Part 32: Get ready to kick some Armes keister!

Last time, Frey made some very questionable decisions.

My, my! Why so combative, Your Royal Highness?

This time, we're rewinding time to give him a second chance I'm not entirely certain he deserves.

Our opportunity is nigh, Your Highness! We need not fear the Sun Rune! Thus, we need not fear Godwin, yes?
...And there's more. It just so happens that I've got a few... connections among the Armes aristocracy, Your Highness!
With Armes at our side, Your Highness, we could march to victory with the greatest of ease! Peace would be restored with great haste, and your grand coronation would commence! Sounds marvelous, yes, yes?

Most of this is the same as what we saw last time.



However, Frey objects a little more strongly this time.

Oh, come now, Your Highness! I'm talking about an opportunity here! For your benefit, not mine!

It is rather impressive how he manages to say it with a straight face.

Think about it! You may well succeed in driving the Godwins out and returning to the Sun Palace...
...But in the Sun palace, you'll never become King. After saving the country, that would be ever so unfair, yes?

It's called a queendom for a reason, you know.



(It's to keep dicks off the throne.)

*sigh* My, my! So stubborn! So naïve! I suppose I can't make you understand, can I, Your Highness...?

I like this bit a lot, actually. Many games would just not bother to give you the option to agree with him - and I definitely remember a few that did allow you to pick it, but then sent you right back until you chose the "correct" one.

Remember this! I'm not doing this for me, no, no, no! I'm looking out for YOUR best interests, Your Highness!

But here? Not only can you go through with it, but you get a proper Bad End cutscene with voicing and everything! Though, as has been pointed out, it's a bit strange since it otherwise looks like Salum needs Frey. I suppose they wanted to make it really obvious that You Chose Poorly, You Fucking Moron.

I do urge you to think over this matter some more, Your Highness. I trust you'll come to your senses by tomorrow morning.

I think there's still time to slit your throat and make up some sob story about how you bravely protected me from Godwin assassins at the cost of your own miserable life.


If word got out, I'm afraid there would be certain... consequences. And we'd hate to see it come to that, wouldn't we?

It's looking more attractive by the second.

Well! If you'll excuse me, then. Good evening, Your Highness.

My evening was a lot gooder before you showed up, you slimy bastard.



The next morning, Frey is woken up by some music.

Um... I'm sorry, but... I heard you talking to Lord Barows last night. That was so creepy, Prince!

I agree. We'll have to do something about him before too long.

But I was so relieved when you refused!

Come on, you really expected anything else from me? That hurts, you know.

Everyone's getting ready to take on General Dilber Novum's force! Let's get going, Prince!

I have some aggression to work off. Let's get to it!



I'm ready!

Good SHOW, Your Highness! You DROWNED those GODWIN DEVILS just like FILTHY RATS! A FITTING end for their like, I SAY! Now let's GET the REST OF THEM! DROWN THEM ALL! REVENGE UPON THOSE FILTHY GODWIN DEVILS!

Indeed, but I'm afraid you'll be sitting this battle out. Don't look at me like that; you'll have your chance.

Maybe. But you kinda suck, so don't expect too much.


We're kinda rivals, you know. "Dilber of the West" and "Boz of the East"! That's what folks call us! Meetin' him on the battlefield... Toe-to-toe, eye-to-eye, axe-to-sword... It feels like my birthday! Ga ha ha!

Unfortunately you won't be getting much work either.

Father is up to something again. Please be careful.

What? It's not like he'd dispose of me the moment I'm no longer useful to his plans or anything!

He... spoke to you last night, didn't he?

We can't get into details here. But I can imagine what was said, Your Highness.

If he's starting to make his move, I suppose it's time for me to get serious...

Get to work, damn it!

The fighting ahead will be on land, so there's not much we can do. Still, we'll be happy to transport weapons and provisions.

That's "not much" to you?

