Part 8: The Underground Underground

Chapter 7: The Underground Underground



Okay, so, let's try this teleportation station to head back to the Crossroads.



Wow. I've got to say, out of everything I've done so far, that was actually the least painful. I just kind of appeared here.

Looks like a turnstile is up ahead, let's check it out.



Hmm, a token, a slot. But how to put it all together without my "Inset Token Into Slot Spell"?

Yeah, um, okay, I guess I didn't really need to examine this one to closely. Let's insert the token and head in.



I was just about to suggest that.







We've head down an escalator into what appears to be a subway station.



The Underground Underground. It's a subway! It's a political movement! It's a subway and a political movement!





Taking a closer look at this advertisement on the pillar...



Looks like it's for some scratch off lottery game. Lot's of money, or eternal damnation. Well, money would be nice, I must say.



I guess we might as well get on the subway train and see where it takes us.





Okay, here it comes.



And there it goes. Hmmm, clearly I'm missing something.



Oh, a subway map. Maybe it says how to get on, let's check it out.



Okay, now you want to take the red line east to the yellow line, then switch off to the, uh...I have no idea.

That's, um, not very helpful. This could take a while. Why don't they make these things simpler so I could...hang on, don't I have a spell for this?



I certainly do. Kendall, my simplify instructions spell.



Let's try this sucker out.









That's more like it. Now unless I'm mistaken, all you have to do is pick the place you want to go to, wait at the edge of the platform, and assume crash position.

Sounds like fun. Now, where to go. We've got a Monastery, a Flood Control Dam, and Hades. Hmmm, one of the things sounds much more interesting than the other two.







Let's take the Underground Underground to the Underworld.





I guess I should warn you. The thing about the Underground Underground is, um, that there were a few cutbacks, and then a few more, and then, well...



they never got around to installing the brakes!



Oh hell.



That really fucking hurt. I guess now we just ride until we get to Hades.







It's getting hotter, so we're probably getting close. I wonder how you get off this thing.







Whew! That really clears the sinuses.

Ow, yeah, I should have seen that coming.



Well, here we are. Let's have a look around.





Hey, Slim. What ya reading?

Good question, whatever it was it seems to have caught his attention for a little too long.

"How to Hypnotize Yourself." Guess it worked.



What a strange book. Although apparently you can hypnotize with a hammer, which I've got to say I did not know. You could also hit yourself over the head with it, I'd imagine.

Let's look at the other book that's sitting open next to him.



Hey, that talks about the Coconut! Being in the mouth of some beast. Or an island? I don't understand, and it's not very helpful, but it's more than I knew before. Which is practically nothing.

The skeleton looks like he's got something in his other hand. Let's take it.







Hey, it's that scratch off lottery ticket I read about earlier! Seems pretty simple, we just have to scratch a path to the middle where the money is. I think we should give this a shot.

Watch out, Old Scratch plays for high stakes. 500 Zorkmids against eternal damnation. What I'm trying to say is maybe you oughta save.

What is this save you speak of?

Let's try it.



Aw damn.



Aw damn.



Uh oh.





What is this save you speak of?



Let's try it.



Woohoo!



Cha-ching! 500 Zorkmids!

Great, now all I have to do is find somewhere that will change out a 500 Zorkmid bill.

Now, the only other way to go in here is down here.



And, um, I'm really thirsty. I mean, it's not that I'm scared or anything. Not at all. No, you see, I'm just thirsty. Yeah, and I doubt they have drinks down there. So, um, I'm going to get out of here until I can get something to drink. It's too hot here anyway. Yeah.

Not a word.



Let's try going to the dam. Those are usually tourist spots, might have something to drink there.





Oh hell here we go again.





Nothing left to do now but wait until I get to the dam.




Click here to see video that shows how Jack is doing.

Totemization? Good. Now, if you'll just be a lamb and sign this confession, it's a formality, really. "You willingly agree to be totally bound and totemized and so forth, blah blah blah. You Violated the laws and and/or pointed suggestions of the Inquisition, etc, etc, etc."



No problem. Of course.



Oh! Look, wait. There's a mistake on line 17C.



Be a lamb, just sign on the line.



No no no, really, look. Here, where it's supposed to say, "Stand in line for 3 hours and then get totemized," it says, "Pop the inspector one."





*punches inspector in the face*





Oh, um, sorry.



*knees Jack in the groin*





I'll sign for you.



Pink copy's yours! Have a nice day.





It's quiet times like these that I wonder what happened to Jack. Oh well, I'm sure he'll turn out fine in the end.

Oh, coming up to my stop.





Ah. I'm remembering why I've always preferred teleporting.

Yeah, I agree. Not sure I'll ever get used to that.

This is the stop for the famed Flood Control Dam #3. I believe it was quite the tourist attraction in times far distant.

Well, let's have a look around.



I don't know what this thing is.



Ah, it's one of those things that takes a coin and turns it into something else. I'll have to come back here once I have coins, and not just a 500 Zorkmid bill.



Now this looks more interesting. Let's take a look at the book here first.





Sweet! A new spell!



Golgatem creates a bride over a body of water. These spells are getting slightly more useful. Potentially that is, seeing as how I haven't come across any bodies of water yet I would need to get over.





You know, I'm sure this book says something very interesting about the dam and all, but I'm getting bored of reading. Let's go back to my tried and true method of just pushing buttons and hoping for the best.



There it is. One of the crowning achievements of Lord Dimwit Flathead.

Rock on, let's see what I can do.





Hmmm, it seems that pressing the buttons makes different doors open and close, but which button opens which door doesn't seem to make much sense. I've been trying to get all the doors open, you know, just to see if I can, and so far no luck. But that's fine, I think I know of a way to cheat.



Good old Rezrov.



Now you're thinking outside the box.

Well, I'm bored with that now. I wonder if I can get all of them closed.





Woohoo! I did it! Yay me.



Oh shit. I broke it. Badly.

Well whatever. I guess a much loved and irreplaceable 300 year old national treasure is a small price to pay. Congratulations.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.....




Click here to see video that shows how Jack is doing now.

Number 57! 57!





Well then, in you go, 57.



Wait, that's it?



"In you go, 57?"



I mean, don't you read something, or say something?



Yes, I say, "In you go, 57," and you go in.



Oh, well can I at least have a hug?











*power goes out*



People! People! Oh, not again! Oh, that's it. I can't work in these conditions.

So, am I getting Totemized or what?



...oh shit oh shit oh shit...



Um, I'm getting the hell out of here.

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For anyone who wants to see how all this looks in motion:
Video of everything we did this update.

That's all for now. Tune in next time to find out what else we can break...or blow up.