Part 17: Episode XVII: I am Vengence. I am the Night.

Episode XVII: I am Vengence. I am the Night.

When last we left our heroes, they switched discs, causing the entire observatory building they were in to lower an entire floor. Has no one heard of building fucking stairs? With that said, let's begin...


Umbrella hates astronomy. Until their viral escapades take them into...space. You heard it here first, folks! Wesker had to make it to that spy space station somehow.


Outside the observatory is a church. I'm sure people ducked in here to confess their sins after their shifts of sawing off baby's arms and injecting them with viruses to see if they'd grow tentacles but before getting back to the cutting people open and pouring super heated Ramen noodles onto their brain stem. Viral Ramen noodles...


The door is, of course, locked.


The back is also locked. And the elevator is without power. So, what the hell?


Why, another utterly contrived 'let's split up our characters' puzzle. The plate Billy is standing on is pressure sensitive. Instead of doing something sensible, like putting one of the bulky weapons in their inventory down...

"I'm going to stand right here, finish off this pack of smokes, and you're going to check out the church."
"Why am I not surprised."
"I'm Jewish. I'm not setting foot in that dump. Unless there's something that can kill things even better than this grenade launcher...in my pants."
"Could you quit with the juvenile humor?"
"...I'm talking about the actual grenade launcher I hauled from the main hallway. We're not backtracking in that building."
"Oh..."
"Also, my penis."
"I'll be going now..."


Well, that's a remarkable waste of space between the seats here. We're they expecting to back the Popemobile into the center of the room, at some point down the line? Is that why the observatory lowers?


The back room reveals... Absolutely nothing, other than some ammo and a save point... Right, then...

Rebecca shrugs her shoulders and heads back outside...



What will it be, folks?


A crazed mutant priest?


A zombie panda?


Frank Zappa?


If you choose any of these three... You're wrong...



It's just a big ass zombie bat.


"Now, this is just silly. How did it even fit in here?"

Five minutes later...


<huff> <huff>
"Find anything?"


"Err... Nothing we need to talk about..." /Backup


"But...err...anyway. There's a bunch of ammo in the back room there. It's nothing I use, so I left it."
"Now you're catching on, girlie. What's back there?"
"Oh, a couple of shotgun shell boxes and some grenade ammo."
"Tits. Park your fat ass for a minute on that panel. Be back with my reward."
"Yes, sir..."
"Maybe you'll become tolerable before this stupid ass adventure is over."


_{"Have fun..."}


"Buh?"


"WHAAAAA! SON OF A MOTHERFUCKING SHIT COCK!"


"YOU FUCKING ASSCLOWN FUCKER!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?!?! FUUUUUUUCK!"


"What are you... Get that thing away from me! FUUUUUUUUUUCK NUUUUTS!"


"I almost feel kind of bad. Oh well, hopefully he left some of that..."


"The fuck are you staring at?"
"Oh... I-It's you..."
"Fucking Mistress of the Obvious here."
"What was all that commotion?"
"Me being pissed at your inability to count."
"Wha?"


"There was only one box of shotgun shells. A couple? I should shove this box up your throat and see if a second one pops out your ass."
"But. I heard screeching and stuff. Was there something in there?"
"Oh, yeah. A giant bat or some shit. No big deal."


"Jews...


"...hate..."


"...bats!"


"So, anyway. Get your ass in gear. I found a hole in the ceiling you can use that grappling hook thing on."
"Why would I want to do that?"
"The fuck should I know. Hole in the ceiling." <snaps fingers>
_{"Poor bat..."}



So, our heroine circumvents the head high gate to the church back yard by climbing onto the roof and climbing down a ladder leading to the back. Why there's a ladder with direct access to a church roof, the world may never know.




Thus, the saga of the most out of place church in history comes to a close.


"What's that smell...? Haha. You farted. Hey, everyone! Rebecca farted!"
"Who are you talking to? There's nobody around to tell that to."
"Bwahaha. So you admit you farted?"
"I hate you..."

Tune in next time for yet another contrived partner split-up, dopey item collection galore, and more files than you can handle!

Bonus Content:

Rebecca learns to fly:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpbniMKJiYs /Backup