Ah, Prince! Luserina's a fine specimen, but did you check out Lelei?! Hot! Now, if I could only get her away from Lucretia...

Please do your best. It'll be fun watching you fail.

Ugh... Good morning... Not that there's ever anything good about mornings. And that old coot just makes it worse! Have you seen him this morning?

You'd think he'd just discovered that the cellar was full of gold! What's he so damn happy about, anyway?

I don't want to know, but I have a feeling we're going to find out.

General Dilber Novum's army outnumbers ours by half. We might be able to lessen the gap with volunteer soldiers and mercenaries, but it still won't be an easy battle. I can't figure out why Lord Barows is so confident in our victory...

It's not the size of your army that counts, it's what you do with it.

I know fellow Falenans have got no business wantin' to bash each others' brains out...

But, a general just can't help wantin' to fight a worthy opponent! It's in the blood!

I'll even take an unworthy opponent.

Lucretia asked me to look into a certain matter as well. I'll let you know the instant I discover something, Your Highness.

could you maybe elaborate

just a little

no?

well fuck you then

We'll make a move, too. Perhaps as soon as tonight.
When you're done with whatever you have to do, please wait in your room, Your Highness.

If you don't tell me what you're up to, I'm going to order Kyle to hit on you every waking moment.

Doesn't look like it'll be easy to put the moves on Lucretia or Kisara. Now THIS is a challenge for a master! Who to begin with, who to begin with...?

I have a suggestion.

Well, even if I didn't, I'd feel compelled to tell you that either way you're going to make enemies and should probably avoid the guy who fights by swinging an anchor around.

Don't tell me that old bastard tried to boss you around again...

Of course he did! Does he ever do anything else? And speaking of which...


Now! As I informed Your Highness last evening, General Dilber Novum's force is approaching with great haste! But! Our forces have been rigorously trained and stand bravely at the ready, Your Highness! We fear none of Godwin's traitorous dogs! Not even great generals such as one Dilber Novum! I, Salum Barows, have witnessed our dauntless forces with my own eyes! I guarantee our triumph, Your Highness!

I can see you're all up in Armes about it.

Oh-ho! You need not fret, Your Highness! Leave the logistics of the battle to us, your loyal and humble servants!
...And more importantly, Your Highness, have you had a chance to... ruminate on the matter we discussed last night?

I masticated, but it was a bit hard to swallow.

And we're done.

Lucretia's got it all under control. I think it'd be okay to leave things in her hands and get some rest.

Pretty weird pacing, here; I just woke up. But anyway...



...we'll return to my room. (No music.)

Hey! Been awhile, hasn't it?

Too long. Where the hell were you?

???: Ah, I thought you might grace us with your presence about now.

Of course you did.



Get to it, for fuck's sake!



That's what I've been asking this whole time! (music)

I'll get things started.

Lucretia, your intuition was right. I found troops hiding in the Southern Forest.

They weren't wearing anything that might give away their identity. But I'm positive they were from Armes.

What?! Armes?!

But that's not all. I saw a certain someone we're all very... familiar with. I didn't want to get too close, but it didn't matter -- I could spot that ridiculous getup from a mile away.

Yes? Yes?!

...It was our old friend Euram Barows.

Son of a bitch!

Euram?!

Now that I think about it, I haven't seen him around here lately. Why was he there, though?

Because... my father is joining forces with Armes.

Last night he tried to get me to jump straight into their Armes as well.


...And the letters say he's "borrowing" soldiers from the Armes Southern Mountain Corps.

Do they know he's planning to place them in Armes' way?

"Borrowing" soldiers?

That's why Lord Barows approached the Prince with talk of creating a new country.

That damn geezer! He's been using us the whole time!

I see... The Southern Forest troops will show up as the Prince's reinforcements during the battle against General Novum.

I don't think Novum is the kind of person who'd turn tail and run just because of a show of Armes, though.

