Part 23: Chapter Twenty-Two
Update Twenty-Two
Mobliz is as shitty as ever, though it's not in the middle of the Sloppy Vagina anymore.
Apparently, someone's been blowing up orphanages.
Gonna point a finger at you here, Ozma.
"No, I'm a Comfortador."
Boy: You're neither, you're a whipping boy...raised by mongrels, and set on a sacrificial stone.
OMGWTFBBQ: forever and always to the end, i can't live with out u cause you're my best friend!!
I left the grammar intact this time. Appreciate it.
Boy: WTF!! I AM OFFENDED!
OMGWTFBBQ: Thanks for taking out those other orphanages, they were nothing but spawnkillers and campers.
"Cool, let's go have a clambake down by the sea!"
OMGWTFBBQ: Sorry guys, I'm part of an internet gaming team now.
He walks away. There's only one person worth talking to in this hellhole.
JAKK has a knack for giving the most perverse lines to children. This is both hilarious and horrifying at the same time.
OMGWTFBBQ: Maybe you didn't understand me. I'm part of an INTERNET GAMING TEAM.
OMGWTFBBQ: Buddha Christ ran our SA Quake2 mod server but his mom made him get off so she could order ham online so I went all Super Saiyan and blew up the damn place and now we ownerzd all the other Morrowind clans.
Morrowind has clans? I don't know much about things.
"YOUR DICK ARE NOT FUNCTION!"
OMGWTFBBQ: MY DICK IS FUNCTIONING!
This is renamed Duane for those of you not paying attention.
You am I: I'm gonna sing the Doom Song now...Doom Doom Doom.
And that's Katarin, respectively. I hate them both.
OMGWTFBBQ: I also have to care for them as part of the Retards With Wishes project. What's wrong with you? All you talk about is aliens and ghosts and seeing Bigfoot in your garage!
You am I: He was using the belt sander...
Sam Jain, huh?
Ultramega OK posted:
The former CEO of eFront, a dot-com company that once hosted Something Awful and employed Lowtax.
Jain was like most dot-com CEOs: he had no profitable business plan. His solution was to defraud the webmasters who worked for him, by not paying them, and by "re-negotiating" their contracts with him. Eventually, a disgruntled employee hacked into one of Jain's computers, and copied several ICQ logs of Jain talking to Arcade at Home webmaster Tim Eckel. In the logs, Jain and Eckel talked about resetting ad hits for websites, locking webmasters from their sites, and in one case, raping a female webmaster.
Once the logs were posted on the Internet, things went downhill for Jain. He received numerous death threats, his personal information was posted online, and he was outed as having a 1991 conviction for fraud. Things didn't go as well for eFront either. It went bankrupt in April 2001.
Jain has since disappeared.
That's a little interesting. This is even moreso, posted on June 14th.
Mercurial posted:
Sam Jain, real name Jain Shaileshkumar, is now officially a fugitive. A bench warrant was issued for his arrest on January 12, 2009, when he skipped out on a $250,000 bond. He is believed to be currently in the Ukraine.
On June 9, 2011, federal immigration officials announced that they seized 14.8 million from a Swiss bank account belonging to Jain.
We kick his ass. He apparently deserves it.
"Sorry, you lost through the magic of being a loser."
Boy: Whales can fart. That news means more to me than it should.
OMGWTFBBQ: The eye of zoron is coming for you the finest weed in the shire, life was once peaceful in the shire...but evil took it all away.
OMGWTFBBQ: never been much, for adventure but now that i got the ring. THE RING OF POWER.
OMGWTFBBQ: and it goes on like that...now go get some candy, you deserve it. You also deserve stickers. STICKERS!
X JAKK if you're reading this you promised me this dialogue would get better.
YOU LIED TO ME.
Whatever I feel like getting some progress going, I don't know when I'll get the gumption to put off shit to do this again!
Robot: Say my name! Who let the dogs out woofwoof motherfucker!
Robot: I'll run point, distract any guards with my hands, and then kick them.
Robot: Zack Parsons is alive after all!
Robot: You better tell your vagina to start packing, because Banmaster B is here to rock its ass out of TOAOOWWWWN!
Robot: You won't find me in the phonebook...I'll find YOU...in the phonebook.
