Part 38: Pizzagate is real! PIZZAGATE IS REAL!

Pizzagate is real! PIZZAGATE IS REAL!

Welcome back! Last time on ATOM RPG, we...




Anyway. The less said about that the better.

Onward!



: [The man looks up and smiles widely, almost as if he was waiting for you]

: Hey hey, comrade! Why so dusty? Coming back from some dirty ruin, right? Go on, you can tell me. Don't be shy.

: Ohhh... Oh, he insulted you, my sweet child, and yet is I who feels the sting of his words! What sort of father am I, to have such a dirty, dusty child? Such a dirty boy! Dirty, dirty pig-boy!

I think the ATOM crew ranks as my least favorite party in any RPG. Stygian at least had the Nameless Soldier, and while Aligern and Tyber sucked Callistege and Oom were alright. These guys are both incompetent in combat AND completely useless for anything else.



: I'm not even that dusty. I keep my clothes quite neat.

: [The man rearranges his glasses and examines you more closely]



: Maybe I can help. What's the job?

This is necessary to do the Woodpecker quest - you know, the one you're railroaded into at the stalker base.

: [The man nods a few times, and jerks his chair closer to you without standing up. He starts by saying the following while nervously drumming his fingers on the table]

MOTHERFUCKER! It's a god damn dialog box, you do not need to tell us the character we're talking to is saying things! Jesus fuck! How did you put this much effort into making your game dogshit????

Sorry, I have lost patience with this trash game.

: A certain hospital was left strangely intact after the bombings all those years ago. There are no doctors there, of course, only monsters and bones, but the building itself is safe to explore.

This is a fucking lie but carry on.

: My business partner really, really needs a certain gizmo that might still be found in that old clinic. It would likely be in the operating room, or maybe locked up in the basement storage area. Every city clinic had a few of these things in the last years before the war.



: What are the chemicals? Is this thing dangerous?

: Nah, not at all. It was used to transport donor organs to patients over long distances without the need for a whole freezer pack. Pre-war medicine made a huge leap before it all went to hell you know.



: Why would you need such a thing?

: I don't. My business partner does. He's planning on opening a hospital... Yeah, such a great guy he is, you can't even imagine.



: Why can't you go dumpster diving yourself?

: Five years ago I would have, and we wouldn't be having this talk. But my body isn't what it used to be, so I have to buy someone else's labor, capitalist style.

: I'll remember that. If I ever see a gizmo like the one you described, I'll return.



: Let's change the subject, okay?

Why is this man hanging out in the "looter" base if he's trying to open a hospital?



: I wish you would tell me your name...



Oh yes, with a name like "Satanovsky" I'm sure he's on the level.

: Glad to meet you, Comrade Satanovsky. Another question...

I love how at this point it's kind of standard operating procedure to be the pawn of evil conspiracies for a pittance. What I don't love is how our choice is "be conspiracy man bitch" or "kill everyone".



: What are you doing here?



: I see. Next question...



: Can you share something interesting with me?

He's an evil gangster dude, he's gotta have some rumors!



Oh, just real life Russian Bermuda Triangle shit.

: It happened way back in 1939. A group of young, healthy, experienced hikers was found dead on a trip to the Northern Urals. Even now their deaths seem weird to me... but back in the day it was the talk of the whole Soviet Union!



: Sounds a little farfetched. See you around, you old coot.




So your choices in the Dead City are to eat a bunch of radiation by wandering the surface, or to deal with the most tedious tunnels ever. We're eating the radiation.



I don't have much to say. It's Russian Fallout.



There are millions of these guys on the surface. They come in two varieties - the melee kind, seen here, which can reach one space farther than your melee characters can, and the "Shadow Queen" who can spit acid and is covered in mushrooms. They have shit for HP and are incredibly boring to fight, because the developers do not understand how to evoke emotion.



There are a bunch of shadows here, and they're just fucking boring.



