Part 9: NWS - It is Illegal for Australia and Europe to Read This

THIS UPDATE IS EXTREMELY NWS DO NOT READ THIS AT WORK YOU WILL GET FIRED


Video:

Of course it wasn't going to be as easy as just going to bed.





This is the town of South Park. Nothing is ever easy.









Are you guys ready for the real final dungeon of the first day?



It may seem like I'm jumping between shots too much. Between each shot, Douchebag blacks out and wakes up again.





Also I want to stop here and address you, the reader. Hello. Are you from Australia? If so it's illegal for you to read this next part. Instead I want you to click on the link I've buried in the next image and watch that video instead. Once this video is done, just do a Ctrl-F for "AUSTRALIA" and join the rest of the world on the other side.


























Are they gone? Good.





: Uhh I'm having the dream again... mkay... this is dreamy...

I should probably warn you guys this update is really NWS. There are a lot of shots of people being probed rectally. Violently so.





: What's... happening?





: Aaah... Oh Jesus... JESUS CHRIST! Oooho, could we try the big silver one again? Oooohhh!!







I briefly considered making a GIF of these next two scenes, but then I realized that was probably a really bad idea.



You can understand why, I hope.







That black dildo probe looks a lot bigger than the white one.



If that image doesn't make you involuntarily clench your butt cheeks, then you are made of stronger stuff than I am.





The explosion broke the probing device, and the probing table.



Uh... not gonna pull it out?





You know, that really has to hurt.

: Is this your first time getting probed?



: Yeah, it's a pain, but this is the kind of stuff you put up with living in a remote little mountain town. At least we don't have to deal with traffic.



: Hey, you broke free! Kid, you have an incredible control of your asshole. Get me loose too!



So the giant black dong stuck in Douchebag's ass lets us teleport. But first...



Much better. Now, look around. See that device on the wall? We've seen them all over South Park.



: Wow, look at that! You must have broke off part of the probe and now you can control it with your sphincter muscles. Pretty cool.







: I'm surrounded by some kind of force field. Go find a way to shut it off. When you break me free I can show you how to get off the ship!

There's a chest over next to Randy with some new equipment in it.





We look so ridiculous. It does add 10% to weapon damage, though. So it is really useful. Randy also has some dialogue if we speak to him.

: Man I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.









I guess he doesn't want us going over there. Okay, sure. Let's go investigate that other room instead.





Not very much in here. Except for that tape recorder in the background. It has an audio log for us to listen to.

: Uh, hello. Is this recording? If you are hearing this I've been taken hostage on some kind of alien ship. The aliens did - unspeakable things to my rectal cavity. But I've broken free. I'm so scared and alone. I must find a way off this ship. Oh god, they're coming! Why am I standing here making an audio log?? I don't have time for this!! Leave me alone!

I hope he got away. Anyway, let's go make some intergalactic friends.







That took care of one of the aliens. Also you can probably infer that we teleported with the probe. There'll be a lot of that from now on.



I meant to show off the aliens here, and what they can do.



It, uh, didn't pan out.





This weapon is not good at all. Almost no enemies on this alien ship stand in a row, so you don't get the penetration benefit.



: Oh hey, there you are. Oh, yeah. Yep. That's the lambda containment block. Take that elevator next to you. The probe in your asshole SHOULD interface with it.







The alien ship is a very short dungeon. There are seven rooms in total, and we've now been in nearly half of them.

: Great, you're in! You're looking for a security console. Should be one above you in Probe Maintenance and another below you in the Atmospheric Processor. Yeah, I know this stuff. Can't remember which one you want, though. Been a while since I did this.



The alien set is permanently missable. That includes the gun we found upstairs.



This central platform controls the platforms above and below us.





We also have several opportunities to take out enemies in here. Their loot also gets destroyed, but they're only carrying generic trash and health restoratives.



Another audio log is down here.

: Day 2... so hungry... I've searched for food but the only thing I've found are other people's annoying useless audio logs. Why did they bother when they clearly were in terrible danger? Each audio log I find is more irrelevant and boring than the last. I must keep looking for a way to survive.

There's no way this is not poking fun at Mothership Zeta.



We can drop an alien to its death with this blue switch.



And over to the left, we can trip a switch that...



Brutally kills another alien.



Moving on...

: Great, you're there. See if you can free me from that console. Probably not, though, it's incredibly advanced alien technology... no way some kid could work it.



First let's get this loot.



As the icon may suggest, this deals shock damage. Aliens are weak to shock damage!

: Score! Aliens HATE electricity!



To rescue Randy, we need to play Simon.



We need to play it twice. It starts off really easy.

: (when you make a right move) Keep going, I think you're on to something.
: (when you make another right move) I knew I could trust you. Keep it up!
: Uh, I'm still stuck. Better try the other console.

Of course, you can also fail this. If you do so, Randy gets violently probed.

: (if you mess up) There! I think that's -- ooOOH NO NO THAT DOH NO THAT KILLS! SWITCH IT BACK SWITCH IT BACK!
: (if you mess up again) NO MORE! NO MORE! PLEASE! You- you're gonna have to find another way.
: (if you mess up again) YAIEEEIII!! Oh god no, no! Shut it off!!
: (if you mess up again) AAAUUGHGH NO! Not that way!!

For his sake, try to not mess up.



: (if you go back to the console, he gets probed) AHGHGHGH! Why? WHY?!! NOOOO! Go find another way!
: (when you teleport back to the main platform) Okay, let's try the other console. God, I hope this works.

