Part 1: Episode I: Why Are We Doing This, Again?
Episode I: Why Are We Doing This, Again?
In recent years, Japan decided the best way to name a prequel was tossing a zero at the end of the series' title. Perhaps a snappy subtitle, but not necessarily. Welcome to Resident Evil 0. Your stay will be painful.
They have bitching jamborees.
Motherfucking emblems!
A game so shitty it took me three updates to finish as a MST3K gag. And sweet Jesus, it's canon.
Which would be completely forgotten in future games.
Other than the high level members of the company including a crossdresser, a monster in S&M gear, some chick with fire blood, and a transsexual.
The answers to the past three questions are a while ago, fruitcakes, and magic respectively. I honestly don't think there is a single person who asked a single one of these questions anyhow.
"Anyway, here's a train that doesn't have anything to do with anything from said incident."
"By the way, we're going to rewrite the timeline by adding a whole day between this game and the original game, while we're at it. You don't mind, right?"
"And if it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."
I like how the black guy is the only one on pictured not wearing a business suit.
He's reviewing his mandatory journal entry for this week. He's down by 3% on his ellipse quota.
Meanwhile, on spooky cliff in the distance...
This barefoot chap in a bath robe on the cliff side will be our villain for the duration of the game. His fruitiness level is a few clicks short of Alfred Ashford but surpassing Morpheus Duvall on the
scale.
While screenshots, obviously, cannot portray this. Mysterious character on the mountain top is singing opera (tenor.) I'm not sure where the accompanying foreboding music is emanating from. Perhaps he's doing it as well. It would fall in line for the plot that is going to follow...
Meanwhile, back on the train, detachable vaginas rain down upon the windows through the cliffside wizard's magical song.
Less than a minute in game and we've already encountered our first vaginal-esque creature. This doesn't bode well.
In case you're wondering, these are supposed to be leeches. Thousands of flying magical viral leeches raining from the sky and massacring the train's occupants.
What do you call the opposite of tentacle rape... Ya know what? I don't even want to know...
"In the year 2000..."
Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated event, we have the Bravo Team of the fabled S.T.A.R.S Team.
Now, Resident Evil 0 is one of those types of prequels that assume you've played the games released prior to it and doesn't do a lot to explain details from said titles, as a result.
So a little back story. Skip the following as you see fit.
So, for those who do not know, S.T.A.R.S. is the special forces team of the Raccoon City (the city near where this game takes place, seen in Resident Evil 2 and 3) Police Department. Basically, they're a glorified SWAT team with retarded non-matching uniforms and really aren't anything much impressive at all. Yet, somehow, they manage to be world-renowned, despite the fact that they are, again, a glorified SWAT team of some Podunk town in the Mid-West.
The S.T.A.R.S. unit has two teams. The Alpha Team, which is somewhat competent, in the yokel cop shmuck sort of way. Alpha Team is focused on in the original Resident Evil, which we'll get to in another thread.
This game is about Bravo Team. Bravo Team is like the third string players of a basketball team. Or the nerdy kids who get picked last for a game. Or Wisconsin. Case in point, they are starting their mission at 10:00 PM for no reason other than it is spooky.
So, we have our cast of
Next, we have Edward Dewey. Old Dewey was originally just a name drop in Resident Evil 1's manual and a severed hand picked up by a soon to be killed Red Shirt. For reasons unknown, he was dubbed worthy of being a minor character who will be dead within two updates.
Next, we have Enrico Marini. Enrico is the leader of Bravo Team. Enrico serves proudly as the only character to have an equally terrible voice actor in both the original Resident Evil and its remake/prequel. Like any good team leader should.
After that, there is Forrest Speyer. Perhaps Bravo Team's biggest pussy, as he will go on to be killed by crows. I mean, honestly. Crows. Who gets killed by crows?
After that, we have Kenneth J. Sullivan the team's affirmative action member. Someone would say something about him falling asleep ten minutes into the mission, but they fear being racist.
He is followed by Richard Aiken. A man plagued by terrible demons. Ouch.
You got all that? Good. The game isn't really about any of these morons. It's about this one - Rebecca Chambers. Bravo Team's 18 year old expert field medic and newest member of the group. So new that the guys on Alpha Team don't even know who the hell she is.
Rebecca Chambers is Chris Redfield's secondary character in the original Resident Evil. She is a somewhat minor character who served no real purpose other than allowing the developers to claim there were three playable characters.
The author of the Resident Evil novel series
apparently has some bizarre fixation on Ms. Chambers. As does Capcom, apparently, as they gave her this game. Anyhow, she will be our star for the duration. So let's get on with it...
But, really, the S.T.A.R.S. training regiment would have members having difficulty controlling a crowd of three crying infants. So this isn't saying much.
Looks like Alpha Team stuck another firecracker in the Bravo Team helicopter motor. Second time this month. Last week they drew a huge penis on the underside of the chopper. That was a hoot.
I might as well mention the two men pictured are the only two characters on the Bravo Team, outside Rebecca, of which they bothered to pay for a voice actor for. Everyone else will remain the quietest special forces team ever.
An emergency landing in the middle of a heavily wooded forest isn't the best of situations. Good thing old Kevin manages to crash into the middle of a somewhat open field in time for the Resident Evil 1.
Not checking to see if everyone is alright or if the helicopter can be repaired, the team shuffles out and prepares to search, on foot, for the murderers they're after in the dozens of miles thick Raccoon Forest.
Our flat-chested heroine takes no delay in establishing she's utterly lame.
Maybe it's just me, but it seems counter-productive to retcon Red Shirts into your storyline. But hey, what do I know.
<cricket chirp>
"Can I get a roger? An okay? Why the fuck don't any of you say anything?!"A few minutes of searching pass...
Enrico is checking out Rebecca's rather sizable badunkadonk.
Oh hey, the barely legal rookie who started work yesterday managed to be the only one to spot an overturned van out of a group of six elite police officers.
To make no mention of the rotting corpses pouring out of the side of it. Perhaps not discriminating against mutes was a poor decision on S.T.A.R.S.' part.
Necrophilia...
"I found the game's script tossed a few meters from the wreckage." "How's it look?" "Retarded."
It is against the law to have two men named "William" in a series.
"...a manicure."
Richard's rape face in Rebecca's direction is a few clicks above unsettling. Likely the reason the homely female member of the group got stuck on this team.
Either Rebecca has a very tiny head or Ed has colossal man hands.
"There's a skilled killer on the loose in a foggy woods and we have no back-up. Let's separate like it's a caper on Scooby Doo! I always wanted to do that."
"Should we pair up or something?" "No! Shut the fuck up and get out of my sight!"
Thus, the newbie, thin-as-a-rail, hard pressed to take down a middle schooler, Rebecca is cast out on her own in the dark, murky woods to seek out an armed burly ex-Marine murder.
I'd also like to add the flashlight she is equipped with was neither present in the previous scene nor shall it be present at any point following this scene. It will then travel through a dimensional gateway and come into the possession, again for a brief stint, of Ashley Graham some six years in the future.
Well, good thing that conductor, being orally violated by a leech, from earlier in the intro had the good sense to hit the break at some point.
Officer Chambers approaches the 'Ecliptic Express' as the menacing rainfall falls into high gear.
Only applicable to logic, reason, plausibility, and sanity.
Tune in next time for surprise zombies, secondary character introductions, and minor character deaths.
Bonus Content:
Hybrid LP? The fuck does that mean? Just watch the intro:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-WB4khQQnM /Backup