Part 38: Immovable Object vs. Immovable Object

Okay, here's the situation: According to the tech tree, it'll take 22 turns to research Dynamite. I happen to know that at least one or two of the other nations already have some of the prerequisite technology for it. I have been struggling fiercely to catch up to Austria. I have several cannons already in place, though, so once I do get it researched I need only pay some gold to turn those cannons into city-destroyers.



Stealing Scientific Theory from Austria will help us tech up faster, too. Oh, she'll be pissed, but I don't care!



…Haw!

New Policy Time!



Wonderful! In the lack of industry I can just buy my army!



Autocracy!? She is evil! I knew it! I didn't think going for autocracy when you're trying for a culture victory would be a good idea, but whatever. I'm going to have to kill her now for sure. Those Honor policies, though…her army will be pretty strong.

Even if, if she never attacked me, she'd still be in a great position for winning either a culture victory or a science victory. I can't allow that.



Here I just staged a coup in Sydney with my super-spy. You see, any nations that are allied with Austria will go to war with us when we attack her. Getting them all on our side is important. Plus it means she can't purchase them.



Looks like Queen Asskicking is getting her own ass kicked by Austria, too. Nrrg.



Okay, Austria just conquered Edinburgh and forced the Celts into a peace treaty. And I get notified that Maria has researched a Modern Era tech. No time to waste, now that my artillery pieces are upgraded, I need to attack NOW.



Well, first, would you like some sugar and spice for some money? Thanks. Now...

I declare war on you!!!



Almost immediately our happiness drops down to 1 because I lose all the happiness I was getting from traded goods with her empire. Eeek.



Yow. But a lot of that is obsolete. My artillery still way outclasses her cannons. I pound Lienz for a bit and capture it.



Screw giving it back to Attila! I'm just going to burn this sucker.



Austria had allied with Cahokia and it's right next to my capital! D'oh! I'm sending a Mehal Sefari over there to deal with them. They fight even better next to the capital!

My army pushes forward, getting perilously close to Vienna, their capital. Then:



Haha. You think you're hot shit, asking for everything I've got? Well, right now your fatass empire is bigger than mine--that makes my troops mad!



Here you can see Austria's unique unit, the Hussar. It's no match for me and mine, though, and I'm chewing them up. She seems to have produced a holy hell of a lot of them, though.



Austria's army may be huge but it's all spread out. Mine is concentrated in a few key areas, like a fist, and I'm punching through her feeble resistance! Haha! The only trouble is, all this rough territory near Vienna slows my approach. It does also provide cover for my troops, though.



Finally, a great scientist! I'm burning him up NOW. I need to get Great War Infantry.



One handy use for spies is they reveal enemy cities, so your artillery doesn't need a spotter nearby.



Who the hell is building the Louvre? Siam, in their new capital?



Translation: We are doing better! She's already researched Great War Soldiers but is still focused upon her massive army of Hussars, and most of them seem to be in the place where Siam and Celtland used to be.



Finally, our happiness won't stink. This boosts it from 2 to 22.



Here's a trick! Getting artillery to shoot over mountain ranges! Palo Alto's not as impregnable as they thought!



Palo Alto is mine, fool! ANd Vienna is starting to burn!



Hongsawadee. Also another originally Hunnic city. Burning it too.



God-damn, Austria is buying everything that's not nailed down. GARRRRGGH. Their empire keeps growing in strength everywhere even as I pound their capital.



FINALLY. God-damn it, FINALLY. It's mine. MIIIINE. It cost me way too much time and effort to take it, however. Way, way too much.



Aaah! Where the hell were these guys? It's the counterattack army! And there's more behind them!



FUUUUCK.

Austria has used its massive army--finally upgraded to artillery and modern infantry--to retake its capital. With its capital retaken, all of the happiness boosters I was counting on are gone too and I'm back into the negatives. And it looks like she's got bombers and battleships backing her up.



So then I pound it and take it again. UGH. But it's got no population left, it's weak as hell, it'll fold to their onslaught.



And she takes it again. RAARRGH. I can't do this, I can't outproduce her, I can't out-science her, I can't out-culture her, I can't even out-religion her. I caught her with her pants down initially, but no more. It'll be a long, slow slog, but now that she has an enemy in me she's doing well to have a huge up-to-date army that I cannot defeat, she's so mad she won't accept any peace terms at all now, and I can't erase her from existence or play the defensive culture game.

I'm done. I'm calling this one a loss. Stick a fork in it!

What I'd have done different: Not sure. With Petra and Desert Folklore I had an incredible starting city, but that wasn't enough. I shouldn't have taken "Peace Loving," that's for sure, since my two next-door neighbors were total assholes that I needed to eradicate. Maria had the advantage almost from the start. With a very defensible position and superior technology and culture, she was on top of it all. I had to waste my time rebuilding after losing Original Harar and supporting an army to keep the hordes off my back, while she could merrily produce every wonder in the world.

And she's not even the most advanced person on the planet. That's Darius, who has his island to himself, making him invincible. RARRRRGH.

Next Time: Five men with ridiculous accents have a huge pissing contest over who can beat the others at their own game…with SCIENCE!