Part 25: Nightmare FuelPART 25 - Nightmare Fuel
Alright guys! Welcome back to This Fuckin Map, with your hosts, my dude and Eagle! Now then, what fuckery awaits us today, after a vaguely-successful beginning?
"Um, sorry, can I-"
The next part of this map is basically just a rush to the finish. We can take it slowly, though, so let's jus-
"Hey, um, I think you need to check this out..."
Oh my god. What is it now?
Ah. Helpfully, the Howard Heap have decided to start running low on fuel. I mean, let's do the calculations here. 32 divided by the 5 units of fuel that planes use each day gives us... 6 days to finish this map without losing Howard.
And since moving in Fog of War uses fuel, I effectively can't move him for the rest of the map.
This is going to be fun.
He said, sarcastically pretending to slit his wrists.
Eagle's turn. Please don't have anything else in the fog. I accounted for as much as I could...
Besides that one infantry that's somewhere here. He's harmless.
Right, my turn. There's still some enemy bro copters and a jet in the fog, so I'd better move safely. How to approach this...
Whilst I squeak everyone forward, let's take a look at some of Sami's perks. The first is this Capt * option, which...
Does this. Units at full HP can capture 15 points per turn. At first this doesn't sound like much of an improvement - "bluh bluh still takes two turns to fully capture" - but as we can see here, it allows units who are damaged to still capture things in two turns. I think that's use enough.
As you can see, my solution for enemy phases from now on is to park Tina in front of everything and have her followed by Cassandra. They should be able to murder anything that tries to fuck with them.
This nerd leaps out of hiding to complete his sole mission of capturing territory in a mission where territory is practically asymptotic to progress.
..."Egad"? What the hell, my dude? Get a grip...
Oh yeah Tina didn't die, I'm sure that was very unexpected and worth mentioning
It amuses me greatly that this bro copter went for Tina who is literally being flanked by the Carl Crew and the Cassandra Corps.
...Yeah. Not your wisest move, Eagle, old chum.
I'm between 60-70% sure that there's a tank somewhere in the immediate vicinity. If it's anything like the last one, it won't go for the Tina Team, but instead drive up to her and just offer itself on a platter to be murdered.
And the point that my cursor is on here is where the last bomber is. Tina is just out of range, which was blind luck more than anything. Luckily, we can avoid this entire section of the map, provided we keep the transport copters alive. And with Eagle's last fighter jet on the loose, that's a bigger ask than you think.
This happened. You know, I talk a lot of shit about the AI capturing buildings constantly, but I suppose I do the same thing. I don't prioritise it over life itself, but still...
Well, I may as well go ham now. Capture away!
Von Panzer moves in to bully this infantry.
Two turns have passed... four to go. This is going to end up being very, very close. I might just have to take the death on this one. I'm sorry, Howard.
Time for the segment of the map where most of the threats are dead and it's mostly Infantry Capturing Shit!
I'd forgotten that Tina was damaged; the tank can actually do damage to her in her weakened state.
But hey, I'll take that two damage over a bomber one-shot.
Ugh, I'm not progressing quickly enough. Where the hell is that enemy jet?
Alfonse moves up, ready to help me put into action Operation Cedric's Gonna Die And It's Sami's Fault.
"That's, uh... that's a joke name, right?" Cedric asks the group. A few people awkwardly cough.
"Nobody tell him." Tina says.
Tina shoots this tank. However, that's not part of Operation CGDAISF, so let's skip through it quick.
Cedric's the copter above Larry and Rose. Bernard is the copter below Larry and Rose.
That's very important to remember.
And with this last useless infantry capture... the operation begins.
THERE you are, you bastard!
"Guys, wait, no!" yells Cedric. "Oh, fuck!"
The helicopter explodes violently, with Cedric and his crewmates in it. Alas, Cedric, we hardly knew ye.
And it was all Sami's fault. Everyone remember that when high command asks why we sacrificed one of our own today.
Cassandra moves in to get rid of this irritating motherfucker who was responsible for 50% of my failures on this map
Excellent job, Cassandra Corps.
...Ah, right. Need to keep a better eye on this. But also, I gotta destroy that jet.
I load Alfonse into Bernard.
"Wh-what's happening?" Alfonse asks.
Bernard shrugs. "Looks like you're the lucky guy getting sent to enemy HQ. Capture it for us!"
"No!" Alfonse yelps nervously. "Shouldn't, uh, Dave or someone do it? Someone more equipped than me?"
Bernard doesn't reply, and drops the Alfonse Alliance near the HQ. I could only get him four spaces away, but I think I have enough turns to do that. I just need three...
And the Carl Crew finally finishes the last credible threat on this map.
I breathed a genuine sigh of relief as I deleted this idiot.
...Yup, it's full. Let's just hope he doesn't have anything in range to damage my units.
Nothing moved. And then this happened:
Which, uh, didn't change anything because none of the units had taken a turn. So that was dumb.
Let's just get on with the map.
...Oh, fuck. Two turns. Howard, god damn y-
But wait! I have a genius idea. Time for the clutch map finish where Howard doesn't die!
Sami's Double Time is pretty handy. Infantry get an additional space of movement and ignore terrain effects. DOUBLE TIME, ALFONSE, HOP TO IT!
Alfonse hops right the fuck to the enemy HQ. What a good lad.
And then absolutely decimates it. Come on, come on! ...Please don't be in range of the bomber.
