Part 10: Stop! You're not good enough!

Stop! You're not good enough!


I want to reiterate once again the personal sidequests are still under development, even though this game has supposedly left Early Access. They're trying to shove so much shit into the game after the fact that I suspect this game is going to get a lot more incoherent, but what do I know?

Welcome back! Last time on Black Geyser we ground experience points, wiping out an entire town in the process. Today we're going to see what happens when incompetent writers get their hands on time travel.



Meet Stephan. He's the leader of the mercenaries we were contracted to find, and indeed we could go back right now and report that we found them. But that's the evil way to do it, today we're doing it the stupid way.

: I know Otto told us this potion would likely worsen our condition, but it's the only possible cure we know of. If it doesn't work, the poison will do us in anyway...



I cannot tell if the game is going for a campy tone or if there was one writer who realized the entire thing was unsalvageable garbage so if we're going to be railroaded into it

: You look horribly ill! What happened to you?



: I don't want to be rude, but it sure isn't pretty. I guess there's not much sense in asking if you are alright?



: It doesn't look like you have long to tell it, but I suppose I have a few moments to spare.



: I swear, every time I climb into an old cave below a vineyard, it's the same story. Woe is me, I have stumbled upon an ancient evil, I need to tell you my story. Well, go ahead then.



Now, this part is absolutely baffling to me. Zoria is the daughter of the king and queen of the gods and she's literally the queen of the night. In no polytheistic belief system is the night deity a "minor" god that no one has ever heard of, but this is seemingly another Gygax-style weird deal where you're supposed to have the Jesus of many faces and you worship Thor like you would Jesus. Or something. The manual opens with the creation myth and the game wants its manufactured mythology to be critical to the story but it's all handled in the most artless way possible.

: What I know is that nothing good ever comes of getting mixed up in cults.



: Not enough. Care to enlighten me?

: Well, from what I gather, the Cult of Zoria was once much more prominent than it is today. Some hundred years ago they were a force to be reckoned with. But as they say, the wolf may think it's dangerous until it meets a lion.

: Some of the cultists found what they thought was an abandoned fortress far to the north and attempted to take it over. It's not clear what happened exactly, but there's an old story of some madman fleeing down the road from there, screaming about Rothgor.

: I found a written account of it in the Great Library, from a scholar who visited the madman in an asylum. The records mentioned all of this and also noted that the lunatic's eyes and hands appear to have been removed by human teeth, based on the markings. Don't ask me how that's possible. I don't like to think about it.

...so, zombies?

Also google seems to think mental asylums were invented around the 1800s and this setting doesn't even have guns or the printing press.



: So how did you end up in this cave?



Ah, yes, magic poison traps, as you do.

: I take it the rest of this story didn't go so well.



So I want to mention that we do have a cleric of the king of the gods with the divine power of said king of the gods at her disposal, who introduced herself as a healer, and the only option we have is to ask Bjalla. Bjalla's not a doctor!

: Maybe we could try. Bjalla, want to take a look?



Again, we have our superhawt destined waifu and Siracca the magical healer. Are you sure they wouldn't catch something where Otto failed?

: What do you mean?



Are we certain no one else has records of this?

: We got here and set to searching, though the poison had made us weak. Otto managed to find a hidden cache, with a book, an old potion and some sort of strange stone inside. He got all excited and said there was a recipe for a cure in the book, but that the stone was much more interesting. I'd be surprised if that was true, since the note said something about a ritual to summon a goddess somewhere close, but I never know what to make of Otto's thoughts.

It's because Otto is a god damn moron.

: Anyway, no sooner had he determined what was in the book, some damn bandits came around a corner! We tried to fight them off but this poison... ugh. They knocked Otto out. We thought they might have killed him but I heard him screaming a while back.



So I stole this map from the guide on Neoseeker, which is full of spoilers if you care for some reason. The thing I want to point out is that there's only one entrance to this underground location, and that's the way we came - through a cellar in a vineyard. So we're expected to believe that the bandits broke into the vineyard, made their way to the cellar, captured Otto without anyone alerting the local authorities OR the passing bands of adventurers that seem to be all over this area for whatever reason?

For that matter, what is the purpose of this cave under the wine cellar? It's certainly not to store wine!



