Part 22: Barry's Last Stand
PART 22 - Barry's Last StandWhew, it's been two weeks since we did this. Sorry again for missing last week, but we're back, and we've got 190+ dicking screenshots this time around. So let's get on with it.
...It's Andy's turn.
You voted for this.
Note: Blizzards will comprise of about 1/10 of this update and nothing more. Barely worth naming a whole mission about it.
We have a very small force today. At least we've got some bases to deploy dudes from.
Alright, let's get going.
Nell! Oh, my god, are you a sight for sore eyes. I missed y-
goddammit
Whatever it is, I'm sure it can go through me, squirt.
What, right now? You just learned this now. When his big fuckin' army just showed up to defend this place.
YOU KEEP SAYING THIS THOUGH
Alright, I guess I'll tentatively believe that this is the Definitely Final Battle With OlafTM For Real This Time Guys
What is this now, Monopoly?
Twelve properties. Is that including what we've got so far, or twelve properties plus our initial ones?
I'm very alert.
Thanks for the good luck, Nell. Please don't tell me you're about to fuck off again.
I went over this several screenshots ago, Max. Get with the program.
Right, let's do it. Property capturing time, boys.
The main problem on the map is this asshole. We will name him Asshole.
However, we don't have to worry about Asshole for a while yet. And therefore we'll get on with the exciting game that we're playing.
We're playing Fortune Street, I think, right?
Barold, go capture a property.
The Barold Brigade captures half a property, thus entirely failing in their directive. Or half-failing, I guess.
Why does it take two turns
Alfonse is joining us for yet another map! Because he needs to prove himself at some fucking point.
Go capture a property, Alfonse.
The Barry Band hop into Michael - we have some more far-away cities that I want to start capturing.
One of which is right here.
We dump him on the city. He can get started on that next turn.
I briefly considering deploying someone else, but then remember that I am cripplingly poor.
Olaf's turn.
Time to see everything go wrong, I'm sure...
olaf
captures
buildings
And hey! For once, his units' nigh-suicidal desire to capture cities, prioritising it above literally their own fucking survival, will actually come in useful for this map! Damn. I'm gonna have to actually be careful.
Asshole doesn't move. The tank and the artillery come forward though.
Day 2. Today we're going to capture some properties. Isn't that right, dipshits 1 and 2?
Dipshit 1 agrees. Well done, Barold.
Dipshit 2 agrees! Not bad, Alfonse. Room for improvement.
"Sup. What do you need?" Wilbert says.
"Shoot some stuff, and look good doing it." Tina replies into the transceiver, and several members of the army laugh. Wilbert holds back and blush and nods.
"Uh, yes, I think I might be able to do that."
That tank is in range to aggress Barry, so the Tina Team decide to intercept. If you need to tank something, who better than a tank?
Oh, speaking of, I should get Barry to start his capturing. We need lots of cities this time around.
The Gareth Group decide to use the Michael transport system. However, once I put him in, I realise that I don't know where I want to take him yet, especially with the enemy tank up above, so I just kinda leave Michael there.
it the big ice man turn
MY GOD HIS UNITS ARE ACTUALLY CAPTURING THINGS
AND IT'S - GET THIS - IT'S ACTUALLY AFFECTING THE OUTCOME OF THIS MISSION
That was basically the only thing that happened, though.
It would be very tempting to have Tina do this. Unfortunately, I need her to keep, uh, tanking for a while.
Barry finishes his capture, though. Not bad, Barry Band.
Bill could also do some solid damage here. I'd really rather get rid of, or weaken, that artillery, seeing as both Tina and Barry are in range.
So in the end I follow through with it, and the Bill Battalion gets some solid damage done.
Tina utterly bullies a poor defenceless enemy tank.
How could you, Tina.
Alfonse and Barold continue their quest to make a monopoly.
I then decide what I want to do with Michael. Seeing as the tank is still a) very fucking healthy and b) very fucking aggressive, we will be luring him using Michael.
Watch and learn, boys. A strategician like me never fails.
