Part 36: UPDATE 31: No Man's Land

Welcome to IRON OGRE WEEKEND 2 DAY ONE

A bit of idle musing to start this one off: The only other LP I've ever done lasted exactly 30 updates, so at 31 this is now the longest project I've ever done. It's also less stressful and more well-received (due to being objectively better). Thanks for your support, guys!

That said, I'm talking when I should by all rights be Ogre Battlin', so on with the show.



By "the show" I of course mean "equipping my soldiers," the most entertaining part of any update. Troi's actually taking a pretty big hit in defense and magic defense by switching to the Hallowed Shield, but his mom made it for him! I can't let it go to waste! _{she'd get mad}



Y'know what I had lying around? Bloodstained Robes. Might as well throw them on these guys because (as people have mentioned) they boost INT gain upon levelling up. I like INT gain.



Which of course freed up a Robe of the Wise for the mighty wizard Sexwale to wear. And really, who deserves it more?



Meredia and Rose can't wear Bloodstained Robes, of course, and without having gone to Tremous Mountains I in this continuity I don't have a bottomless supply of Rings of Eloquence, but I can still give them these feathers to I dunno carry around or wear in their hair or something. Is it ironic to use an angel's feather to make your unholy Bane magic more potent? I don't know this stuff, I'm a techie.



Europea needs some pimped gear. I gave her the Fire buckler (no one else was using it) and bumped her up to Cataphract-level armor. That'll do for now.



How the HELL had I not given these guys anything more interesting than a Baldr Spear before now? HOW EMBARRASSING.



Celesis left me with a fortune in elemental Greatswords. Ferdinando and MacLeod get shiny new presents. You'll notice neither of them are the Chaladholg. I have a much more important use for that one in mind. You'll see tomorrow.



Finally, that awesome hammer/mace/whatever thing we've been sitting on for a couple of missions goes to Sheen, which frees up a Flame Flail for Pidgey.



But enough dicking around with my inventory! Lodis is after the Temple of Berthe, and there's not a moment to lose!!! Let's get 'em!

Update 31: No Man's Land



Ugh, this was the worst Mario 64 level. The death water and the inexplicable ice conveyor belt were like the worst combination ever.



Freddie is as tired of Hugo as I am!

: "That is true indeed... However, we're surrounded... by huge numbers of soldiers..."



Yeah I guess Freddie was somehow completely unaware of this until (a) the Generic Army had seized whatever town or castle or whatever this briefing is happening in and established a headquarters there, and (b) Hugo called him into this windowless room for a strategy briefing. If this enemy force isn't made up entirely of Ninja Masters I'm gonna have to call bullshit.

: "Could it be... Lodis!?"

Yeah, could be them. They ARE pretty stealthy and subtle.

: "I'm not sure... I can't tell who, or what they are, or what they're up to..."



You can't tell WHAT they are. Why are we having this meeting again? Why do all our scouts report to you and you alone? How bad is your eyesight that you can tell we're surrounded by soldiers but you can't quite make out whether they're dudes or giraffes or whatever? Aren't you getting on to retirement age? I'm gonna have Sheen do your job from here on out, he gives me more recon than you ever did anyway.

: "...Look at this."



Well I can tell this briefing is going nowhere, we're already fighting. <>



: "We must take control of the checkpoint."

Yeah, this is pretty much the smallest map in the game. You can probably guess what that means.

Also I have NO idea why we're apparently fighting our way north. This mission is exactly the same if you do it before Celesis or now -- you either get surrounded on your way to Celesis (for the second time) or on your way to the Temple of Berthe. They don't bother to change the map like they did in Audvera. Or, y'know, flip it upside down. Honestly that'd work just as well.

: "We never expected to be attacked in the mountains... I was too optimistic..."



: "If we survive their first attack, we may have a chance. Do not miss the opportunity."

Hugo if this is the way you're going to be today I have nothing left to say to you. Call me when you calm down.



Yeah yeah yeah. Save it.



So yeah, Hugo's pessimistic about this battle, but honestly after our FIRST trip to Tremos Mountains I'm not too concerned.



Thanks to Sheen's eagle eyes we've got a pretty good view of the surrounding area. There's no shortage of ugly out there, but it's not as concentrated or imminent as that earlier pincer assault was, so this shouldn't be too bad.