If you're playing along I strongly encourage you not to do what I'm about to do.

: Of course. If he has the antidote to your poison, I can't let you just die here.

: Thank you! Otto and the bandits should be somewhere past all the water.




We have to wander through the dungeon, and meet enemies like these wonderful spitter snakes that always pop up in areas you can't reach and troll you for being a melee player.



These guys spew a bunch of bullshit about how this has all happened before and will all happen again, and if you really want to see that you can watch Tricia Helfer explain it in Battlestar Galactica instead.



This dwarf has a fetch quest that is gated off by this part of the main quest. We will not be doing it because I legitimately do not care and I think I've made my point that most if not all of the sidequests in this game are terrible.



The bandits supposedly knocked out Otto but he's standing here with them fully conscious as they wait patiently to receive our shock assault.



The most irritating thing about this game is that I feel like I can't trust anything the game's telling me, not because the developers have successfully pulled off something like Age of Decadence where all the NPCs are self-interested and trying to use you, but because everything is a sloppily written contradictory mess. Somehow these bandits got past the heavily armed adventuring band we killed outside that was literally camping the area for days, the heavily armed wizard thieves to the north of the vinyard, whatever security the local rich landowner deployed, made it to this cave that has nothing, kidnapped this cleric from a party of armed mercenaries who somehow repelled their attack despite dying of magical poison, and then stood around saying nothing to him until we came along.

: The gods truly are kind. Why were the bandits going to kill you?



I can believe it, seeing as this is supposed to be vaguely medieval and books are hard and scarce to reproduce.

: Ok. But what does that have to do with-



Oh god no.

: Wait, wait, what? Go back in ti-





: PLEASE still your mind and mouth, sir cleric.



: Don't worry about it. Just speak calmly. And slowly.

: Well, I'm sure Stephan told you how I was accosted and taken hostage by those ruffians. No sooner had they driven off my companions, a man I assumed to be their leader saw the magical stone I found and began asking most uncomfortable questions!

But wait! We didn't mention Stephan at all! He assumes Stephan sent us, but maybe we wanted the magical stone too. Maybe we're just bandit hunters. For all he knows we could be fugitives trying to hide in the cave.



: I understand why the book is important, but what's so interesting about the rock?



No. No. Do not do this, game. You can't even keep consistent character motivations or remember whose name the player character knows, and you're stupid enough to fuck with time travel?

: Bjalla, have you ever heard of anything like that?

: I have heard rumors, but such magic would have dire consequences that few would be willing to accept. I doubt the stone does what you say it does, or that the stories are real.



: I will go get them back immediately. Wait here.



And no one mobilized the town watch seeing a bunch of bandits coming out of the winery. What happened to the people who work in here anyway?




We have to get to the Moonstone Clearing, and that's three different loading screens. Remember, these are the same devs who are telling everyone they need to install the game on an SSD because of "engine limitations".



Long story short.



The book is burned, he has the rock, we call him an idiot and he attacks us and gets the whole crew slaughtered. I don't know why he would burn the book seeing as he's literally 300 feet away from a merchant who buys books (Region, the guy who asked us to kill some other bandits earlier) and it's a preindustrial society where books are rare and valuable and could be sold for money, but what do I know? It would ALMOST work if he resented the educated and felt inferior, but every time the game discusses class it's like a five year old who spelled "piss" correctly in crayon and won't shut up until mommy hangs the paper on the refrigerator.



The game magically confirms it's a time stone, which raises so many questions, like "how did Stephan kill any of them if they had survivors able to use time travel to redo the fight until they won?"



We get ambushed by "Zoria Moon Horrors" on the way back because the game didn't require us to sit through loading screens enough.



Otto is reunited with his buddies, dropping the average IQ of this little gathering further into the negatives as... just watch.

: I have some good news and some bad news.



: Yes, but unfortunately the bandits burned the book in a campfire. So all knowledge of the antidote is lost.



: ...wonderful?



: Could we get to the part where you tell me what the silver lining is? Because without the recipe for that antidote, I believe you and your friends may not last the night.



Oh just wait. It gets worse.

: Why does it seem like the next thing you're about to say is going to be something I don't want to hear?



The game is not joking and I have a theory as to why.

: Bjalla, do you know any way around that?