I mean, I guess we can get a medkit? I'll be honest, we hit the absolute plateau of revulsion last update and most of the rest of the game is an exercise in tedium.



You have to go down this dank hole which symbolizes the imagination of the developers.



This is, of course, filled with rats because the developers paid good money for that rat model on the asset store and by God are they going to use it.



So I beat Encased the other day.



Unlike ATOM, it has memorable characters and is actually able to evoke emotion in its players.



While ATOM is a confused clusterfuck of incoherence, Encased is actually about something and actually has meat to it, and I think it's going to be my next Let's Play.



This Hazmat suit is next to an unfortunate skeleton carrying anti-radiation meds.



Have I mentioned this game is boring and unimaginative?



Back to Satanovsky.





: About that suitcase you wanted me to find...



: Here it is.

: [The man carefully inspects the little briefcase you found]



: [Speechcraft] Man, if you know the horrors I saw on my way to recovering this marvelous medical miracle machine, you'd blush at offering so little.



I'm sure we didn't fuck up.



: Thank you. [Take the money]

: Great! Great, here you go.



: Good. Wanna chat?



: What can you tell me about this place?

: In the old days, they used to call places like this a "den of thieves". I agree with that assessment wholeheartedly, although we're lacking in quality hookers, unlike a real den... I wish there were more hookers in the Wastes in general.

Really?

: This dude just named the biggest problem of this world. These Wastes are rotten to the core, but they still don't have enough hookers! How long will my involuntary celibacy last, God?



: It was a more innocent time then. Women didn't have such high standards! You get me, or do I need to snap your neck so you can finally understand my suffering? Huh? HANH?!



: I got it. What a fun trait. I should go now, though.


This honestly feels like the kind of humor I'd find in a 2000s Flash game.



This woman is also here.





She's a Total Recall reference despite being modeled with two breasts, because, again, this game fucking sucks. She propositions you to hire her as a hooker and we get this charming exchange:







I think I would be more forgiving of this shit if the game was actually better.



There's a whole spiel on how she never gets repeat clients because she's a mutant and exotic and blah blah blah and rumors about the Secret Cartel. Whatever!



As we try to leave we get accosted by the world's worst detective.



: Let's get closer to business. What happened?



: Damn it. Where was the corpse at?



: When did the murder happen?



This is going to open a large plot hole in a few minutes.

: Are there any suspects?

: [The Detective looks away]



You are the fucking worst.

: Care to share those assumptions with me?



Uh huh.

: There could be partners, or the Woodpecker might have information about the investigation.



: And the one who found the body? Is he okay?



: And what were you doing for that half an hour? Hmmmm?

: I noticed an empty suitcase and I wanted to check out what was inside. What about it? You think Kurdes pays me? He will only pay for the result.

I'm kind of impressed that ATOM is able to mindlessly regurgitate so much but in all these words it has nothing to say about what it's referencing.

: I called the boys and we dragged the corpse back to the metro station. And I believe that I saw everything noteworthy that was on the scene of the crime. But I might have missed something. I want you to take a walk around the old department store. Maybe you would find something I missed.



Not sure if I missed a screenshot here.

: Jerky was tortured and now has a hole in his head, I'm betting.



: What did you find at the scene?



: We'll see. I might be of help.

: Just check out the old old department store[sic], okay? Here it is...



Who cared less - the editors/translators, or me?




Now that we have the hazmat suit we can wander the surface and not deal with the tunnels.



Our speechcraft becomes useful again.



I'll keep this short - click on the body, the boots, and the footprints until you find this:




Oh no! For the record, this guy has a whole "meh who cares about the Woodpecker" deal going, but it seems we've found the crazed maniac who's killing the stalkers, and for once we have an actual reason to care as the stalkers happily hurl themselves into combat to help us out.



OH GOD THE WOODPECKER GOT THE EDITORS



: Yeah, I've been there. The only clue you missed was this cigarette butt... [Show the slim cigarette but]

: [The Detective checks out the butt, while scratching his chin]



: I think I already spoke to that guy. He smoked thin mint cigs.