It'll seem like the Prince himself has made a deal with Armes. And that will make it impossible to refuse Lord Barows when he insists on creating a new nation.
...A nation with a little string called "Armes" attached.

Well fuck. I don't even have a pun for thaNO WAIT

"we can't let him string us along like that"

Phew!

And if he gets you to marry Luserina after you become "King," Salum will be your father-in-law, Your Highness.

But I'm not ready to tie the kn... string.

Damn! He's using the Prince and Armes to create a new country! A country where HE would hold all the real power!

Naw, I think Armes is just stringing him along. Once they're secure in their power, they'll keep him at Armes' length.

Heh heh heh... Ah ha ha ha ha!

...I'm sorry, I shouldn't be making light of this.



It's only a coping mechanism.

Dammit... Dammit!
Our country isn't some plaything for damn nobles to fight over! If only my sister and Ferid were still here, they'd...

Lady Sialeeds...

Frey, I've had it! Let's get out of here! I can't take this anymore!

Just a moment.
IF we left now, Raftfleet would be our only ally.

My apologies to Kisara, but we'd never be able to stand up to the Godwins then.

Then what the hell are we supposed to do?!

...Let's let Lord Barows be the bad guy here.

..."Bad guy"?

If we do, though, it might mean the ruin of Lord Barows' reputation.

Prince, what would you like to do?

Well he's only tried to get me to betray my country and threatened to kill me if I told anyone but I don't want to seem ungratef-



DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT

HUMILIATE THE FUCKER

DRAG his GOOD NAME through the MUCK AND THE MUD and the FURBALL DROPPINGS

DESTROY that FILTHY BAROWS DEVIL

Fine, then.
Luserina, you're all right with this, correct?

We could actually pick up a Luserina point if we were to hesitate, but fuck that noise.

Yes. Don't worry about me. This is no one's fault but my father's own.

Also, she's totally okay with it.

Besides... It's better to stop him now before he gets any real power of his own.

It's settled, then.

Yessss...

I've got no problem going after that old geezer. But how exactly are we gonna go about it?

First of all, I need everyone to pretend we never had this discussion. Then, I want everyone to...

To? To?!



Oh, come the fuck on.



We already did that. Salt, remember?

Anyway, we're back in control...



...just long enough to run downstairs. Watch the video! (music)



Wow, that hair is... wow. That hair.



Also starring J. Longshanks Beanpole as Mueller.



Wow, rude! (music)



Oh, for the love of fuck, not you, too!



It's pretty obvious!



I fucking love the death glare she's giving him. And the fact that Mueller's head is still off camera.



If you didn't have like six times my body mass, I think I'd have to punch you or something!

What?

Lemme tell ya somethin'! I've fought all around the world...


Kinda makes ya "extra motivated," huh, Mueller?!



Ha ha ha ha! Look at you, married to your job!

I can't decide if I dislike Wilhelm for his attitude or if I love him because he's so over the top. And also that hair.

???: Your Royal Highness!



Way to clip your beard through your cravat, Salum. It does make you look younger, though. (music)

I think it might finally be time to give the order to go into battle, yes, yes? What say you, Your Highness?

I say I could probably get some more out of our party if I said no, but I've transcribed over a hundred dialogue boxes for this update already and I want to kill something!

Yes, let go into battle now!



That it does, my good man. That it does. (music)



Our forces are steadily growing! You'll notice the Lindwurm Cavalry in the top right corner; Wilhelm, for all his Kyle-istic behaviour (and pink hair) is the second of the four recruitable A-rank generals, but he won't join us just yet and we can't rearrange his unit.

Wilhelm by himself is just a cavalry unit, but adding Mueller to it changes the name. I have not been able to figure out if this does anything beyond the purely cosmetic. Mueller does however add +5 ATK and a use of Charge, so he's a worthy addition regardless. If you're running low on generals, he can also command a cavalry unit as a B-rank general.

