Part 5: Repping the Row

I think it's nigh about time we kick start this game's plot, don't you guys? Let's do that. This also gives me something to do instead of watching a boring, commentary-less, speedrun.

I swear, if you're going to play Pokemon Blue blindfolded, the least you could do is talk about it instead of asking for total silence. Anyway...



Last time we gained infinite power. Let's go abuse that power.



Talking to the security guard prompts him trying to mace us again. It doesn't work this time!

: What the fuck? Oh NO!



We're thrown into a battle with an overweight idiot. He has some special dialogue, but this is also about the strength of a random battle. The only attack I've ever seen him use is him trying to taze you. If you fail to block that, then you get stunned for a few turns.

: (idle) Hey, what are you doing?
: (idle) Let's move this fight along, sir.
: (idle) This is private property, sir.
: (idle) Sir, you are making me late for my Elk's club meeting.
: (idle) Sir, I have taken a three hour combat workshop in the deadly arts.
: (dying) Move... along.



This is wildly exciting, I know.





Two updates ago I complained about there being no nightsticks as weapons. Despite having recorded this section in one giant three hour block, I had honestly forgotten about this "billy club" weapon. It's not very good, so we're not going to use it.



Before we talk to Token, let's raid his garage. Up on the second floor of the garage, we find something I've been waiting on.



That Friar Cap is one of the better early-game armors. The set it's part of is particularly awesome.



It has "Gain 1 PP when healed" innate. This is something of a theme with the armor set, as you'll come to find out soon.





I think this is 8 or 9? We're still on target to collect all of them, so no worries yet.



: Yeah?



: Can I... help you?



: What's this?...Oh, the elves took the Stick again? Hang on a second.





: Thank you for thy message, traveler! I shall make haste to Kupa Keep! (walking to the right) Mom! Can you drive me to Eric's house?

We're now friends with Token on Facebook, and that's the first of the wayward warriors finally collected.



: Move along, sir. I can't look at you without feelings of deep personal shame.

Getting your ass kicked by two nine year olds will do a lot for your humility. Now, there's one last part of the top row of town we haven't yet explored.



: Asses of Fire 2 is out, guys. They spent 250 million on it, it's gonna be awesome.
_{Butters and Craig like this.}

Last time we talked to the shop bum, but the screen continues to his right.



: My class is Healer. You can't just change it to Blacksmith, Cartman.
: Don't fight it Token. You're born a Blacksmith. I just look at you and I think Blacksmith, you know? Not sure why.



You can climb up into the back of this U-STOR-IT truck. The staircase of boxes is supposed to be a hint you can do this, but it can be easy to overlook.



Three homeless people were hardly a challenge and that was two levels ago, so I want you to imagine just how difficult this combat encounter was. It wasn't.

There's also a dye you can pick up in the little treasure chest above the homeless person. It's like orange-gold or something.



Anyway, the final screen of the top row is over here. Just wander up this path.



This is the home of that insane redneck farmer. You know, the one that killed Scott Tenorman's parents.

As of the time of this writing (4:30 AM on August 1, 2015) that episode isn't available for streaming on that website. But I included the link for reference's sake all the same.



The fifth kindergartner is hiding over to the left.



: Aww you founded me.



Jimbo didn't give us a very good explanation on the hunting quest, but one of the things we need to hunt is a cow. So, let's attach the bell he gave us to this fencepost.



Like so.



Oh look, there's our cow prey now.

Now, I gotta warn you guys. This is a very difficult fight and it took me several retries before I got it just right. So scroll down once you're ready to see the strategy I used to beat the cow.








































Sorry, I couldn't help myself.



Now, if you remember two updates ago, I told you that you could leave to the south off this screen and it would put us pretty close to Kupa Keep.



Right now we're one screen to the right of Kupa Keep. You may recall that there was a swarm of rats preventing us from coming this way initially. Right in front of us is Francis, who has some dialogue.

: My frost giant is invincible.

If you break his snowman...

: You have slain the mighty frost giant. I stand in awe of you, hero.
: I continue to admire your awesomeness.

He friends you on Facebook!





There are 121 friends in the game, so we've got quite a ways to go. Yes, several of them are permanently missable as well. Oh, and our ranged damage is now more awesome than before.



This must be Kyle's house. Strange that we haven't seen him or Stan yet...

