Part 35: Thank You, Satan

PART 35 - Thank You, Satan

Alright, folks. Last time, Selena's death was practically an inevitability unless I pull something dumb off, and Sonja's units continue to be really fucking annoying. However, as I said, this time I intend to actually make progress. So, let's get to it...



Once Sonja's turn is done, anyway.



That's the rocket up north, right? At least it won't do too much damage.



Oh, no, that's a full HP artillery. Damn, that's irritating. Bill's gonna be struggling for the rest of the map now. Ah well, I'll get him to retrea



no

oh god no



"Ngh..." grunts Bill, falling back and hitting the floor of the tank. "...No, it can't be over..."

"Bill? Bill!" shouts Michael. "Bill, retreat!"

"Too late..." comes a croaking voice over the transceiver. "Looks like I'm gonna see you sooner than expected, Eric... sorry, guys. Sorry. Sorry..."

The voice goes faint, and Bill drops the transceiver, trying to stay conscious as his tank falls apart around him. He focusses his vision on a sparking wire, and his fingers run over a cut on his hand.

"Ingo... I'm sorry to you most of all." he mutters to himself. "Find new friends. Please don't... please don't follow us."

The dust clears, and in the wake of the tank attack, the wreckage of the Bill Battalion is clear to see.



A unit goes to capture this city, but nobody is paying attention to it.



There's a sound in the air. It's coming through everyone's transceivers.

Almost like... gnashing teeth?



Before I can issue any orders, a woman with dark hair covering her eyes and a downturned mouth drives straight for the tank. She stops at the mech in front, and readies her team's cannons.

"Tina-" Michael starts, but he isn't nearly quick enough to react.

"Those mother fuckers."

"Tina!" shouts Mulligan. "Don't do anything rash - we need to win this battle! If you act out of turn, you'll cause more casualti-"

"THOSE MOTHERFUCKING YELLOW COMET FUCKERS!" Tina yells. "Come on! If you want to take any more of us, you'll have to get through me!"

"Let's hope this doesn't cause issues." Larry mutters. "'Cause I, uh, don't think we're going to convince her, guys."

Tina opens fire, with absolutely no regard for anything around her - completely focussed on the enemy in front.



Safe to say she's a bit pissed off.



The Lloyd Lads continue to chip away at this rocket squad.



"Arr, she's out of the way." Lloyd says. "Aye, everyone, the way ahead is clear!"



I decide to finish off the mech unit with Alfonse. May as well give him something to do - and besides, this fits into my plan.



"You have a plan, my dude?" I hear you say.

I always have a plan. Why does nobody ever trust me? I've never even let anyone die.



So, with that mech out of the way, we use the last of Selena's fuel to get her down here...



And there's just enough room to sneak Michael through to refuel her.

God bless Michael.



Meanwhile, I shift the Eddie Ensemble to find the tank. This thing needs to go.



And what better to start with than a nice rocketey opening? Fire, Fred!

_{Rockety? Rocketey? I don't know which works best.}



Yeah. Fuck you.



The Larry Lot can finish things off here.



And now that's sorted, what I really need to find is the god damn artillery that's hiding somewhere.



After shuffling some dudes around, I eventually find it.



But I end my turn. I don't have any firepower left to deal with it, but I'm not worried - Michael's in range, so yeah. We're good.



Oh noooo now you're gonna go for

still Michael

What a threatening use of your power.



Ah, I love it when I predict stuff. Makes me feel like a good tactician.



Here it is, folks, the most pointless damage you will ever see in this Let's Play.



Right, let's just ruin this thing's day.



The Tina Team continue their quest for vengeance.



Vengeance: 70% complete. Buy the new Served Cold DLC to fully complete your vengeance!



Or use your stronk battleship that we all have. Everyone's got their casual battleship, right?

Maybe that was just my household.



Boom, direct hit.



And then it's just a case of slowly dragging everyone through this godforsaken bit of foresty mountainy bullshit.



See, progress is slow, but now it's the game's fault, not mine.



Nothing happened. Right, let's get everyone out already!



Gareth decides it's been far too long since he was inside Bernard and hops right on in. No, I'm not going to reword that.



And our friend Larry also heads up. Might be some tanks hanging around, so I may as well keep them at bay with bro copters.



Here we go. What horrible surprises does Sonja have for us now? Two tanks? A medium tank?