And look, they even put a Shop on our HQ again in case we get a mite peckish! Nothing exciting here in terms of equipment, but the point is to have access to items while you're under siege. Yeah we should be good here for a while.



Barreling over the mountains at us first is Guenther and his party of... oh. OH. Yeah, it's one of THOSE maps. That explains the whole "who or what" thing. I thought Hugo was just being senile.



One down. Ogres don't even intimdate me in the slightest anymore. Next!



Do you remember the first time we saw a skeleton, Zach? It was the autumn of 1984 and I'd just gotten my wisdom teeth out. I started waving my arms wildly to warn my roommate about the approach of the creeping undead, but my face was so full of Novocaine he couldn't understand one word I was saying. Thinking about dentistry reminds me of Marathon Man, of course, the 1976 thriller directed by John Schlesinger and written by master wordsmith William Goldman. Laurence Olivier was great as the Nazi dentist, wasn't he? Schlesinger and Dustin Hoffman always did great work together, too. After all, that was seven years after Midnight Cowboy and they still made quite a team. No dentistry in that movie, though. Or skeletons.



Are you even listening to me, Zach?

Two down. Let's keep this moving.



Weinburg here manages to outlive his Ogre somehow, but not by very long. That's three.



Man, what is it with these guys and hanging around dead people? What, everybody's too good for a simple Goblin these days? That's four.



This is easy as hell, they're coming in one at a time so I can pick them off at my leisure. Hugo's a huge whiny baby.



God, the other Archmage was at least smart enough to stand behind his Ogre. Five down.



"Oh, we're so doomed, Freddie, we're surrounded by lame-ass amateurs with skeletons and our HQ will fall in no time!" How's that crow taste, Hugo? Need any help chewing it, you senile fuck? Six down and unless I missed something the HQ attack is over. Yawn.

Yeah I'm kind of glad I didn't do this battle right after Tremos Mountains I. It would have felt like such a letdown.



whoa jeez what is this i don't even



haha what?



just gonna go on record here as saying this was completely hilarious

Katreda didn't manage to kill BOTH Ogres, but still. It's amusing to me that she lost her last fight ( "lost" even though she killed the leader and took no casualties, it happens sometimes when both Pumpkin Showers focus on one target) and then completely ruined these Ogres, backwards, immediately afterward.



Freddie found an Altar of Resurrection on the ground. It was pretty sweet.



In the East, guarding this Stronghold I really have no reason to want to take, is Chamberlain and his horde of Ghosts. Katreda isn't very well-equipped to kill all those undead, but she can still probably take Chamberlain himself down easily enough.



Case in point.



More spoils! I'm sure you know what my opinion on Bloodstained Robes is by now. The Ogre Helm is new, though -- it's a pretty bitchin' Bane-element hat that makes you dumber but stronger (INT -5, STR +5). Sort of a Helm of the Fearless Lite.



I've sent Freddie down to Ibu Deli here for a very specific purpose. Well, two. One is that since he's a Priest unit he's pretty well-equipped to fight this Pumpkinhead unit.



I just barely got through Partha's meatshields and finished her off with the last attack I got -- it didn't help that Robert was Poisoned, but if this were any other status effect he probably wouldn't have been able to make this attack at all. Poison sucks, is what I'm getting at.



At this point Sheen found a pretty dress on the ground.



After liberating Ibu Deli, Freddie was immediately pictured standing by himself in the middle of nowhere. This can only mean one thing: whoever's standing behind that tree branch is going to join my battalion!

: "...Who's there!? Show yourself!"



Oh hey, it's this guy we haven't seen in like three chapters

Last we heard out of YOU, your boss fight was total bullshit, way back when I still had Soldiers!

: "...Y, You're!! Why are you here?"

In case you don't remember (understandably since it has been like fifty years), this guy is Debonair of the Wind, an MotBQ character.

: "We thought the Brigade of Radiant Cross was going to suppress the Bolmaukan uprising... But they headed for Palatinus instead. Their orders were to crush the infidels; it didn't make any sense... So I followed them, and this is where it brought me."

Yeah I guess Debonair caught and interrogated a Lodisian and all he was able to get out of him was "crush the infidels crush the infidels rabble rabble rabble." Then he walked for a while and the next thing he knew he was in the middle of the mountains on the other side of the country surrounded by goblins and shit. I'm getting the idea some sort of mind-altering substance was probably involved at some point.

: "Will Nirdam be alright without you?"

: "Don't worry... They were reunited with the Bolmaukans in the west, and their bond, their desire for freedom is even stronger. ...Destin and Gilbert are chasing the Caliginous Order. They'll end up here as well."

The more observant among you may remember that the kingdom of Nirdam is in the west and populated by Bolmaukans, so I'm not entirely sure what it was that Debonair was saying here, but to be fair I guess he's probably still pretty hopped up on whatever it was that got him all the way here.

: "I have no idea what Lodis is planning, but I do know their philosophy... the strong rules the weak... is wrong."



As cool as it would be to go "nah bro i'm pretty sure we got this " Debonair is awesome and I am recruiting him immediately.

: "Are you sure? I mean, for us...?"

: "I offered my help because I know you. You're a leader of many, are you not? ...Believe in yourself! Let's go, Freddie. We must stop them!"

Yeah he talks like this basically all the time. I like him anyway.



Yeah a Siren alone in the center column will die VERY quickly.



For example: this one. Ankiseth critted her to start the battle and she died on the second attack. I think that's a new record.



If you still don't have a Battle Fan, here's another shot. You need one of these by Chapter 4 or so. Any more than one is redundant, though.





Next up on the ol' chopping block is Gilliam. Man, you'd think one of the Monty Python guys would have a more imaginative unit than this. What's that skeleton even doing there in the middle row? At LEAST put one of the Zombies back there instead, Terry.



Fun fact: Despite being part Wind, Inferno apparently does not turn Skeletons into Ghosts. Fascinating, I know. I strive to educate.



gah fucking pumpkinheads you're only cool when you're on my side



Oh, hey: it's an Ahzi Dahaka unit! How intimidating! If ONLY I knew their ONE EXPLOITABLE WEAKNESS~~~



nyuck nyuck nyuck
ain't i a stinker



Yeah I was totally not expecting Tabatha to outlive her Dragon, but stuff like that happens when your unit is all frontliners and the enemy has a meatshield.



Fine by me!



The Sanscion is an Earth-elemental 2H hammer; it's better than Mjollnir by just a smidge and WAY better than Jeal's cheap POS.



Anyway since Gilliam is being a huge douche and pulling the whole "leaderless unit JUST HAPPENS to be milling around right on top of the enemy HQ" act I guess it's time to think about wrapping up here. Or boss for today is Eudika the Siren. Excellent use of meatshield, but let's be honest, it probably won't help.



On the way there, Meredia found a Peridot Sword, which is a Water-element rapier. It looks cool, but it's actually weaker than the Main Gauche. It does have the advantage of dealing elemental damage, though. We'll see what kind of mood I'm in.



Wow she's kind of all up in that Ogre's personal space.

: "The Infernal Aura is spreading across the land... The time has come... the resurrection. It is time for our queen to awaken. Our time has finally come."



Oh hey, cryptic prophecies. Yeah I'd say that was about all this storyline was missing. Dunno what occupying this area and seizing control of a whole bunch of towns populated by humans has to do with resurrecting their queen or whatever the fuck, but sure, let's do this.



Did she give her GOBLINS Sum Mannuses?



C'mon, c'mon...



Hm.

I shit you not, this is how that battle ended. I gotta say, I brought in a magic artillery unit to deal back-row damage and kill her off without having to worry about her Ogre armor, but it turned out like this. Takes some balls to declare victory after having all your subordinates die and being magicked to within an inch of your life, but that's the way the game works!



this just felt unfair



We've heard that name before. Baldwin insisted Mari had to be working for whoever this "Zeda" person is. How mysterious!!!



The Feather Suit is some pretty decent Wind-element clothing, and it's SUPER FABULOUS. It's going to whichever Siren I feel like dressing up like a '70s pop star.



Well, now that we've gone to this location which is apparently not actually between Celesis and the Temple of Berthe, and fought our way back toward Celesis, we're free to go to the Temple of Berthe, because that's how these things work. See you guys tomorrow, when I... do everything EXCEPT go to the Temple of Berthe.