Part 6: Things Go Well For Approximately One Mission

PART 7 - Things Go Well For Approximately One Mission

Welcome back! It's a long part this time to make up for the recent shorter ones, so strap in and let's see who we're going to murder today. (Hint: either Olaf or our own units... or both.)



Man, air units were introduced, like, 10 minutes ago, and we're already getting anti-air. This'll be fun.

Hey Nell, are you in a good news or bad news mood today?



Oh? That's new.



OH MY GOD YES. GIVE IT TO ME.



My god, Nell, are you feeling OK? This is so much good news!

My heart can barely handle it.





How do we keep losing entire companies like this? You can't possibly have tacticians who are worse than me, can you?



Jesus. Anything capable of wrecking a medium tank is bad news.



Bom? Oh no. She must mean Bom...

Wait, fuck.

I was gonna look up other words beginning with 'bom' to comically misread what she says.

Turns out there are very few words beginning with 'bom' in the English language that aren't immediately related to bombs.

So, uh, yeah, bombers. She means bombers.



It's bombers, Nell.



I mean, you say that every time, and every time Olaf has somehow got better shit than we do. Can we assume the worst for once so that we aren't surprised when he has bombers?





Alright, here we go.



Today's map opens with Olaf chortling to himself. Maybe he read a funny joke.





Oh no. However will we defeat you.



hey look he has bombers

_{how about that}



I'm afraid that won't be happening.



wait where is that plane going

It's my turn first, you prick!



oh godammit



Olaf is cutscening our troops to death



Ffffuck, that thing's kinda terrifying. Welp, those units didn't stand a chan-



OH COME ON.



So yeah, this chapter just kinda starts with a little bit of unit genocide.



Welp. This is a good start.

He said, sarcasm dripping from every word that passed his lips.



No shit, Nell.



No shit, Nell.



No shit, Nell.



see it's funny because I'm pointing out how Nell is repeating what we just saw by repeating the same phrase over and over



Shit, she's deployed the multiple exclamation marks. This must be serious!



tank tank tank



A fleet of gigantic tanks comes rolling up to the main group, who all stare as a woman with a confident grin on her face hops out and sits on the front of the cannon, allowing her slender form to draw the eye of all the males. She smirks.

"Too easy to manipulate. Alright, gentlemen, nice to meet you; I'm Tina, and this is the Tina Team. We're the strongest motherfuckers you ever did meet, and against ground units-"



"Yeah, I just said that." Tina sighs. "Now, I'm not saying I'm the most disgustingly powerful person in this entire army, I mean, I'm just as weak to bombers as-"



"I know!" yells Tina, glaring at Nell.

Barry smirks.

"Got something to say, shit-for-brains?" Tina says. He falls silent immediately; the army's usual spokesman, Steve, steps forward.

"Hey, Tina. Sorry about these schmucks, they're a little unfamiliar with women. We've been campaigning for a while now, after all." he says. "But we're glad to have you along. You and Wilbert should get along well."

"Hmph. Glad to see some of you know how to treat a real lady." Tina grins. "Alright, lads, I'm in. Oh - we do poker nights here, right? Last army division I was in did poker on Fridays."

"Yeah, there is." Barold replies. "If we all make it back from this battle, I'll host poker in my barracks room, alright?"

"There's some real motivation to survive!" laughs Colin. "Let's get going!"



"Hey guys." the anti-air unit leader says, his bloodshot eyes roving over the battlefield. "Ooh... such delightful little vehicles and people. What colour will you bleed? I long to know."

"We really do attract the fucking weirdos, huh?" murmurs Eric. Bill, in the tank next to him, nods as he nervously stares at the newcomer.

"Yeah. Yeah, we do."

"I'm Carl. We are all Carl here. We are... famished." the leader continues, smiling eerily. "Let us hunt and kill. For then... we consume."

"He is NOT invited to poker later." hisses Steve.



The Carl Crew prepare themselves.



Alright, Nell, calm down. Let's see how anti-airs fare against their foes.



AHAHAHAH OH MY GOD

Holy shit, I knew she said they were effective, but casually one-shotting?



