Part 83: Interview 42 - “Her” (Or, “You Cannot Be Fucking Serious Right Now, Shut Up”)
Interview 42 - “Her” (Or, “You Cannot Be Fucking Serious Right Now, Shut Up”)
Oh boy, final map of Green Earth, let's go!
Ordinarily I would tell you to tone it down, but... this is a map worth being excited about, for sure. Let us go.
A map worth being excited about? That's high praise from you.
It has come to this…brought to bay against our own factory.
Hawke… Oh SHIT. Wasn’t expecting him to show up yet. It makes sense though. Hawke bullied Adder for failing… now Sturm bullies Hawke for the same thing. Here, Lord Sturm. Explain yourself. The enemy has routed your wretched companions… And here you are, cringing like a dog with its tail between its legs. …… Protect my factory at any cost. If you fail, you will know no peace and no forgiveness, cur. He says that “cur” like I would say “bitch”. “You will know no peace and no forgiveness, bitch.” See, that’s got a good ring to it. Yes, my liege.
Think we can handle this on our own? HA HA HA HA HA My dude. It’s not nice to laugh at the optimists of the world. It looks like Black Hole is mustering all its troops.
This war won’t end until we destroy that factory. If we don’t do this, no one will.
That’s not exactly true. Commander Kanbei! If we pool our might and fight as one, our chance of victory increases. Isn’t that so, Nell?
Yes, it is. We want to help as well. There she is! My gal! Blue Moon can’t send soldiers, but their support is unwavering. I understand… It’s not like we’ve been fighting this war on our own. Together, we stand strong. Now let’s go liberate Green Earth! It’d be so funny if neither Drake nor Kanbei get chosen to do the factory mission. …Well, as it happens…
...Our chosen COs are Eagle, Dipshit and Sonja. Interesting choices. I'm curious as to what kind of map we've got. I'll show you the map in a moment.
The name of the mission should give you a bit of an idea, though.
Goddamn, this is a gigantic map. The seam's tucked away in the top right, which is annoying... and there's shitloads of ocean, but Eagle can deal with that. Once the cannons are gone, anyway. And two Minicannon Islands?! In a lot of ways, this is very much "the Yellow Comet Factory Map But More". No kidding.
It’s almost time. I think air units have the advantage here. That sounds about right for an Advance Wars sea map, yeah… Boats really do get the short end of the stick. That said, we will see a few boats in this mission. Crucial ones, too.
We’re in charge of the land campaign! Wahoo! I’m ready to go!
We’re closest to the factory. The keys to this battle are taking the cannon and circling behind the enemy. Oh, and before I forget, here are the deployments. Hee hee.TODAY’S DEPLOYMENTS
Green Earth
Conrad, Infantry
Amarah, Infantry
Mulligan, Infantry
Sebastian, APC
Howard, Fighter Jet
Edgar, Fighter Jet
Petra, Fighter Jet
Adelaide, Lander
Orange Star
Alfonse, Infantry
Dave, Infantry
Fleur, Infantry
Fliss, Anti-Air
Carl, Anti-Air
Selena, Medium Tank
Lucy, Artillery
Ingo, Artillery
Carter, Rockets
Yellow Comet
Vanessa, Infantry
Minerva, Infantry
Dymek, Rockets
Aymil, Lander
Kevin, Battleship
Casildo, Battleship
Lots and lots of dudes. Though not as many as I was expecting. I'm curious to see how they handle this battle.
Well, this map starts in the same way that most of these maps start: producing infantry units. Conrad and Sebastian are deployed first.
Same thing up here: Alfonse on the left, Dave on the right. Alfonse will be heading south to capture that group of properties nearby. Hey, it's free money, and if Dipshit's facing the brunt of Hawke's forces, he'll need every penny.
Yellow Comet starts with only one base and very few properties, so their growth is going to be much slower. Still, Vanessa is here."I'd like to extend my apologies to you all that the Desolate Flower, Commander Rose, could not make it." Vanessa says into her transceiver. "I'll be leading the Yellow Comet troops alongside Sonja, and I trust that we can destroy Hawke together!"
"Any friend of Rose is a friend of ours!" Alfonse replies. "Good luck out there, Vanessa - give 'em no mercy!"
So, yes, the turn order is Eagle, Dipshit, Sonja and then Hawke. Hawke's first turn isn't too threatening. I assume that'll change soon. Oh, his factory produces all kinds of things. Bombers, Neotanks... you haven't seen anything yet.
That sounds like bullshit. But hey, I don't have to do the map, so whatever.
Conrad gets carried up here, but he doesn't get dropped off yet - the bases and properties aren't important yet. What Eagle really wants, of course... ...Is an airport. Especially one that's closer to where all the action is, since fuel is A Thing.
That said, Eagle does still need money to actually afford his planes, so Amarah and Mulligan will be taking care of that.
Alfonse and Dave head off in their chosen directions, and in the meantime, Fliss is deployed. Aw, hi Fliss! Go murder anything that flies!
The primary goal for Yellow Comet right now is just... you know, to have money. Vanessa makes a start on that.
Minerva is also deployed to speed up the process somewhat.
Hawke's factory produces three battle copters this turn. It's a good job that Dipshit's got an anti-air ready. One anti-air isn't ideal, though. The copters will be able to just fly past any attempted chokepoints and murder, like, Dave when he's trying to capture stuff. Don't worry. There are solutions in mind.
The solution is... hm. What's up? I was going to say the solution is medium tanks, but this is like, the one instance where medium tanks aren't that good. Makes me sad.
Anyway, Green Earth's turn is, as you might guess, mostly capturing.
Conrad and Sebastian finally made it to the airport, at least. It's also important to note that currently, they're both in range of the first Black Cannon. Wait, what?
We'll come back to that later. For now, it's time for Dave to fire a missile.
And that, my dude, is how one anti-air deals with three copters. "Murder everything with missiles" is certainly a valid strategy.
Whilst Dave and Fliss head towards the first Black Cannon, which is where the majority of the land battle will take place, Alfonse keeps heading south, soon to be joined by Fleur. The cannon's a decent place to fight Hawke. Once it's dead, it shouldn't be too hard to choke the upper and lower routes and keep Hawke's forces pinned down. Then again, this is Dipshit we're talking about...
Yellow Comet are just... doing their own thing. I enjoy how little they're involved in the actual battle at the moment.
Vanessa and Minerva are doing their best. Anyway, it's Hawke's turn...
And as I said, Conrad and Sebastian are in range of this Black Cannon. If Conrad takes the hit, it's gonna double the time it takes to capture that airp-
...What? Why would you go for a useless APC? My working theory is that the cannons target the most expensive unit in range. I can't say for sure, though.
Hawke's forces continue to... amass. A fucking fighter jet? None of the armies even have any planes yet, Hawke.
I suppose he's just preparing for the worst - he's up against Eagle, after all.
The actual airport itself isn't in range of the cannon, so Conrad can capture it freely. A huge mistake on Hawke's part. There's a very good chance that shooting Sebastian instead of Conrad just lost Hawke the map, honestly. Or at least, made the map much harder for him.
The others are just capturing their properties, and they're doing a good job.
Sebastian's on the retreat, which is probably good. He should go heal up. He should, but he has another couple of things to do before then.
I see Orange Star's also on the capture train. Good job, Alfonse. Hawke's got a factory and more money than Dipshit - he needs to even the score somehow.
In preparation for the copter coming up, Fliss heads further into the map.
Oh, and now it's artillery time. What better to take out the Black Cannon?
That's Lucy, though it'll take her a few turns to actually reach the cannon.
Pfft. Keep it up, girls. You're doing great.
Most of Hawke's forces gather up here, like so. One copter, however, charges ahead. We'll see him being summarily murdered next turn.
Well, on Dipshit's turn. Indeed - Eagle first. He's got an airport to capture.
Nice going, Conrad. Now let the skies be filled with a million fighter jets! You've seen the deployment list, my dude. You know for a fact that he only deploys three jets.
Amarah continues capturing, but Mulligan's go no more properties in range to capture.
He'll be taking a quick trip with Sebastian. Where are they headed, then? That property up there?
Not quite: this missile silo. Orange Star needs all the missile support they can get.
And money, they need that too. Luckily, Alfonse and Fleur can provide.
There's Fliss deleting the bro copter. Not bad!
Dave starts capturing the base - this will become the linchpin for the entire Orange Star operation on this map.
And we've got a new artillery. Ingo, I take it? Correct. The power couple of Orange Star are back."Hey, Ingo, you slowcoach! Come on, we've got a cannon to blast!" Lucy trills.
Ingo nods. "Yeah, I'm right behind you, Luce. Dave, you alright?"
"Don't worry about me." Dave replies. "Just get rid of that cannon. It'll make life easier for Green Earth."
Since Yellow Comet are almost finished capturing all the properties on this island, it's about time they prepared to leave.
And Aymil's just the guy for the job. As Sonja said at the beginning, they'll be sneaking around the south-east end of the map to take out pipe seam.
Of course, Hawke won't let that fly on his watch. Vanessa's forces will need defending whilst they do this.
Hawke's turn is... uneventful. None of his units seem that interested in moving forward, which is good for Fliss. The fighter jet charges off, but again, there's nothing that it can actually fire on at the moment, so... Hawke's been acting weird lately.
He was competent for like, two and a half maps, and then it's just felt like he got replaced with Flak or something.
Well, anyway, Amarah finishes capturing all the properties nearby, giving Eagle a solid amount of funds per turn to work with.
And meanwhile, our boy Mulligan is about to blow up a whole load of stuff.
Whilst the other enemies are closer to the Orange Star front, they're also on or near bases to heal from. These units, though, can't heal off the damage instantly, so it's more useful. Makes sense to me, yeah. You've really developed your eye for military strategy since we started doing this, you know. I'd say I learned from the best, but unfortunately Rose isn't here. Oh, that's low.
With his job done, Conrad heads further north. There's another silo and some more buildings, so it's a useful place to head to next.
And in his place, we get Howard."Well, I'm here. Urgh, this does not look like a fun battlefield. Is that gigantic cannon gonna disappear anytime soon?" Howard says, preparing to fly.
"Orange Star's on it." Mulligan replies. "Hang in there, Howard, and don't worry so much. We're going to win for sure."
"Yeah, guess we've got no choice. We have to free Green Earth. ...She's treated me real nice in the last couple of years."
Now Orange Star need to start thinking about how to deal with Hawke's bullshit. It's going to start advancing sooner or later...
Well, Alfonse and Fleur are continuing their capturing."Have you seen my sœur in battle? She's doing amazing work on the front line."
Alfonse nods. "Your sister's certainly come into her own. After what you told me about the desire to kill, I realised you were right. But... I think Fliss has also realised that she can't hold back any more. Black Hole's too dangerous to be left alive."
"Very true." Fleur replies, sighing. "Ahh... I wish it were not so."
Dave finishes capturing the base, which is really handy - getting units to the front line is virtually instantaneous now. That's good, because we need something bulkier to protect Fliss.
Fliss stays where she is for now, whilst Lucy and Ingo continue making their way to the cannon. Lucy will be in range to start attacking it soon. Once it's down, it frees up a ton of space for Eagle's planes.
Minerva captures the last building on this starting island, at long last. It's been a slow start for Yellow Comet.
But next turn, they'll both be able to leave and head to their next destination. There's still a lot of work for them to do. I mean, there's a cannon in the south-east. It's not as immediately threatening as the one near Orange Star, but taking it out would be good. They'll get on that as soon as possible.
Hawke's forces continue to amass. As much as them not moving forward is a good thing, it does mean that when they do eventually move forward... ...They're gonna be in one massive, unbeatable group. That could be a problem.
A lot of this map, really, comes down to management. There's a lot of balls in the air, and dropping any one of them could lead to a loss. Like most Advance Wars maps, the key is to act decisively. Aggression is almost always better than being defensive, because it prevents the enemy from snowballing like Hawke's trying to do here.
Howard has to head south-east to avoid the range of the Black Cannon, unfortunately. It'll be gone soon, though.
The fucking range on those things. Goddamn.
Anyway, time for a second fighter to join the fray. Eagle's got the money, so why not? Who's this, then? It's Edgar C. Fortunado, leader of the Green Earth Old Guard. You didn't think he'd miss the final battle of Green Earth, did you? But of course not! Fly, my good man, fly!
Another good way to prevent Hawke from snowballing is just to constantly harass him with missiles. Constant harassment is the solution to many of life's problems, like getting a job or finding a girlfriend.
...Did you constantly harass Orange Star until they hired you? I'm not saying no, but I'm not saying yes either.
Anyway, with the copters and medium tank thoroughly missiled- What about missilinated? shut up-that's all Green Earth can do for now. That said, these infantry still have one last job to do. We'll see that later on.
Onto Orange Star, who are still merrily capturing away. Dipshit wants more pocket money. He's not getting any more until he does his goddamn paperwork!
Not much else to say for this turn, though. Lucy gets in range of the cannon, Ingo catches up, and Dave's on his way to the missile silo for more m- ...for more missilination.
And Aymil's picking up the girls. Where's he bound though?
Pretty much directly east.
Meanwhile, Hawke's turn... his units are now crossing the bridge towards the Orange Star front line - and a Neotank's sitting in the back. Oh, fucking hell. Orange Star don't even have any troops yet, besides an anti-air!
The planes are just heading across the ocean - for the most part they'll be duelling with Hawke's planes, and protecting Yellow Comet from getting bombed by, uh, bombers. They do like to bomb things.
However, this is a problem. Letting this plane initiate would be insane, but it also covers a massive amount of the ocean that, you know, Eagle's planes would like to be in. Hawke's doing a good job of keeping Eagle's planes away from him, that's for sure.
There's other things to worry about, however. Like getting a lander - it's Adelaide, ready to set sail. A lander? Eagle's planes need to do a lot of fighting. Sending some infantry over the ocean to capture the airports near the factory can help them stay in tip-top condition and avoid fuel problems. Furthermore, it prevents Hawke from getting them. Both of those sound good to me! Off you go, Adelaide!
Mulligan hops in, then Amarah gets into Sebastian, who then gets into Adelaide.
As Sebastian's APC rolls onto the deck of the lander, Adelaide makes a very deliberate attempt to ignore him. Amarah and Sebastian feel a little awkward.
"So, shall we be off?" Mulligan asks.
"We'll be right off in just... a... moment." murmurs Adelaide, staring out at the ocean like it's the most interesting thing she's ever seen. Behind them, Amarah and Sebastian are stood by the deck rail, looking over the side.
"This isn't going to be an easy journey, with all those cannons around." says Amarah. "Still, it's nice to have the wind in one's hair and the sea breeze at your back!"
"I... suppose so." Sebastian replies.
Amarah smiles at him. "Come on, Sebastian. There's no need to feel awkward. We're professional soldiers."
"It's the first time we've fought together since..." Sebastian says, but he shakes his head. "No, you're right. Green Earth comes first. We have to win today, no matter the cost."
"Then let's do it!" Amarah replies, spinning around with joy.
Eagle's certainly not letting Hawke get him down. Being aggressive is definitely the right play here, but blundering into danger would be dumb. Let's just hope this all works out.
One of the copters rather foolishly sat in Fliss' range, and it gets murdered for its troubles. This does mean that Fliss is going to take 3 damage from that minicannon, but compared to having an enemy copter running around near the artillery units... it's a sensible trade.
Dave launches another silo. We've almost used all of the available silos on the map now. To be fair, even with all the silo support, Hawke's still got a pretty daunting army.
This is why Dave weakens the frontrunners - he is in range of that enemy tank, which might be troublesome... Pfft. Dave's killed tanks before, he'll be fine.
Ingo gets into position so he can start attacking next turn, whilst Lucy lands the first shot on the Black Cannon.
These two are still doing their thing. They've almost captured all the buildings now, though - Dipshit must be making good money now.
Hawke's army is almost upon him, so he's going to need it, too.
One space away from landing at port? Goddammit, that's annoying.
Fliss gets cannoned in the face, as expected. She takes it well.
Dave looks up, his long hair fluttering around his face in the sea winds, and spots a tank bearing down on him. As it opens fire, the first volley rips through the missile silo. A stray bullet catches Dave's arm and he winces, trying to hide behind the cover offered by the silo.
"Aw, hell..." he mutters. "I'm in deep, folks. If we don't find somebody to hold down this point... I'm gonna lose it. Copters, arties, tanks..."
"We'll help you, Dave!" Ingo says fiercely, but Dave's response shocks both him and Lucy into silence.
"No! Absolutely not!" Dave yells. "Ingo, Luce... it's not about helpin' me out. You gotta focus on that cannon. Green Earth are relying on you to trash that thing so they can begin their assault. I'm just one guy."
True to Dave's word, the army begins to converge around him - too many troops for even a soldier of Dave's caliber to consider fighting alone.
"Dave..." Lucy murmurs. "Dave, what would Rin say if she saw this?"
"She'd tell me that she didn't want me to die. She'd ask me to retreat. She'd cry, and beg, and probably convince me to fall back in the end."
Lowering his eyes, Dave grips his gun and stands up, facing the enemy tank.
"All in all... it's a damn good job that she's not here to see this."
It is now Eagle's turn. Since the cannon will be taken out by Lucy and Ingo this turn, the planes can pretend that it's not there.
They do still have to be careful of the minicannons and Hawke's fighter jet, though. Why do fighter jets have such a stupid range, goddamn...
That island with the two airports is their destination, though - that's where Eagle will be facing the majority of Hawke's air force, and those are the airports that our infantry will be capturing.
Our final fighter is now deployed: Petra, ready to prove herself in battle alongside her mentor, Edgar. Man, everyone's really giving it their all. I wanna see how this plays out!
Conrad is also sort of giving it his all, in the sense that he's still capturing things. Even though Eagle does't really need the money anymore. It's for bragging rights and style points, which are the ultimate rewards.
So, next up it's Dipshit's turn. I swear to fuck if Dave dies- I told you this was an interesting map, didn't I? And that you didn't want to miss it? Ruin
Fleur sighs. "I'm almost done here. Alfonse, are you on your way north?"
"Yeah... I don't think I can reach Dave in time though. None of our troops can... who's going to stand up to that army?"
Dave, still standing in the wreckage of the missile silo, begins to walk towards the amassed army. The tank in front of him readies the cannons once more, and he grins.
"Well, I never wanted to die, but I suppose it comes with the territory sometimes." he mutters. "I'm gonna hold this point for as long as I can though. So come on, you bastards. Do your fucking worst!"
He closes his eyes, and hears the noise of a cannon firing, just feet ahead of him.
...Then, there's a gigantic rumbling noise that comes from behind him, moving in front of him, and the sound of a clang, like a cannon shot being completely deflected. Dave opens his eyes hesitantly.
A Neotank is in front of him, having blocked the shot without sustaining any damage. The cannons of the Neotank turn to face the Black Hole tank, now looking hopelessly outclassed. Dave lets out a gasp of disbelief.
“I thought nobody in Orange Star was proficient enough to drive these. Is that you, Selena?” breathes Dave, staring up at the Neotank, hardly daring to believe his eyes. Inside, a delighted chuckle can be heard; the top of the tank opens up, and a woman clambers out, standing upright on the tank like a champion. It isn’t Selena, however. But it is a familiar face.
“Hold that thought. I’ll introduce myself to all the folks.” she says.
She turns back to the battlefield and strikes a victorious pose, her voice rising into a yell. The shout can be heard across the battlefield, and it is a war cry that every troop on the field, good and evil alike, will remember for the rest of their lives. It is the sound of determination itself, manifested into words and phrases by a legend given flesh.
“I’m going to tell you my name now, and you Black Hole bastards better commit it to memory - the name of the woman who singlehandedly stood in the way of everything you’ve been working toward! If any of you have fought me in the past, you already know damn well that you should fear me!” the woman shouts. “They call me the destructive force, the mightiest soldier in the army, the mother bear… but you, you scum-sucking, country-conquering wannabes..."
A noise like a thunderbolt erupts from the end of the Neotank as a single, unbelievably powerful shot, is launched at the tank.
"You will remember me as Tina Van Koning!”
I may have... 'forgotten' to add her to the deployments list... I thought it would be a fun surprise.TODAY’S DEPLOYMENTS
Orange Star
Tina, Neotank
...My dude? You're awfully quiet. I thought you'd be more excited. HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLL YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH There it is. Anyway, Lucy takes another shot at the cannon..."Tina! Oh my god, Tina's back!" Lucy screeches. "Give this battle everything you've got, folks! There's NO chance that we can lose now!"
Ingo chuckles to himself. "Yeah, you're about as excited as I imagined. It's good to have you back, though, Tina."
"It's good to be back! But let's save the chatter for after the battle. We've got a lot of stuff to break before this fight is done!"
"Oh," Ingo says, grinning. "You mean like this gigantic cannon?"
The cannon explodes in rather glorious fashion - that's one down, and the first step to completing this map.
Fliss, meanwhile, makes her retreat.
Ah, a battleship. That's how they plan to deal with the second cannon! Correct. Kevin will be taking care of that.
Meanwhile, Aymil drops Minerva off. Vanessa's got a more important mission, so she's staying on board for the time being.
Next, we'll see how Hawke responds to the arrival of a Neotank on the opposing side. Well, if he's anything like me, it'll involve lots of screaming and crying, and blaming God for my struggles.
...Howard accidentally strayed into minicannon range.
As for Hawke's ground forces, they advance towards Tina, but none of them are bold enough to actually attack her.
Time for Eagle's planes to start attacking stuff, now the Black Cannon's out of the way.
Indeed, and transport copters are top priority - we do not want Hawke to get either of those airports.
Adelaide is catching up. Just... slowly. The cannons don't make it easy.
Aw, Conrad's still doing his thing too. Nice.
Fleur finally finishes capturing her last property. She can head north with Alfonse once he's done, to uh... not do anything for the rest of the map. Sounds pretty relaxing to me.
Upon hearing that Tina has arrived, Selena comes out to help, in a medium tank.
“So that’s Tina…” murmurs Fliss as she watches the Neotank trundling towards them. “The one you told me about. I can feel her strength emanating from her…”
“Yeah. She’s a force unto herself, outstripping even Selena.” Ingo replies.
Fliss widens her eyes. “Stronger th-than Selena?"
“Oh, I’m strong,” Selena chimes in, agreeing. “But Tina is beyond even me. Tina Van Koning is a living legend, and you should thank your lucky stars that she’s on our side."
Yellow Comet are here to help, too - Minerva missilinates the enemy army.
Yeah, weakening that Neotank was a good call.
Aymil is taking Vanessa up north, and meanwhile, Kevin is catching up. He'll be in position to start firing on the second cannon soon.
Hawke's forces advance, but with all the missile hits... they're not looking that threatening anymore. That artillery is in range of Tina, though, so that'll have to go.
Last day for this first half of the map, by the way. You'll be unsurprised to hear that this is a long map. Figured that was coming. What's gonna happen today, then?
Howard erases one copter...
And Edgar takes out the other. Eagle's maintaining good control of this area.
Conrad's helping. I think. Style points, Ruin. Style points.
...I don't think style points are real.
Anyway, Tina can absolutely stomp this foe...
And that lets my gal Selena take out the artillery before it can attack. Beautiful!
In order to prevent future ranged-related mishaps, Carter is deployed with rockets.
Alfonse is also done. He and Fleur have finished their job for the map.
And the army gathers like so.
With nothing else to do, Minerva becomes a pirate and captures a port.
Vanessa gets dropped off up here.
...And Adelaide gets shot.
Nothing exciting happens, though.
So... I'll see you next time, my dude. Looking forward to it!***
Part 42 Additional