Part 15: Episode XV: Inflight Movie

"Is Alfred still flying us in circles?"
"Yeah... Well, we'll fly straight every time he decides to call back and moon us. But other than that, pretty much."
"You just had to let him go, didn't you?"
"Geez. I said I was soree."
"Fifty bucks says you die by the end of the game."
"Fine, you're on! If I win, you've got to let me see your boobies."
"Are you 14 years old...?"
"..."
"..."
"Going in the cargo hold for a bit. Don't open up for like 15 minutes."

"God, you're boring. Hey, does this thing get. Hey, does this thing get cable."
"Uhh... Well, it would make about as much sense as everything else that's happened so far..."
"Hey, it does! Shut up and see what's on."

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

Yeah, rub it in Nietzsche. Fucking prick...

We're treated to the obligatory prologue.

It was, however, an infinitely more interesting location...

Welcome to Sheena Island.
We all float down here.

You wanna talk about that bitter beer taste, have a sip of that Ostrich Beer brew. Rancid stuff, I tell ya.
I don't even want to know how they brew that.

Elsewhere, a guy in pajamas hangs on for dear life to a helicopter from a 1995 PC game.

Jack Bauer is the only one who can take down a helicopter with a pistol. Who does this guy think he is?

Oh...dead. Very dead.

Not looking too good for the chopper, either.

Our apparent hero flops out of the wreckage, slowly being engulfed by pixels.

Oh, for the love of God... This guy has, that's right...amnesia...
This guy being...?
Well err... God, really? Amnesia? Like in bad soap opera plots? This guy... His name is Hernando until further notice. As goofy Spanish soap operas make me smile.

You are Hernando. Get used to it, dipshit.

Hernando enters the nearby alley.
He is armed with precious little but a pistol...with infinite ammo.
He didn't submit in the torture room, you see.

Hey, that looks vaguely like Pajama Guy.

It is Pajama Guy! Pajama guy can potentially be the main villain of the game. But fell about 50 feet and faceplanted on cement. So, he is now classified as very dead.

Man-hands taken to the next level.

It's got a good ring to it.
At least it sounds somewhat like a real name. Burnside? What, are you a German heavy metal guitarist?
I may moonlight.

"Nobody intelligent, at least."

"I thought it was a good joke."

"I disagree."

Hernando deals with hecklers worse than Kramer.

There's a couple different paths to go here. It's to encourage replays. Let me say clearly: there will never be a replay.

Anyway, we're going this way because it has silly pictures on the door.
Pay close attention to this door texture. It's the highest resolution thing you're going to see in this game.

This leads to a movie theater. It's currently running Dr. Dolittle, Godzilla, Halloween H20, Lost in Space, and Titanic...still.
Yeah, it's one of those sort of theaters.

Hernando heads upstairs to splice pictures of penises in single frame inserts to the movies.

Oh yeah, there's a film being force choked behind the projector.

Slide: Raccoon City
"After the Destruction" Report

Yes, we know Resident Evil 1. It's only been ported about a half times with no less than four upgrade versions and a remake. We get it.

Simpler, more innocent times, before the advent of superpower resurrections.
Oh hey, Nicholai. The main human villain from Resident Evil 3.

"I'm sort of assuming that whole 'break into the paranoid guy with doomsday viruses' secret underground security filled lab to assassinate him' thing didn't pan out, huh guys?"

Nicholai was probably writing this just after furiously searching for a lost emblem to the Clock Tower men's room.

Hahahahahahaha-

--hahahahahahahahaha-

--hahaha.
Oh, that was a good one, Nikkie. Thanks, I needed that.

(As a subnote,  this means that the scenario where Nicholai survives Resident Evil 3 is what panned out. )

After reading that little recap from a minor villain, Hernando storms the back room for a film to play. Why? Why not.

Ugh, it's that gross sex-ed video from back in high school. Vince grabs the key that is newly revealed before they get to the part with the STD slideshow.

Hernando grabs the key and heads out the back.

SWEET CAESER'S GHOST! Resident Evil 2 models were not meant to be seen that close-up. I should know.

The Cerberuses are actually the most difficult standard enemies in the game in a straight up fight. Mostly, because they're bleeding hard as hell to hit with the awful aiming system. Should you hit one while it circles about, the viewpoint shifts to look directly at them.

Trouble is, the crosshairs also shift, and you're forced to realign your shot, meanwhile, it's circled around and jumping in your face.

And crows... Just be happy crows don't do nearly any damage and are only seen once or twice...

Phone's a ringing, fool!

English teacher is a weeping, fool!

Motherfucking Lickers!

Lickers are also a recycled enemy from Resident Evil 2. They're blind, what with the brain on the outside and all. So, they'll only attack when you run or shoot. They'll do a sweeping attack for minimal damage if close by. Use their lance like Gene Simmons tongue for mid-range. Or do a crazy howling leap attack for heavy damage, as shown by that one spazzing.