OH FUCK YOU



FUCK FUCKING YOU, SONJA

SATAN, WHY

WHY ALWAYS WITH THE FOG AND THE WAR AND THE FIGHTER JETS



"Going down!" shouts Larry. "God, all the cheesy toast I never got to eat... I'm gonna miss your cooking, Ma. And I'm gonna miss you, Lina. Be a good daughter to Ma, and I'm sorry... looks like your bro isn't coming home this time."

The copter explodes violently as it hits the ground. Even Tina can't work up the energy to be angry, and the army sits, staring blankly at the destruction around them, wondering privately why they signed up, and why it always, always ends like this.

"Let's keep going." Michael says. "We're almost there."



SO YEAH IF I HAVEN'T SAID IT ENOUGH TIMES ALREADY

FUCK FOG OF WAR AND FIGHTER JETS AND ESPECIALLY THE COMBINATION OF THE TWO



The Cassandra Corps will show you just how much I dislike these flying omens of death.



Unfortunately, I don't have anything else that can fire on jets. So we're gonna have to do the old Fire Emblem archer trick.



Tina and Gareth help set it up. This guy isn't going anywhere.



I move the Lloyd Lads up, too. Might be good to have additional firepower in case Sonja has two, three, four or a million more 'fuck you's in the fog ahead.



Oh god please be a nice turn



Of all the things that COs can do in Advance Wars, my absolute favourite has to be 'bugger-all'.



First, let's delete this little problem.



Thank god that I decided to bring Cassandra with me. This could've gone badly.

Let's, uh, chalk that up to my expertise. Definitely not blind luck.



I shift everyone north. This map is a lot of wandering around, now all the main threats are dust under my treads.



Selena heads up too. Might need her for, I don't know, moral support?



Did somebody rob a clock shop? Because this is sure taking a lot of time.



And it's not even exciting. It's just Sonja flailing around in the fog not actually achieving anything.



I drop Gareth off on the HQ. Let's get this done.



Sonja flails a bit more.



oh shit never mind

she had Actual Threats



Not too much damage, and with Tina around, it's hardly a threat. But with Gareth injured, he'll take four fucking turns to capture HQ. Can't have that.



Luckily, this is why I brought a second mech.



And fuck it, I have the power, may as well get it off.



Dipshit does something useful! It wasn't necessary, but hey, he needs to feel like he contributed.



No longer required to stand on the enemy HQ and capture it, the Gareth Group go to gun the guerrilla gits.



Great gunshots, guys. Good god, I'm getting 'g's everywhere...



Tina finishes it off, working out all that latent rage from the deaths she's experienced today.



Good, Tina. Let the hate flow through you.



"Ve vill help! Vatch us go!" says Vladimir, heading up to the enemy headquarters.



Sonja has nothing left for us. Looks like she's all out of tricks.

And I think I speak for everyone when I say FUCKING FINALLY.



We're done here.



Vladimir finishes the capture, and I breathe a sigh of relief, and pray that there isn't any Fog of War for the next, like, seven maps.



Don't we all on this path through life, Sami?



Because that's how everyone in this fucking world greets each other, apparently. Need I remind you that we declared war on an entire country just to find Olaf, and didn't even find him in the end?



Oh, here we go. Let's evaluate Dipshit's abilities.



And even when it's him being focussed on, he's barely listening. God dammit.



- Irritating
- Irrational
- Childish
- Dense

That's just a shortlist; there's plenty more, Sonja.



- Up His Own Ass

Let's add that to the list.



I dunno, it takes an immense amount of strength to not know what the fuck an airport is.



"Bwuh?"



Sonja is amused by my impression of Dipshit, evidently.



please stop complimenting him

I'm pretty sure being nice to Dipshit goes against one of the fundamental laws of the universe



I audibly laughed whilst I was playing this. I just couldn't.

Easy to

Heheh. Easy to work with.

Heheheheheh... hahahahahah
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HE'S AS EASY TO WORK WITH AS AN EXCITABLE DOG
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OH GOD SONJA STOP YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE



Sonja, I play as Max or Sami at literally any available opportunity.

Actually, that's a lie, my readers vote on who I play. But usually they are merciful, and stop me from using Dipshit unless he says something funny.



See above comment about my readers. My dude, I'm afraid, does not get to choose who we work with for each map.



"Besides Eagle in Fog of War. I hear that shit sucks."



Sami continues to definitely not be into Sonja.





The tension is palpable.



