers are still gone."
”Billy has to hit that thing from half way across the planet...?”
“We’re going to die, aren’t we?”
“...Nah. He’ll probably just miss us completely. Probably...”


The trio enters the tower. Meanwhile...




Remember how that last cutscene forced Chuthulhu into our party for god knows what reason?


Yeah, you can take that suggestion and cram it up your ass, game. Back you go in the same broom closet we keep Rico.

Music: Omen


"Is it going to be okay, doc...?"
*walks away* "We must do it. I am counting on you."
”That...didn’t really answer my question...”
“We’re going to die.”
“...Kinda feeling that now too. Yeah.”
"Alright! Let's do our part."
”Which was...?”
“Probably a boss rush. C’mon. Let’s get back to our Gears.”


Citan proceeds to activate the station while typing upside-down and standing on the monitors. He’s just that good.


“We are ready here. Commence firing."

Meanwhile, upstairs... – Music: Knight of Fire


”Sheesh. That was quick!”
“Wait, do you suppose they figured out our plan?"
"Of course. The ancient mobile gun platform floating above Ignas... And this reflector, here, at Babel Tower... I know of your plan to use them together to destroy the Gate generator below the 'Ethos' headquarters. But, of course, I won't let you do it."
”Man, folks from Solaris come up with some convoluted plans if you all were able to reach the same crazy conclusion as Citan. Err...no offense, Elly.”
“None taken.”
"For the Commander's honor and the pride of the Elements, you need to be more flexible."
"Here I come!"


Alright, time to take on Bladegash and Haishao Marinebasher. Haishao was clearly pink and could not fly. This pair isn’t too hard at all. Especially if Vierge has that Flare Rod (added Fire effect to attacks) equipped.




Bladegash is identical to the last time we fought it. It still does the gimmicky elemental sword attacks that can be neutralized by Elly casting Ether skills opposite of what Dominia casts. It’s definitely the lesser of the two and can safely be ignored in favor of attacking Kelvena’s Gear.


Marinebasher has a nasty tidal wave summoning attack that hits the entire party for 3000+ HP of damage each time. So, we definitely want to get rid of her ASAP.


The Elements have, get this, Elemental strengths and weaknesses. Dominia is Earth, though that is rather hard to detect given her pink Gear, red uniform, and white hair. Kelvena is a much simpler to detect Water type. So, that Flare Rod we equipped on Vierge does 1200+ HP of damage for Elly’s Strong attacks. Pretty much two X attacks and a Level 2 Deathblow along with whatever assistance Weltall can provide and Marinebasher is out of the game.


Then it’s just a simple matter of ganging up on Bladegash and whacking it until it goes away. That was simple. Let’s see how Billy and Team Gun are doing.


Huh. It seems the writers remembered Gears can fly again.

Billy, Bart, and Maria enter Ft. Jasper...


”Neat. Where’s that cannon button?”
“Fei instructed for me to shoot you in the leg if you come within five feet of any controls regarding the cannon.”
“Wha? Fei wouldn’t say that. Hey, there’s the bu—“
*brandishes revolver and points at Bart’s leg*
“Geez! Calm down! I was just gonna...show you where to sit! Take it easy!”
“Indeed.”




While Bart was able to flip a few switches and mash some buttons to immediately fire the giant fuck-off cannon, now that Billy is at the helm it is suddenly a long, involving process. Granted, he does have to hit a tiny spot a mile and a half up a tower across the planet...


“Radar response! From the size they’re...probably Gears.”
”What? No! How’d they find this place already?!”
“It is a mile wide metallic disc hovering in the air next to a giant hole in the ground. It’s not exactly the most inconspicuous location around.”
“Says the squirt from the giant neon orange UFO in the sky. Tch. Whatever. Let’s rumble.”


“Pterodactyl!”


“Saber-tooth tiger!”


"Alright already. So you were serious!? You're really gonna reflect a big laser off a mirror... Pretty stupid."
"Inverted pull-ups are really tough!!! But, I can do 300 pull-ups you know."
”That didn’t even remotely make sense. Shut up. Lemme see what they’re doing.”
"Angling it....for the drop ratio? Drop ratio in the atmosphere will be huge."


"Argh! We're so close to launching!"
"I'm goin' out to return fire! Billy, you gonna be OK?"
"I have to do it!"
"Try to get a shot off while we hold them back! Good luck!"
”Try not to kill everyone on Team Mirror. Unless it’s just Citan. Citan can get vaporized for all I care.”
"Let me handle it!"

Andvari and Seibzehn climb onto the roof...


"Who'd have thought?"
"Hey! Never know until you try."
"Keep talking while you can. Dominia and Kelvena should have taken over Babel Tower by now. You get outta here now!"
"...Good!!"
“...’kay. Good to you too!”


It would appear Dominia was the only Element issued a normal Gear. The rest have apparently been issued spare parts of a K-Mart brand Voltron for their Gears. That said, let’s get down to business.




Seraphita’s Gear, Grandgrowl, is a Fire type Pokémon. It’s only real noteworthy attack is burping up a fire ring and pouncing Seibzehn or Andvari for a couple thousand damage. It can also heal itself. Both facts make this the low priority for taking out first.


Skyghene is a Wind type enemy. This information doesn’t help us in the least during this battle. But she can summon tornados. So there’s that. Tolone is once more far more dangerous than Seraphita. But not do to her sad little tornado strike.


Skyghene rips off Achtzehn’s “fly in circles and strike the party three times” attack. It can do nearly 4000 HP of damage if it decides to strike a single target with all three blows. Which isn’t a huge dent given our two Gears’ mountains of HP. But, it can add up quickly if Tolone is left alone too long. And we don’t really want to spend ourselves just yet in this battle.


There’s no real strategy here other than ganging up on a single enemy and wailing it with Deathblows. Like Dominia, Kelvena, and the Gebler Goobers before them, our heroes don’t bother just killing the mid-bosses and instead let them fly to safety after the battle. This is going to come to bite us in the ass quite soon.

After the battle...






And so operation Curve the Bullet Laser is a go!






The laser blast circles the planet, no doubt scaring the shit out of countless villagers and wildlife in the process. You know somewhere out there, a poor old man is up on a ladder cleaning out a gutter so his wife will stop bitching and this crazy plasma shot goes flying overhead, causes him to lose his footing, and he breaks his neck. I hope you’re happy, heroes!


Despite all odds, the Ft. Jasper cannon shot makes it across the globe and right into Babel Tower airspace...


...Where it misses the (now invisible) mirror by a literal miles. Goddammit, Billy! Do you want to go in the Chuthulhu/Rico Broom Closet!? Is that what you want, William?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!?!










Marinebasher Concept Art