Robot: Satan is like a groin, filled with temptation and odor, and the only way to get rid of him...is with a MASSIVE BASTARD KICK!
Then they all leave and get on the ship.
oh hey epg
Zack: Hello. My name is Zack "Sam" Parsons and when not putting runs in my hose and candy in my nose for Lowtax, I can be found writing quality family entertainment.
He goes south and we follow him of course.
Fistgrrl: El Pinto?
Fistgrrl: Shut up, you're El Pinto Grande.
Zack: Lies! I am the GeistEditor, Something Awful shirts and co-opting African American culture made me who I am!
Zack: So would you like to join us in the men's restroom for a naked party? We're going to stick our heads into each other's crotches and practice pile drivers!
Zack: But first, where's my money, bitch!? Cough it up, cooze!
Fistgrrl: Zack, you're not a pimp. You work at the Pasta Barn. The only time I'll have money for you is when I want some noodles.
Sure whatever.
Zack: A NIGHTMARE. The worst kind of nightmare, where you shit yourself and roll over and put your face in it a few times then wake up and find out a bunch of it wasn't even your own shit and then you get some on your mou-
Sasquatch: What was in the castle.
Zack: I don't know...but I'm pretty sure if one teaspoon of this stuff touches our atmosphere...it travels back in time, launches a meteor the size of 6 texases into earth, and destroys life before it even began.
SURE WHATEVER.
Continuing the trend of awful dialogue for children.
Fistgrrl: Let us purchase that product and/or service at once!
Zack: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE!
A robot walks in.
Fistgrrl: Who is that?
Zack: FUCK OFF BROAD!
Who else remembers Yaos?
Yaos: The human form is dirty and bad. And I don't care for your language, either!
I looked him up in the SAClopedia. He's not there.
So I lost interest.
Zack: I talk trash and I trash talk tough!
Banmaster B: That you do. So hows things going with that girl you met on Yahoo?
Zack: Well, the fun wasn't over for me; she changed her mind and decided to crap in the kitchen in a bowl, but then she changed her mind again and decided to crap in the bathtub.
Charming.
YAOS STOP STEALING OUR SHIT.
Yaos: Satan must have created you through spells and wizardry!
Not entirely sure what this is referencing but I'm assuming it's insinuating that Zack's been beating people up or something?
Who cares? I FOUND THIS
When he's not busy using Blitzes (ie. never) or collecting dust on the airship (ie. never) he'll make good use of this!
Zack: Fools! I've tested at a GENIOUS (sp) level! I don't have to put up with any of your "foul garbadge!" I DEMAND YOUR RESPECT AND WORSHIP!
They leave.
Fistgrrl: Zack Parsons never tests well! You are not him at all!
EPG: You have found me out and it is time for us to tag once again! The fight is upon us, and I shall win provided I have a steady supply of tea. My powers are fueled by the dipping of leaves in hot water!
Guess what? I can't even SHOW this fucking boss.
Here, have a nws link.
Check out all them dicks They're about as difficult as you'd expect a bunch of dudeless dicks to be.
Ozma: If a black man in a swastika car stealing side orders from people isn't performance art, it should be.
Fistgrrl: Can we at least get a discount? We are friends bound by fate after all.
EPG: FUCK YOU no, I can't give you a discount, because I'll get fired. No, I can't rewind the goddamn movie. No, you can't have a refill.
EPG: See the sign that says "No refills?" No, you can't have a refund if you sat through the entire goddamn movie. We didn't make the movie, don't bitch at us about it.
It sounds a lot like X JAKK is projecting right here.
The robot fucks wander out.
"Zack? ZAAACK!"
"Thank goodness, his cock was hanging out the side of his shorts way too often to be a coincidence."
"Yeah, and he's really fat, and he'll bring other fat people to our house and eat us. Let's go."
They leave.
Fistgrrl: C'mon, just give me a little discount. Aren't you having a sale or something?
Ozma: YOU DO NOT DO THAT!
For some reason, Ozma's statement seems really out of place. This is odd considering this is a real conversation in theory only.
FUCK YOU THE STORE IS OPEN FOR GODDAMN BUSINESS
Fuck this crazy castle.
Next time:
