Part 3: Note: To play along with this level at home put in password D1300C6G into the title screen of Doug's Big Game

Note: To play along with this level at home put in password D1300C6G into the title screen of Doug's Big Game

Dear Journal,

It's me. Doug. Mr. Dink was awkwardly trying to dial his iPhone with his tongue to order a pair of robotic hands, so I decided to go home to try and relax for a little bit. I had to get my head together.



Dad was standing in the living room pacing back and forth. Dad loves pacing almost as much as he loves beet casserole!




Doug: Hey, how's it going?
Dad: Fine. Doug, you don't look so hot. Is anything wrong?
Doug: I'm OK. I've been running around looking for Patti. Have you seen her at all?
Dad: Yeah - I saw her at Swirly's. Hurry and you might catch her!

Again! How did I keep managing to miss her? I went back to Lucky Duck to go to Swirly's.




Mr. Swirly himself was there, looking dapper as usual. I still miss the Honker Burger, but Swirly is doing a decent enough job of keeping us filled to the brim with the sucrose and trans fats we need for extra go power.




Mr. Swirly: Doug, you're just in time!
Doug: Mr. Swirly, have you seen Patti?
Mr. Swirly: She just left. She didn't say where she was going, though. Can you do me a favor?
Doug: What is it?
Mr. Swirly: Take these Beetsicle samples around town. If you give them all away, I'll treat you and Patti to the Swirly special sundae!
Doug: Really?
Mr. Swirly: Of course! And perhaps someone around town will help you find Patti.
Doug: That's true. I'll do it then.
Mr. Swirly: Great! I'll just give you four for now. Try to deliver those Beetsicles before they melt!

I have to admit, I was pretty hyped. Mr. Swirly usually only gave out his Swirly special sundaes to celebrate Jewish holidays that fell on odd calendar dates or the birthdays of Color Me Badd members. They technically contain more banana flavor than is allowed by state law!

I went outside and ran into Chalky Studabaker. Mr. Perfect was doing some kind of weird tai chi looking excercises.




Doug: Hey, Chalky. Wanna try Swirly's new Beetsicles?
Chalky: No thanks, Doug. I'm training for the Ultimo Wacky Wizzer Tournament.
Doug: Oh. OK. Good Luck.

I probably should have asked him if he'd seen Patti, but my back was already turned to him and the beetsicles were melting! I didn't have a second to waste!

I went to the payphone and called Skeeter.




Mr. Bone: Yodel-ay-he-who is calling for Lamarr bone? I'm not home so leave a message.
Doug: Yikes. Really wrong number!

Damn my butterfingers! I figured maybe Porkchop had seen something. He'd been following me around, but I hadn't talked to him for a couple of hours.




Doug: Finding a missing person is hard! Where could Patti be?
Porkchop: ...
Doug: Right. If you knew we wouldn't still be here. Let's keep looking.

Then it hit me. The Sleech Twins are a couple of lardasses! They'd love a creamy beet treat. I went downtown to head to Moody.




Al and Moo were standing still and staring at the wall.










They stared back into space as if they were in a trance. I tapped on Al shoulder to make sure he was still awake. Suddenly he let out a loud snort and said:



Why are all smart people so unbelievably bizarre? I went to the mall and headed to Racoon Records.




Connie was still in there, but Roger Klotz had somehow insinuated himself in the situation. Shit. He was digging through the world music section ripping open the CDs and switching the liner notes. I decided to take my chances with Connie first.




Connie: Hi, Doug. Did you hear what they're doing at the mall?
Doug: No. What's happening there?
Connie: They're opening an all-you-can-eat beet bar in the food court!
Doug: Interesting, but I think I'll pass. Thanks for the tip, though.

For some reason I didn't ask her about the Beetsicles or Patti, but whatevs. It was time to face Roger. He'd been even more of a jackass ever since his mom won the lottery. But I thought he'd at least be nice for free dessert.




Doug: Hey Roger. Want to try a free Beetsicle?
Roger: No way, Funnie. I can afford to pay cash for my ice cream. What are you doing with those, anyway?
Doug: I'm helping Mr. Swirly promote a new flavor.
Roger: Sure you are. You just got suckered into handing out all the old rotten stuff. Now your friends will get sick and blame you. Ha ha!
Doug: Uh, oh. Maybe he's right. What if I'm stuck defending myself against an angry nauseous mob???

click below to find out what would happen if that thing happened:



I woke up again and talked to Roger.



Roger: Hey, Funnie. i just said I don't want any. Beat it.
Doug: I only have one Beetsicle left. Too bad you don't want it.
Porkchop: ...
Doug: Well let's keep going. We've been almost everywhere now. I'm sure we've been almost everywhere now--I'm sure we'll run into Patti soon.

The last Beetsicle was melting fast. It was almost liquid now. Swirly was gonna give me a serious beat down if I didn't hurry.

I decided to call Skeeter.




Doug: Hey again Skeet. No luck getting Roger to take the Beetsicle.
Skeeter: Too bad. I'd try downtown next. Maybe you'll find some Beetsicle fans there.
Doug: I hope so!

I went downtown and the blue girl jumped out in front of me. Ugh.





Blue Girl: What's the good word, Doug?
Doug: Uh, I don't have one right now.
Blue Girl: Too bad. Hope your day gets better!
Doug: Thanks see you later.

What a daffy bitch. Then I noticed Fentruck meditating under a tree. Lucky for me, that fool will eat anything.




Doug: Fentruck! Want a Beetsicle?
Fentruck: Oh, my yes! What a tasty sensation! Thank you.
Doug: Sure. By the way, I'm trying to find Patti. Have you seen her?
Fentruck: I enjoy Tater Twisties with her at Swirly's. She's not still there?
Doug: Nope. Bye Fentruck. Enjoy the Beetsicle.

I decided to go back to Swirly's to tell him I was done.




Doug: I got rid of all of them, Mr. Swirly. Unfortunately, I didn't find Patti.
Mr. Swirly: Too bad. Well, as soon as you find her, come back in for your treat! Thanks. IF I ever find her!

Note: To play along with the next section enter password 23501695 into the title screen of Doug's Big Game.

Mr. Swirly left to go to a meeting. As soon as his car was gone Fentruck climbed in through the fucking window! I ran for the door before I could find out what he was up to, but he saw me.




Fentruck: Hey, Doug. Where are you going?
Doug: I don't know, actually. I'm looking for Patti.
Fentruck: Patti? I just saw her in your neighborhood.
Doug: Are you sure? How long ago?
Fentruck: I'm postive it was just a few minutes ago.
Doug: Great, thanks.

I'd finally gotten a solid lead! I ran back to Jumbo Street and sure enough Patti was waiting for me outside. I became hard instantaneously.





Doug: Patti, weren't we supposed to meet this morning?
Patti: There was a bumper sticker parade in Bullseye Park, so I went to Lucky Duck instead.
Doug: How was I supposed to know that?
Patti: I thought you'd figure it out. You know I hate bumper sticker parades!
Doug: Well, sorry, I didn't.
Patti. That's OK. I guess I'll see you around. Bye.
Doug: Well, I'm not a mind reader. At least she wasn't mad at me. Was she?