Part 38: You Spin Me Right Round
Update 25: You Spin Me Right Round
"Well, if everyone's ready, it's time to search for the ancient ruins in the Quivering Forest."
"I could have just used a Teleport spell to get us back into the Quivering Forest, but slides are more fun!"
"So what now? Are we just supposed to bash our heads against the trees until we find a bit of forest that's sparse enough to force our way through, and then hope it leads to the ruins we're looking for?"
"Pretty much."
"There are fresh footprints leading toward these ruins! Someone must be inside!"
"Drewjitsu, those are our footprints."
"Well, then, there's going to be someone inside very soon, isn't there?"
"No sign of anybody so far. Keep your weapons drawn, everyone. Now, I'll just unlock this grate at the end of the hallway and we can all head through..."
"Whooooaaaa."
"Damn it. We're back where we started."
"Anything guarded by a trap like that has to be valuable. Everyone, get ready to give the spinning room one more try!"
An important note for those of you playing at home: when doing this dungeon in the Mac version of the game, make sure the active window is always the one in the upper right, displaying the view of the dungeon. Otherwise the game will refuse to accept mouse input and will effectively hang, since keyboard movement doesn't seem to work in the spinning rooms.
"I think we're through to the other side."
"I think there must be treasure behind that grate over there."
"I think I'm gonna throw up."
"Stairs? Well, I'm sure there's treasure beyond them..."
"I don't care what's beyond them, as long as it's not another of those damned spinning rooms."
"Let me guess. That means less treasure and more spinning rooms, right?"
"It's not what one would call a promising sign."
"Well, at least it wasn't a spinning room, right?"
"Great. So where are we now?"
"Only one way to find out!"
"Ah, so you're going to cast a Location spell for us? It's good to see you using your powers for non-violent purposes."
"Okay, so there are two ways to find out."
"Huh? What way were you thinking of, then?"
"Aimless wandering. We were eventually going to explore the whole place anyway, right?"
"Knowledge? Planes? Reality? When we assemble all these messages, they're just going to be some drug-addled hippie blathering on about his half-baked philosophy of life, aren't they? I'd really rather not go to the trouble of finding them all just to be told that I should hug more dolphins."
"Not again."
"Yeah, I think that's pretty much how all of us are feeling right now, what with the spinning and the teleportation and all."
"What the hell is an Abelnuski and where can we find one to make this stupid face shut up?"
"Don't bother. This quest is obviously fake. Everyone knows that a genuine Abelnuski always has a white handle."
"I hear ya, buddy."
"Not again! How often is this going to happen?"
(Answer: about 10 times as often as I screenshotted it, that's how often)
"Creepy."
"But who is Okrim, anyway?"
"Oh, probably just the crazy old wizard who used to live here. His magical traps are still working long after his death, unfortunately for us."
"Let's pass this by for now. We're trying to travel deeper into the ruins, not return to the surface."
"No, we've explored pretty thoroughly. I think this is as deep as the dungeon goes. The only thing left to explore is the rest of the first floor."
"If we'd known that in the first place, Jostiband could have just teleported us to the other side of that floor and saved us a lot of trouble!"
"Sure, but what fun would that be?"
"Gee, this part of the ruins looks a lot nicer than the rest of it. It's all decked out with tapestries and everything, and some of them look pretty new. Maybe someone still lives here after all."
"Well, someone lives here, but I don't think that's quite what you meant."
Considering that this is only a two-level dungeon, the monsters here are quite respectable. Of course, they're still no match for the party's superior combat prowess.
"Omnipotent? We'll see about that!"
"Wait! Shouldn't we at least see if we can talk to him before charging in like..."
"... never mind."
Okrim and his wizard lackeys can all cast Dancing Sword. Jostiband could give them a taste of their own medicine, but she has far more efficient ways of killing people.
"Hmph. That was hardly a challenge at all. Honestly, I'm a little disappointed."
"Wait, why would we want to do that?"
"I've heard that a certain petty noble has taken an interest in my magical research. Perhaps he'll eventually send you out on a quest for it if you butter him up nicely enough. Now, do you want the ring or should I spirit it away, never to be seen again?"
"Deal. You can kill any one of these guys, I don't--"
"Hey, Successhands, mind opening this chest for us?"
"... Successhands?"
"I think he's dead."
"Oh. Well, that explains it. I guess I'll have to open it myself."
"We should probably stuff this ring and all these gems into his pockets, seeing as he died to get them and all. It's the right thing to do."
Successhands actually got off lightly. Some versions of the game eradicate a character instead of just killing them.
"So, uh, Preacher? You going to revive Successhands now?"
"I can't help but think that all of this easy resurrection is cheapening the meaning of death. But if it's okay with Radaso, I suppose it's okay with me."
"Hey, what happened? The last thing I remember was telling Okrim it was okay to kill one of us, and -- oh."
"Well, you're alive now, so you can stop complaining. Oh, and we already put the ring in your pocket."
"Are you sure you weren't just feeling around in there as an excuse to touch my--"
"No offence, but if you finish that sentence, I'm going to have to gut you like a fish."
"... very well. Shall we continue exploring, then?"
"Well, now I kind of miss being dead."
"You know what? Instead of running into it again and again until we time it right, I think I'm just going to use a Jump spell to get us over this spinner."
"Time to search the area again. These rooms can't all be useless, can they?"
"Does a giant black chess piece count as 'not useless'?"
"No, but I'm sure you're all going to make me carry it around anyway."
"Finally, we're out of that hellhole! If we missed anything down there, I don't care."
"It's time to honour the trust placed in us and fulfil our duty by reporting the location of the ruins to Lord Inspectron! Also, maybe we'll get a cool reward or something."
"Wait, that's it? We get an experience award that's worth less than the average group of monsters we fought in the ruins?"
"You also get the warm fuzzy feeling of a job well done."
"Oh, no you don't. We suffered through all kinds of crazy magical traps down in those ruins. We deserve better than this!"
"Since you just tacitly admitted to going into the ruins to loot everything of value before I could send my men in to do the same, I think whatever you found in there should be reward enough for you, and I'd advise against pressing the matter any further. If you choose to ignore my advice... well, I believe you've also seen what happens to people who cross me, haven't you?"
"So, uh, hey, about those quests. You got another one you'd like to send us on, so that we're still useful to you and you don't want to lock us up? Please?"
"Sounds easy enough. We'll get right on it!"
"... right after we spend a night or two lounging around at the nearest inn, that is."
"I might not have any new equipment, but at least I managed to avoid being the one to lug that chess piece around."
"This ring makes me even more absurdly lucky than I was before. I'm never letting it out of my sight again!"
"I wonder how long I can keep this garlic in my pack before it starts to rot."
"Smart, strong, and sexy. I'm the ultimate fighting force."
"Once again, the divine power of faith triumphs over the magical trickery of mortals!"
"But I killed Okrim with a Disintegrate spell. Isn't that just magic triumphing over other magic?"
"Er... um... hey, look at how that giant chess piece you're holding catches the light! Isn't it shiny?"
"Ooh. It is shiny."
Next time on Let's Play Might & Magic: the party goes on a mountaineering expedition!