Nope! Eagle didn't do anything for his turn. I think we've done it, folks! 2 fuel to spare... that was way too close.
"Alfonse did it! We're good!" yells Tina.
"Excellent!" Wilbert says. "We survived... minimal casualties, too."
"Eagle's second chance was a failure, just like the first." grins Mulligan, observing the fog. "Though we had to use some risky strategies to do so. We can't keep getting caught out like this, especially with it being Sami's first time working alongside my dude."
Dave, who has barely noticed that the map is over, is still grumbling about a "supposed secret" and Michael's "death".
You weren't even beaten by Andy the first time. It was all me, baby.
Exactly! I literally would not have beaten this map with just one casualty were it not for Sami's CO power.
Eagle briefly turns Canadian.
Honestly, being compared to Andy's talent is offensive. Nell and Eagle must live in a world separate from everyone else, a world where Andy is a competent and likeable CO.
Her name is Sami, and Cedric's death was entirely her fault. I swear.
I just said that.
And Cedric's death was entirely your fault. Don't forget to mention that.
Eagle stops being Canadian to turn sexist instead.
Also the ability to reset constantly until I win. That's not helping Eagle's case.
Oh, SNAP! BURN!
By which I mean, work on your fucking insults, Sami.
Oddly polite for Eagle.
You know, this back and forth makes the conversation realistic, but when I was hyped up from having beaten this map, the last thing I need is to have to press a button just to show me that Sami said "Yes?" instead of progressing the plot.
"Especially that bit with the bomber and jet at the start. That was a real dick move."
Don't forgive him! He's enemy number 3 on my list, and therefore deserves no mercy.
If you're wondering, enemy number 1 is Andy and number 2 is Grit. Grit, mostly because he is my romantic rival.
Andy should be self-explanatory.
And stay away this time. My god.
Sami might be the smartest of our three COs but even she has her moments.
Case in point.
Also, don't ask Eagle to come. That's just rude and crass.
My goodness! I wonder if he'll return for even more maps where he annoys me to death with Lightning Strike and Fog of War?
No mercy. I already told you.
Sami's pretty fun. I don't mind her at all. I've yet to decide whether she's better than Max but his CO power seems more generally useful. Sami's looks to be pretty niche.
Coins and ranks as usual.
And as Sami says, it's onto Feudal Jap- uh, Yellow Comet!
I love him already.
Oh my god.
We're only a plague because I'm fuckin' sick, yo
I've not seen a flimsy excuse for a battle like this since Eagle decided to randomly annoy us for absolutely no reason.
Kanbei, huh? Well, Kanbei, we'll be happy to meet you on the battlefield. How hard can it be?
That may as well be Andy's fucking tagline.
Neither had I. I wonder who's actually moving us around on the map, since none of the COs are too sure. High command, I guess?
I feel like he was waiting for an excuse to get his army out, honestly. He was very quick to go for us.
Alright, next time we move onto Kanbei and Yellow Comet! Not a clue what to expect, but vote for which CO I should play as! Does anyone want to see the return of Dipshit, another exciting One Punch Tina map or Definitely Murdered Cedric's second map?
The Barracks: Alfonse and Mulligan 2
Alfonse sees a familiar face in the barracks, walking over to his table.
Hey, Alfonse! I wanted to congratulate you. Mulligan says.
"Oh, I didnt- Alfonse stutters. Mulligan sits beside him.
Nonsense. You did excellently out there - you took that HQ in the nick of time to win us the battle. I told you youd find your own niches, didnt I?
I suppose. Alfonse replies, smiling. Thank you, Mulligan. You helped give me some confidence.
No worries. You remind me of me when I was a raw recruit bit nervous, always relying on others. I had lots of people to help me. Mulligan says, half-talking to Alfonse and half-reminiscing to himself.
What were you like as a recruit? Alfonse asks.
Mulligan eyes him carefully. Well, to tell you the truth, I didnt originate from Orange Star. I was actually a pilot for the CO we fought today, Eagle. A proud soldier of Green Earth.
Really?! exclaims Alfonse, then realises how loud he was as other people turn to the pair of them. Sorry, Ill whisper really?
Yep. Mulligan replies. I had a friend who joined a little earlier than me, and she would help me out. One time she got caught in enemy territory, and when I rescued her, she was furious that the fresh-faced newbie had to be the one to save her. I decided to give her a second chance, though, and we became fast friends.
What happened? asks Alfonse, interested in the tale and leaning closer to Mulligan.
Well, we went on a simple recon mission over Orange Star that girl, who I had come to view like a sister, failed us. She was supposed to have already spotted all enemy missile squads, but shed missed a few, and well, we were all shot down. I survived, and so did she. The rest of that team perished.
Im so sorry murmurs Alfonse. Its a terrible thing, to lose your allies. So, you got drafted into Orange Star after being captured?
Pretty much. She did, too. Mulligan replies, as if only just remembering that fact.
At least youre still together! Alfonse says, brightening up.
Mulligan shakes his head. No. Alfonse, let me give you an important piece of advice: give everyone you meet a second chance. Never give them a third.
Alfonse falls quiet. I see.
Mulligan stands up, his face serious and heavy. I ought to get some air. Well done again, though, Alfonse. I look forward to seeing how you perform in the future. Youre growin up, kid.
Thank you. Alfonse replies, as the long-faced Mulligan walks away.