Truly beautiful.



No fucking kidding, Nell. Sheesh. These guys are plenty of fun.



That wasn't overwhelmingly powerful. That was slaughter.





Beautiful. Everything I need in a unit.





Sure. That ends well.

Actually, no, it has ended well recently. I can do this!



Alright, strategy. With the benefit of hindsight, I didn't really have to go and deal with those upcoming planes, but I wasn't sure whether they could get to us or not, so I played it safe and sent some heavy hitters like Wilbert down.

I don't really have to think much about the rest of the map - Tina could destroy that little group of mechs on her own if she wanted, let alone with everyone else backing her up.



Gareth loads himself up.

"Hey," Gareth says as he spots a familiar face inside. "Uh... sorry, but, you look a lot like Michael."

"I am Michael, that's why." the guy driving the APC replies, grinning.

Gareth stares at him. "Didn't you die?"

"Did I?" Michael asks, tilting his head. "I don't recall. It was probably fine."

"...Sure, why not." mutters Gareth. "Drive on."



Gareth gets dropped off up here.



Now, I was nervous about the planes, so I sent Alfred down just in case.



Steve hops into the Bernard Batch's transport copter.



I park Bernard here, but apparently you can't drop people when you're on ocean? For some fucking reason.

Everyone else moves up, and it's Olaf's turn.





These assholes do their thing. Blue Moon's motto must be something like "Above all, capturing cities."



These guys get concerningly close.



Also the tanks advance.



At the end of Olaf's turn, I realised that the approaching enemies don't have any fuel left, so they're no threat. Alfred rolls out to deal with some motherfuckers.





Nice. I like Bro Copters.





The Bill/Eric tank goes to finish the job. I want to capture this middle area as quickly as possible and with as few chances for the enemy to react as possible; the real fight is gonna be dealing with the copters and medium tank at the other end of the map.



Realising that they didn't go far enough, Gareth gets back into the APC to continue his pilgrimage.



And we park him here.



Carl thirsts for blood, and



holy shit he one-shots mechs too. Anti-air seem really fucking strong! They must be awful against tanks to balance it out, I'm guessing. We shall see later.



Everyone prepares for the next enemy phase.





I think this was the most hilarious moment of this mission. The two planes just fucking exploded.

I love this stupid game.



This guy does his thing. Unfortunately he ended his turn in range of Carl.



One of the enemy tanks tried and failed to do any meaningful damage to Bernard.



Now that those two planes violently exploded with no input from me whatsoever, Nell is happy to give me more strategic advice.





"We're not fucking decoys!" yells Barold, staring wild-eyed at the battle copters in the distance. "Please... don't do anything stupid."



I guess that could work. It sounds risky, but hey, we've survived with 1 HP to spare before. Isn't that right, Wilbert?

"Damn straight." Wilbert grins.



They are the most dangerous unit left on the map, I think. The medium tank isn't much of a threat with how much firepower I'm packing.



I was gonna do that, yeah.



Well, yes. Because there'll be basically nothing left on the map.



Or they'll violently explode, I'm guessing. Which would be hilarious.



No shit, Nell.





Right! Back into it!



OK, so this guy is in perfect range, really. With a bit of jiggling around I should be able to park an infantry in his range.



Bernard heads back to pick up our straggling infantry.



Alright, Tina. Let's see what you do to tanks.



...Yup. Medium tanks are the best.

CRUSH ALL BENEATH YOUR UNHOLY TREADS, TINA.



Steve pops up to take a hit to the face.



I was going to move Alfred here to finish off that tank, but I don't want to have a healthy tank take pot-shots at Tina. It probably won't do much damage, but it's best avoided.



The Steve bait was taken.



Also, fuck. That was a lot closer than I wanted it to be. Hang in there, Steve!



The enemy forces move up, and the injured tank flees. Damn, I forgot they did that. We'll have to fix that.



"Yes... yes... feed me your blood." hisses Carl.



This will never not be funny. One-Punch Carl is at it again.





We bully the other tank in the same way we did the first. The way Tina is just shy of one-shotting is kind of irksome, to be honest.



And Alfred...