: No. To be honest, I cannot read the runic language inscribed on the stone to begin with. Only Otto here has any chance of getting us there. So I know too little of this curse to say if there is any way to circumvent the negative effects it might have. And, unfortunately, that likely means the destruction would affect...





: So what do we do about the curse on the stone? It seems visiting the past is useless if the antidotes are destroyed on the way back.



So yes. If you want to save your magical gear, it needs to go into the crate. Yes, there will be combat in the time travel zone, fuck you!

Also, there's a solution that we haven't considered. What if we just went back and killed all the cultists before they set the traps? Then Stephan and company would never be poisoned! Or, if we cause a paradox by having no one sent out here, sabotage the poison so it doesn't work!

: Oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Let's go!

DO NOT DO THIS. I skipped the screen where Otto repeats what to leave behind, but you'd think the game would show a cutscene of placing your stuff in the chest, right?

: Wonderful! Now, if I ::cough:: have this correct, all I need to do is trace the lines of the rune with my finger just so and...

How does Otto know how to operate a legendary time machine? Fuck if I know! No one bothers to ask him this, or to ask him questions like "how do I get back".





I'm very confused. How do you know this?

: Well, that's not great news.





Otto turns into another Zoria moon horror and attacks us, and I have to say killing him is the most satisfying part of this update.


Ready?



Fuck you! The game destroyed every single magic accessory we had. That unique amulet from the manticore at the Espen estate? Gone. Bjalla's earrings of summoning? Gone. The Rings of Defending on the fighters that gave us +10% resistance to physical damage? Gone. Remember when Otto said our stuff would be destroyed on returning? The game doesn't.

Also hilariously that bracelet in our inventory with the star is magical and somehow not destroyed.

I suspect the people at GrapeOcean Technologies should strongly consider new employment.

Fortunately we didn't lose a lot of uniques - just the mindmaze amulet, which stings but is bearable - and I am not reloading to deal with this crap again.



This guy challenges us but we persuasion at him until he goes away.



We immediately get dragged into a cutscene by this woman.

: You! What are you doing here?



Shit.

: Nonsense! I'm simply a fresh acolyte. Hail Zoria! (Bargain and Persuasion)

: Oh, you're quite good with words, aren't you? I like that. But let's cut to the chase.



Naturally, the developers were too cheap to animate this. Even fucking Numenera animated this crap!

: That's a neat trick. Telekinesis and you hid it somehow? Or teleportation? I'd like to learn that.

: Very perceptive. But don't worry, I'm not stealing it from you. Not exactly. Give me a moment to examine it, though.

: Hmm. It's old. Time magic, but not from the time you're from, nor from recently. Is that... a ward? Yes, it is. And a very strong one.

This is all voice acted. Isla has a Russian accent. I don't know why.

: I'm guessing that whoever last used this stone is rather dead at the moment. Which is tragic, because I could circumvent most of the curse myself. Not all of it, but it would be no danger to me. I can do nothing about the destruction of magical items while returning you to your time, but I could still return you.



: You could really tell all of that from the stone?



Our "cover" is that we're new acolytes in a cult that practices human sacrifice. I'd imagine discipline would be harsh.

Also, the game really wants you to hit on Isla.

: Sure! But might we go somewhere more private? This cave isn't very romantic.

: Oh, no. I believe you are flattering yourself. As undoubtedly appealing some might find that offer, I have something very different in mind.

Is it another fetch quest? Yes



Why not? How do you know we're not going to cause some kind of paradox? Are you with the Cult of Zoria? You're hanging around their evil base where they're brewing potions and got past their doorman somehow.



: Something dangerous?

: Oh, probably not. But this is not something I can do myself.



This is where the game starts cryptically foreshadowing the "plot" and desperately aping J.J. Abrams. The problem is that no one gives a fuck about the mysteries because the developers have already proven their collective asses aren't good for any kind of check they want to cash.

: Just after supper, I think.



Yea I do! You need to swear allegiance to Ranni, then go to Nokron and get the fingerslayer blade, give it to her a -



I thought you said this wasn't dangerous?

: Survive? Wait...

: Seek the source of the mists before they grow too thick to pass. Ask when you find it: when does the dark moon rise? Good luck, traveller.




Guess what?