: Welcome to the neighborhood!
: Hey, if you ever wanna sue anybody, you can come to me first okay?
: You ever wonder what it'd be like to be a dolphin? Just... doing flips, eating fish, not a care in the world?

: Just landed a new celebrity client. I can't reveal her name but let's just say she's a 300-ft tall robot dinosaur.
_{Randy likes this.}
: Come on, one hint.

The Broflovski house and garage are both locked, so we can't enter them yet.



However, the Marsh garage is not secured at all. Time to get to looting!



We'll equip these later, but this is another nice piece of armor. If I recall, it has a thorns effect.





: Well this is Stan's house but he isn't here right now.

: Hey guys, grab a beer and join me for SportsCenter.
: Oh, Stan's out playing that game too. I wanted to come but he wouldn't let me so I'm drinking beer instead.

Douchebag is pointedly looking at the floor and not at Randy Marsh's awful flabby hairy body.





Stan's room, ladies and gents. If we try to look in his closet...

: I'm never coming out!



More underpants for our weird collection.



This is laying on the floor in front of his toybox. Those arrows are actually directions to something that I never found the first several times I played this. I guess I never put 2 and 2 together.

That's all there is in Stan's room, so let's see what's next door.







: Who the fuck are you? I'm gonna KILL YOU, turd!

The game then kicks us out of her room. So let's visit the master bedroom across the hallway, I guess.





I think this is the fourth pair we've found.



So how DO you kill that which has no life?



Moving on, let's head left.



We're back at Cartman's house. While we're here, let's do something I forgot to do earlier.





They wouldn't have been of any use to us earlier.



Over at the bus stop, let's talk to Kelly again now that we have a bunch of friends.

: Hey, you're getting popular. I need to get in on that!
: Keep getting more popular, New Kid. Don't let me down.

We need 26 friends for her to actually notice us. You may also notice that I put the goatee back on Douchebag. I'm preparing for something we're about to do in a minute.



First we need to travel back to the police station. If you fast travel from the bus stop, you get this cutscene.

: Ooh fast travel Timmy.



: I could swear Romper Stomper had a couple more years on his sentence, but you DO have the key...



: Thanks. Now finally I can go see a Disneyland that hasn't been snuck into prison in some kid's asshole.
: Get out of here and leave me alone, pervert.

We're friends with Romper Stomper now.

Anyway, the duffel bag in his cell had the item I needed.



We look pretty badass. Kind of familiar... hard to place, though.



Yeah, kind of like Heisenberg.



Before I forget, let's return Kevin's dad's iPad.

: Well done! The galaxy is in your debt. Let it be known that I have been... and will always be... your friend. On Facebook.
: Live long and prosper.

Kevin Stoley is now our Facebook friend!

: Greetings, human. This is an incoming transmission from the U.S.S. Kevin. We are currently orbiting Earth and are prepared to provide photon torpedo support. Kevin out.
: Okay, seriously, Kevin. There are no fucking spaceships in Zaron. Okay?
: It's just humans and elves and they don't have fucking phasers, they have swords and arrows.
: Forgive me, admiral. My Vulcan half does not always prevent me from doing illogical things.



We get a new ranged weapon from Kevin.



Meh. I'm honestly not sure what use slow has as a debuff. I played through this entire game, start to finish, last night and got slowed several times. It doesn't cause tick damage, so my best guess is just that it makes you move later in the turn order?



I didn't see it at the time, but there's a Chinpokomon behind that pile of wood. There's one more screen in this part of town.



We also look a lot less badass now. I didn't think to grab a shot, but all the armor does is add some defense and give us the thorns effect. I'm not sure I want to know why a sock is tied around the rope belt.



Anyway, we need to go across the tracks to the poor side of town.



We need to go to Kenny's house.



: What? Oh this isn't for me. This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out in the back.



I stand corrected. We need to go to Kenny's garage.



This is the whole reason I pretended we look anything remotely like Heisenberg. This is for an achievement.

: Yeah, yeah. We got the package for Tweek Coffee. You got the envelope?

: Uh, these witch doctors must be cooking up a secret potion. I wonder if it's a healing potion...
: These guys might be scientists...





: Hey... that's not the usual kid that picks up the package.
: Huh? Oh shit. It's a COP!!



You see, we're here to beat up people who have a meth lab in the McCormick Garage, and the game has an achievement for doing so while wearing a bald cap and the evil cartman goatee.



