Part 1: Session 0

Alright, you backstabbing bastards, listen up. The rest of us who came in early have decided that I should give the introduction speech, since they all hate me the least. Now me? I hate 'em all equally. But fuck it; it's my fault I'm here, it's their fault you're listening to me, so all you shitstains had better hear me out.

Since not all of you are smart enough to follow the news, lemmie start out with a basic outline of what's happened over the past few years. It all started when that stargate thing just flew into our system without any warning. Yeah, jackass, it does work kinda like the one in that movie, 'cept it's floating in space insteada bein' down here. Of course, it didn't work, so our best guess is that the stupid alien dicks who built it died out long before it actually got here, seein' as it was still traveling slower than light. On the other hand, it did provide some missing technology that let us build our own hyperdrives, which are faster than light. I'm gonna call it FTL from now on, by the way, since you political pricks don't deserve 12 more letters.

Anyway, it turns out that the project lead on the FTL drive was into some hippie "love and peace" bullshit, so he stole the prototype ship and went flying around through space, sharing the new tech with all sorts of alien freaks and preventing us humans from having any kind of advantage over the rest of those punks. The dumbass wound up getting his ass fried and his brain picked apart by some Gray creeps, so we can't even do anything about him. Still, he did send back some basic info on the sorts of things he found out there, so we at least know about where we stand compared to the rest of 'em.



First off, it looks like most of the alien races have actually unified to at least some extent, which works in our favor, since we've gotten so good at shouting until the other bastard gives in. This also means we're better at formation fighting than average, as well as setting up trade systems. Having built the first hyperdrives means that we'll always be a little further ahead in terms of ship speeds, too. We've only just gotten started on our space projects, though, so we're a little behind on that. Hopefully you various dickwads will get your governments to grant more funding and get us back in the race for that.

You also musta noticed by now that we don't exactly have every single country represented here. Hell, we got some corporate taintlickers here, too, and some have more reps than others. Well, it doesn't match up with those pussies at the UN, but if you did some checking, you'd notice that it "coincidentally" matches with the contributions that governments and private sources made to build Earth's first starport, plus our first few ships (including the one that "peace and love" fucker ran off with). You might say this is more of a stockholder's meeting than a real senate. Still, it's up to you kissups to figure out what to do next in space, since we all figure humanity's gotta be united for once if we don't want Earth wiped off the starcharts.

Now here's the part where all the other sphincterfaces are gonna try and convince you to vote for them as senate president. Me, I'm just gonna sit back here and laugh at alla ya. No, Yang, go right ahead. I ain't gonna stop you.



*Ahem* I would first like to thank our first speaker for his…colorful introduction. I and my colleagues indeed seek to get your approval for the executive office. It will have a strong influence on the future of our species, I am sure.

I am Shen-Ji Yang, in the English order of names, and I represent the very fine nation of China. In my role as representative, I will ensure that our vast population will be heard in these interplanetary matters. I was chosen for my intelligence and skill at negotiation, and I am sure I will be using such resources to engender cooperation in…with my political brethren.

However, I believe I speak for myself and my brethren in the more…independent-minded governments when I say that any future colonies must be allowed to flourish under the direction of their respective parent nations, rather than being directed only by this council. This will permit trade to expand even within the various colonized planets, boosting our future economy. I have formed the Federalist Party so all like-minded senators may join my vision.



My name is Lady Deidre Skye, a representative from the United Kingdom. Remarkable progress has been made in the last several decades towards sustainable industry and agriculture, and my work in the second of these areas has given me the honor of joining this legislative body.

I believe that renewable resources will prove to not only improve our standards of living, but it will also improve our productivity, in spite of what others say on the matter. If you elect me your leader, I will ensure that all effort is placed on developing the production of the colonies, as well as here on Earth, in a green, sustainable manner. I have decided to call my party the Industrialists, and any who wish to oversee our industries is welcome to join.



I am CEO…former CEO Nwabudike Morgan. You may recall my former company's major contributions to the starport project? I have heard many speak poorly of my former business in weaponry, calling it "war profiteering," but I must ask you, how may a man defend himself if he is unarmed against a weapon-toting enemy? And surely such a value as defense must carry a price to fit the value? And many other things carry this value too, which I have also expanded my company to provide. Safe hotels in dangerous areas, food in times of famine, as well as mercenaries for whomever needs an expert hand by his side.