: You think he could be our murderer?



: Where could he go? For a walk or...



: What should we do? Just wait for him?

: No... No. Let me remember something.



I can't tell if they didn't care or what.

: I remember. I remember he was walking near the entrance to the store before leaving. He didn't enter, but he spoke to a crestfallen stalker called Moth. This guy is always around.



: Why can't you no talk to Moth yourself[sic]?

: Well... See, I'm not even good at speaking to my own family members. And Moth is one hell of a guy. I'm afraid of scaring him off. You would do much better than me.

: Maybe you're right. Let's go talk to the guy.




It's the bum we gave money to earlier. We Speechcraft at him and he sells Fancy Pants down the river while relating that he was acting totally sus.





Just... please, shut up!



Stop



Fucking



TALKING



Ok, let's go to the playground and finish this thoroughly uninspired quest.



Look at how fucking dull and passive voiced this narration is.



: I'm looking, I'm looking.



The camera does a zoom on the nefarious Fancy Pants as he waits for... who knows?

: He's waiting for someone or something.

It's the fucking Postman Conspiracy, I'm not even going to pretend this is a spoiler.



: We need to wait and watch his movements.

: And I advise we rush in and arrest him! Why waste time? That's not how the old world KGB did things!

: We're only a few meters away, but he isn't bothered at all.

You lose literally nothing by not having these party members. I am amazed. Alexander is closest to helpful here.



: Why is he standing there? He won't even turn to face us.



: We need to grab him now, while he's alone.



This leads to an exciting in engine cutscene where we walk toward Fancy Pants trying to be "cool".





: We're just out for a walk, what's up?



: Quit playing the fool. You're under arrest.

: By what right? I haven't done anything. What is this, Nazi Germany?

: Calm down. My colleague went too far, is all. We just want you to answer a few questions.

: Do I have to repeat myself? I'm not telling you shit.

: You seem a bit nervous. What's to be nervous about?



: [Intellect] I'm with the Detective. Kurdes gave us the authority to interrogate anyone.



: [Personality] Oh come on, buddy. We won't do anything bad to ya.



: Jokes aside, you're the Woodpecker, am I right?



: Yeah, I get it, and I support you. But see, these cigarette butts, found near the place Jerky was butchered are the same brand you smoke.

: Huh. Now I get why you ganged up on me. It sure looks suspicious... but what makes you think they were my?[sic]

: Only you smoke that brand of cigs! It's where you got your nickname.

: Wow, that's your clue? You think I'm the only one in this whole city who smokes thin, mint flavored cigs? I get them at the port, and at least ten others at the same time as me.



: Hmmm... Where were you when the Jerky boy was killed?

: Hmmm... Ummm... Yeah.

: [Suddenly a wicked smile erupts on the face of Fancy Pants]

: Here comes the cavalry! Now you guys are really fucked.

He's not lying.



The cutscene makes it look like 3, but it's actually 12 guys.



Oh, you wanted to play the game, you stupid fuck? Look, the questgiver was actually evil works maybe once. If you overuse it as ATOM does (I may or may not have learned this college DMing) people get tired of it. Literally every fucking quest in this game has resulted in the evil conspiracy members profiting off our hard work and it blows.

: Why are you here? Are you the pal Fancy Pants was waiting for?

: Bullseye! That's exactly it. He was waiting for me and my partners here.

Yeah, Fancy Pants was the partner who needed the cooler for the "hospital".

: Heehee! And you just sat there and asked me all those questions. I actually gave you the chance to leave, but noooo! Your overactive tongue has became[sic] the death of you.



: Hold on! What is this all about? We were looking for the Woodpecker, not you.

: [The man's curt laugh shows off his yellow teeth]



: You're saying he wasn't a serial killer? Then why did he torture the victims?