...Discounting the, like, 5 or 6 deaths we've had.
Tina gets shot at by the artillery.
It was, uh, slightly more damaging than the average gust of wind, I suppose?
The tank, as I CLEVERLY PREDICTED with my GALAXY BRAIN STRATS that only a TRUE PROFESSIONAL would continue to FREQUENTLY ABUSE EVERY MISSION, goes for Michael.
Everything goes for Michael. It's kind of his thing.
"However, it is actually surprising is that Michael survives for once." you say, staring at the screen with your dumb fucking face.
HAH! I laugh at you. I planned this. See what he's sat on?
Yeah. It's a city, goddammit.
You know what they do? THEY GIVE 4 DEFENCE STARS.
I'm sorry, I'm just really proud of myself
This is the first time I've intentionally used terrain defence to my advantage
Give me this, ok
Uh, right, it's my turn. What was I doing? I got distracted by my own brilliance.
Barry, shoot something whilst I try to remember what was happening.
The Barry Band go above and beyond by not just shooting something, but shooting a tank, and killing it.
Speaking of mechs shooting tanks, Gareth goes to shoot a tank.
It's like deja vu, am I right.
Alfonse wanders over to a base and decides it's something that we should own.
You know what? We need more units. We're vastly outnumbered by Olaf, and even if we don't need to kill all his units, we at the very least need to facetank them. Meatshields! Get out here!
The Cassandra Corps arrive on the field. "Good day." Cassandra murmurs. "...Ah. I see we are not fighting my fellow man, today. In that case, I shall be sure to give it my all. For the continuing glory of... well. Let us just begin."
"That girl is really fucking weird." Tina murmurs.
"Everyone who isn't us is really fucking weird." Wilbert says, shrugging.
"Lucy."
"It wasn't a competition." sighs Wilbert.
Bill opens fire on the enemy artillery to finish them off.
Nice work, Bill.
"Alfonse isn't that weird." Tina says, smirking.
"Oh my god, stop." Wilbert sighs, trying to hide his smile. "I was just making an offhand comment..."
We end the turn like this. I'm expecting some trouble to turn up soon, so I want to be prepared. Capturing that northern area is a priority right now.
Day 4. Here we gooooo.
More fuckheads capture more shit.
Hooray for them.
"Wait, what?" says Alfonse as he watches the tank bearing down on him.
"I'm sorry, did that tank just... not go for Michael?"
Michael is whiter than usual and he looks at his hands. "I'm sorry, I... don't know what happened. Hang in there, Alfonse!"
Indeed, for some ungodly AI reason that I still don't understand, the tank refused to go for Michael a second time and bullied Alfonse instead.
He will pay dearly for mildly inconveniencing my worst infantry unit.
It's my turn! That's the turn where things that are good happen!
Like this. Barry begins to capture some stuff. He's sliiiiiightly in the enemy's territory, but he has a pretty solid natural defence of trees, so nothing too threatening can reach him in a timely fashion.
Meanwhile, Gareth has more places to be.
I drop him off on this building to try and expedite the process of owning buildings.
Not owning them in the cool pwnage sense, just the regular ownership sense.
Barold helps.
Alright, time to get that revenge for Alfonse I was talking about.
Hm. I wonder who's more useless to my army, Andy, or Alfonse?
Andy, probably. At least Alfonse does stuff sometimes and has a functioning brain.
And Alfonse can finish capturing thisGOD FUCKING DAMMIT HE TOOK DAMAGE AND NOW IT'S GONNA TAKE AN EXTRA TURN
Cassandra finally decides to move. She comes to join us up north, where no fucking progress is happening.
And, mindful of Asshole, just sat right there on that bridge not doing anything, Tina moves up. We may need to bait him later.
Hey, guess what Olaf's units are gonna do.
If you guessed 'capture shit' you are entirely correct.
If you guessed 'half-capture shit', you're also right, well done!
If you guessed 'attack', you have entirely misunderstood Olaf's entire military battle plan.
