Part 26: Nagasaki

Hello everyone. Today we're repeatedly crossing more than half the length of Canada.



We rejoin our heroes, for instance, just about to pass Winnipeg on their way to Banff.



See the thing in the middle of the road in front of us? No?



This is a snake. They're kind of dangerous enemies, as they're the only enemies in the game capable of inflicting a status effect that persists after battles.





If you mess up blocking their attacks, then you're going to get inflicted with something called "Dire AIDS." Our companions all have messages of condolences if we get infected.

: Dude, you got Dire AIDS! Weak!
: Oh, you got Dire AIDS. Weak.
: Dude, you got Dire AIDS.
: (Oh no, you have dire AIDS!)
: Aw man, you got Dire AIDS!
: I will hold my next comedy benefit to support your finding a cure for your Dire AIDS.

In terms of combat, Dire AIDS just means you're going to lose some HP every turn. Think of it like a poison condition that you can't cure on your own. At level 15 you lose something like 400 HP per turn, which isn't very much at all.



Of course you just avoid the infection altogether by blocking the attacks and then setting the snakes on fire for good measure.



Shall we visit Banff?



: Have you been to Newfoundland? You won't find better sodomy in all of Canada.
: Crabs are tough, sure -- but if you ask me the deadliest catch is man.
: A magic fish granted me a wish once.

The shop has some fairly nice items for sale.



The only weapon for sale is pretty strong and suits the berserker play style of the Jew class perfectly.







This was the last set of armor I needed the first time I played the game. 450 additional HP, automatic defense up, and automatic rebirth, on top of all healing effects healing you for an additional 200? It's beautiful.

Remember many many updates back when I showed off how to snap the game's difficulty in two, by using fire and healing effects? This is the ultimate expression of that, allowing you to win any future boss fights by just spamming the shit out of Dragon's Breath and Pyre Ball.

We will not be taking that road. I've committed to the battle mage play style, and a shitload of armor is going to serve us well in the future.





These patches even further help you survive.



: Banff Canadians are quite religious.

: Praise Christ. Praise God. Praise God and Christ.
: The Prince thinks Canada is a Monarchy! But there's other people with opinions, by God! Sorry, God.

: (if you fart) Ah! A Canadian Hail Mary.
: (if hit him/fart on him) WHAT'S THIS?! WHO THE FUCK HITS A BISHOP?!

Video:

: (starting fight) Assassin!
: (when hit) Love thy neighbor!
: (when hit) Remember the golden rule.
: (when hit) He knows not what he does.
: (when hit) I shall turn the other cheek.

The Bishop of Banff is little more than a speed bump at this point in the game. His attacks aren't particularly dangerous, for starters.





However, he can annoyingly drag the fight out.





It's not as bad as Butters' full heal ability, but regaining nearly 11,000 health and wiping away all debuffs is pretty mean for a boss fight.





Cleanse the Wicked is probably his most dangerous attack, because it hits Stan for nearly a third of his max HP despite blocking it. He eventually falls like everyone else, though.



: Okay okay WHOA WHOA WHOA! Please, you don't have to kill me! I'll go away, the Prince will never know I'm alive.



: Please. Take these dire pig testicles, and tell the Prince they're mine.



So what do you guys think? Let's hold a vote. Bold your responses and... you know what? Never mind.

: Bless you, my son! It'll be our secret. Wow, good thing I saved these.



There is never any good reason why you should kill him. In fact, doing means you will permanently miss him as a Facebook buddy.

: Wow, those ARE some dire balls. I'm gonna let you keep holding those.
: A noble decision, Commander. I knew I was right to trust you.
: (sniffles) Poor dire pig...
: Aw, come on dude! We should take his balls anyway, so we have extra.
: Mphphphppmpmphm!
: Maybe those aren't dire pig testicles at all. Maybe they're fakes the pig gave the bishop.

Of course, there is dialogue for killing the Bishop...

: AGH! (he blinks out of existence)

: Sick, dude! I hope that's the last time we have to cut off somebody's balls.
: Well, it's for the greater good that we cut off his balls... I guess.
: Maybe if we replace his balls with the pig balls he'll come back to life again.
: Awesome work with the balls! You think the Prince will let us keep them?
: (Oh my god!)
: Wow, you're a real ball buster, Commander Douchebag.

Again, there's never any reason to do this. So don't.



Over here under this pot you can see something. Break the pot and it releases a switch.



The switch, in turn, controls this locked door over on the right.





The ranger patch adds 100 damage to ranged attacks. The discus, on the other hand, has innate bleeding, and jumps to two targets.



The damage is also pretty nice.



Anyway, back to Ottawa.



Remember the Ottawa Clinic? It's the only place in the game you can cure Dire AIDS.

: I see you have Dire AIDS. I can heal it for 5 Canadian dollars.

(if you LEAVE)
: Well, it was nice knowing you anyway.

(if you GET HEALING)
: You are now cured of Dire AIDS. You still have AIDS, but it is no longer Dire. It's like Magic Johnson AIDS.

Don't fuck with snakes, y'all.

Video:



: Is he dead? Did you kill him?



: Yay! The Bishop's balls! Now religion won't interfere with government! How can we ever repay you?