Perhaps more interestingly right now, Lucretia has attached herself to Frey's unit and that of course turns him into a wrecking ball... except I don't use Frey for combat (it's game over if he dies, remember?) so I kinda hate this. Lucretia does more good in an A-rank unit that's going to run in and murder shit. Imagine her in the Lindwurm unit...



We now have quite a few characters to choose from. Egbert, notably, is a C-rank general and will not see much use, and no use at all in this battle because we need archers. All the archers!



Here's the first. Cyclone is always great, and our merchants come with the Extra skill, which adds one use to the unit's special abilities. Rage is a new skill which we'll see in use shortly; Josephine comes with two uses, making her a great character throughout the entire game.



I stupidly didn't put Kisara in the lead of this unit - she's a B-rank commander as opposed to Logg's C rank - but once again we get a name change for putting the entire family in the unit. Two uses each of Barrage and Recover makes even a C rank unit a threat.



I thought their forces were supposed to be bigger than ours? Oh well, not like it would matter. Here we go!



Bring it!


Just don't fight General Novum's forces head-on. That'll only play into Lord Barows' trap.

We can in fact fight General Novum's forces head-on, it's just that his unit is fucking invincible. I sent the Lindwurm brigade (Dilber is a spear - infantry - unit, which is weak against cavalry) to see what happens, and they took damage and ran away. Then I tried to use Charge, and they still ran away, despite taking no damage. Dilber's HP remained fixed.

So yeah, despite the bad ending scene we got last time, they didn't care enough to put one in for just fucking up the plan. Weird.



This is our goal. You can check it at any time from the menu. You can also view the map from there, which lets you move about without time passing on the battlefield. Very handy in the larger battles.



Anyway.



This strikes me as an odd tactic...

Hey, come on, now! We came here to kick some ass!

Out generals will voice some concerns when we put the plan into motion...



...and Dilber is unimpressed.

The Prince is little more than a coward! I'll put him out of his misery before he shames our nation any further! After them, men! Hunt them down like the dogs they are!

He's also kind of an idiot.



Any time now.



Fuck! Apparently that wasn't "southern forest" enough.



One reset later...



...things happen the way they're supposed to, and a bunch of cavalry appear in the forest.

Oh, and Euram too, I suppose.

Understood!

Wow. What a face. I like his hat, though.

After crushing the Godwin soldiers, we simply declare we're the Armes Southern Mountain Corps, right?

That's right. If you do that, Dad's plan will come to fruition!

Hmph! Don't forget who made that plan possible.

Oh, we won't. You can trust the Barows family.

Ahaha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahaha*cough*hahaha*wheeze*hahahacan't breathehahahaha.

Armes Soldier: General Guisu!

What is it now?! And remember to keep it down! We can't betray our presence!

Armes Soldier: Sir! Both the Falenan Prince's army and the Godwin Army are heading this way at full speed!

You know...

What?!

I do give Lucretia a lot of shit for being a Fuck You I Win button on legs, but this?



This, I like a lot.

En envoy?! Don't tell me that coward's had enough already!

Godwin Soldier: Not exactly, sir. Here's what they say: "We've discovered the Armes Army hiding in the Southern Forest.
"We'd like to call a temporary cease-fire. We must both work together to help drive them off!"

What?! Armes?!

Not only does it solve the problem with the Godwin soldiers...



...but we get to shit all over Salum's carefully constructed plot at the same time! If everything Lucretia did were this funny, she'd be my favourite strategist in the series by far.

N-no, no, no, no, no, no! I-I don't know what's going on! This wasn't in Dad's plan!
...I-I know, I know! I'll go ask Dad, okay? Wait one second! I'll be back before you know it!

Wait, you! Running away, eh?!

Put an arrow in him! You know you wanna! Don't have to kill him or anything, just the image of him riding towards Rainwall at full speed with a bunch of feathers sticking out of his butt is hilarious.

Armes Soldier: General Guisu! The enemy is right in front of us!!!

