Part 2: The Spiders are Cursed... by GREED!

The Spiders are Cursed... by GREED!

Last time, we were deus ex machina teleported out of being trapped in the world's most inept treason meeting which was being attacked by Satanists.



Anyway, now that the game had us fight our way through a major action setpiece, it is now going to have us go through a tutorial for extremely basic shit.



Someone even wrote journal entries for all this crap!



: Excuse me, I was raised by... oh no. He's...

It feels like there was one writer who realized how stupid this was and wrote in dialog to undermine everything the game is trying to do.

: Dead as a ghoul.

: More dead, actually.

I get they're trying to go for wacky old lady who's secretly a superpowered mage or whatever. It doesn't work.



: Can't you tell I'm grieving? My liege was killed by his own son, Aldnar!

This is just super awkward, because the game wants to make it seem like you were close to Lord Espen, but they avoid the elephant in the room that you were, you know, a servant who served drinks and were kinda denied your station.

: Busy hands will dry your tears, girl.

: Now, I'll be making a stew this evening. You'll be helping. I'll need you to go find some things for us.



Remember how "serve the lords the drinks" was a hackneyed tutorial about how to pick shit up from chests?



Fuck! This is the longest I've seen a game do tutorials for this kind of basic crap, and it seems like these unskippable sequences are all for someone who's never played a video game before. I don't remember Pillars of Eternity doing this - I remember a few tutorial popups in the opening area with Caliscia and the ruins, but not this intrusive and unskippable to this degree!





Who is this aimed at?

: Here. Put these on.



It's a tutorial that you can put on magic items. Hey, wait a minute...


Yes, this is a SECOND tutorial for equipping items. Just you wait.



"Guys I added 3 more stats to the hit roll, what else do we need for our Baldur's Gate clone?"
"How about a competent writer?"
"Nah dawg I was playing that minecraft game and it hit me: a crafting system!"



This is happening 10 minutes after a bloody massacre. Why is this so boring? Baldur's Gate had Elminster show up for like a minute after your father figure got massacred by an evil man with mystical powers, but we're going to be here a while.



This isn't funny.

: Good, good. Now, off with you! When you've got everything on the list, come back, and I'll get to making that stew.



I think this is supposed to be for the wizard origin, but you can loot an actually magical staff off the mage in the opening battle - notably before our tutorial that you can equip the gloves for stat boosts.



I legitimately don't know what the point of this thing is.




It's time for a sidequest.

: The druidic order sent me to heal this forest. There is an invasive species of spider I am to cleanse, but.. they have unfortunately got the better of me. I've been severely bitten, and they are venomous as well... I cannot continue. I considered approaching the cabin, but was repulsed.



We have the stupid evil option but that screws us over in the long run.

: Tell me more about these awful spiders.

: Different chapters of my order have been reporting a disturbing trend in Yerengal's forest - new and previously unknown species are moving in, and mindlessly devouring and destroying our natural resources.

Uh... what? They're spiders my guy. Are they cutting down all the trees to build a spiderweb? Is there like a spider mine where the spiders are digging for gold? Holy shit, can I play that game instead? Being a gold mining spider sounds awesome!



What.

: Yes, I will clear out these Yellow Spiders for you.

: Thank you for serving the Green Mother. There are four places in the forest where the infestation is thickest: a colony to the north and south; another bunch near a conspicuous bush, also to the south, and one by the old bridge to the west.




The only noteworthy thing about the spiders is that they explode into enough green guts to make like 10 of the little guys.



I'm skipping the rest of wandering around this unremarkable forest looking for ingredients and murdering monopoly man spiders, because it's dull and tedious and betrays the game's complete lack of pacing.



: Yes, your eight-legged nemeses will trouble the forest no more.



It's time for our first greed decision! Early builds of the game had looting enemies advance the curse of greed, but 99% of it is just quest decisions. Negotiate for a better reward for engaging in dangerous hand to hand combat with venomous spiders? Fuck you, that's greed. Refuse the antidote for said spider poison? It's not braindead machismo, it's kindness!

: No, keep the antidote for yourself. Who knows what perils you might face on the road home?

: That is kind of you, beyond kind. I will mention you when I report this great success.

You might be wondering why I did this. Am I going for a greed-free playthrough? Fuck no, I checked a guide. If you refuse the antidote here you get a unique weapon down the line, so the actually greedy thing to do if you know about it is to refuse the reward so you get a greater one. It's so damn clunky, especially as I've never actually seen a need for a poison antidote in this game. People are probably going to bring up the fairy tale of the golden axe where the moral is that short-term greed ruins things, but I think it's hilarious that the anti-greed behavior appeals to the greedy in me.


Whatever. Back to... the Crone. Fuck.



At least we get a level out of it so we can do convoluted bullshit.





: How can you tell what's in my pack and what isn't?

: Oh, let's say it's just a feeling. Like everything is where it should be.



Don't worry, we'll get our exposition soon enough.

: I'm getting hungry. Take what you need from my pack.



But wait, if you already magically knew we had anything...

Also if we were a scullery maid why do we even have a pack?

Fuck it.



If I wanted to do a bunch of tedious steps to make food edible I'd go to the kitchen and make dinner.

: I have to wonder what that Lord Espen even had your tutors teach you at his fancy estate. Oh well. Take this candle and get to drying. Then crush the dried herbs into powder, so we have something to season the stew with.



Fuuuuuu



Look, I get that a lot of games have an alchemy system that you can interact with, but as I recall games like Skyrim don't force it down your throats unless you actively seek it out. I'm cutting this nonsense because you have to dry the herbs by consuming a candle and then crush them because this is boring and I hate it.



: There. It's on the fire. Now we have a few precious moments to spare. We should talk.



: There's never enough time, and our time would be better served by discussing matters of import. (Bargain and Persuasion)



But if I do that, I'll be subjected to Black Geyser writing.

: Thank you. That's a valuable lesson.

: I'm glad you find it to be.



: Why did you save me from the assault on the Espen estate?

: I kept an eye on Lord Espen. He was a force of balance in Isilmerald. His death means that balance has failed.

Wait, what? This raises so many questions. If Lord Espen is a force for balance, why did you save him? If you have the power to watch the estate and send messages, why didn't you warn him about the magical teleporting legion from nowhere? Balance between what? What does a failure of balance even mean in this context?



Of course, the game has no answers and our PC is once again too stupid to think any of this.

: Why is it that you're keeping me here and making me do all of this?

: You weren't ready for Aldnar's attack on his father's manor. And I don't believe you were ready for the chaos of the world as it was when I pulled you from it.

We literally fought a bunch of dudes in hand to hand combat with a claymore and survived.



Of course, what this really translates to is that we haven't sat through enough dull tutorials.

: Who are you, really?

: I'm afraid that is the one question I can't answer for you.



: What is it that I must accomplish?

: Pardon me. I misspoke.



: Is the stew almost ready?

: Ah, yes, yes. Almost ready, indeed.

: Now. There's something you should know.



: Is that a metaphor?

: It is not.

: The attack on the Espen estate was only the first spark of a consuming fire, I am afraid. Much will be lost to strife and war.

: There are worse things than war, though. There is something you must understand, before you leave here.

: A great and terrible curse has fallen over Isilmerald, and much of the rest of Yerengal. It drives men and women to madness; it starves the prince and turns the pauper to a life of desperation.

I don't see what changes for the pauper there,



: Greed isn't a curse. It's just a vice.

: Yes, yes, ordinarily you would be right.



As mockworthy as it is, I can't say I completely hate the idea of a cursed land rent asunder by greed. There are plenty of mythological examples of greed, such as the dragon sleeping on his hoard. Naturally, the game will invoke none of that resonant imagery and will just do it's own uncompelling magic bullshit.

: Ah! The stew is done. Now, just to let it cool.



: Born and trained.

: Aye, you have the rippling muscles and cocksurety.

: The real test of a warrior isn't confidence or muscle. To stay alive long enough to become a veteran, you need a brain.



