Part 54: Montezuma's Revenge

Update 35: Montezuma's Revenge



"Isn't it spelled with an A?"
"Isn't what spelled with an A?"
"Peaks."
"As in mountains? Yes. P-E-A-K-S. Why?"
"Um, no reason."



"What's in here? I guess glass swords would be too much to ask for. Let's bust in and steal everything that isn't nailed down anyway."



"That's it? We fought dragons on the surface. Why aren't there dragons down here?"



"That sounds promising."
"If the Glass Room wasn't full of glass, I don't see why the Ruby Room should be full of rubies."
"There actually was a bit of glass in the Glass Room. It's stuck in my foot now. Can we stop so I can dig it out and cast First Aid?"



"Sure we can, right after we kill all these giant bugs."
"This is just pathetic. I came here to fight dragons, not bees."



"Twinkle Room? Twinkle Room? Oh God, it's going to be full of sprites lying in wait to shower us with their magic fairy dust, isn't it?"



"I really don't see what's so twinkly about wild boars."



"And coming up next is the Rainbow Room. Judging by how things have been going so far, it's probably full of giant frogs."



"Are those frogs?"
"Those are not frogs."
"Finally, some more actual dragons! Time to make with the slaying."



"And our reward is... another of these rooms. What's a black-and-white room doing near the Rainbow Room, anyway?"



"Wait, 'Old Order'? That's not a band!"



"And those aren't clerics. Of course, we'd still have to kill them even if they were clerics, so I suppose it doesn't matter much in the long run."



"Oh, great, we've stumbled across a cult of anarcho-primitivist necromancers."



"Get ready for some epic smiting, heretics!"
"You know, we're not actually bothering anyone out here. You're the ones trespassing on our land and killing our pets."
"An interesting argument. On the other hand, there's one point you haven't considered..."



"... namely, the point of this arrow pointing at your heart."



"The more of these messages we find, the less sense they make. Who could have written them and why?"
"I think we must surely have most of the words by now... we just need to know what order to arrange them in."
"We can worry about that later. Let's see what's behind that crystal grate over there!"



"If there's one thing I know, it's that going deeper into a dungeon means more danger and more treasure!"



"Apparently in this case, the chief danger is that of being hit by falling masonry."
"You know, those stairs seemed awfully long. Jostiband, how far underground are we?"



"We've gone straight down to the fourth level."
"Four levels? Even Dragadune's dungeon didn't have that many!"
"We're stronger than we were back then. We can handle it."



"Huh. They weren't kidding about this dungeon being under construction. Aren't doors normally supposed to lead to, y'know, rooms?"



"Oh God, it's the Shai-Hulud! Has anyone got some water?"



"Or I could just disintegrate them like I always do. That works too."



"Three 8-headed hydras, four 12-headed hydras, three 16-headed hydras... let's see, that's... that's a whole lot of heads."



That's the most experience the party has ever earned in a single fight, and the battle wasn't even that difficult. This dungeon is a great place to level up if you're already high-level enough that you don't actually need to level up.



"This hallway looks like it's actually finished. There's probably something at the end."



"Well, whatever it is, it's guarded by dragons. That has to be a good sign."



"Let's see you rise from those ashes, phoenix!"



"Oh boy, more dragons. Seriously, we killed about 10 dragons at once on the surface. How is this meant to stop us?"



"If they all breathed on us at once, they'd still be a threat, but mostly the ones we don't kill just run away."



Funny story about this battle: the only monster that actually lived long enough to breathe on the party was one of the White Wolves. The dragons did nothing.



"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. We killed all those dragons just to reach another of these chequered rooms? Well, at least we got to kill all those dragons."



"And there's a giant white chess queen on the floor. Great. I'm sure this will come in handy the next time we want to play chess with giants."



"It stands to reason that this dungeon must have a second and third floor, but I haven't seen any other stairs leading up from here. Perhaps we should return to the surface and explore the first floor more thoroughly."



"Hmm. I don't think we've been through here before."