: (idle) ain't got all day, pig!
: (idle) Are you gonna arrest me or what?

The game thinks this is a boss fight. These guys are slightly upgraded hobos that get the first attack in on you.



I only saw one attack of note, which was this...



I even captured the projectile flying through the air. That lady threw a molotov at Butters with predictable results. That is to say, Butters went down like a sack of potatoes. However, this gives me a chance to show off how revive potions work!



You just kinda hold the taco aloft and your companion is jerked back to consciousness like a puppet on strings.



They go down pretty quickly after that. Now, if you look just over Douchebag's head, you can make out flames. That's actually an environmental hazard, and it will damage you if you run into it. So we have to take the long way around.





Destroy the roof here and you can climb out of the house.





There's a treasure chest up here.





This club is just as good as our tesla wand, and gets extra damage on a perfect attack. Sounds like a good weapon to use for a while!





The quest item we need is here on the shelf.



And awful armor we'll never use is the only thing in the chest. The flames are turned off by the valve, naturally.



This tutorial message was supposed to pop up before this point.



Let's go visit the McCormicks.



: Oh hey, you're the new kid! My sister the Princess texted me about you. She thinks you're cute.
: My sister Kenny doesn't need protecting, but watch out for her anyway.

I'm still honestly unsure if Kenny is just roleplaying or actually has GID, but I'm gonna err on the side of caution here and just refer to Kenny as she until further notice. We're also Facebook friends with Karen now.



Speaking of Kenny, this is her room.



Butters doesn't have anything to say about Mysterion's costume hanging in Kenny's closet.



Over in the kitchen we can talk to Mrs. McCormick.

: Sorry to hear about the renters. Usually they're real fun and energetic.
: If you see Kenny tell him to pick up some dinner on his way home. Not them fancy Toaster Strudels though, just regular Pop Tarts.

She also adds us on Facebook. Anyway, that's enough of that. Let's head back into town.

But first...



Beating elves up never gets old.



Anyway, I can never remember where the last kindergartner is hiding.



As a result, I never think to look in the bank because there is so little do to in here.



: No way! How did you find me?



That makes 6, so let's go get our quest reward.



: You found all of us! You win!

All six of the kids we found add us on Facebook as a reward!

: I'll hide better next time.
: Hiding is fun!
: You won't find me next time.
: I'm not hiding at the pond again.
: We can play again later right?
: Next time YOU can hide.





Looking back, I'm surprised it took me this long to get this perk. Fire damage is gonna be our best damage type for most of the game.

Anyway, that's almost all of the side business we can accomplish now, so let's go finish Tweek's delivery and get on with the plot.





: You did it! You got the pickup! Oh thanks, man! DAD!! I finished my work can I go play?
: Where's today's delivery?
: Right here!



: Hmm, yup, that's good shit. Alright, Tweek, you can play for a little bit. But be home before dark or you'll be grounded. Grounded -- like the fresh grinds of our all-organic Tweek blend, made with ingredients from local tweakers.
: Thanks kid. I gotta go get changed then I'll meet you at the kingdom!



We're 1/3 of the way to the level cap and we haven't really even started the story yet. Don't worry too much, though. The game may be incredibly easy, but everything levels up with you.



Dragon's Breath is now incredibly badass, and will only become more valuable as the game wears on. I don't want to give too much away, but encounters get decidedly less friendly later on. Heavily armored enemies might have 20 armor right now, but by the end of the game, we'll be dealing with foes that have quite a lot more.



THIS is what I've been waiting on!



Let's set up our broken patches...



and marvel at the innate regeneration on the armor. Yes, the regeneration replenishes our stock of PP with that patch.



Now look at the gloves. That tiny regen of 5 per turn is suddenly restoring 40 per turn. Our hat also has the "gain 10 HP when you deal damage" armor patch. So every time we use Dragon's Breath, our PP bar is fully replenished and each tick of damage restores 35 health.

The game's difficulty? It is officially snapped in half.



Naturally we need to rep the Row while we run around in South Park.



But first, I promised plot.

Video:

: All soldiers reporting for duty, Grand Wizard!



: Nice work, Douchebag. Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the - wait a minute, where is Feldspar? Where's my level twelve thief?
: Hey yeah, where's Craig?
: He's in detention.
: What?!
: He flipped off the principal, so he's in detention again.