You know what? I'm snipping out the rest of the "warrior class tutorial" nonsense. There's a command party option that gives a little buff to the rest of the party if you rest with them, which I figured out the first time after fucking with menus and the game has a long involved tutorial with the crone joining your party and making you force attack a summoned worm. Snip!



The crone's stats, although I suspect she's actually a god or some shit. Holy shit, she has all 20s in her stats! That's higher than we're allowed to assign.



: Here, girl. This will warm you up after a long, long day.

: I see that look in your eye again. No. No more questions for today. Eat your stew and get some rest!



: I still don't understand what we have been doing here.



: What's going on in the world that I need to be ready for?

: Oh, conflict is to be expected, everywhere you go. Great things are coming.



: So does that mean I am ready?



: Is that all?



: Are you telling me that...



: But I'm not even a human! He couldn't be my father.

People in the thread were asking about this, and this is the one question the game decides to answer.

: Pardon, child. I don't wish to explain to you how babies are made. I trust you know. But your mother was, indeed, not a human.



Wait, what?

: You were born into a treacherous world, my dear. It was very important you not be recognized as Espen's heir before the time was right.



Oh, the gods needed to resort to racial determinism, cool.

No wait, that's fucking stupid.

: As well, the closely guarded secret of your mother's connection to Lord Espen ensured your safety until now. We haven't the time to go into the story in greater detail, but you are a true heir of Lord Espen. Knowing this should be enough.

So Espen low-key married the rillow woman? And the gods themselves got involved to mess with the kid? But somehow all the gods were unable to protect one lone child, from, uh...



The sad thing is there's almost a good story here but it's all boiled into idiotic fantasy pap.

: Aldnar. Aldnar took away my only family.



Espen's a fucking terrible parent! Remember, the player character is supposed to be his trueborn heir yet is raised as a servant who is socially inferior to Espen and all his noble friends. Aldnar is the publicly trueborn heir who was about to get - minor spoilers - disinherited by Espen and left with nothing because the gods told Espen Senior to fuck a woman who looked like an elephant. Of course, instead of actually discussing any of these legitimate parental issues Aldnar just fucking ranted about Satan and other dumb shit the entire time.

: Thank you again for the sage advice.

: Very well. Yes, yes, I have enjoyed our time together. You will find the path clear.

: Be safe, my child.




We still really don't have a goal or anything. The game taunted us with a special purpose from the gods, but didn't bother to tell us what that purpose is or provide us with any information that would let us make an actual decision. This means that the psychic journal is going to guide us, but first, we have a new "Greed" tab.



As we go through the game the world gets more greedy and evil based on our decisions blah blah blah blah. Costs of living are on the rise! OoOoOoOoOoO!



We get a third level up and Inta becomes better at Big Sword.



The tutorial tells us we should go to the south or east exit so we can get to the next area, but also there's a random ghoul lying around. Why not.



Fortunately the next area has this random dwarf standing around staring at the random dead people and overturned wagons that are, uh, on fire.



: Watching the crows, are you?



: Do you know why they were fighting?



: I see some in the livery of Isilbright and their foes are also in uniform and therefore not bandits or fugitives (Seasoned Warrior)

The more we get into the game the less sense it makes. Seasoned Warrior is the warrior-specific dialog skill which is supposed to represent being a military veteran and knowing about wars. We are a scullery maid educated to the level of nobility who as far as I can tell just kinda stayed at the Espen manor serving drinks all the time.

: You're a woman of war then, and lucky to wear no such livery yourself.



Helgenhar is obviously our first party member, so let's get this over with.

: Since we are on the same road, why don't we walk it together?



This language is just so fucking clunky.

: Well, a series of very confusing events to be honest... (Tell him your story.)



I like how we need to have a random dwarf on the road suggest a motivation to our character.

: If only there was somewhere all my questions could be resolved...

: This is the road to Isilbright you know, capital of Isilmerald and also the world capital of noble titles.



: Seems like a good a place as any to go. Care to join me?

: Excellent. Onwards to Isilbright!




Helg here is a dwarf fighter who is thoroughly unremarkable mechanically.

Next time: Deterring sexual harassment with the power of urination.