And now as we reach into the stars, new financial opportunities await us. Alien civilizations who may crave our resources, our industry, or our technology may give us things we value in exchange, and the eternal wheel of the market shall turn on an even grander scale. And-let us not forget-such an exchange of culture and knowledge may just give us the chance of obtaining that which they don't wish us to know, as well. I shall stand as the head of the new Mercantile Party, and I wish for anyone who can see the value of trade to join me.



My name is Pravin Lal, from the nation of India, and many of you may already know me from my work with the UN. I was involved in the Middle East peace process, which has finally come to a tenable peace agreement. The situation may seem…volatile, even now, but it is far better off than it was even just twenty years ago.

I firmly believe that this effort of peace and goodwill should extend to whomever we may find out in the stars. We must speak first, and understand each other, to prevent the misfortune which happened to the hyperdrive project leader. Had he and the aliens only understood one another, surely such brutal methods would never have been used. Even we humans have come together as a planet in order to seek the stars; why cannot we who travel through space live in harmony and work towards something greater still? I have formed the Pacifist Party, and any who share my vision of harmonious future is surely welcome.



I am Miriam Godwinson, a representative of the United States of America, who I feel I must add is a significant contributor to this project. I have spent most of my life in the Church working with ordinary people, and I have only arranged my appointment here because I feel that I can best protect them by representing them as they, not we, take humanity's first steps into the cosmos.

Personally, I find myself disgusted by all these other parties which have their eyes pointed up and their heads in the clouds. Do they not see the people who must carry their weight forward? Do they not see the colonists or the soldiers who risk their lives to bring these touted advances they drool over? Nothing worth doing was ever done by one person, no matter what the history books may claim. Generals must have armies, statesmen must have citizens, technology must be manufactured, and colonies must have colonists. My party is that of the People, and those who care for your fellow humans must join with me.



If you don't already know my name, I am Prokhor Zakharov, one of the other project leaders who worked on the Hyperdrive Project, one less inclined to believe that other sophonts will greet humans with open arms. I managed to pull some strings and get appointed to this project as a representative from Russia, although I suppose I am really here to defend fellow academics.

We stand at the dawning of a new age. No longer is mankind doomed to remain in just one gravity well. And the possibilities provided by the stars are limitless! Mining elements which are rare on Earth will open up formerly blocked off areas of research. Alien technology like the stargate will provide new avenues for development. And why stop at the speed of light? New technologies just waiting for grants sit on all fronts. Weaponized lasers, fully automated factories, AI's more complicated than a human brain, cybernetics that will allow us to defeat these AI's, all are simply awaiting our discovery. Who knows what awaits us? It is hard to say, but only our continued focus on technology will let us find out. Towards this end, I have formed the Technologist Party. Any who wish the human species to become the most advanced in the galaxy should join me.



Good day, ladies and gentlemen. I am Corazon Santiago, representing the nation of Mexico. I did very well in my nation's military, but the time has come for me to see to Earth's defense, rather than just my home.

The galaxy is a dangerous place, in spite of what certain others may tell you. The fate of the foolish project leader only reinforces this fact. Humanity needs to expand, deserves to expand, at least as much as any other life form, and conflict with other expanding empires is simply inevitable. We must be prepared to deal with threats, both external and internal, for the sake of our very species. If we are not ready, then we shall be but a footnote in the history of some other planet, of some other race. I, for one, refuse to let this happen, and I have formed the War Party to prepare against this future.


(Side note: the other bonuses are pretty obvious, but "Luck" affects how positive random events and anomalies are, plus it sets a minimum for weapon damage. If Universalist is chosen, I can also raise the bonus another 25%.)


Huh? My turn? Shit. Well, My name's Ulrik Svensgaard, raised by a fisherman, former navigator for the US Navy, and, oh yeah, the first human to go faster than the speed of light. Fuck, I'd still be out there if I had my way, but I'm getting' too old for adventuring. So I figured I'd join the trust board or whatever the hell you call this to keep you dipshits from ruining things for the rest of us, or at least to point and laugh when you fuck things over.

'Course, I'm not really the "side-taking" type. These other assholes won't leave me alone about joining their little clubs, though, so now I call myself a "Universalist." I'm not really into focusing on anything, so if I'm elected, I'll, I don't know, tell people to go fuck themselves or something. Oh, and I'll make sure all my competent friends get all the good command positions, so stupid shit doesn't happen out there too often. So join if you want, I don't really care. But if you plan on putting politics ahead of the good of humanity, you ain't invited.