TheGreatEvilKing, What The Hell Is This?
Black Geyser: Couriers of Darkness is... you know what, let's quote the developers.
Developer Blurb posted:
Chaos and despair spread throughout the Kingdom of Isilmerald. Its desperate people cry out, praying to the gods for help. But the force they face is no mere plague of the undead, or demonic attack Something far more sinister, far more primal is afoot. Avarice!
Law and order quickly collapses as everyday citizens turn outlaw, attacking anyone unfortunate to cross their path all for a few more gold coins. From high-born to low, greed spreads. Infecting the land like some divinely inspired disease, intent on purging the world of men. And it comes for you next!
Will you yield to the dark tendrils of desire coiling around your heart? Become an agent of greed and usher the kingdom into chaos. Or rebuke its seductive advances? Vow to discover the truth of the madness and restore the kingdom to its rightful glory? The choice is yours.
Black Geyser: Couriers of Darkness is an isometric, party and XP based, real-time RPG (with pause option) set in the world of Yerengal. A game that combines immersive graphics and brand-new features with virtues of the classic RPGs we all loved! Solve mysteries, fight epic battles, help beggars and kings alike, outwit swindlers and gods, and never forget: greed has many forms and many names!
In other words, it's a Baldur's-Gate inspired RPG about one protagonist and their quest to... you know what, I have no fucking idea! I got a gold Steam achievement for making it to chapter 3 of what appears to be 5, and I still have no idea what the hell this game is about because nothing about it makes sense and the characters are all played by space aliens pretending to be human. Once again, this is NOT a good game.
So if the story is idiotic it's at least fun to play, right?
This is how the manual explains attack rolls.
Every single game mechanic is overly complicated. You know how in Baldur's Gate and D&D spells are split into spell levels? Well, spells in this game have levels... which are further subdivided between base level and "elevated energy" slots that don't share a cooldown because everything in this game is pointlessly confusing. Do I understand these mechanics? No, and I've played far too much Baldur's Gate.
Oh, yes. As is now tradition in these trash game LPs, I need YOU, the goons of Something Awful, to saddle me with some kind of moron who's going to go suffer this game on our behalf. So, character creation. You get to read the DEEP LORE of the races of Yerengal and figure out who the hell we are.
Game Manual posted:
Humans were once a united tribe that roamed Yerengal for generations. The dark goddess of greed, Zornilsa, infected their hearts slowly with greed, avarice and jealousy. The single
tribe of man became many as they turned on one another. They warred for resources and land, forgetting their roots. Their bonds were broken and their old alliances splintered. Humans come in many different shapes and colors and can be found all over Yerengal. They are natural farmers, working the land as an artist works clay. Human versatility means that they can fill virtually any role.
Humans can be any class
-1 maximum Supernatural
Game Manual posted:
As the tribes of men fell to greed and the world was spoiled, the Green Goddess wept. The King-God allowed Tilindia to select a few tribes of man, those least affected by greed, to be her vassals in Isilmerald. Tilindia chose eleven tribes of man to claim as her own. Those eleven tribes were come to be known as elves as time passed. Elves share a special connection with nature, feeling an inherent connection to all natural things. Their generations apart from men have changed them physically; their narrow frames allowed them to move faster and quieter than men. Their ears grew pointed to better pick out distant or small sounds. The elves tend to be xenophobic and haughty towards the other races due to their chosen status imparted by Tilindia.
Elves cannot be Shamans or Templars
+1 to maximum Dexterity
-2 to maximum Physique
Increased Damage with Bows and Arrows
Increased Damage with wooden weapons
Dwarves are where things get stupid.
Game Manual posted:
The Devil-god Rothgor was angry over the creation of the elves and the threat they represented to his plans to throw the world into darkness. He sent an incubus to impregnate elven women in an effort to steal the essence that lies within their wombs. The Elven mothers despaired, but the Green Goddess told her daughters to seek the first waters of Yerengal. They did so, but were trapped in a stone cavern when Rothgor sent demons to destroy them. The children survived the attack, but their mothers died. Men in the mountains found the babes and raised them as their own, but the Elven progeny were stunted and hairy. The children (now known as Dwarves) grew and prospered, sharing the love of nature from their Elven parents, but began to exhibit a preference for the depths of the world. Dwarves are very materialistic but have a strong connection to clan and family. They are stout and powerfully built, well-suited to exploiting the natural tunnels that form deep in the ground.
Dwarves cannot be Spellweavers, Wintermages, Convokers, Necromancers, Druids,
Templars or Rangers
Dwarves can wield War Clubs and Hammers regardless of class
+1 to maximum Physique
-2 to maximum Charisma
-1 to maximum Supernatural
Increased Damage with War Clubs and Hammers
Increased Damage with Battle Axes
Increased Damage with Slings and Fustibals
Some people might ask "why are dwarves not allowed to be wizards in these shitty derivative games despite Norse myth being full of dwarf sorcerers" and hell if I know.
