Part 57: A Royal Mess

Update 37: A Royal Mess



"Before we travel to Mt. Doom, we should visit King Alamar and seek his assistance. With this King's Pass, we may be able to gain an audience. Jostiband, could you fly us to his castle?"
"Sure thing. Up, up and awaaaaay!"



"Down, down and towaaaaard!"
"Jostiband, why did you have to land us directly in front of a talking lion statue?"
"I dunno. 'Cause lions are cool, I guess."
"Well, does anyone know the password?"
"I assume someone knows the password, but I don't think any of us do."




"Great. Where are we now?"
"Don't worry, everyone, I'll just cast Lasting Light..."



"... or then again, perhaps I won't."
"Time to fall back to Plan B: wander aimlessly until we can see again."
"What was Plan A?"
"Wander aimlessly until we find the castle."



"Oh God, there's a bard nearby. As if we didn't have enough problems."



"Doesn't leaving a bard in the forest outside the castle to sing the password rather defeat the purpose of having a password?"
"Ask not ye why I sing this song, for ... hey, help me out here, what's a word that rhymes with 'song'?"
"Dong?"
"Dammit, Jostiband."



"The password is 'tones'."




"Guys, are you sure we should do this? I mean, King Alamar doesn't want visitors, and we don't really have anything in particular to ask of him."



"Aw, c'mon. What's the worst that can happen?"



"I mean, we're still a lot better off than whoever's doing all that screaming over there, for example."
"We should probably go and find out where that screaming is coming from. Technically I'm supposed to help people in need, what with being a paladin and all."
"Well, I'm no paladin. You can go on alone if you want."
"I can't force you to stay with us, of course, but do keep in mind that you'll be going without the only two healers in this party."
"Y'know, for someone who's sworn to uphold the virtues of love and justice, you can be kind of a bitch sometimes."



As it turned out, the door led to a long spiral filled with monsters. Imagine a dozen or so encounters like this in a row, sometimes with dragons, liches or demon lords for extra fun.

"Whew. Well, that was a workout. But all I can see here is this big bowl-shaped thing we're standing on. Where was all that screaming coming from?"



"Aiiieeeeeeee!"



"We seem to have landed in the middle of the King's Orchard. It's a good thing all those branches were there to break our fall."



"I don't think King Alamar's too happy about it, though."



"That's the worst he can send at us, after we already survived the climb up to the top of the tower? Hah."



"It's time to give King Alamar a piece of our minds about booby-trapping his castle with giant catapults."



"Dammit, not another tower. It's only going to lead to another trap."
"We can't know that for sure until we see for ourselves."



"Oh, come on. That's not even a challenge."



Along the way, the party finds this little trinket. The Ultimate Sword isn't quite as strong as The Flamberge, but it's one-handed, so Tarquinn and Drewjitsu can use a shield with it.

"Ah, now there's a sword worthy of me."
"Hey, what about me?"
"You can get your own sword."
"You know, you could just give it to me and I could duplicate it so that there are enough swords for everybody."
"Quiet, you."
"Far be it from me to add any more innuendo to this conversation, but shouldn't we focus on getting to the top of the tower?"



"So, wait, are we supposed to kiss this one before we free her or does that only apply to prisoners in volcanoes? I'm confused."
"We free her, Drewjitsu. Clearly, paladin training isn't what it used to be."



"Why are you so sure that was a good deed? For all we know, she could have secretly been a shape-shifting demon in disguise."
"I'm willing to take that risk. Now, do you want to find King Alamar or don't you?"



"Somehow, I don't think King Alamar is at the end of this hallway."
"Yeah, but there might be a secret passage leading to treasure or something!"



"I suppose this qualifies as 'something'."

(I love the ellipsis here. Even the game itself has grown weary of all these traps.)



"Okay, guys, time to head back to Castle Alamar and try to find the King without being thwarted by the cruel hand of gravity. Third time lucky, right?"



"Maybe he's behind this door."



"Probably not."



And the party is rewarded for their diligent exploration by having to fight powerful monsters while at 1/4 of their maximum HP. Hooray.

"Well, at least we ruled out one possibility. Let's try the next door."




"Some days you drop some bad acid, and other days some bad acid drops on you."



"All that for a silver message? I like the gold ones better. At least the individual words in those make sense."



"Okay, I'm calling it right now: this is going to be another trap."




"Well, I'll be."
"By the way, are you secretly an escaped alien prisoner?"
"Would you expect an escaped alien prisoner to lie and say that he wasn't an escaped alien prisoner in order to maintain his cover?"
"Well, yeah, I guess I would."
"Then yes, I am secretly an escaped alien prisoner."
"Oh, okay. I guess you're in the clear, then."
"Very good. Now, away with you."
"Hey, King Al. Sorry about the orchard and all. I swear, we didn't steal any fruit or anything, we just broke a few branches on the way down. It's kind of your fault for putting that catapult there in the first place. So anyway, I guess if we can make it up to you by finding this crypt--"
"I said, away with you."
"But--"
"God, can't you take a hint? I give you a perfectly good unsolvable fake quest to waste your time and this is the kind of gratitude I receive. Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with adventurers these days. Get out of my sight."
"Well, fine. If you're going to be that way, I don't think we feel like doing your quest! Maybe we'll just go to Mt. Doom instead."
"Uh-oh."

Do you want to know what King Alamar's worried about, finally find out what all those gold and silver messages mean, or learn how Mt. Doom got its name? All those things and more, next time on Let's Play Might & Magic!