Ooh. The tree cover prevents this tank from getting to Barry this turn. That's good!
And, emboldened by the lack of enemy response, Barry finishes the capture. This is pretty helpful - prior to this, Olaf needed 1 more building to win. However, now I've captured one of his own buildings, he needs 2. And hopefully if all goes well, that half-captured building up top will end up being mine...
Also this one
Come on, guys. You gotta work harder.
I guess Alfonse finally captured this thing. This is handy, actually; I can now make units here, which is a decent way into the map.
I move the Bill Battalion into range of Asshole; we're gonna lure and kill him.
I was going to bait with Tina, but I decided that Tina's damage output requires her to be at max HP to make full use of it.
Come on, Asshole. Take the bait.
This dick makes a city blue.
Asshole has taken the bait! I repeat, Asshole has taken the bait!
Uh, hang in there, Bill. I'm sure you won't die.
That WAS closer than I was expecting, but hey, that's fine. We have Wilbert and Tina in range, and what can't the dream team completely curbstomp?
Right, that medium tank has to go - that's the priority for now.
Wilbert does decent damage.
Wilbert follows through on that decent damage. I don't think Tina will be able to kill it on her own, though.
Ah, nah. Still, we can do a good enough amount.
"I'm sorry, did you just doubt my ability?" Tina asks. She turns to her tank team. "Alright, don't hold back! Give 'em everything!"
Welp, Tina, uh, did it. I have no idea how the fucking battle forecasts in this game work.
Come ON, Gareth.
I decide that Ingo needed to join the party.
"Hey guys."
Bill feels a clammy hand grip his heart as he turns and sees the artillery squad advancing up the battlefield.
"Ingo."
"I'm here for backup. Let me know where I can be useful." Ingo mutters. He is evidently not completely focussed on the battle at hand, and he doesn't acknowledge Bill at all.
I then realise that I've been focussing so much on the northern part of this map that I have entirely neglected poor Barry, who is being faced off by Olaf's entire army. Cassandra Corps, get down there and keep him company.
Gareth can do decent damage to this tank, actually. Should I go for it..?
I went for it.
The counter damage was nasty. I'm not sure I'm fond of him being that low on HP, but we'll see how it goes.
Bill also heads down. We need backup as soon as possible for Barry. He won't survive more than another turn down there.
Hey, I bet nobody's going to be surprised when Olaf's dudes capture some stuff.
wait no
oh, for fuck's sake
blizzard.png
And then Olaf's army proceeds to bully me in the snow.
Even Michael, uh...
I assume Michael got healed at some point. I swear he was on 5 already, and there's no way something did 0 damage to him.
He is a squishy, soft boi.
Barry gets aggressed by the tank! It could go badly...
"Barry, are you alright?" asks Cassandra. "I am concerned for your safety."
"This, kid?" Barry says, grinning. "This is where I live. The battlefield is my home."
And he lives! Hurray!
Today on "Moments that make people sigh aloud in disappointment", my dude forgets that infantry can move over mountains.
"G-gah!" gasps Barry, feeling the bullet enter his chest and exit out the back. He falls backwards and takes in a last breath. Turning around, he sees the city he won behind him, and ahead of him, the entire army of Olaf bearing down upon it.
"I..." he whispers.
"Barry! Barry!" Bill says. "No, we were... too late."
"Just..." says Barry, clutching the transceiver close as if the words of his allies could keep him alive. "Just win. OK?"
"We will." replies Wilbert. "...Thank you, soldier."
The Barry Band have been slain.
And none of my fucking units can move in this fucking snow jesus christ
In rage, the Wilbert Warriors go to shoot something. I'm not even sure Wilbert knows what he's firing at. He's just targeting anything blue. I put a stop to it, since I'm not 100% set on that yet.
Also, finally, Gareth captured something. We're making progress on our game. That is, uh, Fortune Street, if you'd forgotten.
We do yet more capturing.
OK, yeah, I'll give Wilbert what he wants. Go nuts.
