Part 800: Let's Read Warrior: En Garde - Part 10

Let’s Read Warrior: En Garde (where were we? Oh yeah! part 10)

Book 2
Chapter 26
Tharkad
District of Donegal, Lyran Commonwealth
10 April 3027

Katrina Steiner is at a party with Ardan Sortek. Ardan quietly contemplates murdering Aldo Lestrade, Frederick Steiner, and Michael Hasek-Davion with poison. The Fox’s best friend, everybody!

Ardan then delivers a toast on behalf of Hanse Davion that praises the “Steiner women” and pretty much tells Frederick that he can go fuck himself. Melissa then introduces Andrew Redburn (I guess he’s here too?) to Baron Sefnes, the Capellan March’s representative to Tharkad.

Why does the Capellan March have an embassy on Tharkad again?

Andy then starts white knighting Justin Xiang and the perspective shifts unexpectedly to Ardan Sortek solely so we can catch some of Ardan’s internal monologe about trusting Sefnes as far as he can throw a Victor. It’s really terrible. Rather than help Redburn, Ardan then decides it would be a great idea to antagonize Frederick Steiner some more. Frederick jabs at Ardan’s prior bouts of mental illness while simultaneously undercutting himself by referencing a scar to do so.

As an aside? Several of Stackpole’s notable antagonists are scarred: Frederick Steiner, Jarl Tir Miraborg, Vladimir Ward, and Thomas Marik (in chronological order). Meanwhile all of his heroes are flawless examples of douchebaggery humanity: fit, pretty, and more awesome than anyone in the immediate vicinity.

I’d chalk it up to mimicry of medieval symbolism except I don’t think it’s intentional.

Anyway, back to Ardan antagonizing Frederick: he does so effortlessly because one of the keenest military minds in the Inner Sphere has a psyche as fragile as a soap bubble. Aldo Lestrade then shows up to try to diffuse the human bomb that is Frederick Steiner and Ardan can’t resist antagonizing him too. This is all so Ardan can have a smug as fuck political victory and I’m already losing interest. Thanks, Space Lancelot, you’re just as boring as the original!

Ardan then smugs his way over to finally rescuing Andrew Redburn. Sefnes retreats immediately to avoid having to talk to this colossal douchebag because Ardan is so amazing, and Melissa comments that Ardan is like a cross to a vampire. Andrew Redburn immediately retorts that it’s more like “salt to a slug” and expresses a strong desire to murder a titled noble who also happens to be an important diplomat.

Everyone remember that Andrew Redburn is a space fantasy peasant? No? Good. Because Stackpole doesn’t either.

Anyway, Melissa Steiner then introduces Andrew Redburn to his future wife her best friend Misha and the two fall instantly in love and the two fall instantly in love.



Book 2
Chapter 27
Tharkad
District of Donegal, Lyran Commonwealth
11 April 3027

Andrew and Misha have been skiing together. On Tharkad. A planet that is essentially trapped in an ice age. I don’t know how much you know about skiing, but skiing on a glacier sucks. The snow is sharp and cold, and oh hey look it’s a crevasse!

Ardan then implies that the two have been humping like rabbits rather than humping about the bunny slopes.


It is amazing how two chapters of close analysis can make me hate a character I previously found boring yet inoffensive.

Anyway, Ardan then pulls Andy aside and spills the beans about Hanse’s impending wedding to the less-than-half-his-age Melissa Steiner; and that Andrew is only there to escort her safely on an unarmed jumpship to New Avalon.

DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

We then cut to Melissa who is choosing an alias for herself. Rather than doing the sensible thing and choosing two names at fucking random, she decides to name herself after a character from the book Sweeny Todd. There’s no possible way this could come back to bite her in the ass.



Book 2
Chapter 28
Nashira
Dieron Military District, Draconis Combine
15 April 3027

Everyone up for some Dracs being mysterious and alien?

Yeah, me neither.

We’re introduced to some characters such as Yorinaga Kurita’s bestest buddy Narimasa Asano (a character so memorable I forgot he was even in this trilogy). Yorinaga then gets told that he is to take the Genyosha and DESTROY THE KELL HOUNDS MWAHAHAHA and then Yorinaga Kurita casually and with premeditation murders has a tragic kendo accident with the Genyosha’s ISF Liaison. Chapter over.




Next Time: the Kell Hounds manage to be even more boring than a room full of people speaking Japanese (and I will be finishing En Garde. I let things slide because of my move).