"Yes, that's right, it's Olaf again"



Excuse me! If anyone's taking care of anyone, I am taking care of everyone in this godforsaken army, and Nell is taking care of me. When she gets back.

_{I miss Nell...}



Don't ask questions, Sami. Let's just leave Yellow Comet. This place sucked.



Ugh. Give us at least a vague idea of what this game's actual plot is.



"9PM, my place?"



Sonja's its will not be held. Also she's already fucked off, because she's an Advance Wars CO and Orange Star are incapable of actually capturing enemy COs before they just wander away. Didn't this exact thing happen with Eagle and Sami?



I've stopped caring, Sami. Let's go adventure somewhere else and see where the actual plot might be hiding.



Why are the writers drawing attention to the fact that they're deliberately withholding any sense of narrative progression from the player? What the hell?



Dipshit seems tired out. Can't blame him. That was a rough map.



But hey, we ranked up. Opal Hen. Still no idea what that means.



I have too many things to say here

what is his face

why is he like this

why does he look like that?!



Did one of the spriters bring their daughter into work and accidentally included the-man-I'm-assuming-is-Drake in the finished product?



Also, look, it's Eagle. Hurray. Can't wait to fight him a-fucking-gain.



Apparently something's going down in Green Earth.



Drake, wearing his new skin-suit, gives absolutely no fucks, however.



Mixed feelings. Sprite terrifies me, dialogue amuses me.

I guess we found the Grit to Eagle's Olaf, anyway. Every CO has a straight man and a funny man, it seems... it's kinda silly.



I love Eagle, though. He takes everything so seriously, bless him.



Ooooooh. The thing that's going down is us. Bearing down onto Green Earth.

Quick question to my superiors - why the fuck are we invading Green Earth? What have they done? Are we even trying to find Olaf anymore or did we just give up on that?



Getting Gluttony-from-Fullmetal-Alchemist vibes from Drake, thinking about it.



Eagle continues to get his nark on.



But it seems Drake is chill, and uniquely, also competent. Judging by his hat, I can only assume this joker is the naval commander, matching Eagle's air superiority.



"Battleships. Battleships everywhere."



I know Grit and Sonja were chill to an extent, but wow, Drake sounds like he's high. Who put this guy in charge of Green Earth's first line of defence?



That face does not get any nicer to look at.

Yeesh.





This is verifiable proof that Eagle identifies as a bird.



Who the hell are you talking to, Eagle?



"Peerless", huh? This could be trouble.







Alright, folks! It's been a long while since we got the freedom of Choosing Our Fighter, but we're here again! Get your votes in for Iron Man, The Hulk or Black Widow, and mark 'em in bold so I can see them, you know the drill. See you all next week!

***

The Barracks: Rose and Balthazar 3

“Balthazar.”

The young man jumps and turns to see Rose. The pair are stood on the shores of Yellow Comet, about to head off to Green Earth. Rose looks pained.

“Uh, you good?”

“I wanted to tell you something.” Rose says. “I… I am a child genius, as you know. I was quickly enlisted into the government of Yellow Comet... as a detective.”

Balthazar blanches in fright, and takes a step back. “No… you?”

Rose nods sadly. “I was the one who was leading the case involving your brother’s money laundering. Of course, since you took the fall, I was tasked with finding you - we believed you to be our quarry. That’s why I came to Orange Star and enlisted.”

“Don’t do this…” whispers Balthazar, white-faced and gaunt. “Please. Please don’t take me in.”

“Well…” Rose mutters, glancing downwards. “I was not informed of all the details. After hearing your side of the story, I checked in with my superiors and gave them some information. I… didn’t mention your brother’s part in it, but I did suggest that you were not the mastermind.”

Balthazar is quiet. Rose continues to stare at the ground as she talks.

“So, they started looking into the businessmen that Bankai was working with. They got them. I’ve been ordered to return once I am satisfied that you are no longer a threat.”

“So I…” whispers Balthazar.

“You’re a free man. I will not be capturing you. I am… only sorry that I had to lie to you to get this far. Balthazar, you are a good man. I believe that wholeheartedly. Can you forgive me?”

Balthazar nods. “If you really did get my brother in the clear, then I owe ya one. And if we’re all free to go… then I want to keep travelling with Orange Star.”

“Let’s do it together, then.” Rose replies. Balthazar smiles, for the first time in a long while, and nods.

“Let’s go.”