Part 28: 28 - Turtle Rock Was Less Retarded

28 - Turtle Rock Was Less Retarded



I think I've huffed a bit too much degreaser. It looks like I'm about to land in Mordor.

Sure, whatever, just keep the homo-eroticism to yourself.

[Dragon Rock Flight: Viddler]

[This is the final flight level, and we need 10 rings to land. It's not really that hard since none of the rings are really missable, and only one of them moves at all, and even then, not very much. I did set a new record, though!]



[This is Dragon Rock, a massive, spiky basin filled with those incredibly slow, armored turtles from Moon Mountain Pass.]

So, it's not Mordor, it's Tatooine?

I think it's Blade's Edge Mountains...

Nerd-trap sprung!

Crap.



[More importantly, there are several of these robots floating around. They lead you pretty well, and their shots have splash damage, but more importantly, they're completely invulnerable.]



[You can also find several of these green electrical panels around the area. Not even Super Quake does anything. Powerful enough to knock over a t-rex, but useless against simple electronics.]



[There are also some of these creepy meat-flowers near the central tower.]



[You can just freeze them (oh boy!), but if you really want, you can allow them to crack open and they'll spit out exploding seed pods or something after you.]



[Our first objective is the structure with the fire jets all over it.]



Those jawas are always cutting corners.



Not where it counts!

Joy.



[Around the corner we find a bomb behind yet more flame jets.]



[The next part is a little bit more annoying. You drop the bomb and toggle the bomb bot to come get it. As you saw before, there are some red switches. When you stand on them the flames subside, so you have to move along with the bot to prevent the bomb from exploding.]



[More fire and a switch, woo.]



[This guy, on the other side of the basin, is our reward.]



Yeah, I know, the guy in ThornTail Hollow mentioned a bunch of you were-

That little fink is still alive?! He abandoned us here and sealed the portal!

Welp.



I'm crying a river here.

Together, we can free him.



Besides, he'll just get gunned down by all the sentry robots.

Each one has a shield generator hidden somewhere nearby.



Hell no.



This.

Yeah, that works. _{Note to self: get some steroids for Tricky.}

Now get on my back. Let's do some damage!

Ok, Rambo, you just ruined it.



[This section isn't too bad. He can't really turn on a dime, but he is actually pretty damned fast.]



[He also obliterates the wall panels. That's really all he can do, though, he can't even kill the dragon turtles, nor can he hit the robots.]



[Fox's dismounting skills leave much to be desired.]



[Ironically, we do have to rely on the staff to actually kill the robots.]



[Defeating them all drops a grate that leads deeper into the building with the the flame jets all over it.]



[Inside we find the HighTop stomping about like an idiot while leashed to the wall. There is a Boost Pad that lets you circle around up above, but it's more amusing this way. The ropes will reattach after a little while, so you have to shoot them quickly, which isn't that easy because I absolutely fucking loathe controls that are calibrated to slide back to zero.]



[Anyways, he gets free and wraps himself around a nearby pillar to break his bonds. I don't think a brachiosaurus' neck can flex quite that much, but whatever.]



[So, yeah, even if you didn't go up, you get put up here anyway.]

Go where?

The other side of the basin.

I needed you for that?

Oh, and you have to protect me.

From what? We killed the robots.



No, seriously, from what?



Kamikaze, farting spaceships? Christ.

[Here we get to enjoy the first on-rail shooter segment of Dragon Rock. This fat bastard plods the long way around the central tower as these little fart-propelled ships suicidally dive at you. It starts out slow, one or two coming at a time, but they grow in quantity as you get farther along. You have infinite ammo, but it's actually rather tedious because you have to spam the crap out of the A button which can get pretty tiring after a while.]



[It's pretty easy to nail all of them, until this, the final wave. The whole process takes about three minutes, so it's pretty dull to watch, lots of swoosh sounds from the Blaster and not much else.]



Of all the...We just needed to push this huge switch? The Arwing is capable of VTOL. So, what do we do now?



Wow, that's classy.



[This new sector is pretty small. It has three dragon turtles crawling around (even though the Life Force Door only requires two kills), and a god damned CloudRunner is squawking to be helped.]



[First we kill the three turtles to open the Life Force Door, the last turtle being in some kind of enclosed area that has an oven for Tricky and also has the CloudRunner in a cage hanging from the ceiling.]



[Back outside there's another of those red switches that has to be held down.]



[The switch causes the bomb bot to head in our direction.]



[We plant Tricky on the red switch and move further out so we can get a clear shot at all three of the flame jets. As the bomb bot brings the bomb towards where the Life Force Door was, you have to hit each switch to shut off the flames.]



[After getting the bomb there, we have to toss it through these whirlwinds timing it so the flame jets aren't active.]



[Sometimes this game really confuses the hell out of me. We went through all that work to get the bomb up here to blow up some planks. Other times the game just tosses some fire in the way as though they honestly think it would be a deterrent.. Couldn't they have come up with something other than planks, at least? This place seriously looks like it was made out of a Sand Crawler, so they could have made some kind of circuitboard that you could blow up to open a grate or whatever.]



[Finally, we arrive at a switch that slides the CloudRunner's cage back and forth.]



[Below the cage is an oven that Tricky can breathe fire into. Time it right and it drops the cage and dumps the CloudRunner unceremoniously on the floor.]



Wake up, birdo.



Who?

Isn't that...?

Shh.

[How is Fox supposed to recognize her name, and how the fuck did the CloudRunner recognize Fox if he had been locked up all along? Is he the only person to connect the fact that they're both anthropomorphic foxes? (And yes, that's the CloudRunner talking while pointedly not looking at Tricky and Fox.)]



So, when exactly did you lot try to defeat Scales?

Can I just quote the theory of general relativity?

You can fly at near light-speed?



[Time for more on-rail shooting!]



The get inside, you will have to destroy the four spires that protect it. I will fly you in close. But you will have to protect me from their fire.

Fox: Whose fire? Those fart-ships don't actually shoot! Are they supposed to be missiles?

Those things would put the Quake 2 sausage rockets to shame.



[This section is much harder. You still have infinite ammo, but that also means you're back to spamming the shit out A again. The problem is that now you're also zig-zagging back and forth as you gradually approach each of the four smaller towers. Now, the real kicker is that because the fucking fart-ships are still bumrushing you, you only get about 2-3 seconds to actually fire on the tower (and you have to hit a very small circle at the top).]



[If you're very lucky (and a good aim; again, I fucking hate the way the reticle always tries to revert to the centre of the screen) you can take it out in one pass. Odds are you won't and you'll have to take a few passes. This is made extra annoying because even once a tower has been 'destroyed' it still spawns enemies, so you never really get a break.]



I'm trying to think of when I didn't have to do everything by myself anyway.

The SpellStone is inside. But Scales has it guarded by a terrible creature. You must be careful, Fox!



Okay.

That's your interpretation of 'be careful'?

It's about par for the course.