: Oh my God... If they've locked away our thief in detention we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth. We have to break him out!
: Agh! No way, man, last time we broke Craig out of detention we ALL got in trouble!
: Getting into trouble is a risk that Douchebag is willing to take! You have to break out our thief, Douchebag. But don't worry, I will not let you go unprepared. I am going to teach you how to use magic. Meet me at the training barracks. It's time for you to learn 'Dragonshout.'

Before we go learn magic, there's more optional dialogue with everyone here.

: Can't talk! Need to practice! AAAGH!!

: At first I didn't want to join the KKK at all, but the Grand Wizard made some really good points.

: Welcome to our base. All are welcome here. Even those with chronic medical conditions.
: Just because someone has diabetes doesn't mean they can't be a productive member of society.
: Princess Kenny says she may be a beautiful seductress, but she can fight, too.
: My job is to clean up all the cat poop.



: You fight well, Douchebag, but to truly succeed in combat you must learn to harness the power... of your farts. Farting on an opponent at precisely the right time is key to battle. I shall show you how it's done, but FIRST, you must take the Gentlemen's Oath. You must promise to NEVER, EVER fart on anyone's balls. Okay? Farting on an opponent is necessary, but farting on someone's balls is NOT COOL. Do you understand? All right, then, let's begin your training.



: To conjure Dragonshout, you must first clear your mind and take in a deep breath... through your butthole. Like so. HRRNNGGHH!! Then... let it rumble inside you... and... DRAGONSHOUT!!



: I'll show you one more time. Suck it in...



: Let it rumble...



: DRAGONSHOUT!!



: Now you. Ready? Dragonshout!

One complaint you see a lot about this game is the tutorial for farting. It bears little resemblance to the actual controls for the farts later on. So for now you just need to follow the instructions explicitly. Don't do anything until the prompt tells you.



First you hold it in by holding down on the right thumbstick.



Next you let it rumble by using the left thumbstick to find the frequency where your controller vibrates. Hold it there until the next instruction appears.



Finally you press up the right thumbstick.



Cartman has a lot of failure dialogue, but it's a huge pain to get it. Every time you fail the inputs, you have to watch him do it again, complete with tutorial prompts.

: (if you fail) C'mon, you have to trap the air. It's like a fart, but in reverse. I'll show you one more time.
: (if you fail again) Don't be polite, dude. Just let it rip. I'll show you one more time.
: (if you fail again) Whoa, don't leave the air trapped inside! That shit's dangerous - people die like that. I'll show you one more time.
: (if you fail again) No, no. That was like a DragonPEEP. You gotta let it all out. It's a mighty roar! I'll show you one more time.

He also has encouraging words while you practice.

: (holding left thumbstick) Find the frequency!
: (at the frequency) Hold... hold!!

Moving on...



: My god that was... incredible. A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so... boisterous. Could it be that the prophecies are true? Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last in our hour of need? Now let us try your skill on a REAL opponent. Hey, hey, Princess Kenny, could you come here a sec? (giggling) Shhh, don't tell him. Okay. Just real quick, Princess Kenny. Sir Douchebag wants to show you something. All right, you two - SPAR! Sir Douchebag, show Princess Kenny the magical powers I have taught you.



: (if you fail) Douchebag, don't get all shy on me now. Show her the trick!



: HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!! THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS!! HA HA AHAHAHA! DUDE THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!! (wiping away tears) O-okay, good job, Sir Douchebag, that was sweet. Thanks, Princess Kenny. That's all for now.



: (muffled) Fuck you, asshole.



: Haahahaha! Okay, but dude, seriously remember, don't EVER do that on someone's balls. Okay, seriously. You have mastered Dragonshout. From now on it will be easier for you.

Dragonshout has two uses that aren't immediately apparent. Firstly, it clears swarms of rats away, so now there are very few barriers in our way. Secondly, it can be used to spread flame. You'll see I mean next time



: Kenny will assist you on your quest, Douchebag. Now go get Craig while I rest and relax upon my throne.
: (in the tent) I'm counting on you. Get Craig back here alive.

Kenny is now available to use as a combat buddy! She's an archer, and can debuff enemies as well.



I also take this opportunity to replace the gross element on our beatstick with fire.



I think we're ready to go rescue Craig.

Next time we go to the first dungeon of the game.