There's an audio log on the platform above the Simon game.

: Day 4... I've looked everywhere but can't find anything to eat... or a clue to get me off the ship. Just more audio logs. They're everywhere! For some reason, I listened to every minute of every one of them thinking there'd be some useful information, but it's like they're just FILLER! USELESS FILLER... THEY'RE FILLER THAT'S DRIVING ME TO MADNESS!



Up top we can smack the lone surviving alien in the room.



He doesn't live long enough to do anything.



Another audio log over to the right.

: Day 7... Okay, I DID find one audio log that was mildly amusing. A woman trapped on this ship left an audio log about some papers she had left in an alien cabinet and she told me the code was 776. That was kinda cool because I didn't know the code before that. Though when I opened the cabinet there was only some kind of power up I didn't really need.



: Oh god. Oh god I got an itch. Oh god that is the WORST! Agh. AGH!



Oh, shit. I forgot. Uh, time to talk to you guys directly again. Hello reader! Are you enjoying this? Um, if you're from anywhere in Europe please raise your hands.

Uh hi... yeah... listen, um, you reading this far? It's kinda also illegal. So you need to click on this next image and watch the accompanying video. When you're done just Ctrl-F for EUROPE. Yeah, in all caps just like that. We'll be waiting for you on the other side!


























Are they gone? Good. The rest of us in... I guess the Americas and Asia? We'll continue onward.

Video:

The first round of Simon is pretty easy.

: There! I think that - ARGH! You've gotta be close... Come on... Try again!

Regardless if we mess up or succeed, he gets violently probed.



See where it looks like a long press? That's the button flashing so many times in one second that it was impossible to capture how fast it flashed. There is no way we can hit all of those buttons. As such...



: AAAUUGH!! O-Okay... Next time's gotta be the charm... Give it all you've got!



I feel like this one should almost be doable. It just flashes by too fast to reliably input. Kind of like the last Blockhead in Okami.



: YEEAIIII!! You've got to keep trying! I believe in you!



I think we can handle that.



: Okay, that one doesn't work either. Head back towards the elevator.



: Okay, I didn't want you to have to do this but there's one more console you can try in that room across the bridge. The alien who works there is REALLY tough so be careful and remember to use electricity.



So there was a broken monitor in this room. In my flailings, I accidentally hit it. Twice. If you don't mess up like I did, you can take out two of these three aliens before the battle even begins. On the other hand, this lets me finally show off what these guys can do. You know, for the last group of them.



The naked aliens can, as a free action, apply a 3-strength shield to anyone.





Space Rage always catches me off guard. I try to block as he starts the attack instead of when the shield appears. As a result, I tend to take a lot of damage from it.



Naked aliens can also spend their turn healing their comrades. This "space medicine" is really powerful. It dispels all debuffs and heals the target for more nearly 100 damage.



They can also mind blast you three times. The miniboss's last action is to toss a grenade at us. So watch out for that.



The gloves are the last part of the alien set. Be sure to grab them!



: Hey, that did it! The force field's down. Come on back and we can get outta here.



: Smitten on a Saturday night, feeling alright, feeling okay, la-do ...

Hey, that pit wasn't open before. Let's go explore!



: Success! I found something that looks to be food! It's some sort of green, fluorescent goo... I'm- I'm gonna have to try and eat some... It's not so bad. It's tangy and nutty, would probably go well with a- l- w-hey, what's happening to me? What's it- (speaking German)

Oookay... Well, our audio log friend is hiding over here. Let's beat him up.





He's a regular hobo, like the kind we beat up earlier. Explaining exactly what else he is massive spoilers and as such I will not show off too much. Though you can look at him and see that he's obviously dead. Yeah, he's a zombie.





This tinfoil hat drops when we beat him. This is the only place you can get this item, so be sure to grab it.



: Great, you made it! Okay, use this panel here and we can all go home.

Back in the starting room we can release Randy. After one more (easy) game of Simon.


























AUSTRALIA & EUROPE rejoin us here.

: Ah! Oh! Oh you did it! Thanks, kid! I don't know who you are or if you're real, but consider me... your friend.



: Until we meet again!

With that, Randy adds us on Facebook!



We'll need this crystal in a minute, so grab it.



: Hey, there's an elevator in the hallway to the right of the room we were trapped in. You can get out that way, but I might have broken the elevator when I used it, so you'll have to fix it first. Sorry about that.



First, be sure to loot this chest. It's the only place to find this, also permanently missable, melee weapon.



It's okay. I prefer the raw damage that our sword can deal, though.



Put the crystal in the door and use the probe to activate it.



This is the last room of the ship. See that tiny item on top of the monitors that I'm targeting?



Yeah, kind of a dick move. Well then... time to move on to the real final boss of the first day.

Video:

The video link has the boss fight if you're into that sort of thing. It also has the cutscene after the boss.









We're not gonna get very far until we take out this shield generator.



These guys also hit really hard.



With the generator down, the bosses don't have an automatic defense buff.





That's not to say they aren't dangerous. This fight can be difficult.



They do eventually fall.











Ever get the feeling that you probably shouldn't have done something?







Yeah, same.







That can't be good.






The phone says "Confidential Not Available" on the display.





: Yes? ...At what location? How many people in the town? ...Get in there and cover it up. This could change everything. (he hangs up and talks to a GUARD behind him) Get everyone moving. We've got another UFO crash.

See you guys next time for the start of day 2.