: To increase the quality of the product he was gathering. See, if the victim suffers terrible agony before the product is harvested, it generates more of the chemical compounds that bring happiness to my clients.

: I get no pleasure from this. It's just my job.

Didn't the bunker rapist guy say the same thing when we asked him why he raped his daughter?

: Suffering is often a highly valued part of writing poetry... but this is a whole other level!



: What's this product you're going on about?

: Ah, I am referring to the human pineal gland, a pea-sized, fleshy ball located deep inside the brain. This organ is the subject of oh-so-many legends. They say it gives one creative energy and blissful euphoria! Something I am not going to test, since I never use what I sell. It is also rumored to harbor a person's very soul...

: That's nothing! Some buyers also demand the adrenal gland. Now that's a real high, my friend! Pure adrenochrone is no joke.

: Ughhh. So this whole operation was to sell a bunch of human organs to drug addicted cannibals!



: And who are your clients?

: The elites who've grown tired of average, workaday drugs. These people are the top dogs, so naturally they're easily bored. People like me and my Woodpecker are their final refuge from ennui and gloom.

Remember, we killed Redlettermedia Pizzagate because they competed with these guys and we were set up by the evil postman.

: What's this organization you speak of, old man?

: The Secret Cartel. You've probably seen our symbol around, and even talked to our postal workers. We are everywhere. As silent as a muted horn, as forgettable as a silly drawing on a waste bin. Don't look at me like that. We're not monsters, we're professional postal workers who believe that all letters and packages must be delivered, no matter what they are.

Did they... did they convey something through dialog, rather than having their narrator spew a paragraph about "you look at the man with disbelief and horror"? Holy shit!

: Drawing your horns all over the place is fucking childish. And that says something, coming from me!

: The signs warn our competitors not to trespass on our turf. Believe you me, compared to most of them, we're angels. We never use the stuff we move, we never kill without reason, we never force ourselves into local politics. The places we don't work in are serviced by much worse folks, outright criminals.

This could be the rationalization of every single evil conspiracy member in this game.

: Enough information.



: [Dexterity][Attack First]



Taste Cossack Steel, motherfuckers!

: Where is he? Wake up, you idiots! Open fire!

: My turn first. [Attack]




Calling this fight dogshit is an insult to dogshit.



I have Bear smoke the drugs.



We have the Detective as an allied character, but because he's an incompetent fuckup he dies turn 1.



We then lose Fidel and Alexander turn 1. This fight is absolute dogshit because there aren't 3 guys and Fancy Pants, there are 12 guys who show up as reinforcements and trap you in the playground of death.

So it's time to grind! Alexander doesn't have great armor because I never bothered equipping him, Hexogen's bug armor is kind of trash, and Fidel is using the armor we stole from the dead gate guard way back when. I happen to know where there's a free copy of the best armor in the game.



I get lucky and trigger this caravan who gives us a free ride to the secret bunker. Now, we can't go in that way (yet) but it is the closest to the literal Hell Battle for some good gear.



Specifically, we need to throw money at the random construction guy hanging around Casa de Looter.



Of course, we still need to trek through The Metro Of Too Many Goddamn Random Encounters.



Demon fights are actually swingy as hell. We win this one via superior burst damage.



I have the battle speed cranked to max, but most of my time in the Stalkers Vs Demons encounters is spent waiting for NPCs to move.



This is an AOE fire attack that, as far as I can tell, has a stun chance.



The world's dumbest bandits are still not a threat.



I pick up this perk because AP bonuses are virtually nonexistent and we won't be getting any more most likely.



I then say fuck it and turbocharge Speechcraft.



I level up our dog and realize he has some truly awful perks. This seems good until you realize the AI never backs out of melee range and just keeps shooting. In theory, you can combine it with his perk that might proc fear, in practice you will never do this because you just don't get enough perks and you want to dump them into his resistances because you're seriously siccing a dog on men with AK-47s.



This is where we need to go.



This location has a fuckton of demons and fiends, who have a stun chance that procs fairly often which results in a lot of deaths and reloads.



Companions have various replies to being ordered to hold position.



This is why we're here.



Wolf the stalker has a machinegun that fires rare and expensive ammo - not the AK caliber we have plenty of - and the best armor in the game. It goes on Bear and Alexander gets his copy of the second-best armor.



Oh, and this note.



Ha ha.



There are a lot of fights with, deaths to, and reloads caused by demons as we trudge our way back to the Looter Base so we can get to the surface.

I won't lie, I had to quit my recording session in frustration because this game went from tedious to actively painful to play.



This was never interesting.



Satanovsky is of course gone.



This guy was called "Guber" by the quest giver. I'm not even going to show this. They get fucking murdered. Next.



The other peril of the Dead City are these encounters. It's more of the mutants we encountered at the hospital.



I try running but they just kill the dog, so I end up save scumming so we can just skip it after Bear dies the death of a thousand cuts.



What is with this obsession with boring rat fights?



Cool. So I'm back at the harbor because we're going back to Krasnoznamenny to buy armor.



This man is sad because his brother died, but not sad enough to not dump inane bullshit.



Captain Gorton here charges us much less for the return trip.



Alexander seems to think Fidel knew Merkader. Sure, why not.



Unfortunately, the only thing the armorer has for sale that's actually good is this helmet. I grab it and throw it on Alexander, but now we need to find more armor fast. But how?



Chatting with this guard I suddenly remember the bribe fucker who tried to extort us.



Oh, you'll get your bribe you little shit.





Did you like it?



While he has a nifty hat, he doesn't have good enough armor so I reload to save the cigs. Using cigarettes strategically on the Krasnoznamenny militia is a great way to get armor you have no right getting your hands on early in the game.



The bunker guard has a good armor drop, but I feel kind of bad killing him. Remember that random woman we slept with who sent Bear to get her bra? That's apparently this guy's wife.



The guy we're going after is the personal guard of the General Secretary, who should have some useful stuff.



Score! A more modern AK variant, a Soviet Army Knife, a Special Forces Helmet, and the bulletpoof vest? This goes right to Hexogen because he is also made of paper.



I become unsure of my cigarette supply and wander the wastelands looks for one vendor with good armor.



I then get the bright idea to kill the Mushroom Cult guard, as those guys are extremely well equipped befitting their nature as the shadowy antagonists and he's got the model for the bulletproof vest.



He does not drop either a weapon or armor. Fuck you. Reload.



Sweet Talker gives you cash for finishing the Dan quests as well, and he gives us a quest to kill some dudes near Fogolevka. I'll be honest, we are most definitely not one hundred percenting this game even though I've never done this questline.



I see this house has a television and I watch a bit. This bit is that the guy is getting paid to say bullshit, ha ha.



Guess where this is going? I mentioned it earlier in the thread.







God fucking dammit. What's next, are we going to loot a copy of Mein Kampf that we can read as a skill book? I don't think that's in the game, but it would not shock me at this point.



I decide to go back to the Dead City and - food? YOU LYING MOTHERFUCKER! Every time we take this damn boat we end up with maxed hunger! Fuck you, Captain Gorton!



I try to proc a slave hunter random encounter to loot their armor but all I get are these shadows. This is almost interesting but we can do nothing to help these poor guys, and if we did it would probably turn out they were cursed Nickelback fans who were going to do tribute concerts to Nickelback all across the wasteland once we uncursed them.



Fuck it. I just rush Fancy Pants and kill him, because we don't need more guns firing on us in this fight.



This triggers Satanovsky to come in and give his long ass speech about being a bad man.



Yeah whatever shut up. You get this if Fancy Pants is dead.



Unless you make either the strength or the luck check the Detective takes his incompetence with him to hell.