Finishes the job. Truly, he is the Bro Copter.



This screen is called 'My dude forgets that you can't be loaded if the copter is on ocean terrain and promptly sighs in irritation'.



At least Gareth and Michael can continue their quest.



I move Bernard one space up and Dave hops aboard.



Next turn, the tank has fled further, but the curvature of the map and Alfred's total disregard for mountains means he's still in range.



What a dick.



I could finish this guy with Tina, but I want to save Tina to take on the guys down below.



But annoyingly, Wilbert can't hit hard enough for that.



Sigh.



Dave gets dropped off on the other side of the water.

Fine, fine, I'll just kill the guy with Tina.



There we go. That was what one might describe as "so far removed from optimal that it may as well be the very opposite".



Gareth gets dropped off for what I think is a third time? He's certainly hopping in and out of Michael's APC a lot this map.



Here's how things stand. Alfred is in range of the medium tank - he had to be, to take out the other lil' tank. I'm hoping he survives, and lures the tank away from the artillery. I'd rather not deal with the artillery fire whilst I'm trying to kill the stupid thing.



This guy makes an awful career choice.



Oh god. Do a Wilbert, Alfred, and survive with at least 1 HP.



...Apparently Alfred gives absolutely no shits about tanks. Admittedly, the tank is on a base, so he'll heal that damage, but still! Something that doesn't immediately fold like paper against these things is always appreciated.



Alright, Alf, you did good. Get outta there.



Dave attacks a guy.



It, uh... sure is a battle that happens.



Gareth does... decent damage?

Wait, why am I thinking about this? I have the solution...



Right here.



Yesssss.



Damn. Anti-airs aren't just useful for dealing with copters, it seems. They're really handy for picking off the mechs and infantry around the place!



And that leaves Gareth free to start the capture. Look at me, being all tactical and stuff.

Almost makes you forget that time that I used Tina to shoot a tank with 1 HP.



This one, meanwhile, is gonna take a little while longer...



Michael does his thing, since he's not carrying anyone for once.



Barold has an idea, and heads north to cut through the mountains.



The medium tank gets healed. It's no big deal - next turn we'll lure him down and take him out. Hopefully.



Here we go.



Capture is finished. Dave looks very pleased with himself.



Come on, Steve.



Meanwhile, this the range of the Big Lad. I need to keep Barold out of it up top, and put someone into it down below.



Barold continues. He's out of range of both the artillery and the medium tank - this is key.



Who better to lure than Alfred again? I send him in, ready to take more hits.



Here we go.



As expected, absolutely nothing. Little bit of damage to Alfred, and he did a little bit back. Perfect.



And my plan comes to fruition! Barold is out of range of the artillery, and free to whale on it until it dies! Truly, my genius knows no bounds.



Oh, for god's sake.



I mean, I do it anyway, but I know there's no point. It's such small damage. May as well wait for the cavalry to arrive.

Speaking of, let's see how we do against the Big Lad.









OK. So, besides Tina, nobody does huge amounts of damage, and they'll take a lot of counter damage. I'm pretty sure I have enough damage to kill it though. However...



I move the Wilbert Warriors further down just in case he's needed next turn. That's a worst-case scenario preparation though.



I open fire with the Tina Team first; I figure that drastically weakening the medium tank's counter fire whilst my weak units are picking it off is a good call. Enemies do less damage when they have lower HP, so I may as well start with my strongest.



Alfred does a little more damage...



Bill and Eric bring us home. Woo! That's our first medium tank down, baby! They really don't seem that tough now that I have some proper firepower with me. Still, I guess there's one enemy left before I've cleared the map.





I load and move Gareth, in case he's necessary.



The Bill/Eric Brigade do their thing.



That is, shooting dudes.



Barold does a little more chip damage. Almost there, now...



Nailed it.



God, I love you, Tina.





It was also hilarious. So there's that.



Man, I feel like I'm actually thinking tactically now! Nell is giving me a lot of positive feedback.



You did. I don't know if I've mentioned, but it was fucking funny.





Michael seems pretty good at it, and he died the one time (possibly, anyway, we're not sure).