Dammit! We don't have any room to maneuver here!
...But we've got no choice. All troops, ride forward! Prepare to charge!

Armes troops are really bad at charging.



And on the other side of the mountains...

Huh?! Where'd THEY come from?! All troops, get ready to kick some Armes keister! I dunno where they came from, but I know where they're goin'!

...our friends are about as excited about this as I am.

What the hell?! This isn't what we signed up for!

Wilhelm is not my friend.

Mueller! What do you wanna do?

This is a clear breach of contract. We have no obligation to continue fighting, sir.

You haven't even started! I don't count the bit where Dilber kicked your cavalry butts with his infantry unit because that didn't happen in this timeline.

Nope, guess not! Okay, men! Pull back! Let's just kick back and watch! I know I'll have MY eye on a certain bodyguard babe!

The Lindwurm Cavalry retreat. It's fine; we don't want cavalry units for this anyway.



Godwin Soldier: Yes, sir! We have confirmation!

Then we'll have to do something!
All right, men! Suspend the attack on the rebel army immediately! We'll crush the Armes dogs instead!


We'll make General Novum fight the Armes Army, saving our own manpower as much as possible.

God damn, you give terrible advice.



So here's the deal. We lost Wilhelm, but in his stead we gained Dilber's whole fucking army, which has to be a good trade. (Well, kind of not, because Wilhelm is awesome, but right now we don't care.)

Problem is, we're up against nothing but cavalry. Dilber has one archer unit, and it's a C-rank one with no skills. His forces would be massacred if we sent them in.



So we'll take care of it.



Pony pincushions!



Imagine the damage we could have done if I had used Kisara to lead instead.

At this point I realized that I forgot to turn off my infinite ammo cheat. No worries though, I made sure not to use more than two doses of Barrage and two Recovers, and the cheat is now gone.



That's one unit down after two barrages and a normal attack. The Armes soldiers will mostly sit around doing nothing until someone comes close, so it's quite easy to pick them off.



One more encounter and Logg uses one of his Recovers. This heals a unit for half their max HP, so 50 points in this case.



Two more fights, one more use of Recover, and it's time for Logg to pull back. Don't want him taking more damage he can't regenerate.



Sialeeds can take care of the next guy.



Burn, baby, burn!



Rage knocks off 40% of the enemy's health, but differs from the other skills we've seen so far in that it's based on the enemy's current HP rather than their maximum. In other words...



...our second shot is noticeably less effective.



But Sialeeds has two uses of Cyclone left, and that's more than enough to finish off this guy.

Beating up Jidan is quicker, of course - two Barrages could probably have done it - but each of his cronies will drop an item when they go down. It's nothing too great, but it's probably worth getting it, given the amount of effort we actually have to put into it.



That's it.

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! They've made me look like a damn fool!!! ...Euram! You'll pay for this!!!
We have no choice! Retreat! Retreat!!!

Thoroughly humiliated, Jidan runs away with his tail between his legs.


We'd better keep an eye on them and make sure they don't try anything funny in Sable. Please have Dinn follow them.

So they want us to follow them, do they? We'd like nothing better! Let's go, men! We won't let them lay a finger on our beloved hometown! Let's push them past Sable and back into Armes!



Godwin Soldier: General! What are your orders, sir? Shall we return to putting down the rebel army?

No, we must report to Lord Godwin about Armes' involvement. We'll get the job done some other day...

Godwin Soldier: Yes, sir!

Hmph! I don't know what the hell happened... I only know that was NOT the plan!
Boz! We'll settle this another time, believe me!

Dilber... you're not such a shithead after all. Lookin' forward to humiliating you in the future!



We're down twelve soldiers after putting down 600 Armes dogs. I call that a victory "plus"!



We'll be putting the rewards to use soon enough.



Maybe we can even apply those boots to a certain slimeball's backside!

Next time, we'll find out.