We're in the dream world now! I'm not even joking.



There are a bunch of nightmare wraiths that attack us for no reason and then drop unique items.



They all belonged to Hilevi, Demigoddess of battle. They look powerful, but if you try to equip them you get a little message in the log that says "This item can only be equipped by Demigods".



Literally nothing about this makes sense, but wait, there's more!



Sorry, it's "the Dreaming".



This would be a ballin sword, which is why you can't use it and no, you cannot become a Demigod as far as I'm aware.



: What are you? Some kind of devil?



But... why?

: Wait! I was sent here to ask a question and I believe it was you I was supposed to ask.



: When does the dark moon rise?

: Only when the Pendulum ceases to swing. But I will say no more.

: Prepare to be removed.




You might wonder why I'm just sitting here while this boss fight looking guy runs at the party.



It's an unwinnable boss fight. I don't think anyone can actually take 4 digits of damage, not even the final boss. This does provide me with a theory of why the developers destroyed all your magic items, however. See how the boss is dealing "Pulse and Blow" damage?



As far as I can tell he completely ignores resistances and it's a cutscene, but my guess is that in earlier builds people were breaking the game by walking in with 100% resistance so they couldn't be killed.

https://steamdb.info/patchnotes/7366297/



Oh, never mind. Holy shit! They actually had to patch it so the game didn't destroy your weapons and stuff too? I guess there are sleepwalker related bugs in patch 13, so my theory that they destroyed all your magic weapons because they were morons who couldn't or didn't want to implement typeless damage goes out the window. Still, what a terrible quest.



I don't want to find out what dumb shit happens if we ask the Sleepwalker a dumb question and fail Isla, but we sit here and watch the entire party get bodied.



: Wait. Wait just a minute. I just died. What in the name of Rothgor just happened?



Fine.

: Only when the Pendulum ceases to swing.

It wouldn't shock me if Isla just sent you right back in again until you did it right.

: Oh. That is... troubling. Most troubling. But very well. We did make a deal and you deserve to understand what you just went through.



So yes, we just did a time travel Inception quest that destroyed all our magical items.

If a DM pulled this in real life I suspect they would get beaten to death in a parking lot.

: Why was the answer to that riddle so important?



Yeah this isn't the last time we see Isla, I am sorry to say.

: And why were you unable to visit it yourself?



The game desperately wants us to be hooked on this mystery but it's just more fantasy bullshit.

: I know of it. But I never expected to see it. It's said that mortals can only reach it by accident. (Learning and Research)



: I think I have heard enough. We had a deal, though.

: We still do.



: Not yet. I still have things to do.

: Very well. Come see me again when you are ready to leave.


So we could go find the girl that dwarf was rambling about in the cellar but we're not going to do that on the grounds of "fuck fetch quests".

Let's go do the fetch quest for the stupid antidote.



This involves slogging through cultists. The game won't tell us this now, but we have gone 50 years in the past. What effect does killing these people have on the timeline? I don't know! The cult was supposedly active hundreds of years ago, so it's not like we destroyed the original Zoria cult.

Of course people dress the exact same way, why wouldn't they?



Now, a smarter developer would have just said something about "the potion is volatile and won't survive the return trip" instead of "the time stone curses all your magic items" but who knows? We need a way to get this thing back.



We can't convince Dirk to come to the future but we can persuasion at him that the world is going to be destroyed unless he plants the potion on the Eternal Ones. Remember them? The people who were in the Wine Cellar cave rambling about how time is a cycle or whatever? That apparently no one bothered to interact with? There's a book on them in the Deron-Guld library but from what I remember they're your bog-standard mysterious magic crap.



Now we can go back to Isla.

: Yeah. I've had enough of this time for one day. Or days. I'm really not sure long I have been here or what time really is, anymore.

: Oh, my darling woman, you don't know the half of it.

Wait, you know how all this shit works, more than just being able to activate our stone?

: You best be off, then. You have the look of one with somewhere to be.






: Well, I traveled back to the past, killed Otto, met a very impatient sorceress...



: The Time Stone was cursed by Zoria. As soon as he used it, he transformed into a horrible beast. I was forced to put him down.



: I think so, but I need to go retrieve it. I'll explain later.

: Please hurry back!