Feldegug. You know the Pale Elves from Pillars of Eternity, or the 9 million snow elves in D&D?
Game Manual posted:
The Feldegug were once Elven tribes who lived close to the north. The demigod Dargalmir grew jealous over the love the Elves showed for Tilindia and imprisoned a number of Elven tribes in the snowy, cold north. He would forge his own race and command them as he saw fit. But the Elves were first a creation of the God-King and the Green Goddess, and as they changed to survive in the north, they also realized the strength they would need to be free.
Dargalmir eventually realized his mistake and allowed his creations to rule themselves and commanded them to form six tribes. Drawing from the strength granted by their cold imprisonment and their god and goddess, they rebelled against their demigod. Feldegug are similar to elves but much paler. They are resistant to a hard environment who most would consider unlivable. They are rarely seen outside of their snowy northern homelands and most other races are very distrustful of them.
Feldegugs cannot be Shamans or Templars
+1 to maximum Intelligence
-1 to maximum Charisma
-1 to maximum Physique
+1 to maximum Supernatural
No the frost elves don't get any bonus frost resistance, shut up. No, I don't understand how they rebelled if Dargalmir told them to rule themselves. Whatever! Tip of the iceberg!
The last race are elephant people who look kind of like D&D 3rd ed orcs?
Game Manual posted:
Travelers, traders and alchemists from the Eastern Empires, the Rillow are a child race of a powerful Djinni called Elenuator. Their homeland is shrouded in mystery, so few outside the Rillow themselves know much about them. What is known is that they are seekers of pleasure and experience, consummate traders and nomadic caravaneers. Rillow are a large, physically imposing race who bear a passing resemblance to elephants. They eschew religion and favor displays of wealth, and have a natural talent for Brewing & Drying.
Rillows cannot be Rangers, Templars or Wintermages
+2 to maximum Physique
-2 to maximum Dexterity
Next, we have classes! The game has four "class groups" a la second edition D&D: Warrior, Outlaw, Priest, and Wizard. The game is also weird about spell lists, so I'm going to subject myself to whatever the hell you guys pick, with the exception of no multiclassing. They apparently had to release an emergency patch to buff it because it was so bad, and quite frankly I don't want to deal with this crap.
Fighter: Generic fighting guy, uses all weapons and armor. If this wins we will be using Big Sword.
Highlander: Barbarian esque dude who gets bonus damage with hammers and bonus fire and ice resistance.
Templar: Human only paladin because that's how 2e D&D did it. Never mind that Mazzy made a crack about 3e D&D letting her be a paladin. If selected we will use Big Sword. Casts holy spells.
Ranger: Bonuses to archery, casts druid spells.
Thief: You are a thief in an infinity engine game, so you suck balls in hand to hand combat. However, because this is a copyright-safe Baldur's Gate clone, you don't get sick ass traps that instagib people and instead you have a few special moves that do okish status effects. You can backstab if the AI is generous. There's a thief NPC, please don't make me do this.
Swindler: Supposedly like a thief but better at fighting because you con people? Fuck if I know, this manual SUCKS!
Cleric: You're like a D&D cleric, but without any good buffs, and also wizards can heal in this game. Why are you here again?
Druid: You get nature magic including crapping out summons. Wooo!
Shaman: You get bonuses to hand to hand combat against undead, but the templar is right over there. Also your armor sucks.
Spellweaver: Generic wizard who can cast any spell in the game, even healing ones.
Wintermage: Ice mage. Supposed to be a damage caster.
Necromancer: Skeletons and lifedrain, the usual suspects. Supposedly gets a bone golem at high levels.
Convoker: The master of spamming summoning spells.
We can be male or female. We need a name for this intrepid warrior, and at this point I don't even care if it's something stupid like Dick Hertz or I.P. Freely.
Lastly, submit a custom image for our hero., or I guess choose one of these:
The game accepts portraits in a 182x216 format, so I can't guarantee your picture won't be cropped.
Join us next time as we begin our nonsensical adventure!
Table of Contents
- None of this shit makes sense
- The Spiders are Cursed... by GREED!
- The Writers Clearly Have No Idea What They're Doing, Huh?
- Let's Not Do Any Sidequests
- Hamlin Fucks Us Over
- Disregard the Monarch
- Get on the Treason Train! Choo CHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
- Time for CRIME!
- Stop! You're not good enough!
- Apparently Worldbuilding is Code For Stereotypes
- Nerd Bait
- The Confusion
- The Bad Man
- Death of Motivation
- The Black Geyser
- Choose Your Own Waifu Misadventure
- Hamlin's Weird Fetishes
- Unwanted Negotiations
- THE DEVIL-GOD!!!!