Part 13: Adventures of the Useless Dragon

Chapter 12: Adventures of the Useless Dragon

What...what the hell...where am I? I don't feel so good. I feel like I'm not even in my body. But, how? What the hell is going on? If I'm not in my body, where am I?



Oh, right, I sent Griff through the time tunnel. But what am I doing here? And why do I feel so weird? It's as if I'm riding along in someone else's body. Oh no, you're kidding me. Am I inside the mind of Griff?



Yeah, I definitely feel his presence. I wonder if he feels mine. Let's try something out. Move towards the door!





Holy shit. It worked. I guess he can hear my thoughts, or at least my thoughts that come across as commands. Kind of creepy. Hmmm, let's try this again. You're a pretty big dragon, so tear the boards off the door!



Well that didn't seem to work all that well.

Oh, sorry pal. I can fly, I can complain, I can breathe fire...okay, maybe I can't breathe fire, but I sure as Hades can't pull these boards off either.

Wonderful. Alright, let's explore around then. Move to the side of the house.





Well, there's the time tunnel, but I don't want to be going back through just yet. The scroll down at the base of the house looks interesting though. Look at scroll.





Hey! The spell fairy left us another present!

Yes, yes, it's a very special present, so let's pick it up. Grab spell.





Well, it does indeed look like a spell. Too bad you don't have a spell book. And I certainly don't want the spell being put in the totem with you when you jump back out of the time tunnel. For that matter, I hope I don't end up in the totem too. That's a bad thought that just occurred to me. Oh well, no sense worrying about that now. But I have a feeling the spell definitely won't make it through, so we'll have to find another way to get it back to the rest of my stuff. Mainly back to the spell book.

Go back to the front of the house.





Good dragon. Now I see a mailbox in front of me. Let's check it out. Look at mailbox.





Open mailbox.

Uh, with all due respect, I'm afraid that, uh, my hyper-neurotic tendencies sort of mandate a strict adherence to, uh, state and federal law.

I don't really care. Don't make me yell inside your mind. Open mailbox!





Thank you. Now, grab the letter.





Hades. It had to be going to Hades. Well, fine. At least it's outgoing and open (for some reason). So I guess the best way to get the spell to me is to mail it to Hades, and since this is in the past, it should be in Hades in the present. I'll just have to swing by Hades and pick it up. Which is not exactly a place I want to go, but spells are fun, so I'm willing to put up with a lot for them.

Insert spell into letter.





Good, now put the letter back in the mailbox.





Close the lid. (I really hate having to micromanage a dragon)





One more thing, we do want the nice mailman to know there's a letter, right? Flip up the flag on the mailbox.

Oops, almost forgot.
(Editor's note: Like an idiot, I forgot to mail the letter in the video for this chapter that's at the end. But seeing as how it's the only thing missing from the video I'm not going to re-record for something so small. Just though you guys should know in case you noticed it in the video.)





Alright, now that that's done, let's explore a bit more. Go towards the cave.









Hmmm, that torch on the right keeps flickering on and off. Strange. Oh well, let's grab the one that's staying on.



Don't touch me! I don't need a..uh...uh, whatever you are dragging me around in your clammy, uh, paws, or claws, or, uh, what kind of thing are you, anyway?

I am The Great Dragon of the Empire! Be...beware the flames of my wrath!

Ah, blow it out your tail!

Alright fine then, you bitchy torch. Let's grab the other one. It should at least be on some of the time.



Where are you taking me? What will we be doing? Does it involve extreme darkness, explicit danger, or untamed underground animal life?

Oh, geez. Uh, I really hope not.

You big babies. Grab that torch!



Sorry, I'm wedged in here too tightly.

I understand.

What, you do not understand. Grab the torch! Hey, where are you going?



No, dammit, I'm not done here yet.



Why aren't you listening to me anymore?! Stop!



Now hang on a minute, we're not even sure this will work going back through. I mean, sure, I didn't know what would happen to you either when I sent you through in the first place, but still, let's not be hasty here.



Oh hell, here we go.