I think Michael's reappearance has confused Olaf. Sorry, man, I can't explain it either.



Hey, he said the thing again. Different words, same meaning. Every god damn mission.



Hell yeah I did!

...It was mostly Tina.



Well, I'm still riding the high from that last mission going so well, so yeah, let's do it!



Nell: Civil War?



For a minute I thought we were going to get fighters and bombers. Apparently not yet.



Ooh. I'm listening.



As a famous vampire once said, "Bitches love cannons."

Rockets are basically the same. Lemme at 'em!



Yeah, I've beaten Olaf, what, nine times now or something?



"At least you have superior tactics! Hahah. That was a joke. You are truly the worst tactician we have right now."



Alright, new units, here we come!



Oh, it's only mission nine. I beat Olaf eight times then.



whoashit this is a busy map



I'd say so, though it's not like I've had much control over who I field so far.



Oh god.





Bad News Nell is back in full force, ladies and gentlemen.



I may have spoken too soon.



Ah, sweet, indirect fire. Wonder how strong they are?



Holy shit. Wilbert has some serious competition; though I guess he's better as an all-round attacker.



A nice detail with the flying units, they fall from the sky rather than exploding when you defeat them.





It is basically Air Wilbert then, I guess.



Yup. Air Wilbert.





Well, yes. They are the two units best suited for fighting air units, Nell.



I'm intrigued to see how these guys differ.



Sheesh. This mission seems to be "hey, let's replace Wilbert, he's too strong".

I will NEVER replace Wilbert.





Rockets do plenty of damage too. I must admit, I've grown used to seeing 100+ damage since I've started playing with anti-air units, but I must remind myself that it's not bad to not one-shot. It's preferable, to be fair...



But hey, bodying a tank is also preferable, so good on you guys, rocket men.





Definitely! These guys may not be Wilbert's competition after all - they may be his allies!







Noted. Pretty much the same as the other indirect units, then.







I have no idea what Nell means like this, and I'm not particularly bothered.



Excellent. I'm getting into my tactics, now, so I should be able to handle this pretty well. Hit me with all you got!



Firstly, I just want to see how much damage Alfred does here.



This is me, not realising that I can't fire on the bomber with Alfred and...



...Oops. This will end badly, won't it?



These guys move up to take on the tanks and mechs up top.



Everyone else gets in a vaguely defensive formation.



Oh god Michael



No



No no no



Shit



Please don't be a one-shot.



Phew.





Alfred is harshly punished for his mistake.



OK, it's my turn, Alfred is extremely injured in enemy territory, Michael died again, Bernard died...



...Yeah, fuck this. We're doing it again!

Next time, we try the mission with way less suck.

***

The Barracks: Tina and Wilbert 1

Tina looks up as there’s a knock on her door.

“Yeah?”

“It’s Wilbert.”

She opens the door and with a wry grin, spots Wilbert handing over a pair of her panties with a sheepish look on his face. “These were in my washing.”

“Oops.” Tina smirks. “Never seen a pair of panties before?”

She invites him into her room as she puts the clothes away in a suitcase; travelling light, in case a mission comes up.

“Uh.” Wilbert mutters. “Let’s say ’no’ and drop it. You did good today.”

“Ooh, a compliment.” Tina replies. “I hear they’re rare from you.”

“Look, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. I’m not so blind that I can’t see the use of other units. You’re a particularly useful one to me.”

“Why do you have to be the best?” Tina asks. Wilbert stares at her, not sure how to respond.

“Uh…”

“I have to be the best because of the field I’m in. Women in combat is still a rare sight, and it will continue to be a rare sight until we prove ourselves. That’s why I have to be the best. But… I don’t understand why you push yourself like you do. Overconfidence?”

“No, I…” Wilbert says. “I think I just like battle. I want to see a worthy opponent and defeat them. Is that so strange?”

Tina stares at Wilbert. “I suppose not.”

He shrugs, and she sits on the bed. “Well, see you tonight at dinner. You can make your own way out.”

“Sure.” Wilbert replies. Within moments, he is gone, leaving Tina alone in her room, staring at the ceiling.