"Die!" yells Wilbert, firing off his artillery's shells. "You keep taking my friends, and I will not fucking stand it any longer!"
I feel the message would have had more weight if he'd actually killed the enemy, but, eh, can't have everything.
Tina also joins the group of "people who are no longer fucking around".
I think we weakened these recons enough. They got the message loud and clear.
dicks.
Michael retreats. He's damaged, and I don't want to take risks with him. Despite him being pretty expendable.
"Were these the men who slew Barry?" asks Cassandra.
"Yes." Bill replies. "Secure the city, first, though, don't-"
Cassandra opens fire on the enemy. This was the damage with mountain defences... man, I love anti-airs.
I put Alfonse here. He might be able to sponge some bullets if they come his way or something.
The snow clears! Thank goodness. I was getting sick of all the white.
Alfonse's time to shine comes sooner than he thinks.
An absolutely beautiful facetaking, Alfonse. Well done.
The two recons combine. Unfortunately, they combined and ended up in the space that we call "in range of Wilbert". Or the murder circle, for those who remember that.
TANK FIGHT
Results: inconclusive.
I am getting absolutely sick to death of everything on this god damn map. How many buildings did I need again? 20? 25?
The Bill Battalion murder something to make me feel slightly better.
It works.
Tina completely brutalises this poor virgin tank.
Look at this. It's NSFW.
Wilbert realises something is in his range and goes fucking mental.
And that's the recons dealt with. Come on... so close now.
One more building down. I think we've captured almost enough by now.
Come on, Barold. We're going for a ride.
Gareth shoots this idiot.
This idiot takes a decent-to-moderate amount of damage.
God dammit come on
At least I haven't murdered enough things for Olaf to get his power off twice yet
...Nothing of worth happened, apparently. Well, I'm not complaining. Time to get on with things!
First things first, this guy!
I thought of a clever plan for this guy. It's even cleverer than my "use terrain to your advantage" plan that Nell literally teaches you in the second tutorial mission.
But first, the Ingo In-Crowd decides to get in on the blood-shedding action.
He seems to be enjoying it.
Hyper Repair! AKA the one reason I keep dipsh- I mean, Andy, around!
Wilbert, murder something!
Wilbert obstinately refuses to fully murder something.
Tina, murder something!
"That's how it's done, Wilbert." Tina replies, waving to him. "You need to get yourself a medium tank sometime, ya know."
"I'm not the kind to get my hands dirty." Wilbert mutters.
"A shame." Tina replies. "It'd be nice to see you get hands-on for once."
I drop Barold off at this city. Because we still have more to capture before we're done.
But hey, at least Gareth can murder something?
See, Wilbert, everyone can murder something if they shoot hard enough.
Even Alfonse! Nah, I'm kidding.
Alfonse decides to begin his ANIME REDEMPTION ARC by actually murdering something.
Yes, it was an infantry unit on 1 HP, but still. It's a big day for him.
Rose, come join us. I mean, we've already won the map, pretty much, but whatever.
And Er- oh. Right. Eric was...
Alright, then, I guess we need a new tank unit. Mind introducing yourself?
"Guten tag!"
"Oh my fucking god." sighs Barold.
"It is I, Von Panzer, of the Von Panzer Volksturm!" the man says, giving everybody a genial wave. He speaks with a thick accent, impossible to trace the origin of. "I will be here to help you on your, uh, quest? What is it that we are doing here?"
"We're killing dudes. Just kill dudes, alright? And watch out for my dude, he's a complete psychopath." explains Tina.
Olaf's turn.
YES, YES.
Alright, my genius plan that I mentioned earlier. Here it is in action.
My god, I'm so happy it worked out.
So, what exactly did I do? Well, I moved Bill back one space, so that the city was open for anyone to take. Why? Because anyone on the city is in range of the artillery and I'd rather not deal with that.
So I lured an infantry unit to come and try to steal it. He's got 10 more points that he needs to take before it's fully captured.