In this game, they are easily bypassed by running around them... Or, right through them, a good amount of the time.

Running past and grabbing another key.

The phone is ringing again. The person on the line is rude and doesn't give their name, much like our Espanola soap actor.
So, I'm going to assume it is none other than German fiction author, Franz Kafka.

"No umm...wrong number."
"Funny, I don't look like a Vincent. Maybe a Franklin..."

Good grief. A dark past we don't care about presents itself!

"Your career by starring in this."

Kafka hangs up and returns to his wily tails of bug transformations.

Again, three paths to choose from. This one is the most important choice, as it determines who will get impaled by the Tyrant be Herna-Vincent's nemesis.

Going left leads to an arcade, in which case a mysterious (in the Jack Krauser introduced and killed within two scenes sense) mercenary type.

Going right will lead to the hospital, in which case Mr. Pajama Guy will recover from his 50 foot hug with cement to stalk our...is this guy even remotely a hero?
I don't think so...no... He is... He's just a guy. Let's leave it at that.
Well, our guy will get trouble from him.

But me? I'm heading straight. Straight to the library. In which case Vincent's foe will be...

A short, stocky, bald little janitor man...

No, Vincent. You'll kill him with those seel clubs!

Show mercy. Those hands are bigger than he is.

A helicopter overhead interrupts this odd little encounter.

"Then, where did the zombies come from?"
"Kafka..."

DeVito flees into a nearby room.

Vinnie takes approximately 10 seconds to react to this...

As pictured.

La biblioteca has only one open route, upstairs. So that's where Vinny heads.

So...did he want him to die somewhere less fitting...like a mini-golf course, perhaps? Or, is Vincent not a killer...? I'm confused.
Try not to think about it too much.

In any case, a monster recycled from Resident Evil 1, character model sounds and all, attacks Vin.
Keep in mind, this game was released in 2000 at the same time as Code Veronica on the Dreamcast and a few months after Nemesis on the PSX... Resident Evil 1 was from early 1996.

The Hunters...meh. You'll see them in a better game soon enough.
Our game is not good.
It's a work of art compared to this.
There is truth in this statement...

As soon as the Hunter is slain, DeVito is kind enough to unlock the door and flee back from where he came. Funny little guy, that.

Vincent chases after. Unfortunately, Danny is long gone. In his place, another file suspended by the power of psychokenesis.
Place your controller on the floor and someone may very well make it shake by the power of their will alone.

Umbrella Top Secret File

My eyes only, huh? Let me put those to use.

Thanks to Resident Evil 0, we now know the person responsible for it:

This guy. Who is actually a sixty year old man who was assassinated, then resurrected by zombie leeches. Made himself fourty years younger by virus magic, dressed up like a final fantasy reject, then went to work with his army of mutant zombie leeches wrecking up shit by controlling them through his power of opera singing.
You're kidding me...
No, I didn't make any of that up...
I thought our game was wacky.

"Good luck with these camera angles, though."

"Shoot them. But if they move maybe you can't shoot them no good."

You know guys, they don't have ears either... I'm sensing a monster design versus monster mannerism flaw.

Or, a burning stick. But hey, use high explosives if you're in to that thing.

The T-Virus contaminates human DNA? What is it doing the rest of the time? Giving acne outbreaks? This fucking virus.

"Pay no attention to the multiple times they've been easily defeated with a rocket launcher. Flukes!"

"They'd still be stuck in this game..."

Vincent heads further into the library. There he finds a manhole opener. Yeah, I don't know why it's there either.
I blame the Mario Brothers.

Specifically, Luigi. That prick is up to no good.

Power-up mushroom?

FUCK! BUGS!
FUUUUUUCK!

Run away... RUN AWAY!

Escaping the insect menace, Vin finds a place with someone who wants intruders out. And also loves Nickelodeon orange.

Our guy blatantly disregards neon spraypaint and bravely enters. More file goodness.

Sewer Caretaker, Andy's Diary

They take the position of mayor a bit seriously in this neck of the woods. This is DeVito's diary, by the way. Andy DeVito. Doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well.

"Lalalala! Not listening!"

He forced the whole city to watch BASEketball.

"Just a simple masturbatory token for my dark sewer dungeon visit. What an ass."

I'm digging the blatantly redrawn hand. Never a good sign when the developers are embarrassed of close-ups of their own work...

"Curse me for...whatever that thing I did was. The crazy sewer dwelling dwarf said mean things. God, I'm a monster!"

The door opens behind Vin.

"I am the Ghost of 1st Generation PSX Games Past, Ebenezer."

