Part 30: Update 28 Part 2: The not-so-Grand Bolt.

"M-my...power...hhhh...Hhhhhhh... Hhhhh...noooo... Hhhhhhh...

The screen flashes white.

Hey, check it! Von Bolt's power is fading!

The war is over... Surrender, Von Bolt! You're done!

No...hhhh... No...! Hhhhhh... Must...hhhh...live...hhhh...

The screen flashes again.

Dude! What now?!

Look! The fragments of that giant oozium are pooling together!

What on earth...? It's trying to repair itself!

Oh, man! Not good! What are we supposed to do now?

The chair! Break the old man's chair!

Lash...?

I think she's right. Do you see the bizarre device he's riding on? He's using its power to repair the Grand Bolt! If we don't destroy it right now, that blob will reassemble itself!

Why yes, yes I do see it! It’s... yeah, okay, that could’ve really used a graphic of some sort.

Works for me! I'm gonna bust it up good!

...No! Wait. I'll do it.

...Hhhh... W-wait... Are you...hhh...really planning...hhh...to take...hhhhhh...take my life?

Huh?

This...hhhh...device...hhhh...is my life-support system... Hhhhhhhhhh! It is...hhhh...the only thing...hhh...keeping me alive... Hhhhh... Without it...hhhhh... I will...hhhhh...die...

Unh...

Don't listen to him, Jake!

Unless you...hhhh...destroy my chair... My oozium will...hhhhh...return. My obelisk will...hhhhh...return. The desert will...hhhh...spread... All life will...hhhhhhh...perish... But if you...hhhh...destroy the chair...hhh...my life...hhhh...ends. Can you...hhhh...do it? Can you murder...hhh...a frail old man?

...

Hehh hhh hhh... You...hesitate. Hhhh... Are you...hhhh...afraid? Do it! Hhhhh... Do it if you dare! Hhhhhhh hhhhhnnn hhhnnnnggg! Destroy the chair...hhhh... Take my life...hhhh...

You little--

To live...hhhh...is to take...hhhh... How many plants...hhhhh...animals... Hhhhhh... Have you taken...hhhh...in your life...? You...hh...and I... Hhhh... We are the same... Hhhhh... We take...hhh...that we might live...!

You selfish old crank!

Now... Hhhhnnnggh... What will... Hhhh... You do...? Hhhnnnnggg... Will you... Hhhnngg...kill...hhgggg...me...? Hhhnnnggg!

...!!

Oh no! A moral dilemma! Should we have our plucky protagonist kill this obviously evil man and save the world, or is he too pure to dirty his hands with blood? (No, all those squadrons of infantry, tanks, etc don’t count, what kind of a stupid question was that?)

Now there are two options here. One for Jake to be “awesome” and one for him to wuss out. Honestly, I like the wuss out one for several reasons so let’s look at it first:

..... Man. I can't. I just can't do this.

Jake!

Look, I know that Omega Land will be toast if I don't do it... And I know he's, like, the most evil guy ever... But I still can't do it. I can't kill some defenseless old dude.

Jake...

I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry! I'm sorry I let you all down, I'm sorry I doomed Omega Land...

Max is standing right there... and just offered...

Hehhh hhh hhh! Heehhh hhhhhh hhhhhh... Fools... Hhhh... Fools... Now witness...hhh...with your own eyes... Hhhhh...the revival of...hhh...oozium... Since you cannot...hhhh...kill me...hhhh... I shall never die...! Hhhhhgggghhh...! All of you...hhhh...have lost... I...hhh.... I live still!

BANG!

The heck?

What happ--?

...I have destroyed your life-support system. This is the end, Von Bolt.

H-Hawke...? Y-you... Hhhhhrrrgghhh... You... .....

Hawke...

To fight one evil...you must sometimes use another... It's a fitting role for me.

So the competent character ends up saving the day because Jake is a massive pussy who can’t handle a little taunting. Par for the course by now, really.

That’s right. After Jake shows he has the spine of a saturday morning cartoon “hero” when faced with an actually difficult and moral choice. “I can’t save the world because it would mean killing an old man who’s taunting me about my inability to get blood on my hands!” Therefore, Hawke steps up like a real man.

Still sort of fits everyone’s personality, honestly. Hawke is the man with the plan.

Now, what if Jake took the shot?

...

Jake?

...I can do this, Rachel. I'll destroy the chair.

I'm glad to hear you say so, Jake. I thought you to be...soft. I thought I would have to deliver the blow myself... Take this gun. Show me your courage. End this war.

Hhhnnngggh!! Hhhnnnggghhh! W-wait! Hhhnngghh... No...! Hhnngg! You... Hhnngghh...! Can't...! You will... Hhhnngh...! Destroy it...? Even after... Hhnggh...! My story...?

...Yes. I will. And I won't hesitate. I will do it for the friends who fought by my side. And for Omega Land... I won't hesitate, old man!

Hhhhnnngggghhhhh! Noooooooohhhnnnngggghhhh!

BANG!

...

Hhnnnngghh! Hhnnngggg...? Hhhh...? You...hhhh...missed...? Hhh... You missed...hhhh...me...hhhh...

I didn't miss. I shot the chair. You'll have to live out the rest of your life under your own power. I want you to live. I want you to pay for your crimes. You don't get to die while the rest of us clean up your mess!

Hehhh hhh hhh... Such arrogance... What do you...hhh...want...hhh...? Shall I...hhhh...sweep some streets...?

Makes me curious just how important ‘life support’ is. Is it just stuff that has to be done every so often, like dialysis, or is it closer to an iron lung? Basically, how much time does he have to push a broom?

Yeah. Sure. Whatever. I don't really care what you do, as long as it's useful. I'm going to make you create something new for every one thing you destroyed. That's the real way of things in the world... Welcome to natural selection, chump!

That is not how natural selection works. At all. Please stop talking and go back to your little heroic scene.

Hhh... I won't...hhh...be lectured...hhh... By some kid...! Hhhhhhh! Hhhhhh! You should have...hhh...killed me... Now...hhh...I will take you all...hhh... with me! Hhhhnngggghhh!

When a gun is put in Jake’s hand (again by Hawke thinking ahead and being a man), he suddenly starts to channel Orange Fluffy Sheep’s Sweet Jake and becomes a callous motherfucker. First he destroys an old man’s life support system (and combined doomsday device) than he sentences the old man in question to hard labor. Anyways, no matter what you chose, the ending is the same.

...RUMBLE...
...RUMBLE...

The base is shaking!

It's gonna collapse!

Everyone! Evacuate, now!

Hawke! Come on, man, let's split!

I still have...one last job. Here we are. At the end of everything... And all I could do was take... I am no different than this old man... Jake... I wish I had met you...before.

Jake! Come on! The base is collapsing! You'll be buried alive!

NO! Hawke! He's in there! Hawke is still in there! No! Let me go! He's still--

Crash!


And that’s the final level. Probably the easiest final level in Advance Wars history even with the bullshit of relying on an AI for half of the battle. Of course, the game isn’t quite done yet.



The war is over. Black Hole has been utterly defeated, and their remaining troops scattered... With everyone's help, peace has returned to Omega Land. I would like to to express my heartfelt thanks to all of the COs... Green Earth... Commander Eagle, Commander Jess, Sir Javier... I thank you all... There would be no peace without you.

I am honored to have served with the noblest knights history has ever seen.

Your leadership was brilliant, Rachel.

If anything happens, just call. We'll be there.

Yellow Comet... Commander Grimm, Commander Sonja, and my dear Sensei... Thank you all. We could not have done this without you.

Gwar har har! We got to kick butt AND break things! Pretty fun, eh, Sensei?

Heh heh... You said it!

I have learned much from this... Thank you, Rachel.

Blue Moon... Commander Sasha, Commander Colin, Commander Grit... Thank you. Your efforts saved us many times over.

No... Thank you, Rachel, for your leadership.

C-Commander Rachel! Thank you for believing in me!

Heh... Colin's turned into a fine young feller. I think y'all are in good hands...

Orange Star... Commander Max, Commander Sami... Jake... Thank you.

It's really over, huh?

Be proud, Jake! It's thanks to you!

I bet Nell will be tickled pink that Omega Land is safe again!

And finally... Our former Black Hole COs, Lash and...Hawke. Hawke is...not with us...but I will not forget the sacrifice that both of you made.

Aw, you can forget it! I don't care! ...Well, I guess I do care a little bit...

Well then... I officially declare the Allied Nations disbanded! I appreciate your help... Thank you all.


...And that conclude my report. I appreciate your quick response to my reinforcement request, Commander Nell. Please give my best to all of the Macro Land COs.

Will do. I sincerely hope that both Macro Land and Omega Land maintain their close ties... But tell me, Rachel, how did you like leading the Allied Nations?

Hmmm... Well, I'm glad we found a way to win. But I don't think my battles went as smoothly as when you lead, Nell. This war has taught me that I still have a lot of learning left to do. I have to carry my weight and not be a burden to other COs.

If you feel that way, you're already doing well. I still have the same doubts, from time to time. And I still get rattled after a battle. Asking questions... Could I have done things differently... Is there a better way...? But that feeling allows you to grow... and that's important.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Wow. You can learn a lot by listening to your elders...

Rachel! Are you calling me old?!

N-no! I didn't say anything like that! ...I'm going to hang up now.

Hey, hold on, Rach.

W-what? Look, I meant it as a compliment, I swear...

...Good work, Sis. You did well.

...Nell... Yeah, I guess I did... Thanks...Commander!



.....

I knew I'd find you here.

Hey, Sasha... 'Sup?

This must be that hill you told me about...

Yeah, this is it... 'Course, it's just a lump of sand now.

.....

Welp, so much for that romantic spot. In the end, Von Bolt was the true winner by fucking up Jake’s date.

You know, I... I fought Black Hole because I wanted to defend the view from this hill... I figured if I worked those guys, then peace would come... And yeah, we have peace, but... What we lost is just... It's too much...

You did well, Jake.

Yeah, I guess... I don't know... This hill used to be all green, you know? And then... Hawke... I just...

Jake...

.....


Hey, Jake, look!

What? Where?

Right there... Careful... Don't step on them...

Hey...! Check it out! Flowers..

So small, yet so lovely.. Do they always bloom on this hill?

Yeah, and in the spring this place was covered with 'em... I can't believe they're growing here in the middle of all this sand!

Jake... You made them bloom.

[b][/b]

What, me? Me...?

You did. And someday, I know that flowers will cover this hill again. When that happens, we'll bring everyone back to see it.

I'll tell you something, Sasha... No one will ever do this again. If some enemy appears and tries to wreck everything all over again... I won't lose. I will fight for the tiny life that has blossomed in this great land... ...Word.


Nicely done, Hawke... Wherever you are... I don't know how you managed to escape with Lord Von Bolt's chair...but kudos. Poor Von Bolt. He can't even sweep a street in the shape he's in...

Lord Von Bolt's chair... Massive energy... Jugger mood setting: utter awe.

Yes. The device certainly has enough power left to revive this land... Of course, Hawke could always use it to build an army and come after us...

But...we destroyed the chair. That was the whole point of that choice, whether Hawke or Jake put an end to things. How are we using the chair we just destroyed? Goddammit, this happened five minutes ago, be consistent game!

Not to worry, Kindle... It appears the hawk has flown to the nest with empty talons.

Desert receding. Green fields returning. Omega Land rebooting. Jugger experiences wistfulness. Jugger misses...sand.

Aha ha ha! Hawke, you devil. So wishy-washy! I wonder... Did you question the path you had chosen when you first met your new friends? Or did it take a few days? Ah, well... C'est la vie...

Shall we start planning our next campaign, Kindle?

Aha ha ha ha! No, I think not. Let's not think on such things for a while. I just want to find a quiet little city with fine restaurants and good shopping... I'll raise a glass to your success, Allied Nations! But I suggest that you stay sharp... One never knows what manner of enemy may be waiting for you... Aha ha ha! Aha ha ha ha ha!

What happened to Hawke and Von Bolt’s chair? What are the Bolt Guard planning? Will Hawke be the next Big Bad of Wars World? Only time will tell!

Just kidding, the Wars World “plot” was dropped for Days of Ruin.

I do like seeing the Bolt Guard getting their own (sort of?) happy ending, though.


And now onto the slide show where the game goes over all the levels you played and shows off your ranking on all of them. I'm not going to go over the rankings myself since you guys can just link the older posts.


After the slide show is the credits.


Next comes your campaign rating and a free wallpaper to use on the main menu. We also see who was used the most in the campaign.


Now that we’ve beaten the main campaign we can not only unlock the Hard campaign but we can also buy the rest of the COs with the exception of Von Bolt.

So what’s the difference between the normal campaign and the hard campaign?


To start the levels are, if not harder, at least bigger and more complex. Here’s the picture for the hard mode version of Jake’s Trial, the very first map.


Secondly, you get to play with EVERY CO you’ve ever unlocked, as well as the ability to tag-team from the very start.

To that, all I can say is that it’s been a pleasure. This has been a hell of a [stupid] ride and I’m glad I got to experience it blind. Maybe I can even get back to updating my own LP now!