Whew, I'm back in my body. That little bitch of a dragon is on my shit list now, but at least I'm alive. Alright, I think it's finally time to head deeper into Hades, so let's get going.





Okay, deep breathes everybody, we're going in.



Can ya hear it? Thousands of voices lamenting some hideous fate. Or maybe it's just me.

Suck it up.



A new teleportation station, which gives us this option.





This is the door we just came through.



And then there's this phone. Well, I don't see anything else to do here, since I have a feeling swimming in a river in Hades is going to turn out poorly, so let's try the phone. Maybe they can tell me where the mail pickup is.



Do-do-do-do-Do! It's a direct line to the Commissioner!





Thank you for calling the Hades shuttle service courtesy phone. Since the dawn of time, your choice for crossing over into the afterlife. To skip a message at any time, press 4. This service has recently undergone a retrofitting to ensure full ease of abuse, customer dissatisfaction, and user unfriendliness while inefficiently bringing you, the recently deceased, to your final destination.

What I won't do for a new spell.

Before crossing, you'll need to answer a few simple questions using the touch tone pad.

Wonderful.

Press 1 for the list of questions. To press 3, please press 7.

...What? Oh dammit, can't one thing in this place make sense? Well, let's press 1.

I did not hear your entry.

Screw you. I'll press 5, I guess.

I hope you enjoyed yourself.

They hung up? Doing this again.



Thank you for calling the Hades shuttle...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm pressing 2.



The answers are as follows: Press 1 for "Yes". Press 3 for "Rather Stinky". Press 6 for "No". Press 9 for "A Great Deal of Cheese".

Awesome, let's try 8, I guess.



Are you currently living?

Well, they probably want only dead people, so I'll say no, but I don't believe this thing that 6 is the right way to say no, so let's press 2, being right after 1, which may mean yes.

Did your period of demise occur within the last ten days?

Oh what the hell, let's say 8 again.

What did the people of Thriff use to thwart starvation during the three month period in which their shape shifting village was trapped beneath the Milk Sea.

That's it, I've had enough of this. Kendall? Please smoke this thing.





Press the star key for, "What is all this? I just want to call the damn shuttle. Is that so much to ask?"

See, I knew you could be reasonable.


Click here to see video of a whole lot more options on the phone, include the way you're "supposed" to beat this phone.

You have correctly answered all the questions! Congratulations. A shuttle will be along shortly to transport you to Hades, where you will languidly spend the rest of eternity. Have a Hell of a day.

I'm starting to wonder if this is a good idea. Oh well, too late to turn back now, that spell should be in there somewhere.





Uh oh, here he comes.













Charon, the oarsman of the River Styx. Phew-hew. I don't know how he manages to generate a stink, but he most certainly does.

Kill it!





Hmmm, well that's rather groovy of you. And I must say, your music is kind of cool too, in a rather 70's porn kind of way. Well, let's see, if I remember my mythology lessons correctly, he probably want 2 coins for passage. So let's give him one first.





Yup, looks like I was right. Let's give him the second one then.





Looks like he wants us to get in. Here goes nothing.















You sword's blowing glue! Let me try that again. You're sword's glowing blue!

Damn, not again.



I'm assuming it has to do with this scaring looking dude.



Who seems to be guarding this gate. Let's try and charm our way through.



Let's cut the crap, okay? You got this far, you know the drill. You're the adventurer, I'm your basic...



We're your basic two-headed guardian of Hades type creature. You're looking for treasure, Mana, crystals, red pages, blue pages, whatever.

It's all the same, really.

The point is, you want to get by...

They always do...

And we gotta kill you!

We always do!



There's a little banter, a little slaying, chop chop chop, yadayadayada, and then I gotta string your entrails all over the place and make a big mess!

Do us both a favor, beat it! That is, before we change our minds.



I've got to say, these guys seem to have me figured out. And they seem surprisingly self-aware. Of, you know, something. Now, how the hell do I get past them?

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For anyone who wants to see how all this looks in motion:
Video of everything we did this update.

Join us next time as we match wits with a monster that has two brains!