: You said you would free the Minister of Montreal, my Lord.



: Sorry, no can do. With both the Bishop and the Minister taken care of, my throne is secure.
: But my liege, we made a promise.



: Shh. You. Shhh.

The Prince walks off.



: Quickly. You must speak with the Duke of Vancouver. He can help you get into the Catacombs of Quebec.



: Give the Duke this. Hurry now!



: The poor Bishop. I will mourn him for a long time to come. (queefs)

We're befriending Canadian Nobility left and right.



Anyway, now we're off to British Columbia.



: Many wonderful films are shot in Vancouver. All of them are about cabins terrorized by serial killers.

: Hockey is quickly becoming the world's eleventh most popular sport.
: I have a doctorate in hockey from McGill.
: Long ago, two ice dancers got in a fight and beat each other to death. Canadians loved it, and hockey was born!

: Welcome to Vancouver, the San Diego of Canada!
: People come from far and wide to buy our 2010 Winter Olympics merchandise.





The shop has a pretty nice wand. I still prefer to regain my PP through fire abilities, but you can't discount the raw damage.



I've never really seen the point to these stickers. So few enemies in the game even have shields, and I can't think of a single situation when it would be useful to remove 6 layers of them simultaneously. Hell, I can't think of a single enemy that even has 6 layers of shields.



Anyway, the Ducal palace is up in the northern end of town.

: They say that the Duke earned his title by winning a log roll with the last duke.

See that crack in the back wall? You can destroy it.





Another piece of the barbarian set, a lumberjack beard, and...



This axe.



Mr. Adler wouldn't like this axe one bit. However, I can't argue with those numbers and stats.

Video:

: Yes, yes I know. But Ottawa is clear on the other side of Canada! How are we supposed to get there?! Uh huh... Yes, I see. Oh wow. No I didn't know that. Yes, go on. Yeah, I hate that guy too. Uh huh. No I haven't seen that show. Is it good?

The Duke is in the middle of a fairly important phone call.

: The Duke of Vancouver is a very busy man.
: Someday maybe I'll be the Duke of Vancouver.





: A letter from the Princess?



: What the - why according to this, the Prince had something to do with the Bishop's murder and has imprisoned the Minister unjustly!



: Young man, if you wish to brave the Catacombs of Quebec, you would have to speak with the monks who live to the southeast of town. Only they could train you in such sorcery.



: Didn't you hear what I said? The monks to the southeast of town can teach you in such sorcery.

To the southeast of town? Well if I remember right, there was a dock south of where we entered...



Yeah, that dock.



I hope these monks can teach us how to free the minister of Montreal.



Raise your hands if you didn't see this coming. The first time I played, the entire time I was doing this section I had this huge dumb grin on my face. It's a really cool setpiece, because of course it makes sense that your dude would meet and befriend Terrance and Phillip at their home in Vancouver.

: Who are you?
: Perhaps he is the American everyone is talking aboot, Terrance.
: Nah can't be. He can't be a master of spellcraft, he doesn't even know magic.
: He probably doesn't even know how to fart.

: Who are you?
: What is the sound of one anus farting? (farts) Ha ha now you know!

So they wanna see some magic, eh? Well how about Dragonshout?



: Ho! He knows Dragonshout!
: Any magician's apprentice can Dragonshout. It's not like he farted into his hand and hit you in the face with it, Phillip.

Hey, we can Cup-a-Spell!



: My god! He can cup a spell!
: If he's really good, how come he can't sneak a fart behind your face?

Oh, you wanna see the Sneaky Squeaker? Well get a load of this!





: The Sneaky Squeaker! Very impressive. He is worthy of our training after all.
: Yes. Prepare thyself, child. It is time for you to learn some TRUE magic.











: Your magic is impressive, young American. Not since Eric Von Thunderpants of Nova Scotia have we seen such prowess.





: But now you must learn to control your anus muscles in just the right way to change a spell's FREQUENCY.



: Some objects seem too large to be damaged by magic. But now, I will break through it with... NAGASAKI!



: Here, watch again.



The Nagasaki tutorial is the same as all the previous ones.





: Now you try. Believe in yourself!

Naturally there is failure dialogue.

: No no no! You call that a fart?
: You must focus harder! And push harder too.
: Think of your anus muscles as a puckering kiss. Pucker! Pucker! Here, watch again. (he farts)
: Now you try. Believe in yourself!









: That's it! Now let us see how Nagasaki works in battle!



: These three pedophiles from Alberta will have their way with you unless you damage them all with one move.
: Nagasaki!

More failure dialogue...

: Come on, kid! Nagasaki! Or they're gonna get you!









& : (laugh)
: That's it! You have the power!



: You did it! Now go out and use your anus for the good of mankind.
: And don't ever, ever fart on a man's balls.

: You're supposed to go to the Catacombs of Quebec now.
: Go free the Minister of Montreal.

: You must never use this fart for evil. Or on balls.







Guess what I forgot to take. Yep, I forgot to take the perk again. I'm sure I'll eventually remember.



However, that will be for later. Next time? We go to the one place in Canada we haven't been yet - the Catacombs of Quebec.