Part 25: Hands Up If This Has Happened In Your D&D Game

Update 24: Hands Up If This Has Happened In Your D&D Game

"Hey, Tarquinn, can you do me a favour?"
"No."
"Trust me, you'll want to do this one. I'd do it myself if I could get away with it. Go to Lord Slayer's castle and wreak as much havoc as possible. You probably shouldn't bring any half-orcs along, though."
"Is that all? Why the hell didn't you say so?"



"Get your gear and get ready to go. We're going out to Castle Hillstone to mess with Lord Slayer."
"May I ask why?"
"I just told you, we're going out to mess with someone. Since when do I need a better reason than that?"



"There's bound to be loot worth stealing in the dungeons. Well, loot or decaying prisoners. One or the other."



"Be careful, everyone! Dungeons are dangerous places! You never know when you might walk into a--"



"-- trap."



"Whoa, how come I didn't see all those giant bulls coming down the corridor until now?"
"I'd imagine you were too busy being impaled by spikes."

There are lots of spike traps in Slayer's dungeon, all of which hit the party for 30 damage and immediately summon a random encounter. If you already know exactly where they are you can sometimes use Jump to avoid them, but otherwise you'd better just keep healed up.

In fact, Slayer's dungeon is an incredible pain to explore in general. Apart from the traps and the constant encounters, it's full of locked doors, secret passages and one-way walls. You can be walking through a door or a corridor, minding your own business, and turn around to see that a solid wall has appeared behind you.



"Good thing none of us are half-orcs! I wonder what would happen if we were? I mean, besides us being all green and ugly and stuff."



"Wait, Slayer hates half-orcs, but he also hates people who tell orc jokes? I'm confused."
"He hates bad orc jokes. If they'd been good jokes, I'd be his right-hand man by now."
"Well, we don't have any halibut, or in fact any kind of fish at all, so I'm afraid we'll have to turn down your offer."
"No, you don't understand. When I said 'halibut'--"
"Actually, now that I think of it, there might be some fish in our food supply. Does anybody have any fish?"
"You're still not listening to me. I don't actually want--"
"I've got a salt cod! Well, half of one. I ate the rest."
"Good! Would a salt cod be okay, Mr. Clown?"
"... no. Just go away."
"There's no need to be rude. If you won't take anything but a halibut, you could have just said so."



"What kind of idiot would throw their money away just because a sign told them to?"
"Yeah, that'd be pretty dumb. Besides, we'll have a much better opportunity to throw our money away later!"



"Oh no."

This is just about the worst party to fight Seductresses with. None of our front-line fighters are female, so we're basically limited to attacking with magic. Our fighters will be busy killing those Slashers, who can assassinate party members if we're not lucky. Several times, Jostiband was paralysed and Preacher had to cast Remove Condition on her; if Preacher had been paralysed, the battle would be as good as lost.



"That was far too close for comfort. Wait, where's Tarquinn? Did he run away?"
"Hey, someone's gotta drag you all home if you get yourselves killed."
"Hmph. Well, it's a good thing we women are around to keep this party together when you men succumb to your base instincts. I don't know what you'd do without us."



"So you're saying you can make me stronger?"



"You got yourself a deal."



"Aaagh! My brain! Oh God, it's not even supposed to be able to feel pain but it is! I must be the first human being to feel pain in his cerebral cortex! Wait, what's a cerebral cortex again?"

Tarquinn just permanently traded 5 points of Intellect for 3 points of Might. Why would you do this when you can raise a stat by 10 points at a stat boost area for no penalty at all? Well, unless GameFAQs has lied to me again, stat exchangers can apparently raise stats past the normal limits of permanent stat boost areas or even the circus, all the way to 255. It's incredibly tedious, but with enough patience you could get all but one of a character's stats to 255 this way. (This requires multiple trips back to the normal stat boost areas, since the trade will fail if the stat you're losing is already below 5.)



"None of you are barbarians, are you?"
"Well, Tarquinn's been called barbaric, but technically he's a Knight. I think we're in the clear."
"In that case, I'll just unlock this door and see what's on the other side..."



"Yay, brooch!"

If there are Barbarians in the party when they enter this room, the whole party is kicked back out with no reward. The Coral Brooch raises Might by a whopping 15 points... and is equippable only by Barbarians.



If you guessed that this room contains an item equippable only by Ninjas...



... well, give yourself a great big pat on the back! The Crystal Vial raises Speed by 15.



"Wow! I feel great all of a sudden!"

And this is why you don't bring Half-Orcs into this dungeon. As long as there are no Half-Orcs in the party, they can step on a space near the southeast corner of the dungeon to receive a small, random, permanent boost to their maximum HP. This time, everyone got +4 HP. Unfortunately, you can't keep coming back here: it only works once every 30 days.



"How much deeper does this dungeon go?"



"Well, we're done with this floor. Might as well go downstairs and find out."



"Look at all those doors! I wonder what's behind this one..."



"Ow! Where did all those darts come from?"



You know how the previous level's gimmick was spike traps? This level's gimmick is poison dart traps. Don't even bother curing the poison until the party is about to rest, because you'll probably just get hit by another trap two steps later.



"Knowledge, huh? Don't mind if I d-- ow! I think I just ruptured a lung or something!"

This tablet exchanges 5 Endurance for 3 Intellect.



"I think we'll pass. I'm not ready for the Grim Reaper to lead me anywhere yet."
"As you wish. If you ever do go there, it might be wise to leave your Elves, Robbers and Clerics at home."



"Why not? I'm always up for a new experience!"



The coin slot on the previous level would have given us only 1 experience point for every gold piece we put in. 3 experience per gold is a much better trade, and the whole party's going to gain 2-3 levels when they get out of here. (Except hirelings: they can't carry gold, so they get nothing.)