"Might as well get it over with. This dungeon's gotta have some treasure worth looting."
"What about that giant chess piece?"
"That. Doesn't. Count."



"Well, I don't see any treasure yet."
"Hey, what's through that door over there?"



"Apparently lots of different monsters, all of them weak. Isn't the second floor of a dungeon supposed to be more dangerous than the first?"



"Maybe someone's trying to run a zoo in here."
"I'd mock your suggestion, but I can't actually think of a more reasonable explanation."



"You'd think that all of the people and monsters trapped down here would start killing and eating each other after a while, wouldn't you?"



"This is getting ridiculous. How many more of these can there possibly be?"



"Oh, hey, watch out for those dragons. They might actually hurt us a little before we slaughter them."



"Go after the basilisk first! Dying here would just be embarrassing."



"Hey, Preacher, you want me to collect the remains of those Deadly Spores so I can make you another grass skirt to make up for last time? I think I can make sure this one doesn't explode."
"Please don't."



"Well, I'll be. Looks like there are three threats this time: the banshee could paralyse us, the gorgon could petrify us and the white wolf could breathe on us. Of course, only the gorgon is a significant threat."



"Okay, now things are getting serious. The evil eye can kill us, the ghost can age us and the naga can paralyse us. Be on your guard, everyone."



"Well, that wasn't so bad. We seem to be at the end of the hallway now."
"Wait, that's it? A dead end? All of those monsters were guarding a dead end?"
"Looks like it. At least now we know it's a dead end, so we don't have to come back here!"
"Why the hell do I keep adventuring with you idiots?"

Fun fact: the party just fought 133 different monsters in quick succession. There are 195 types of monster in the game, so the party just fought over two-thirds of them.



"So it turns out that if we'd just etherealised through the wall to the west of where we entered this level instead of wandering through that dead-end hallway like suckers, we'd be on the third floor by now. Whoops. Well, at least we can get there now."



"But that's not a door at all. That's a grate."
"Oh, Drewjitsu. A grate is just a metal door with lots of holes in it, just like a wall is a stone door without a knob or hinges."
"What if it's a wooden wall?"
"Touche."



"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think this is where we were a minute ago. I suspect we've been teleported again."



"Where's this one lead? Another teleporter?"



"Stairs are like a teleporter. They both take you from one place to another."
"Well, we were looking for stairs down to the fourth floor, not up, but I suppose there's no harm in seeing where these lead..."



"Wait, this staircase looks awfully familiar. Isn't this...?"
"Well, that's six hours of our lives we'll never get back."

That's right, folks, the second and third levels of this dungeon exist solely to provide a back entrance to the fourth level if you don't have the Crystal Key. And the fourth level exists solely to give you a giant chess piece. Jon Van Caneghem hates you, the player, and wants you to suffer.

"I think it's high time to do what we always do after a day like this..."



"... go back to the nearest town and drink until we forget it ever happened."



On the bright side, everybody gained a level.

"At least I've got a few hundred more notches on my sword now."



"The one thing that would make my perfect set of equipment complete is a Robber's Crossbow. You'd think that with all my luck, I'd have one already."



"I think I'm suffering from an identity crisis."

I'm... not sure what happened with this screenshot. The stats and equipment are Drewjitsu's, but everything else is Successhands'. I must have taken it while the character window was updating.



"My only regret is that I have found no way to combine my love of lasers and my love of bows. Oh, for the joyous day when a future visionary devises some manner of laser bow."



"Jostiband, why are you still carrying those two giant chess pieces around?"



"My mother always told me that you never know when a giant chess piece will come in handy."
"That answer explains so much and yet so little."

Well, as pointless as that was, it was considerably less frustrating than the dungeon under Dragadune, thanks to the party's high level and excellent equipment. We have two main options at this point: visit King Alamar and see what he has to say to us, or find out what the heck those two giant chess pieces do exactly. Believe it or not, both of these options relate to the main plot of the game. What shall the party do first? Vote now!