I once more don't know this character's name. He looks like a... A Felix.
No magic bag included, I trust.
If only we were so lucky.

Christ, this island has some easily spooked people.

"Hey, I found your pencil."
"NO! Please God kill me and cannibalize my corpse!"

"Hey, do you know the direction to the nearest..."
"Rape! Rape!"
I had that happen to me once.
"You yelled 'rape' when some guy asked you directions?"
"...walked right into that one."

The kid runs off.

That was a kid, right? I think it was. It sort of sounded like one. But, my judgement on these things sucks.
I...maybe... It was male, at least. That's good enough for me.

"Don't open that...door."

Vinnie makes chase, but that kid is just plane gone. By the way, a short jog and he finds himself out of the sewer. This, of course, leads to...

The location could really use some work.

Paradise proves...to have really let itself go...

At least Hell manages to still be pretty metal.

They say it like it's a distinct choice.

The prison is locked, so our guy heads into the offices. More file zaniness!
Also a key. So forget about that locked door business.
Figures, this is the game in the series with the least backtracking...

Prison Chief's Diary

You know this guy and Alfie have hour long chats on AIM at night.

So, hey, Vinnie. You sort of sound like a dick....
Getting on with things, Vincent finds the game giving him subtle suggestions as to what he ought to do.

Pixelated nudity alert ahead in the prison sector.
Figures you'd point that out.
Enough with the gay jokes. Don't make me have to have a random romance with you next act.
Hah, you wish.

One of the cells holds a brief (in the really wordy sense) bit of escapism from this madness.

An Imprisoned Boy's Diary

It took me that long to figure out what the fuck too when I was kidnapped by Will Smith.

...a real startling revelation.

Umbrella Incorporated

Schedule for the week:

Monday: Horrible Experimentations
Tuesday: Torture
Wednesday: Arcade Party and Ice Cream Social

Thursday: Torture
Friday: Dance Fever on the Floor
Saturday: Execution Roulette
Sunday: A Day of Prayer and Rest

"That bastard Wonka will pay for this!"

And Dickhead Island used to be such a nice place settle down and raise kids.

It's like Umbrella is targeting the Planeteers for its experiments...

Hahaha. Punked.

Vincent hurries on.

Probably feeling just great about his horrible barbarism.
Still thinking he looks like more of a Bob or a Sam.
Maybe more of a Leslie.

The showers are nearby. They hold a special treat. Don't even make a gay joke.
I think the folks at home don't need the added help.

Warm boomstick action. Sadly, unlike the pistol, this lacks infinite ammo.
And as such, only gets used if you suck.

Vincent finds the exit to the compound, just past the firing range.
I miss the days when Umbrella were just kind of amoral assholes and not sadistic ridiculously evil assholes.
There's a difference?
Only in my heart.

Vin climbs that tower the politically correct human test subjects spoke of, then uses the rope to slide right down.
There was nothing actually up there.
Capcom just loves load screens.

Sweet fancy Moses! It's another recycled Resident Evil 2 monster! Am I going to talk about him...? Nah. Use your imagination.

Vince ascends to a nearby rooftop.

Meet the only unique enemies of the game - The Cleaners. These guys are deformed soldier drones. From a range, they have small machine guns they can fire off. They can also pistol whip up close.

But, unless they're positioned in a place to easily fire and have a clear line of sight...they'll mostly just roll toward our guy. Then, even when they reach him, unless he's standing still for a few seconds...they'll probably err...just keep rolling. It's pretty surprising when they actually attack, everything said... But man, they can put Donkey Kong to shame with that rolling (only...it doesn't hurt at all.)

Lastly, they take one to two shots with the standard handgun to kill. When they die, they make a roar which sounds not unlike a stock tiger roar. Then they melt, not unlike Ganado.

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck either. Neither did Capcom. As such, they're never heard from prior to or after this game.
It's best to forget they were here in the first place...

Vinnie passes the rooftop and a small warehouse, slaughtering a good 30 Cleaners along the way. Taking all of a single hit resulting in roughly 5% damage.

Or, it could just be a big advertisement and this could be a Starbucks.
But hey, say what you will.

Vince suddenly gets a mean brain freeze.
Those sting, I tell ya what.

[FLASHBACK]

[/FLASHBACK]

He's just now noticing someone grafted fish fins to his arms.

Onward to the rest of this terrible game!

Why do I hate myself so? What sins have I committed to need such severe punishment to repent? Well, I guess murdering that hobo was a bit mean spirited. But, did he have to play Resident Evil Survivor?! I think not. Tune in for the schmuck that does on the exciting second half Episode XVI: Made for TV Movie

Bonus Content

I almost long for that old Resident Evil live action FMV:
Video

Kafka on the phone:
Video

Andy Devito Enters:
Video

They did not catch his good side:
Video