"We may as well try some. Who knows? It might cure our poisoning."
"Well, I dunno about you guys, but I feel just the same as before. It tastes sorta weird, but that's about it."
"Really? Are you sure you don't feel any different? Because I feel great!"



"Hey, is that what I think it is? Cool!"
"Oh no."



"Oh no."
"What's wrong, Preacher? Didn't it work on you?"
"No matter how much I drink, I'm not changing back! This is a disaster! How can I be a priestess now?"
"You could be a priest instead! A sexy priest!"
"You're not helping, Jostiband! We have to keep moving! Maybe there's a cure somewhere in this dungeon."



"Good thing we still don't have any ninjas!"



The Ruby Amulet is a Ninja-only item that gives a +15 bonus to Luck.



There's a no-Barbarian door on this level, too...



... and behind it is the Lapis Scarab, which is identical to the Coral Brooch. +15 Might, Barbarians only. The party will have to pass all of this stuff off to characters who can actually use it later.



"We still don't have any Half-Orcs, either."



The party only got +1 max HP out of this one, unfortunately.



"I can't believe it! There's nothing here that can help me! Nothing! I can't stay like this!"
"C'mon, it's not that bad, is it? I mean, I've been a dude all my life."
"Yes, and look how you've turned out!"

(A friendly word of advice to those of you playing along at home: don't go down those three long hallways in the southern part of the map. There's a random encounter every step.)



"I can't go out in public in this state! I'll have to lock myself up in my room at the inn forever!"
"Well, okay, but if you do that you're never gonna find a way back to normal."



"Stop complaining, you. We got to mess with Lord Slayer like we wanted, I got some new armour, and that's what really matters."



"And I've got a new shield and a ray gun and more spells! Awesome!"



"I've got a charm to protect me from magic, not that I really need it."



"Being a hireling still sucks. I didn't even get to level up this time."



"I've got some new armour, so I'm happy enough. No more chafing!"



"Maybe I should have traded some intellect for might too, but honestly the idea of giving up part of my brain makes me a little nervous."



"At... at least I have some new spells, I suppose, even if none of them can cure me."

Level 7 Cleric Spells

1. NAME: Earth Encasement
COST: 7 SP + 7 Gems
TYPE: Combat
TARGET: 1 monster
DESCRIPTION: Encases the target in a field of earth, inflicting 40 points of damage per combat round and separating it from the battle until the spell is overcome or the monster is attacked.
"I wish the earth would swallow me up."

2. NAME: Fiery Flail
COST: 7 SP + 7 Gems
TYPE: Combat
TARGET: 1 monster
DESCRIPTION: Creates a huge flail of fire, striking a single opponent, inflicting 100-400 points of damage.
"We clerics have only a few damaging spells, but this is one of the best. Its only disadvantage is that its power doesn't scale up with the caster's level."

3. NAME: Moon Ray
COST: 7 SP + 7 Gems
TYPE: Combat, outdoors
TARGET: 10 monsters
DESCRIPTION: Bathes all combatants in a beneficent ray that bestows 10-100 Hit Points on each character and removes 10-100 Hit Points from each monster.
"When multiple party members are being knocked unconscious every round, this spell can often save the party from being on the losing end of a battle of attrition. The damage it inflicts upon enemies is also helpful. Of course, it can only be used outdoors."

4. NAME: Raise Dead
COST: 7 SP + 7 Gems
TYPE: Anytime
TARGET: 1 character
DESCRIPTION: Brings the character back to life, removing the dead condition. Spell carries a moderate chance of failure and a remote chance of eradicating the character. (Note: Spell-caster and recipient age by 1 year.)
"I can raise the dead without having to return to a temple now, although I'll end up as a withered old crone if I attempt it too often."
"You mean a withered old man."
"Please, don't remind me."



"Don't forget about me! I've got some new spells too!"

Level 7 Mage Spells

1. NAME: Dancing Sword
COST: 3 SP/level + 7 Gems
TYPE: Combat
TARGET: 10 monsters
DESCRIPTION: A magical sword that moves with lightning speed and inflicts 1-12 damage points per level of caster.
"It costs a lot of spell points, and sometimes it does a lot of damage and sometimes only a little. But when it does a lot, it really does a lot! Not many monsters resist it, either."

2. NAME: Duplication
COST: 7 SP + 100 Gems
TYPE: Non-combat
TARGET: Spell caster
DESCRIPTION: Allows the caster to exactly duplicate any 1 item in his/her backpack, provided that there is room in the caster's pack for the new item. Small chance that the spell will fail and destroy the original item.
"This is great for when you get a really cool item and you want everybody to have one! But it costs so many gems that it's only worth using for stuff that's really rare and special."

3. NAME: Etherealize
COST: 7 SP + 7 Gems
TYPE: Non-combat
TARGET: Entire Party
DESCRIPTION: Alters all characters' molecular structure long enough to allow them to move 1 square forward through any barrier (force field, wall, mountain, etc.)
"Sometimes this works in areas where Teleport doesn't. In fact, it's the only way to get to a few places!"

4. NAME: Prismatic Light
COST: 7 SP + 7 Gems
TYPE: Combat
TARGET: 10 monsters
DESCRIPTION: A powerful but erratic spell that has completely unpredictable effects.
"Every time I cast this, it might disintegrate my enemies, it might paralyse them or it might just scare them a little bit. The only way to find out is to cast it and see what happens!"

Well, there you go. What next, readers? Should Preacher's party try to find a way to remove her, uh, affliction, should we follow the exploits of Tarquinn as he searches for Hoardall's swords, should we follow Julius as he hunts monsters for Lord Slayer, or should I just make up a party out of the other characters we haven't seen much of in a while and go wander around in another dungeon? Vote now!