Cassandra can safely initiate on him and bring him down to 3 HP - he can't attack us because he's not gonna do any damage, and if we don't kill him, nobody else can actually reach us. Besides like, other infantry, who are also weak and pointless.
And because he's at 3 HP, it'll be 10 > 7 > 4 > 1 for the city - four turns to fully capture it. And I intend to have the map done before that happens.
As you can see on the left there, we need one more city to win.
Almost there.
I move Ingo in, just in case something goes horribly wrong.
Like, for example, arbitrary CO powers at annoying times.
Halfway to victory. Come on, Barold.
I need it like air.
Everybody laugh at the tiny blue man who can't even stomp on my city properly.
Ha ha ha.
The tank was annoying me.
Ingo opens fire with no hint of remorse in his eyes.
"Do you, uh, wanna calm it down a little?" asks Bill nervously.
Ingo doesn't respond.
There we go.
We're done here.
Olaf continues to ignore all of the perfectly legitimate times we have beaten him. I believe it's now 15?
He?
Wait, you report to a superior?
This game has a plot?
The way this reads directly after the previous line makes it seem like Grit is the superior in question. Which is amusing.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Ooh, saucy. Saucy ol' Grit giving some lip to Olaf.
Wait, no. I meant lip as in backtalk, I didn't-
Is he dead? I don't understand anything about this "him" that Olaf mentioned.
Spoilers: Grit will proceed to fail him.
So would you if you saw Tina and Wilbert bearing down on you.
Yep.
We get a new finish screen this time! Which is nice, I guess. We got some buildings, woo.
...Andy, I-
Are you seriously-
SNOW IS FUCKING COLD, ANDY
IT'S KIND OF THE POINT
It's not a question but I'm adding it to the list.
Andy’s Stupid Question Count: 7
we wonnnnnn
We will. I mean, you say this as if all the Grit missions weren't immediately preceded by an Olaf mission.
Everyone keeps calling you junior, but mostly because the game is PG and they're not allowed to call you dipshit.
Yeah, Max, what's your history with this guy? ...And Nell?
...friends...
"I mean, he talks like a fuckin' cowboy. It's 2019. What the hell, man?"
Nell already told you this last time we ran into him, dumbass
Andy’s Stupid Question Count: 8
That's not a dumb question, though, I'll accept that. Why is he? We'll never know. Unless we get told.
"Please! I need to beat this guy who massively outranges and outstrategises me! Let me do it!"
God dammit, we get no choice this time.
This'll be fun.
Until next time, people - looks like there's no vote this time, so I guess I'll see you all next week for some Max Gets His World Rocked By Grit Having Stupid Range, part 2.
***
The Barracks: Rose and Tina 1
Tina watches as Rose slowly lifts the dumbbell and put it back down again with a sigh.
“I don’t get it.” she says, disturbing the quiet. Rose doesn’t seem surprised, however, and turns to smile at the older woman.
“Do not get what?”
“You. You’re exercising with tiny little dumbbells, you drink wine like you’re 40 and a pretentious art critic and you look at me so smugly every single time we’re in medium tanks together.”
Rose smiles. “My apologies. Do you believe that I am entirely superior to you?”
Tina doesn’t know how to respond for a moment, and tries to control her temper. “No. I just… look, Rose, why are you here?”
“Why? I… have something to do. But in the meantime, I enjoy proving myself against those who should be older and more able than I. That Wilbert… you are fond of him, aren’t you?”
“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. What’s it to you?”
“Oh, it’s nothing to me.” Rose says. “None of you are anything to me, really. I just enjoy testing myself. And I believe I have already surpassed you, Ms. Tina.”
“Don’t call me Ms.” Tina says. “Just… ugh, leave me alone. Go back to being a pilot instead. You were less annoying when you did that.”
Tina strides out of the gym. Rose tilts her head, realising that she may have said something wrong. “I… did it again, didn’t I. Said something and forgot that people have emotions. Hm…”
Rose lifts up the dumbbell once again, and though it is light, her small frame just about manages to lift it. She begins to raise and lower it, wondering how she can fix things with Tina.