Part 5: Episode V: Electric Tits

Episode V: Electric Tits

When last we left our hero, he did battle with the most idiotic redesign of a creature the series has to offer...so far... With that said, let's get crazy...


Bruce finds himself in even more muddy, dimly lit generic hallways.


There are, of course, the undead to keep him company. As we will not be seeing any survivors at any point. So don't even expect to see one. The budget only had room for three terrible characters. Radio Dude was just Bruce showing off his skills in ventriloquism.


Moving right along, Bruce now finds himself in another circular hallway this game seems so fond of. This is actually the other side of that shutter at the base of the big main shaft. There's not much going on down here at the moment.



Another arbitrary fetch quest crops up. For what it's worth, there are absolutely no emblems to be found in this game.

Bruce heads through that first large set of doors he past.


Ah. A cargo room. Will the stunning vistas never cease?


The ship's crew stores their valuables in nailed shut crates in this room. Unfortunately, a Gordon Freeman Special is required to open any of them. As is an exceedingly goofy pseudo-boss fight.


Moving right along, an ominous door appears...to be locked by an electronic lock. This fucking ship.


Down the hallway leads to that fabled TV personality screening room the file from earlier was talking about.



There's also an electronically locked set of stairs. I'm seeing a pattern here.


Bruce heads into the main stage of the conference area. The podium knocked to the ground as if to symbolize the fall of Umbrella. Or they figured disarray = spooky. Probably the latter. Anyhow, a pair of nifty items can be seen ahead.


I heard poor Gordon had to pawn this off for a can of food when he was backpacking across East Europe.

Next to the bizarrely placed crowbar, we have a rather lengthy file. This game may be short, but it does not skimp on the diaries, reports, and memos.

Research Report #220329

Pictured: Bad Idea.



They omitted the fine print saying what 'hunter' they're referring to.


Pictured: Worse Idea.



Correct me if I'm wrong, but hadn't they worked out the whole "exposed vital organ" kink back in 1998? Heck, they were clothing the Tyrants back then. What happened?


Pictured: Worst Idea.



Emphasis on 'much'.


Alright. So how in the fuck does a virus that reanimates the dead and one that violently mutates people to the point they're giant creeping vagina blobs combine to make electricity? Nikola Tesla would be totally down for this shit.

Nearby...


Hey, Raiden! Get back over to the Metal Gear Solid 4 set!


How did Morpheus manage to kill everyone on the boat but never think to cut the power to the thing. You'd think that would be priority in a massacre.


Our hero, spooked by the dark or something, readiest himself by...ducking behind an automatic sliding door...


This could lead to some compli-


What...


The...


FUCK?!


Before you ask.

Yes, that is Morpheus.
Yes, he has become a Tyrant.
Yes, he is conducting electricity for no apparent reason.
Yes, he also stripped naked for no apparent reason.
Yes, he no longer has a dick.
Yes, he does have tits.
Yes, they too are electric.
Yes, things have gone off the deep end...


Bruce tries to ward off this fucking bizarre turn of events by lighting a sparkler.


Morph..ena? What's the feminine form of Morpheus? The shim is not amused.


I'd also like to draw your attention to the fact s/he has grown flesh high heel boots...


Morpheus retaliates by sticking his thumb through Bruce's throat. Quite a brutal way to go.


Oh yes, she's also fully capable of speaking normally. With a distorted even more effeminate voice. Same amount of wonderful dialogue, thankfully.


Bruce McGivern doesn't like transsexuals...


He loves them.



Remember how that file from thirty seconds ago was rambling about how their T/G-Virus (hur, get it?) had a long ways to go before its electrical capabilities were worth a damn? Well, Morpheus has magically gone that long ways and now has an impenetrable electromagnetic field that deflects bullets. I really wish I were making this shit up...


At least he didn't inherit Alfred Ashford's giggle.


So, an invincible undead mutant trannie with electrical magic. This couldn't possibly get any more ridiculous, could it?





He's also a gymnastic master of kung fu, now...

A gimmicky running like hell why the mutant ballerina bounds after you sequence commences back through the previous couple of areas.


Remember Bruce now has a crowbar to crack open these crates. That's great, because that's exactly what he's doing next. There are eight crates scattered across the room.


Seven of them are empty.


One holds a keycard. A game of finding which of the random crates holds the keycard, while Morpheus flips and frolics about the room trying to kill you, commences.

Bruce does as much. Taking a couple of flesh high heel boot kicks to the noggin in the process.


Back to the circular hallway. The keycard is put to good use.

Bruce initiates running away like a goofy moron. I couldn't decide which screencap was funniest. Perhaps you can...







This goes on for a bit...

Up ahead a ways...


Fongling is busy trying to shove that assault rifle back down her pants.


Something goofy this way comes.



Bruce manages to slam the door shut just behind him. Morpheus seems to have put all his skill points into agility, so a thin metal door and a lanky guy pushing against it thwart her assault.



She's been trying to open this stupid door since the last update. Climbing over it never occurred to her. Then again, she doesn't have a stretching neck like Mr. Fantastic.


Fong begrudgingly climbs on into the next update.

Tune in next time for more unnecessary character swaps, dopey running catch phrases, and more of my eroding sanity.

Bonus Content:

Morpheus' Fabulous Make-Over:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9BcfO2yg8s

Bruce McGivern runs like a girl:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxP6Hlu_9jQ