So here's the thing. Even with the upgraded armor, the enemy RNG can decide to go for the eyes and crit. This is more hit points than Hexogen actually has. This is not a combat minigame in the traditional sense, this is a tedious grindfest where you need to pump drugs into your characters every single fucking turn and pray that the RNG doesn't decide to randomly fuck you.



Let's try this again.



I cannot stress enough how much of a fucking liability these party members are. I also caught them just fucking wasting turns not shooting unless you order them with the little menu to attack a certain target.



Of course, I don't realize the dog is dead until the battle is over, and I'd been saving every turn because fuck doing this legit. The last save was a turn after the dog died. Reload.



This is what Satanovsky says if you call him a dumbass.



Fidel then gets focused and killed turn 1. It bears repeating that you have no real tools to deal with this shit.



I finally say fuck it and break out the grenade stash. It doesn't synergize with melee at all, but by grenade spamming we can stunlock one of the groups of 3 to death.



I suppose I should amend my earlier statement to say that you can use grenades and whatnot, but even Age of Decadence had more consumables that can swing a fight. We're only this successful because I dumped a few levels worth of skill points into throwing, otherwise you drop the grenade at your own feet because the ATOM devs really, really liked fucking the player over.

Shit, even Underrail lets you throw grenades farther untrained most of the time.



We get another set of Combat Armor, a special forces hat..



A modified AK 47 distinguished by a broken dialog box and another copy of the best helmet in the game...



A fully effective gas mask...



Another Cossack Sword and backpack...



Yea, these losers and the detective are just loot pinatas.



So, yeah, that plot hole I mentioned? This is the carrying case we retrieved. Somehow we gave it to Satanovsky, then the Detective came in and said he found the dead body. Somehow Fancy Pants got it to extract the pineal gland...having killed Jerky several hours before we delivered the box to Satanovsky. Then he was meeting Satanovsky here, presumably to deliver the box. How the fuck does any of this work?



Whatever, let's go to Kurdes and get money.



: Fine, listen. [Tell everything you know]

: [You tell Kurdes about your adventures with Fancy Pants/Woodpecker which ended in a fights[sic] with him and his grisly associates. Kurdes listens to your bloodcurdling tale and speaks only after you finish:]

: Fucking hell... Drugs made from people, mystery gangs and cartels! Dead City became a haven for some crazy shit. Good thing I decided to put more money into hiring guards.



That's right, kids! There's a high chance we solved literally nothing!

: I believe it's possible many were doing it. But Fancy Pants was the main "harvester".

: Yes. You're probably right. Probably... Ah, doesn't matter now. Secret Cartel my ass... God damn, what terrible things exist in the world...

: [Kurdes sighs again, covers his weary eyes and rubs the bridge of his nose]



I think there's supposed to be a "he died" option.

: He decided to continue his investigation.

...in HELL!

Either that or he miraculously survived and I missed it. He just whines about the Secret Cartel and promises to go to Trudograd to track them down.

: A strange yet noble gesture. I'm glad he's okay. Who knows, maybe he will even unravel the secrets of that cartel. I doubt it, though.



: Yeah. True. How about my reward?

: Sure. Wait a sec.

: [The man dives under his table and returns with a large medical bag]



Oh man, that's legit! Thanks Kurdes!

: Thank you. That stuff wouldn't hurt.

: Take it all!

: Oof. I'll go check out what's inside.



Three medkits? Hell yeah!


So, yes, that's the end of the Postman Conspiracy questline! We get manipulated the entire time, then we kill a bunch of guys in the Dead City but the game heavily implies the conspiracy is still out there and all we did is kill one middleman.

I am going to be honest, unless people really want to see more ATOM, I think we can count the remaining updates on one hand. I'll show off the Tunnel of Death at least, I can briefly speak about some stuff I'm missing but the game has two modes, tedious and offensives. I think I've presented enough of the game to support my thesis that you should not buy it because it is bad. If there are any quests the thread really wants to show off, I'll do them, but I think it's about time to wrap up this LP.

Next time: Wow look, there are more references in this fucking bunker!