Oh, yeah, we definitely failed the mad dwarf quest.



We go to the Eternal One and he gives us the antidote.



: I did. Here it is.

: Gods be blessed!



The power of the writers cures the NPCs of their arbitrary bullshit curse. If you got the antidote smashed they all die and you have a quest to go take a letter to Stephan's house where his wife cries because he won Isilmerald's very first Darwin Award.



: I was happy to help.



: Thank you, Stephan.

: May the gods bless you for saving us. One last thing: while I think we are still too weak to pursue them, the cultists meant to summon their goddess in the nearby forest. If you hurry, you might be able to catch them before they complete their task.

: Safe travels, friend.




The staff is alright. It halves your damage against undead but I have no idea if that includes spell damage or not. It's presented as a cool unique item, except when we get to the endgame dungeon literally everyone drops them.



We find all the cultists and they're dead with evil demon footprints leading north.



This leads to a fight against a Shadowfury Demon, which is a boring tank and spank experience made trivial by this game's resistance system.



Now, the manual tells us the Cacodemons work for Rothgor, not Zoria. It's kind of foreshadowing, but a competent game would have given us literally anything to go on. This is just a series of random events.



It's helpfully carrying this cursed ring that Siracca uncurses so it gives us +4 physique with no downsides.



It doesn't work on Inta because apparently stats are capped at 20, so I give it to Bjalla so she can have more than 5 hit points.



: I tracked Stephan and his mercenaries to a save under Vintner's Grove. They had been poisoned by a terrible affliction, but I managed to save them.

It's right back to business as usual! That's the part that gets me about this quest, despite the fact that we just learned that time travel is possible, we never actually look into it again or bother to maybe try it. We know it can be safely done because Isla just did it.



: We managed to track down their remnant to a grove, where they had attempted to summon their goddess. Mercifully, they had failed the ritual and all were slain.

All of the reasons not to do time travel (the magic item curse, Zoria's mutation thing) are explained by eternal forces sabotaging the time machine. Could we build our own? Could we track down Isla? She did say we would meet again. What about that sleepwalker guy? Would he know how to use time magic? Where did Isla learn this? What about Bjalla's wolf - it's a nigh immortal spirit with human intelligence. Would it know? Could we go back to the Hall of Records or Wardenhaft?

: Ah, the world is rid of them again. I hope for the last time.

I want to rant about time travel and how our character could be tempted to go back in time and stop Lord Espen's death or the curse on the king, but I would be remiss if I didn't ask how Frelsi's Friend knows this. How do you know that was all the cultists? Did they only have two cells? Do you have a mole on the inside high up?

Or is this just another "the writers MADE it happen" moment?



Oh, yes, we're traitors now, better go all in and support Deron-Guld.

: Take this and go speak with Lord Frelsi.



No! That's bad! We're supposed to be here as emissaries for the king! Now we're traitors! What are the consequences of this? Nothing




Stephan is greatful, but not greatful enough to replace the items Otto wrecked.



I do discover that there's a menu to turn off Bjalla running into melee, which is buried under a bunch of crap. I frantically turn in the Bloodfoam stone (another fetch quest), try to grab replacement accessories, and discover that somehow the lady in Poison River Town died off camera after asking us for a quest.



Amazing!



: Ah, there were some necromancers in one of the abandoned mines. They were kidnapping citizens, killing them and raising them as ghouls. But I'm afraid it didn't seem to have much to do with the plague.

Did Frelsi's Friend not tell him this?

: Necromancers? In the mines? That is most disturbing. Hmm.

: Well, thank you for all you have done. I must consult with the War Council. If the disappearances were not linked to the plague, then I believe we are out of options unless we beg external aid.

Why am I helping with this? This sounds like it's going to prolong the war. We don't want the rebellion to be able to fight, but we just spent the last few updates solidifying traitor control of the city.



: Very well. I'll leave for the Garden of Delights as soon as I'm able.

: Excellent. May Alnarius light your way.




As one final fuck you we need to go to the Garden of Delights, which I desperately hit up to replace our lost items. Unfortunately we need to go through the Valley of the Singing Trees which has some pointless encounters and a merchant with a Ring of Defending.



It's a bunch of colorful tents that probably have some lame stereotype associated with them.

Next Time: