Part 4: Chapter Four
Chapter FourWhen we last left our intrepid adventures, they were quite busy escaping from Todd at El Pinto's castle. Which he destroyed. For no reason.
OMGWTFBBQ: ...what?
EPG: Don't mind him, he has issues.
Pipebomb: IM ABOUT TO BRAK!
Pipebomb: So OMGWTFBBQ, just what the fuck? Really, WHAT THE FUCK man?
OMGWTFBBQ: I am not a man. I am not sure what I am, and that gives me great pain and alienates me for some reason. All I know is that I have abilities I do not understand or truly control, but manage to surface and exert themselves with the perfect timing necessary to win every battle, intimidate every foe, and always get my way. Putting a word to my exact nature would invariably limit my obscene powers, so I prefer to keep things vague so that I am never criticized. I hope that someday this will earn me some nice and tight pussy.
Pipebomb always knows the right thing to say to end a conversation.
Pipebomb: me so solly!
OMGWTFBBQ: How about some oral sex tips?
EPG: Curve your lips over your teeth... this will prevent scraping the penis...
OMGWTFBBQ: ...why do you know that?
EPG: OKAY, lets go talk to Geno!
OMGWTFBBQ: ......
Pipebomb: But I dont wanna go see Geno! He smells like Daddy.
EPG: Screw you, we're going. To the south there's a cave that leads to South Figaro. Lets go there, okiepay?
Cue uninteresting chocobo ride to the cave leading to South Figaro.
OMGWTFBBQ: But you blew up the castle.
EPG: SANDWICH GODDAMMIT!
You have to admit, he has some pretty loyal guards. Not a word of protest, just a confused ride towards the desert.
Toasty!
This pretty much describes in full detail the awesome trip through the Figaro cave.
I forgot to screenshot it, but El Pinto's "Tool" option has been replaced with "Blitz". This would be awesome, were it not for the fact that blitzes aren't opened up until the meeting with Vargas at Mt. Kolts...so he's stuck swinging around the claws he has equipped.
Oh yeah, El Pinto also uses Claws instead of swords/spears.
EPG: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??
Pipebomb: Must've been magic or sumtin...
EPG: No shit! That's not fair!
Pipebomb: You're right! I WANT SOME MAGIC!
OMGWTFBBQ: Sry dood, no can do.
Pipebomb: Teach me too will ya?
EPG: Magic is SO COOL!
OMGWTFBBQ: ... ...
Pipebomb: I suppose OMGWTF's magic makes up for his general other suckiness. Lets just leave it at that.
The rest of the cave goes as normal without incident.
We fight a few enemies outside on the way to South Figaro. The second insect-thing is instadead.
When we reach South Figaro, we see a man hightailing it away from us. X JAKK was nice enough to give OMGWTF the Segway relic from the start, which replaces the Sprint Shoes. It makes keeping up with him easy enough.
Unless, of course, dudes get in your way.
Emma, the King of the Underworld, has gone crazy and brought his doman into chaos.
Your mission, as a high priest or Bonze Kackremboh, is to get rid of the evil spirit from Emma and annihilate his followers.
My biggest problem LPing this game is remembering to actually add the typos. It hurts sometimes.
Inside the...cafe...
We find this dude.
?????: Ive got this million dollar smile, on top the world, aint nothing gonna bring my sunshine down.
EPG: Stand back! I know him! OMG OMG...!
from the machines drown out my screams as the 3 manager take turn violating my anus.
EPG: That's isnoop! His taste in music sucks and he's full of angst!
Pipebomb: !! OOWOOOOWWW!
We'll learn more about him later. Lets go about making Pipebomb slightly less useless...
And let's explore the big house!
That's pretty much all that's worthwhile in town. I forgot to cap it, but Cliff Yablonski apparently went to Mt. Kolts for cookies and pie. This means very little to pretty much everyone.
So let's go check out this house north of South Figaro.
EPG: I almost have it!
EPG: Attention on deck, Uh-Oh Uh-Oh.
EPG: Yes! X is the number of pigs in a bard!! Ive finally figured it out!
Now that we've explored the house...
This guy shows up outside.
EPG: Who might you be siiiiiiiir?
Unnamed Man: On January 27, 1993, I was forcefully raped!
Unnamed Man: I was held down while at least 3 black inmates had anal intercourse using my rectum as their sexual pleasure release!
That's nice.
Some dudes we can fight in Mt. Kolts. Not overly exciting.
So we'll chat it up with this guy instead.
Pipebomb: not the rape!
EPG: oh, hey Pillsbury Commando. By the authority of Lucha, you shall fall by my hand evildoer!
P Commando: Pathetic Midgets!! I am never fall as long as bears are live! I disrespect you!
The fight's as uninteresting as the original, but oh hey!
El Pinto can use blitzes now!
P Commando: Enough! DIE DIE DIE
Give it up, Commando!
Ozma: I've got a grudge against you for no good reason! Lets settle this in honorable combat!
P. Commando: Honorable combat? Pfft! Honor is overrated. What's in it for me?
Ozma: Too chicken to fight one on one?
P. Commando: No! I'm not chicken!
Ozma: Then enough talk! Lets go!
P. Commando: Fine then! But first, I'll take care of these other miscreants...
P. Commando: Here's to honor...and if you can't get honor, trip her first then get honor!
Ozma: Lets dance motherfucka!
P. Commando: Ha ha ha...I will not lose!
So, this is Ozma. Basically, Edgar and Sabin switched shit around for no real reason.
P. Commando: I tire of this! Come on, Ms Ozma! Give me your best shot! Whatsa matter Colonel Sanders? Chicken?
P. Commando: Y...you shot me! You BITCH!
I'm pretty sure you're supposed to use the autocrossbow to make that first line make sense but whatev.
Ozma: Kiss me, Im HIV+!
Ozma is in this game as "Ms Ozma" but I'm going to omit it for transcriptions sake.
Pipebomb: Well thats... sweet. Sorry to hear about Cliff being sat on.
OMGWTFBBQ: Hey now, isnt Cliff Yablonski made up?
Ozma: Made up?
Ozma: ...quiet you.
Ozma: Well, what are you punk kids doing here?
EPG: Weesa going to a party!
Ozma: Cliff lost it after...Al broke his shed.
EPG: No! Not the shed!
EPG: You're a bear?
Ozma: Roarr, Im a big scary bear!! I eat babies, roar!
And now we have Ozma. Isn't she splendid?
Next time:
